I’m feeling very lethargic. I do my stuff around the house, I go to work and work diligently, but beyond that I can’t seem to do much. I’m sorry if I’m sounding lazy and blah. I had jotted down some thoughts earlier in the week to give me ideas of things to write about.
When I was in 9th or 10th grade I met someone who had just moved to my town and my school. She seemed intimidating to me – very outgoing, not caring what other people thought of her, tall like me, but she wore heels unlike me (actually we didn’t wear heels, what was popular in 1975 was these platform sandals):
I was intrigued by her and got to know her. We started to hang out a little, and one day she said she was tired. I asked her why and she said she couldn’t sleep the night before because she forgot how to breathe.
I was so taken aback. I couldn’t believe that there was someone else out there who could forget how to breathe. And not only forget how to breathe, but talk about it as though it was no big deal. I shared my experiences in forgetting how to breathe – always at night, alone in my bed, in the dark. I would become aware of my breathing, and then become so conscious of it that I would forget how to do it, which would lead to an anxiety attack. She said the same thing happened to her. As time went on I discovered she had some of the same anxieties as I did.
It was quite a relief to know that I wasn’t alone. And it was astounding to me that she could talk about it, I never could. I wish I knew why I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about these things. This haunts me.
November 21st, 2009 at 4:42 am
Kindred spirits are good, especially if you can share stuff like that. I used to be panicky that my heart was going to stop. It would do a double-beat and then there would be this terribly long (to my mind) pause before the next one and I would also wake up wondering whether I’d stopped breathing in the night. Not often but it was helluva scary.
November 21st, 2009 at 12:14 pm
it is comforting to know i’m not alone. i wish people would talk about it more. i have always felt alone in my anxiety — it looks like everyone is doing great, while i can’t breath or calm down.
oh how i wish we could all be more open about what we’re going thru. if we didn’t always have to act like we’re happy and grounded, it would be an easier world
November 21st, 2009 at 8:20 pm
While the breathing experience is not something I have had, this idea of sharing similar experiences has been helpful, this week. I sometimes amaze myself how slow I am to figure stuff out.
For many years, I’ve known I’m an INFJ. But, it just didn’t occur to me that this vehicle might be a good resource. You allow me to see glimpses of myself in a way I can’t just catch it in a mirror.
I’m wondering from the readings: does it seem that these stated feelings of life threatening endangerment personality trait?
If so, is it unique to the personality or are there other personalities who also experience this anxiety?
Do any of you have trouble with self-deprication? I would personally rather have the spotlight on someone else, even when I’m the one leading the presentation. Does anyone struggle with that anxiety?
A friend gets upset with me, because I will use myself as an example of “How not to do or be something.” She says I use myself as a negative examply to make a point about something that really isn’t true about me.
Does anyone hum to blot unwanted thoughts running through her/his head?
Sometimes I have a preoccupation with whether or not I have said the wrong thing in conversation with others in a group. So, I will hum gibberish to blot the thoughts out of head. Can anyone relate to that?
November 21st, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Lethargy happens–especially this time of year. Remember to be gentle with yourself.
November 22nd, 2009 at 6:24 am
I feel like you are a kindred spirit of sorts for me, Harriet. Some people don’t understand anxiety. It’s good to have nice blog pals who do. I feel comfortable coming here because I know you are a nice person and you won’t judge me or be mean to me for having problems with anxiety.
(And I also loved Harriet The Spy when I was a girl. It was one of my favorite stories. I even talked about it to my therapist long before I discovered your blog. I’ve been wanting to tell you that.)
{{{{{{{{Harriet}}}}}}}}
November 22nd, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Pete – I used to have the same thing. I thought my heart was skipping a beat. I would go to the doctor and they would never hear it. But it made me panic a lot.
Lissy – I agree. Sometimes it’s lonely.
1out1% – I’m not sure if it is an INFJ trait to have anxiety, but it would be interesting to do a study. I’d also like to know the suicide rate for INFJs. I definitely don’t like to be in the spotlight, I don’t like to talk about myself. When I’m with other people I always get the conversation onto them, not me. And I think you’ve got a great coping strategy in humming to overcome obsessive thoughts. After 9/11 I was terrified of low flying planes (which is a frequent occurrence at my home) so every time I saw one I would sing the ABC song in my head. It really worked.
Tiger – thank you, you do the same, ok?
EH – Lynn, you are always so kind. I also find comfort in my blog friends who share these miserable feelings, although I do feel badly that they have to suffer. You’re right, people really don’t understand anxiety, they think we should just “get over it.” After all, it does seem irrational at times. When I was in my flying group there was a woman who would kayak down rivers with the huge rapids and that didn’t faze her one bit, but she was afraid to fly. Another guy would scuba dive, but not fly. Another one was in the navy in the Persian Gulf War and didn’t miss a beat, but can’t drive over a bridge. It does sound crazy to people who aren’t living it.
What were you like when you were a little girl? I felt like an outsider, a misfit – which is why I think I related to Harriet the Spy. Her parents were very distant as well, but she was lucky, she had her nanny. I always wanted a nanny. I think I’d still like one.