I don’t even feel like talking about therapy today. When I got there J asked if I wanted to talk about the hotline or cutting. I asked if those were the only two choices, and he said, “Or something else.” The whole thing from last week was like no big deal to him. I really blow things out of proportion and worry about them all week, and to him it’s a little blip on the radar screen and he moves on. I need to learn from him.
We talked about the hotline, and cutting, and how everything has been so intense for me lately, and about my fantasy of being dead, which I refuse to label “suicide ideation.” So all day today I’ve been thinking about SI, and ideating like crazy, and it’s making me feel crazy. When I drive around I have these fantasies – for example, today I was visualizing my mother getting the phone call saying I died, and she asks how I died, and whoever it is on the phone tells her I committed suicide. And I was crying in the car.
I’ve cried more than once today. I keep thinking about the broken dolls and the little girl with the bandaids on her knees in the slideshow I made. Oh, and J said he got the DVD with the slideshow, but he didn’t get it until yesterday since he was in his other office and his computer wouldn’t play it so he has to bring it home and watch it on his DVD player and his TV.
Everything has been too intense. I told J that, and he said it can’t be intense all the time because intense is relative. I don’t know, it feels intense all the time. I need a way to numb the intensity – something constructive. Not SI, not drinking, not klonopin. If anyone has any suggestions for how I can decrease this intensity I would love to hear them.
And I had my root canal yesterday, but the dentist couldn’t complete it because the tooth is still partially infected, so I have to go back in two weeks. Meanwhile it is hurting pretty badly, and I’m taking a ton of Advil. A friend gave me some tylenol with codeine to take tonight so I can sleep, last night the pain woke me up at 4am.
Tags: anxiety, collage, cutting, death, drinking, hotline, klonopin, tooth
September 1st, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I don’t know, it feels intense all the time. I need a way to numb the intensity – something constructive. Not SI, not drinking, not klonopin. If anyone has any suggestions for how I can decrease this intensity I would love to hear them.
Maybe this is a good starting point for a conversation with J about something other than the hotline/cutting?
September 1st, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Sorry to hear about the pain and the tooth. I hope it feels better soon.
I don’t know why I found it hard on the hotline. We did get a few crisis calls. It was a long time ago, so I don’[t really remember all the details, or even why I left. I just remember that I didn’t last very long, and I left because I didn’t feel comnfortable answering the calls. Maybe it was a self confidence thing. I was very timid back then.
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:13 am
Just discovered your blog (after you commented on mine) and am impressed. Nice couch
As for the intensity and how to make things less intense, I’m not sure what to suggest. Sometimes intensity is a good thing – or rather the ability to feel and think intensely about things. But also a drawback obviously. So what works? Well for me I guess it would be anything that’s comforting. Exercise, food, blogging, music, reading. And the SI is understandable when you’re depressed. Sometimes when I’m driving I have this fantasy about crashing into other cars (actually I have that a lot). Is that suicidal ideation? Or anxiety that my car will go out of control and that I will die? (I think the latter since I’m quite happy being alive.) I think it helps to take the shame out of things like SI and cutting. I’ll read a few of your other posts before commenting further.
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:50 am
Rach – when I went in to my session yesterday J gave me a choice of things to talk about. I guess he was leading the session yesterday. I did talk some about the intensity though. I’ll write more about that.
Cool Polar – I can understand that. I do feel fairly confident about my abilities on the hotline, and that’s a huge thing for me since I doubt my abilities all the time. I don’t think I could do this if I didn’t feel confident.
Pete – thanks for stopping by and telling me what comforts you. I have a hard time finding comforting things. And actually I’m not depressed, just wanted to clear that up. I have the car crashing fantasy too, but it’s usually into a pole or tree, maybe because I’m not happy being alive?
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:20 am
The car crashing visions are interesting. I used to have those all the time … scenes where I’d either swerve into some structure of concrete or I’d roll my car over an embankment. My thoughts would actually scare me because I felt compelled to do it.
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Rach – when I went in to my session yesterday J gave me a choice of things to talk about. I guess he was leading the session yesterday. I did talk some about the intensity though. I’ll write more about that.
Harriet, i was thinking more of you using what you blog – ie: the questions you mentioned, as a jumping off point for your next session.
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Rach – I know, I’d like to use that as a jumping off point. I had a topic all ready to talk about yesterday, but when I walked in and he asked me if I wanted to talk about the hotline or the cutting I was kind of taken aback. I guess he wanted to lead the session this week. I don’t know if this is new thing, or just for one week, or what. I frequently have trouble starting to talk, even when I have something to talk about, so maybe he felt the need to take over?
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:38 pm
@Harriet: At one point in my therapy, my shrink and I made a list of “potential discussion topics” and when I was at a loss, he’d pull it out and say something to the effect of “here’s your list that we made… what do you think about ______________?”
June 14th, 2010 at 1:52 am
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