Feeling Sad and Angry and Scared
I woke up today and couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t take any klonopin last night, and I had a bad night. I get this thing that feels like I need to jump out of my skin. I don’t know what it is, and it doesn’t happen all the time, but it happened last night. Maybe because I took two klonopin the night before, and I had a really great sleep, and I took two more yesterday morning. I can’t believe I would have withdrawal after just 2mg of klonopin though.
I’m feeling anger, because it took me so long to get off the damn klonopin. I have three bottles of it in my drawer and I never touch it. Until Tuesday night. And it makes me so damn angry that I sleep so well when I take it, but I can’t sleep when I don’t take it. Is it too much to ask for a good night’s sleep.
I also started the wellbutrin yesterday. I never had a chance to talk to J about it, there just isn’t time. 45 minutes once a week goes by quickly. But I guess I really need it and I’m going to give it 6 months and see how it goes. I see my pdoc next week. Yesterday at about 2PM I was so tired, I guess from the klonopin. I was at work, alone, and I fell asleep on the couch for about 45 minutes. The klonopin also seems to affect my cognitive skills. I had a really hard time remembering what I did for lunch and what I ate. I had to search my brain to remember. God knows what else I did that I forgot. I only took 1mg in the morning, not a huge dose or anything, and no liquor with it.
I also cut a little. But I don’t want to talk about that. Except to say it didn’t even hurt, so it was waste.
I woke up today feeling sad and also angry. I’m angry that I go to therapy every week, and I try, I really do. I think I do. Maybe not enough. But I feel like it’s all I can do to talk about my feelings, it takes everything out of me, and then I’m told that my feelings aren’t logical. So J explains the logic of whatever the situation is, and I get that. I really really GET the FUCKING logic!!!!! I would tell anyone else the same thing.
But I CAN’T FEEL it. It is so frustrating. How do I FEEL it? I’ve read books, I’ve asked people, I’ve told J I can’t feel it. But no one has been able to tell me how to feel the logic.
I had a time frame for therapy. If I didn’t get better by a certain day I would use my backup plan. But due to a change of circumstances I can’t use my backup plan. Now I feel like I have no therapy and no backup plan. All I want to do now is be numb and sleeping.
Tags: anger, cutting, emergency exit, feelings, klonopin, wellbutrin
October 29th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Sorry you’re having such a bad day. *hugs*
October 29th, 2009 at 10:28 am
ditto what Laura said.
Can you go with the non-logical feelings? It sounds like you are trying too hard to change them, perhaps they need looking at first.
love and strength to you
xx
October 29th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
So sorry Harriet – don’t beat yourself up about medication – it can be necessary and helpful.
Take care.
OLJ
October 29th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
i too am sorry you’re struggling. i wish you could give yourself more of a break.
i do believe that there is a part of us that wants to stick to what we believe about ourselves. our old beliefs are familiar, comforting and sometimes, i think, seductive.
is there a way for you to let go? to at least consider conflicting views of yourself? i think that might be one way to lead toward understanding the logic
what happens if you think that maybe you are a good person?
re; klonopin. does it feel like a slippery slope? is someone regulating it?
well, you know me. i’m always full of questions and opinions.
take good care of yourself!!!!!!!
October 29th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Laura – thanks for the hugs, I like hugs.
thesamesky – going with the non-logical feelings. Yes, I’m going to do that, thank you. I can’t just deny my feelings, I have to explore them. That seems to be a problem with cbt, it emphasizes the intellectual rather than the feelings. Perhaps to the point of denial?
OLJ – I know, thank you for reminding me. I need that kick in the pants sometimes. I’m feeling better about my decision to restart the meds.
Lissy – oh yes, it is much more pleasant to stay with the tried and true, even if it isn’t the best place to be. It’s easier. I do consider other points of view about myself, and I have to say that is due to my therapy. I may not believe it, but I do consider it. That could be a start. What happens if I consider that I may be a good person? There’s a lot of pressure to be a good person. What if I slip up? I’m not quite ready to consider myself a good person, but I think I’m ready to consider myself a person with some good qualities. How’s that? Re the klonopin, I took it Tuesday, and haven’t since. It is currently not being regulated, but I haven’t taken any since August. I have good self control right now. Therapy causes me to slip into a deep dark hole, and there’s klonopin at the bottom! I need to talk to my therapist about that. Thank you for your questions and opinions, they make me think and grow.
October 31st, 2009 at 12:40 am
For me therapy has been mostly about the illogical. I think most of my feelings are illogical as well. When I can look at my non-logical feelings it takes me deeper into what I need to work on. Of course easier said than done
Thinking of you