I feel pretty good about my session today. I’m actually functioning and not a crying, devastated mess. First thing I asked J if we could talk about little things occasionally, instead of big things all the time. He said, of course, that it’s actually important. He asked me why I felt that way and I told him how difficult it is for me when I leave after talking about big things. That I walk out the door and he just goes on with his day, while I’m a mess and what am I supposed to do with all of that? I told him that I started the Wellbutrin again, and took a little klonopin last week too.
I asked him if he remembered during the last session he mentioned that if he had a flat tire he would call a friend to help him. He didn’t really remember that, which is understandable, he said it totally in passing, but of course it’s something that made an impact on me and I remembered it. Before I even mentioned why I was bringing this up he tried to explain that he would call a friend to help in certain situations, I think he was nervous that I was accusing him of something. But it was just a lead in to my situation, where I had to pick up my daughter’s car from the body shop and in order to do that I would have had to call a friend to take me. This caused me a lot of anxiety and I wanted to talk about that.
So we talked about that for a while, and J said it’s actually also difficult for him to ask for help. I’m not sure how I feel about this after he so clearly told me last week that if he had a flat tire he would call a friend to pick him up. But I appreciate his honesty in telling me how he really feels about it.
We also had a discussion about how I aspire to be like him. After all, I really don’t know much about him. He doesn’t tell me the bad things about himself, so to me he is perfect and someone to idolize. He seemed surprised that I felt this way, which surprises me. I think this might be a common thought for clients of therapists – that their therapist is up on a pedestal. I know that no one is perfect, of course, and I’m sure he has issues just like anyone else. I just don’t know about them.
A couple of times J started venturing into “big things” and I stopped him. I said, “You’re talking about big things again.” He respected that and I was appreciative. Especially when there was five minutes left in the session and he tried to veer the conversation into another big thing and I said, “no, especially since we only have 5 minutes left.”
Towards the end he again asked me if I ever meditate and he talked about being in the moment. I said that I don’t believe that someone can truly be in the moment without the experiences of the trillion moments that came before influencing how they feel in that moment. He disagreed and said that one can truly be in the moment. Not all the time, of course, but at times. He said, “Look at this moment, right now, you have nothing to feel guilty about right now in this very moment.” I replied, “Actually I do. I feel guilty for keeping you four minutes over our scheduled time.” He said, “Well I am choosing to stay over.” And I said, “If I wasn’t here you wouldn’t have to make that choice.” He said, “Well you are here.” I told him that I was starting to feel really anxious that the session was running overtime. He said, “OK, go.” I said, “Leave?” He said, “Will it make you feel better?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “OK, no problem. I’ll see you next week.”
I was kind of proud that I told him what I needed throughout the session, without worrying TOO much about what he would think. It did cross my mind plenty of times that he would think talking about little things would be trivial, or I was being too demanding, etc, but I didn’t let that stop me from saying when something bothered me.
One thing I wasn’t crazy about was his assertion that I can choose not to feel guilty. I told him that was Oprah-ish. If it’s that easy to choose to feel a certain way then we wouldn’t need shrinks, right? I’m not so sure it’s a choice.
Tags: anxiety, friends, mindfulness, wellbutrin
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Sounds like it was a positive experience for you this week.
And btw, I totally agree with this sentiment: We also had a discussion about how I aspire to be like him. After all, I really don’t know much about him. He doesn’t tell me the bad things about himself, so to me he is perfect and someone to idolize. He seemed surprised that I felt this way, which surprises me. I think this might be a common thought for clients of therapists – that their therapist is up on a pedestal. I know that no one is perfect, of course, and I’m sure he has issues just like anyone else. I just don’t know about them.
November 4th, 2009 at 1:31 am
Way to go with the assertiveness in telling him what you wanted in the session. Reading this, I was thinking about the power differential in therapy and how we (as clients) pay the therapist to have that power but it often feels unbalanced and unfair. Why should they know about all our s*it and we don’t know about theirs? But it also made me think about the relationship that gets created between the client and the therapist and how useful (sometimes essential) it can be to use that as the means of growth / development / healing. I always find it fascinating to see how that relationship pans out and that “here-and-now stuff that’s happening in the room” can be very powerful. As for the big stuff vs small stuff, I think it’s sometimes easy to get stuck in the big stuff which becomes the dominant narrative. Often you need to develop the smaller narratives until the big one isn’t so important anymore. Just some thoughts.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Harriet -
It *does* sound like a great session. I also had a good session last night that I will post about later on my blog.
And like you and Rach – I completely agree with the client/therapist relationship and how we as patients view therapists as perfect. My T and I talk about this frequently – last night she said something like her being in my life and me in her life and I replied with “yes you and your perfect life”. That prompted a nice smile.
You know in reading this entry, I was moved by how much you do get it and do feel feelings. Sometimes I wonder if we think and feel too much and that’t what brings us down. I’m not phrasing it well, but I hope you get my meaning. I am proud of you
)
OLJ
November 4th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Rach & OLJ – yeah it was good. And I’m glad you agree with me about the client/therapist thing. I can’t call it a relationship, the word won’t come out of my mouth or out of my fingers when I’m typing. I definitely feel feelings, I think too much, but I’m not sure if I feel too much. J once told me I need to dilute my feelings, but I wouldn’t know how. I think the problem with feelings is if one keeps them inside all of the time. I like feeling my feelings, but sometimes they are too much and need to come out. That’s where I run into a problem.
Pete – there’s that “r” word again, the one that I can’t say. I don’t want to have that with my therapist. It’s a business arrangement. You’re sounding very Yalom-esque. I have to say I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be in the room with Yalom! And I like your thoughts about the big stuff vs. the small stuff, thank you.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:13 am
If someone told me I could choose not to feel guilty, I would feel guilty for feeling guilty. Right before I got really pissed off at the person who said that. And as you can see I don’t have the worry of the therapist on a pedastal. I’m more worried that I’ll get the axe for being a bitch.
November 5th, 2009 at 1:58 am
I’m glad that you had a good session and I think it’s great that you were able to assert yourself and keep things on track. Especially at the end.
I always need a few minutes at the end to untangle myself from the emotions arising from the session. I usually do this by talking about trivial things.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
EH – It is somewhat demeaning to be told that one can choose not to feel guilty. How do we choose our feelings?
Lostinamaze – thanks. For some reason BIG things always come up at the end of the session. It’s not good for me.