I had to cancel therapy last week because it was the day of the funeral. It’s really hard to go back when I’ve skipped a week. Monday night I could not fall asleep – I think I finally fell asleep at about 3am, and then I woke up at 6:30am. I also had a really bad stomach Monday and Tuesday morning.
The last time I saw J he assigned me homework. I was supposed to write down one good thing I did and one thing I’m grateful for every day. I actually did the homework Tuesday through Saturday, but that was it since my mother’s husband died and things got crazy. I had a really hard time with the homework. The grateful stuff wasn’t bad, but coming up with good things was very difficult. Two of the days I didn’t do anything good, one day I made a donation to my friend Ann’s foundation, another day I bought girl scout cookies even though I don’t want girl scout cookies – I donated them to the troops. I did a volunteer activity one of the days, which I don’t even think counts as good, but I was desperate. I was actually going to go to the humane society and adopt a dog just so I had something to put on the list.
J said that wasn’t really how the homework was supposed to go. He apologized. He said he didn’t intend for me to go out and search for ways to be good, I was supposed to just write down things I did in my daily life that are good. But I don’t normally do good things in my daily life, so I’m a bit confused about what he was looking for. He said in the future he’ll give me more explicit directions. He gave me back my list and I ripped it to shreds. I said it was stupid. Mature of me, isn’t it?
We got onto the topic of my mother. Every therapist’s dream, right? It all comes back to the mother. I told J about something my mother did a few days ago that really hurt my feelings and I wondered why she felt the need to do that, but “that’s what she does.” He asked me to explain and I told him that my mother is very judgmental and nothing is ever good enough. I gave a couple of examples. We talked about my childhood a little, and how my parents had very high expectations of me, and not very high expectations of my sister. I think that is because she was sick as a baby and toddler and she could get away with a lot more. I took on the role of the “good child”, and I was smart and well behaved so it was a self fulfilling prophecy. The better I was the better I needed to be.
J postulated that perhaps my parents wanted me to be this good child because it made them look like good parents. Never thought about it that way, but it makes sense. And to this day I never feel like I’m good enough or meet my mother’s expectations of me.
I know that everyone at some point talks to their therapist about their parents. I feel bad about it though. My mother is a good person, despite her flaws. Everyone has flaws, no one is perfect, and plenty of people had much worse mothers than I do. I do feel guilty about the things I said about her to J.
I did some more projecting during our session, but maybe since I admitted that I was projecting when I sent J the email a couple of weeks ago, he felt more comfortable telling me when I was doing it. He’d say, “You’re projecting again.” I don’t do it on purpose, I swear I don’t!
I have more to say, but I’m so tired. In the ongoing dental adventure I’ve been having, the second stage of my root canal was supposed to be last week, but due to the circumstances I had to reschedule. And now my tooth is infected again, so I called the dentist and he prescribed another antibiotic. I took two doses, and last night woke up in the middle of the night covered in hives. I took some benadryl and finally went back to sleep, but since I didn’t sleep Monday night or last night I’m exhausted. I’m on a different antibiotic now, I’ve taken this one before so I don’t expect any hivey surprises tonight.
Tags: childhood, feelings, good, good enough, guilt, high expectations, mother, projection, sister, tooth
September 24th, 2009 at 6:19 am
I don’t think you give yourself nearly enough credit for doing good things. I was shocked that you actually questioned whether volunteering was a good act. You really need to be kinder to yourself.
As far as parents go, I was finally able to forgive my father when I began to realize that he’s human like me and has his own history of challenges he’s had to face and he’s not perfect, just as I am not perfect. When I stopped expecting him to be a super-hero I began to forgive.
September 24th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I’m with Laura on this one! Although I am new to your site… I think we all (myself included right now) need to give ourselves more credit for the good things we _are_ doing.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Laura – I guess I feel that volunteering is a thing I should do. I feel privileged that I have the capability, and the time. It’s not that I think it’s a bad thing, just not a good thing. It just is. Good, to me, is when someone goes above and beyond what is expected.
Wes – thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I tend not to give myself credit as you can see.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I think you do so many amazing things, even if you don’t always realize it. Even if the little comments you leave.
Just wanted to stop by and say hello