When I was young I used to yell at my little sister. Not yell, SCREAM! I would really lose it, I remember the feeling so well, even though it was 35 or 40 years ago. I hated her. I was very angry. But in addition to that I think that I had a lot inside of me that needed to get out. I never felt like I could “trouble” anyone with my thoughts, or feelings, or problems. So it got all stuck inside, and it needed to get out.
I’m not trying to excuse my behavior, I’m very ashamed of the screaming, and I know it affected my sister. I can still remember how her face looked when I did that to her, and about 20 years ago she mentioned it, but I blew it off and wouldn’t talk about it.
But it makes me sad to think of that little child with all that stuff inside of her that she didn’t feel she could get out.
Tags: childhood, feelings, shame, sister
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:16 am
Wow, I feel sad for that little girl too. This feels important – is it something you can work with?
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:43 am
thesamesky – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel sad. I’m not sure how to work with this, I mean it’s in the past, what’s done is done, and we can only move on, right? Any suggestions?
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I feel the same way. Im sad for the little child inside that never got anything out. My parents were never there to comfort me in childhood whenever things went wrong for me.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I had a similar experience with my younger sister, though I think I’m somewhat younger then you are. I wrote my sister a long letter when in our late twenties trying to explain that I had so much sadness inside of me — it wasn’t her, I didn’t hate her, I LOVED her so much, it was me, and the fact that I didn’t know to heal myself. She later told our brother it was the best present she’d ever received. Our adult relationship hasn’t changed all that much in practical terms, but I hope and believe that she understands a little better that first and foremost, I love her and always have.
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Cool Polar – I’m sorry your parents weren’t there to comfort you. My parents were there, so I’m lucky that way. I just didn’t want to bother them.
Sarah – Wow, that is so inspiring. I admire you so much for writing that letter to your sister. I wouldn’t be able to do that, since I really did hate my sister when we were children and young adults, and frankly I’m not too crazy about her now. But I still shouldn’t have taken out my problems on her, no matter how I felt about her.
October 22nd, 2009 at 11:38 pm
There are five of us in my family and we would often lose it on each other. I don’t think I hated my sibs, I think it was the only way we knew how to express all our pent up anger. I feel sad for that little child as well. Take care.
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:15 am
Oh Harriet – you don’t have to apologise for my emotions! I feel sad for that little girl because it is sad that she wasn’t able to express herself. It wasn’t her fault.
If you are interested in working with it – well I suppose I’d theorise that your ‘little girl’ is still there, and you might be able to work with her in therapy. Inner child work can be very powerful, giving that part of you a voice where she didn’t have one before – allowing her to express herself. You could try doing some left hand/right hand writing (where you write with your non-dominant hand representing the child part of you, and dialogue with the other hand, the ‘adult’ part, to get a sense of how she feels and what she needs or wants).
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:18 am
PS – why does your website keep asking me to log in as staff? It’s never done that before!
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:18 am
It says A username and password are being requested by http://www.gnax.net. The site says: “STAFF ACCESS”
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:02 pm
lostinamaze – I always wonder what it would have been like to grow up in a large family – I imagine there would be lots of tension at times. But also hopefully lots of love. No one really teaches kids how to express anger, do they?
thesamesky – Thank you, I just don’t like to make people sad. But you are right, it is sad. And thank you for the suggestions about working with this topic. I don’t know if I can really do this, but I’m going to think about it and see what feelings come up. Maybe I’ll print this out and bring it to my shrink. And I’m not sure about the log in problem. I’m trying to post this as a user rather than admin, so I can see what happens. I’m glad you’re able to get around the glitch, but I’ll see what I can find out.