I started out by saying that I know I screwed up, that I said I was sorry in my email, but I guess I didn’t say it like I meant it and I am sorry. J asked what I screwed up. I said, “I’m not really sure exactly, but since you didn’t answer my emails I know you were mad.” He said, “I did answer your emails.” He went over to his computer and read me the emails he sent me. I never got them. I was somewhat taken aback, here all week I was upset because I thought I made him mad and he wasn’t mad at all. I was even nervous about going in to the session because I didn’t know what to expect, but he didn’t think anything was wrong at all.
Then we talked about how email glitches are causing miscommunications between us. He suggested I call him instead. I said I didn’t want to call him. He said I can call and leave a message and then he’ll call me back and leave a message. If he actually answers when I call I can hang up, he doesn’t mind. Calling makes me very uncomfortable though. Then he said, “Maybe texting would be better.” So I think now if I send an email I’ll either call to let him know I sent an email, or text him.
When I got home after therapy I checked my email, and guess what? His email was in my spam folder. I have no idea why some of his emails would go in there and not others. Damn gmail.
So we talked a little bit about the previous week when I was feeling really down and what caused it, which is the usual stuff that causes me to feel down, and how I took the klonopin and it was a really bad day. He asked me how I got over it being a bad day, and I told him I went to training, and then I came home and it was time to take another klonopin before bed, and then it was time to go to sleep. Ack! That is such a lie. That was the night I came home and had a drink and cut myself. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him. It’s like I had totally put all of that out of my head. I was in such denial I didn’t even think about it. So J made some interpretation about how I was late for the training, but the trainers made me feel ok about it, and think I’m a competent volunteer and that is what made me feel better. Which is really not right at all. I told him I didn’t think that was what made me feel better, and he said, well it could be part of it.
I was thinking of emailing him to explain that evening and what I really did, then I changed my mind because I don’t want anything like that in writing in his computer or in my file. I’ll tell him next week though.
We talked about how I feel incompetent. He asked me in what areas I feel incompetent, and I rattled off a list of about 10 things, one of which was doing things around the house. I tend to procrastinate on my chores, like laundry. J seemed to latch onto the laundry idea and it made me irritated at first. I realize he is using that example because it is easiest to prove his point that in certain areas I don’t have to be so hard on myself. Like laundry, if it piles up a little it’s not the end of the world. But choosing the easiest example from a big list of examples makes me feel minimized. Why couldn’t he pick the fact that I feel incompetent professionally because I don’t have a career?
We talked a little about my hotline training and he started to ask me why I am doing this. I stopped him and said I don’t want to think about why I’m doing it. But he persisted and asked the question and I said I don’t want to know. He talked about his job and why he does it, but that he also has gotten a lot more out of it than he originally thought he would. He said listening to other people’s problems puts a lot of things in perspective for him and it might do that for me also.
J kept trying to get me to tell him how I was feeling on that bad day last week, and I asked him for a list of feeling words, I just couldn’t think of anything besides “icky”. So he printed me off a list and I picked some words from the list. I told him I don’t like his open ended questions, and he said he is trained to ask open ended questions, but I said I prefer multiple choice. I guess that wouldn’t be therapy then.
At one point he said, “So with your ‘perceived’ incompetence…” and I said, “what do you mean perceived? You’re making a judgment.” And he said, “I can’t say, let’s talk about your incompetence.” I replied, “Why not? At least I would feel like you understood.” He kind of laughed at that. Isn’t that the idea of therapy, to feel understood? That’s what we’re learning in hotline training. Perceived incompetence means I think I’m incompetent, but I’m really not. But what if I really am? He doesn’t really know if I am or not.
Meh, this is getting old. At the end of the session we were back at the SAME PLACE – I’m too hard on myself, have too high expectations of myself, etc, etc. I said, we always end up here. Meh.
Tooth update – dentist yesterday was a waste of time. She can’t look at the nerve of my tooth through a microscope unless she is doing a root canal. So what was the point of going to see her? She says I need a root canal. No one is willing to try any other treatment for this.
So I gave up. I made an appointment for a root canal next Tuesday. At least the pain will stop. I can’t even exercise, and I can only eat soft warm food. This is affecting my life way too much for too long, and needs to end. Root canal it is.
Tags: cutting, drinking, email, feelings, high expectations, hotline, klonopin, negative thoughts, tooth, work
August 12th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
That’s part of the reason I left thereapy, you know. I always ended up back in the same place. I felt like a waste of her time – so I left before she could. In hindsight, I actually learned alot and suddenly am reaping what was sown months ago.
I guess it just means we shouldn’t give up so easily.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Ehill – thanks for your comment. That’s great to know that in the end your therapy was helpful, even though you felt stuck. When I really think about my therapy I know I’m learning things. It’s just so slow that it seems to not be moving. I’ll take your advice and not give up easily.
August 14th, 2009 at 7:02 am
I have been upset by the exact same thing before. It never occurred to me to check my spam filter.