Last night about 6PM I got an email from J, my psychologist. In case you don’t remember, I had to miss this week’s appointment because I was at the beach, and I left my toy robot with him to make it easier for me to come back. Whenever I miss a week it’s really hard for me to start up again.
The email said, “The robot is doing fine. He has actually received a lot of attention from customers who have noticed him on his perch. See you Tuesday.”
I felt uncomfortable when I got this email. I don’t know why exactly. I guess I don’t understand why he is sending it. It’s not like I left him my dog or my child – it’s a toy! Does he really think I’m worried about it? I also feel like he’s crossed a boundary – sending me an email when I haven’t sent him one first. It seems more of a “friend” thing to do than a professional psychologist thing to do.
And yes, he does call his patients “customers”. That’s bizarre too, but I’m used to that.
Any thoughts?
July 24th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Hmmm – maybe it is his way of responding to your ‘connection’ – you left the robot with him to say ‘I do want to come back and connect with you’, and his response is to connect in return? It seems kinda apt that he might choose to contact you to say ‘I am still here’ or somesuch thing. Or maybe it is to remind you that even though you have no session, you are still part of the process?
Occasionally my T has emailed me when I haven’t emailed her first, usually to say something like ‘I’m away the next couple of days, but will be thinking of you’ or something like that. It helps keep me grounded – reminds me that she still exists. I find it helpful.
I think I’d weird out at the thought of other clients noticing something that was part of my own therapy. It would be like – weird, get away! Jealousy city!
So anyway, I doubt he thinks you are worried about the robot – perhaps it is more about what the robot represents.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:45 am
thesamesky – you’re so smart! I love your interpretation of J’s email. It still bothers me that he is thinking of me though. He shouldn’t be thinking of me except during our session. That feels icky to me.
It’s nice that your t emails you to tell you she is thinking of you. That should make a person feel good. I need to change my thinking I guess.
It doesn’t bother me that other people are seeing my robot. I kind of like it. Like part of me is in J’s office all the time. I should have implanted a little listening device in him – that would be interesting!
July 24th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Hi Harriet,
I think J has done a beautiful and caring thing. I know for me, sometimes when I have left therapy I find it intensely difficult to go back. I don’t think it is strange at all. I think it is a very supportive gesture.
I know you did not “leave” therapy, but you spoke in a post about the robot being a means of helping ensure you returned after your week off. Remember when you wrote “…I’m thinking of leaving something with him so that I’m forced to come back”, in your Wowee Robotic post?
Also, in your “Therapy Recap post July 1/09″ you focused on how “…it’s hard to come back after a break. So I thought I’d leave my robot with him, if it’s ok, and then I would have to come back to pick him up
It strikes me that J is gently reassuring you that he welcomes your return. He may have been concerned you might leave therapy before you are ready to.
I don’t see an e-mail like this as any kind of boundary challenge, rather it is a caring hand reaching out to welcome you back in case you are worried about returning.
p.s. I think the robot was a great idea
…aqua
July 24th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Just an add on…Re: J thinking of you between sessions. I try really hard to understand that therapeutic ideas/theories…like a therapist should only think of his/her patients between sessions are just that…ideas and theories. Ideas and theories often neglect, and/or are dogmatic about, the fact that patient/therapist relations are first and foremost human interactions. People think about other people they know periodically throughout their day/week/month/year. To suggest otherwise is to take the humanity out of the relationship. I know for myself the humanity is what helps me find a connection with my psychiatrist.
hugs,
…aqua
July 24th, 2009 at 11:07 am
A listening device! Fabulous! How funny would that be.
I guess J thinking about you says that you are worth thinking about. It says that you are worth caring about. I can understand why that might be hard to hear.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Thank you Aqua. Yes, I think you are right, J is being very supportive and encouraging. I do find it so hard to go back after some time off, and it is really nice of him to email me to let me know he is still there and is waiting for me.
And your second comment is also true. How can people not think about other people, especially when they are having such close personal conversations.
I’m just so anxious about getting attached, even though I know that is what will probably help me most. I’m very fearful of being vulnerable and of appearing needy. That’s why I’m in therapy I suppose!
Thank you for your support, it means so much to me.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I agree with the others. I believe this contact was a positive thing.
July 24th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
i think the best way to find out is to discuss with your therapist. it’s very…therapeutic. and, i think, it’s very important.
it does sound like he was trying gently to prompt your return but again, ask him.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Harriet, remember when you sent the email with the ironic remark… Maybe this is his response, delayed so you wouldn’t have to think about it while you were at the beach?
I also feel like he’s crossed a boundary – sending me an email when I haven’t sent him one first.
What boundary, though?
July 24th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Rach – yes, that email that I sent was in response to J’s email, that was also an email that was unsolicited. So the last two emails he sent me were not in response to any I had sent him, and actually weren’t really in regard to anything important. Not overtly anyway. Perhaps, as people have said, he is just showing his concern and support knowing that it is hard for me to come back after a therapy break.
As for what boundary, well, hmmm. Isn’t there a rule about that? Therapists shall keep their distance from patients, unless asked to do otherwise? I don’t know — I wish there was a handbook or something.
Melissa – I do plan to ask him why he sent the email. And I should tell him it makes me uncomfortable. That’s good therapy fodder I’m sure.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
If it were me:
I’d discuss the issue… Why is he sending emails? Is this something he does with all his patients, write unsolicited emails, or just you? I’d personally want to know that.
The concept of boundaries, and boundary crossing is much bigger and grayer than one would think…
I think it’s up to you and he together to come up with boundaries that are comfortable.
(Example: I know my shrink’s phone number at home. I would NEVER call him there, though. Instead I would leave multiple urgent messages on his machine.)
What kind of boundaries do you need put into place so that you would continue to feel comfortable with J., and so that your therapy will be successful, rather than succumbing to transference and weirdness?
July 24th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Rach – I want to know that too. I’m going to ask him. The kind of boundaries I like are big strong wide brick ones. If I was one of the three little pigs I’d be the one in the brick house. My kind of boundaries are like the Great Wall of China. I think this is something worth discussing. I have so much to talk about with my t that I don’t ever think we’ll ever run out of things!
Thank you.
July 25th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
I would tell him that in those exact words.
And then flesh out that idea with him to make it into some sort of contract… maybe in writing?
July 27th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Harriet -
I too think it is nice that he emailed. Sounds like his way making it safe to come back (although perhaps had the opposite effect).
Rach – <> You mean it is possible to have therapy without weirdness and transference