Harriet M. Welch

Yesterday my husband and I went to see my daughter in a horse show. We rarely go, but this could be the last one before she leaves for college. She doesn’t particularly like us to be there, and she gets very nervous when people are watching her. There have been times when I have snuck unseen into horse shows to watch her without her knowing I am there.

We were talking with her coach and some other riders yesterday about how she needs a sports psychologist. She is a pretty good rider, not great, but ok, she doesn’t do rated shows, just local ones. But when she gets in front of a judge everything falls apart. She gets so worked up and tense and nervous. And when I am there it is one hundred times worse. Her coach was telling us how well she did in a show a couple of weeks ago, and the assistant said, “M says she does much better when people aren’t watching her.”

So this show was 1 hour and 45 minutes away, in another state, and of course she never knows what time she’ll be riding. These shows are so boring. First she said she would ride at about 9:30 or 10am, but she actually rode at 2pm. She was riding someone else’s horse, and he is a very good horse. When she was practicing, he did great.

Then it was time to go into the ring, and I said something really stupid. I don’t what got into me, perhaps I was trying to use humor to diffuse the situation, or maybe I was delirious from sitting in the 95 degree heat for 4 hours waiting for her. But I said, “Do good! I hope this will be worth it!” Meaning, worth it for me to travel all the way there and sit there waiting for so long. I know it was such a stupid thing to say.

Then she went into the ring and did terribly. Her horse refused a couple of times, and on her second course she forgot the course! That has never happened. She was riding around and she got to near where her coach was standing and said, “Where do I go?” Argh. Frankly, I can’t figure out how the riders remember the courses, and they have to do two courses, each in a different pattern. So I’m sure it is easy to forget, as a matter of fact the rider before her left off part of the course. But my daugher has never forgotten the course.

So needless to say it was awful, and she was very upset and wouldn’t talk. She did better in the under saddle (the non jumping part) and got a 4th place ribbon (I think there were 6 or 7 riders in the division).

Then we left. I felt so bad about my comment, and I told my friend about it who was there with her daughter. She said something like, “If we said the perfect thing all of the time we wouldn’t be real parents”. It just made me feel so badly because I know she is already under so much of her own pressure when she competes. I’ve tried to tell her that she doesn’t have to show, that she can just ride for pleasure, but she likes to go to shows. I think she likes the social aspect of it, and watching everyone else compete. She is normally a very confident, non-anxious person. This is the only time she has problems.

And tomorrow my son has his blood test at 2pm eastern time. Please send positive thoughts our way if you remember! We’re doing Emla cream to numb him, and xanax to sedate him. I called the lab to see if they have anyone experienced in dealing with people with phobias and they gave me the exact answer I knew they would, “Sure, everyone here!” Yeah, right.

Being a parent is hard sometimes.

Tags: anxiety, daughter, guilt, son

Yesterday, of course, I was processing my t session all day and night. I just had a feeling that it wasn’t a simple mistake that J forgot to tell me about his vacation, although it is perfectly valid that maybe it was just a mistake. So I sent him an email. It went like this:

I don’t mean to rehash this subject about why you didn’t tell me about your vacation, because I do realize that a mistake is sometimes just a mistake. But I can’t help but think about an email you sent me back in May when you were frustrated and you said, “I was not angry. I was frustrated because I want you to benefit from my work and that did not happen yesterday.”

I have been thinking about this since you wrote it, and I wonder if you think I’m not benefiting from your work in general, not just on that day and if it frustrates you. I sometimes wonder myself, since I don’t really see big leaps in progress, and I also complain a lot.

I also was thinking about when I was in Mississippi. Do you remember when I sent you an email asking you to leave me a voice mail message? I got a feeling that my request made you happy. It was like I was finally asking you for something, which is somewhat comparable to actually admitting that I needed something from you. I know everyone likes to feel needed, and maybe that request made you feel like I was benefiting from your work.

(By the way, I really like that voice mail message and I still listen to it.)

Although it may not seem that I am benefiting from your work, I obviously keep showing up so I hope you know I am getting something out of it. I’m getting more talkative, don’t you think?

So I do want to thank you today for:

-participating in my experiment. I’m not exactly sure what it accomplished, if anything, but I think it did lead to a good discussion and enabled me to get started talking which is the most difficult part for me. I know of other people’s therapists who don’t want to go outside of the box like you do, and I really appreciate that you do.
-asking me if I felt that you understood what I was saying.
-asking me if I felt that you were validating my feelings.
-tolerating my out of the ordinary methods of getting my thoughts out – ie; the index cards, emails, collages, slide shows, etc.

I also have been thinking about if I can improve my feelings of unworthiness. It’s kind of like that chicken and egg conundrum. You said I have to use logic, and I have to let feelings disperse like your dog’s mud in the water in the pool. But I kind of feel that in order to make that work I have to have stronger feelings of self value first. It is very difficult, and it feels like we always come back to the same problem, and I’m starting to feel like it will never change.

I think if I think more highly of myself, then little things like you not telling me about your vacation won’t bother me. But I think what you are saying is that if I don’t let things like that bother me I will think more highly of myself. I don’t even want to write any more about this, but maybe we can talk more about it sometime. It’s very hard for me to talk about though.

But I don’t want you to think that I am not benefiting from your work, and I don’t want you to dread Tuesdays at 11am. And if that ever happens, I hope you will tell me. Thanks J

See what I was getting at here? I was worried that if he thinks I’m not benefitting from his work, he won’t be happy and he won’t treat me well. I suppose this is something I should talk about in therapy. Does anyone else want to make their t happy?

In our session yesterday I happened to mention that I have been avoiding people in order to avoid my sensitive self from being hurt. He said that I can’t avoid conflict.

In the afternoon I got an email from two really good friends – I’ve been friends with one of them for over 25 years and the other for 20 years. They wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow night. Normally I would ignore the email, or say I couldn’t make it. But I thought J would be happy if I went. So I said I would. I even told them in the email that they could ask about my son (last time I warned them ahead of time not to ask) because he is having some health issues that I am anxious about. I thought that would make J even happier. Is this is silly reason to do something, because I think it will make my t happy? Or does it not matter, whatever it takes me to stop isolating is ok?

I also got into the self worth issue and how to improve that situation; trying to understand how to change and seeing it from two different viewpoints – the chicken vs the egg. And I tried to show some appreciation for things he did yesterday and in general.

J emailed me back today. I always find his emails unsatisfying, but I understand the nature of this method of communication. He can’t do therapy via email. I pour out my thoughts and feelings and he responds, “Thank you for sharing.” Well, his was more like this:

Thank you for sharing your feelings and your viewpoint. I, too, think that you are making progress. You have been more talkative and more open and you seem relatively more relaxed during our meetings. I am glad to hear that the “outside the box” stuff is valuable to you. In general, I am game for whatever works. We can discuss more next week (and I think we should continue to look at these issues).

This was nice because he used somewhat normal language. But it doesn’t really respond to the meat of my email, does it? But we can discuss it more next week. I was thinking next week I might want to discuss my anxiety about my son’s health issues, since he is having his tests next week. Is it worth it to talk about anxiety in therapy? There’s not much that can be done about it. Can it possibly be that I have reached the point where I have too much to discuss in therapy? How can that be? Must be the Red Bull Energy Shots.

Tags: email, therapy

I was glad I had my index cards today, because it is always so hard to get started when there has been a break in therapy. We started with some insurance stuff, and got that out of the way. Then I asked J if he would mind participating in an experiment, and I told him I wrote a script with my part on pink cards and his part on blue cards. And then we can do the script with him saying what he would normally say.

He wanted to know what I was testing and I tried to assure him that this isn’t a test; that I know he doesn’t like to be tested. But I thought by writing it out it might clarify for me the kinds of things that I would want him to say to me.

So we started, and he did really well, he read exactly what was on the cards. Then we tried it without the cards, and what happened was what I thought would happen. He said he was influenced by what I wrote on the cards and couldn’t really respond off the cuff since he had read what I had written. But he did admit that there were certain things he would not have said like, “so that I knew I had screwed up.”

So basically the experiment didn’t really accomplish much except to get us on the path to a good discussion about how I felt when he told me he wouldn’t be here because he was going on vacation. He tried to get me to figure out why I think he thinks I’m too unimportant to tell about his vacation. He asked if I was angry, and at first I was angry, but then I decided that he did give me one week’s notice, so I didn’t have any right to be angry. That is when I realized that I am just not important enough for him to tell me. Especially when he sent me the email saying “I usually give more notice. That is how I traditionally handle the issue.” That made me feel even more like I’m obviously not important enough to tell.

By the way I asked who wrote his emails, and he said he did. I gave him a look that said, “I don’t believe you.” He said he was writing on his blackberry and that is why it might have seemed different. I told him that it was not because of the blackberry; that he writes differently than he talks. I said that I think I write just like I talk and he said that is totally untrue, I write much differently than I talk. I don’t think I do!

I asked if he forgot to tell anyone else about the vacation. He said that he has some clients (he called them ADHD college students) who he schedules with every week, they don’t have a consistent day and time for their appointment, so he didn’t count them. But no one else has complained about him not telling them, so he is assuming either he didn’t forget to tell anyone, or I am the only one who has complained about the lack of more notice.

He did say he was driving back from vacation at 6am yesterday morning and knowing he had an 11am appointment, but thinking that maybe he had a 10am appointment and he hadn’t printed out his schedule, and he was getting anxious about it. But it turned out he didn’t have a 10am appointment. And when he first started in private practice he would put up a sign on the door giving his vacation schedule because he was so nervous about forgetting to tell anyone. I told him he should restart that practice.

He also said he was 70% sure when I got there today I would want to talk about this issue, but he was thinking that maybe either something else came up for me in the last two weeks, or I just decided it was a mistake and moved on. Nope.

Then I kind of turned the conversation around and asked him if maybe he unconsciously on purpose didn’t tell me about his upcoming vacation. He asked what would be the benefit for him not to tell me. (I never understand that question. Why is it necessarily a benefit?) I told him that if it was me who unconsciously forgot to tell him I wouldn’t be there, it would most likely be because I was mad at him, or hurt by him, or thinking he was angry at me. So maybe he was feeling one of those things towards me. I asked him if he was in therapy, and he said he is not right now, but has been. He said he plans to do this work for 30 more years, and will be in therapy on and off, but right now is not. He said he doesn’t believe that he is feeling anything towards me that would cause him to unconsciously not tell me, and I told him maybe he should do some more thinking about that.

He suggested that maybe it was a boundary issue, because two weeks ago when this happened I was telling him that I was leaving for the beach that day. And he knew he was leaving for the beach the next week, so maybe he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable that he would be at the beach too. But, I said, I went to a different beach than you did and a different week. He said he didn’t know what beach I was going to, and I said I knew what beach he goes to (because he has a sticker on his car, and official license plates for that beach). He said, maybe it is like when I told him about the boy who died in my neighborhood and he had another client who told him about the same boy, and it made me uncomfortable that someone from my neighborhood might also be his client. I don’t really go for this theory; that he didn’t tell me he was going to the beach because it might make me uncomfortable to know that he would be going to the beach a week later.

He said while he was at the beach the other day he suddenly got a feeling: “What if I run into a client here?” I said that he must run into clients occasionally and he said surprisingly he doesn’t, and also it would be different at the beach. I said, “Yeah, in your bathing suit.” And he said, he didn’t even think of that, he was thinking more of being with his family and a client being with their family. I don’t know, you’d think this thought would have crossed his mind sooner than this week considering he’s been in practice for 10 years or so.

So we continued on with the discussion of me thinking I’m not deserving of getting respect or information, of thinking I’m worthless. I said it happens with others too, outside of therapy. Like when my kids leave a mess in the house, at first I get angry, then I decide I’m not even worthy of them picking up their stuff. I asked him how to get over this and he didn’t really have an answer. He put his head in his hands and didn’t talk. I asked him to think about when he learned about this in school, or to give me the book on it. This is always so frustrating for me. He did say logic, to always try and see the logic, but that has not been working.

I also brought up how I’m too sensitive and he admitted that I am sensitive in the “technical” sense. Not in the negative sense of being “too sensitive” but of being sensitive of my feelings; he said I’m mindful of my feelings. And again, how I hold on to negative things. And we talked about a situation like this one, where I could talk about it, or I could try to forget about it. That it is hard for me to forget about situations when I feel hurt, but how does it help to talk about it? How has this conversation helped me? I still don’t know why he didn’t tell me about the vacation, but I think it helped that he was willing to talk about it. In the therapy scenario one can talk about things like this, it doesn’t really fly in real life. I mean, I can say to someone, “You hurt my feelings when you did or said xyz” but it’s rare that I would have a 45 minute discussion delving into the nuts and bolts of it.

It always seems to come back to the same thing. And there doesn’t seem to be a solution. But I feel good about our discussion, and how much I talked. (Want to know my secret? Ten minutes before the session began I drank a Red Bull energy shot. I was unsure about doing this, because I am always so anxious in my sessions, but it seemed to turn my bad anxiety into good anxiety. This is will be a weekly thing, definitely.)

Afterward, of course I process the whole thing in my head. And what I have come up with is something J wrote to me back in May when we had the blow up during my birthday week. And he said he is frustrated because he doesn’t believe that I am benefiting from his work. And I also thought about when I was in Mississippi in April and I emailed him asking him to leave me a voice mail message on my cell phone. I got the feeling that he was really happy about this.

I have been thinking that J needs to feel like he is doing important work, like he is needed. Everyone needs this, but I think there is a fine line between being needed and having someone get too attached. And over the last month or so he has been frustrated by my lack of benefit of his work. This is all purely speculation on my part. But I think about the voice mail message, and the other time when I told him about the Word document I keep on my computer in which I write down all of the good things people say or write about me, and how he got this really big smile on his face when I told him that. And I want him to feel good about our work together. I know I am not responsible for his feelings, but we are both human beings, and if it makes him happy to work with me I think our work will be better. I want him to be happy, I don’t want him to dread his Tuesdays at 11am.

I’m writing him an email with some of these thoughts. To thank him for being so open minded with me, and accepting my “alternate” ways of doing therapy – email, collages, scripts, slide shows. I know there are many other therapists who don’t think outside the box like he does. He is really very tolerant of my methods. I do want him to know that I appreciate him, and what he does for me, and how he puts up with me.

I also want to explore more about getting over this feeling of being unworthy. I am reading a book – The Undervalued Self Restore Your Love/Power Balance, Transform the Inner Voice That Holds You Back, and Find Your True Self-Worth. I like this author, she wrote the books about being Highly Sensitive. I don’t know why I’ll get more out of books than out of therapy, but I keep reading them.

The thing is, it’s like the chicken and egg conundrum. I asked J how I can feel that I am more important, that I am a deserving person? And he said that it’s not that I need to feel more important, it’s that I should not feel that I am not important. Like I need to stop hanging on to the negative things. But I don’t think I can stop hanging on to the negative things until I feel more worthy and more deserving, then the negative things won’t bother me as much. Right now I keep trying to DO things, such as volunteer work, to feel better about myself, but that isn’t working. I need to get to the core of the problem, to really resolve what is wrong, so that I can actually like myself. Then, I think, when negative things happen, like J forgetting to tell me about his vacation, I won’t let it get to me. That seems to make more sense to me, but I don’t know how to do it. And he doesn’t seem to know how to do it either.

J told me that his neighbor invited J’s dog to swim in his pool, but J said his dog was very muddy and he didn’t think it would be a good idea. But the neighbor said his pool holds 17,000 gallons of water and a little mud won’t hurt it. So J brought the dog over and she jumped into the pool and he watched as the mud dispersed and disappeared. And that is what I need to have happen when I get oversensitive. I need to have these bad things disperse and disappear, like the mud in the water in the pool.

Tags: therapy

Went to the gynecologist today. I told him about my experiment with taking the last week off of the pill packs and the emotional upheaval and he said it is fine for me to stay on the b/c pills for another year or two and never take another week off. He said around age 52 is the cut off, but then I can start hormone replacement. Eh, I’m not planning that far ahead. I just am glad I can continue on the pills and not take any more weeks off.

I love my gynecologist. I’ve been seeing him since before my son was born, and he is now 20. He is really handsome and about 15 years older than me. Wait, let me google him and check that. Hold on….

OK, he graduated college in 1968. Assuming he was 21 then he would be 63 now. I wish he was my therapist instead of gynecologist. Oh well, then I probably wouldn’t love him as much. I ran into him at the grocery store once, and before he saw me I made a beeline for the exit. That’s kind of ick – seeing one’s gynecologist out on the free range. Every year I ask him if he is going to retire and every year he says no. So far he’s been truthful.

Also every year he tries to give me a sample pack of b/c pills. But I normally take the generic kind and he tries to give me a sample of the non-generic kind. I have told him the non-generic kind gives me migraines and he says, “They are the same!” And I always say, “They are NOT the same!” We go through this every year. I always win, because I say, “You’ve never taken them!” I also tell him I don’t feel comfortable taking samples because I am sure that he has patients who cannot afford b/c pills, and with my insurance they are so damn cheap. So I tell him to save them for those patients.

I have excellent gynecological health, so I only see him once a year. So sad.

Tomorrow is back to therapy. Meh.

I have written up the script on index cards for J. My part in pink, his in blue. I’d like to video our session, or record it. But I would never do that.

I’ve been feeling down for the last few days. Tomorrow my daughter is turning 18 and tonight she had 5 friends over and I made a nice dinner for them. We did the same thing last year. Here’s some food pics. I made the chocolate trifle, I know you guys love that! If we ever all got together I would definitely make one for you.

I made shrimp, two kinds of orzo, and the trifle. I didn’t make the bread, I bought that. Doing all of this cheered me up a little.

So here is the final version of the script, thank you to everyone who helped me to write it:

Me: I wanted to talk about how I felt two weeks ago when you told me as I was walking out the door that you wouldn’t be here the next week.

J: OK. What type of feelings did that bring up for you? Again, I apologize for not letting you know earlier. I’m glad you wrote me before I left so that I knew I had screwed up.

Me: I’m hesitant to mention it because a couple of months ago you forgot to answer an email, and when I brought it up in our session I thought you got defensive because your response was, “How many times have I NOT forgotten to return your emails?”

J: Perhaps my comment did seem defensive and more focused on my feelings than on yours. I said that because I wanted to remind you that I am only human. I make mistakes too. But I can see how you might have heard that as being defensive. Do you think I’ll be defensive in our discussion of the vacation?

Me: I thought you got defensive, and maybe you were just trying to point out the truth of the situation. And that was the truth. But I wanted to talk about how I felt, and when you said that it made me feel worse, like I am expecting too much and that I am too critical.

J: So when I responded that way you thought I didn’t want to hear about your feelings?

Me: Yes, and now because of that I’m not sure if I should talk about how I felt two weeks ago because I don’t want to be petty; you did give me a week’s notice.

J: It isn’t petty to want to discuss how you felt about a situation or circumstance. That is what we do in therapy – discuss our feelings and reactions to events. Would you like to share now, how it affected you when I announced I’d be gone last week, and it was a surprise to you to hear this?

Me: I felt like I didn’t matter when you told me at the last minute that you were going on vacation. Usually you would tell me further in advance, and I thought maybe it was a last minute decision but the way you asked me made it seem like it wasn’t. You didn’t say, “Don’t forget I won’t be here next week”, you said, “Did I tell you I won’t be here next week?” which made me think that you knew the week before that you wouldn’t be here and you just didn’t tell me. And that brought up the usual feelings I get of being unimportant, without value, worthless, etc.

J: So you felt like I didn’t tell you in advance because you are not important enough to keep informed? I’m sorry that the result of my mistake is that you feel bad about yourself. Tell me more about how you felt when you realized I’d be gone and I hadn’t told you earlier.

I’m hoping we can do this conversation my way, and then repeat it with J saying the things he would really say. I’ll be sure to report back tomorrow.

Tags: daughter, emotions, food, therapy

I had a terrible time sleeping last night. Weird (not bad) dreams, and I kept waking up. And you know what, I can’t remember whether or not I took klonopin before I went to bed. That doesn’t mean I didn’t, but since I don’t remember doing it, perhaps I didn’t. And that could explain the poor sleep. Aah. Addicted to klonopin again, sigh.

And I put in for a refill on my rx a week ago, and it still isn’t ready. Which means either the pharmacy isn’t following up with my pdoc, or my pdoc isn’t calling it in. Tomorrow I need to follow up on this. I do have a stash, but don’t want to be cutting into the stash.

I’m getting anxious about therapy on Tuesday. I haven’t been in two weeks, which was kind of nice. I wish I could let go of things. I have been thinking about that long email I sent J in January, summarizing my life and my therapy over the last year, and how we really spent basically one session talking about it. I really wish we could have spent more time on that. There was so much in there, so much material, and it is all still relevant. I still think about that, how maybe if we could talk about it more it would be helpful. But I’d never mention it. I’ve had the urge to read my blog from back in January and February, but I’m afraid of getting depressed.

I was thinking of doing another one of those summaries, for the first 6 months of this year. A lot of stuff would be the same, so I guess it would be like talking about that last email. The thing about J is, though, he wants me to make observations in the present, rather than look back on things. It’s really hard for me to do that though. Like I could go through my whole session and not notice or feel things, but as soon as I leave I start processing everything that we said and then I start to feel things about what went on. This is a habit of mine outside of therapy also. I do agree that it would be helpful to observe things in the moment and deal with them as they happen. How do I do that?

Tags: feelings, medication, therapy

Yesterday I took my son to the doctor because he has been having GI problems. He is always nauseous, particularly after he eats, and he often throws up after he eats. I thought the doctor would just give him some medicine, but he wants him to have some blood work and a barium xray. This would not be a problem for most people, but my son (who is 20) has a terrible phobia of doctors and needles. Now he is deciding whether to have the blood test this week or next. He knows he doesn’t want it at all, but he is trying to decide whether to put it off a week, which means a lot of anxiety for a week, or get it over with. And a friend of his told him she had the barium xray and she is sure he won’t be able to do it, because he won’t be able to drink the stuff because it is gross. He gags just eating chicken. I feel very badly for him. He is eating less than usual; he normally eats just once a day. And he eats junk, and drinks a lot of soda. I think he has lost weight – at the office he weighed 125 with clothes and shoes, and he is six feet tall. The doctor said it could be a sluggish stomach, or h. pylori, or celiac disease, or crohn’s disease. Great choices? NOT. My son was asking me about it last night, and he seems very worried. I asked the doctor if I could give him some klonopin or xanax before the blood test and he said that would be fine.

Tomorrow I see the gynecologist. I’m trying to decide how much to tell him. Maybe I don’t even need to say anything; I’ll just go back to taking the birth control pills continuously without the week off. I’m hesitant to tell him anything that will make him think I’m unstable. For example in June, when I was having my period, and I got into that rage and was “organizing” my daughter’s junk in the garage and broke a bottle, then picked up a piece of the broken glass and cut my arm with it. I didn’t even tell my t about that. My gynecologist will most likely not be so understanding. But I do want him to know that I think that my hormone levels seem to be effecting my emotions, so maybe I’ll just tone it down a little and tell him I was throwing the broken glass into the recycling bin trying to smash it.

Meanwhile, I’ve been bleeding for 7 days now. That’s a long period for me. It’s not heavy or crampy, just ongoing. But I start a new pill pack tonight, so hopefully it will stop. I also developed a migraine yesterday morning, I was having some stress as a combination of work and my daughter’s car having repairs and arguing with the warranty company, and this headache goes away when I take my migraine meds, but comes back after about 4 or 5 hours. That was the original reason I stopped taking the week off the pills, because whenever I stopped for a week I would get a migraine.

Then I had a terrible run this morning. It was pouring rain, and 95% humidity, and my Achilles’ are just hurting me so bad. I think I really have to admit I have Achilles tendonitis, and I need to stop running for a while. I just don’t have time for physical therapy. I don’t know what I’ll do if I have to stop running.

I’m sorry this is whiney.

And this isn’t even everything – you wouldn’t believe what is happening at work.

But one good thing happened, my boss invited me to “movie night”, a weekly event he is having at his home for his sons and their friends. He has a home theater in the basement, complete with popcorn maker. So I brought a bottle of wine, and watched the movie “Serious Man” with boss, his two sons, and a few of their friends. Lots of testosterone in the room! It was a wonderful movie. One thing you can’t deny about the Coen brothers – they really know how to end a movie.

At first I wasn’t sure whether I would go, but I’m glad I did. It was fun.

Tags: gynecologist, hormones, running, son, work

Lately I’ve been getting into other people’s experiences and emotions a little too much, to the point where I am overwhelmed emotionally. This is happening with friends, co-workers, hotline callers, the foster child I work with and his support team, and family. I know I have empathy for people, but it is often hard to control. I am feeling the need to take a step back from everyone and chill for a minute.

I recently read this article on a blog about Highly Sensitive People (HSP) and it is very enlightening.

Recently, I came across a discussion about HSPs, empathy, wanting to help and codependence. The point was made that—as HSPs—we have a deep sense of empathy, which makes it very easy (“natural” even) to “get into another person’s experience,” but that doing so often really is less about wanting to help, than about escaping from certain unaddressed issues of our own. And that the tendency to rush to help and enmesh ourselves (and “rescue”) in other people’s lives can really be quite unhealthy in the way it leads us to “forget” or “overlook” taking care of ourselves.

This makes me uncomfortable. I have talked about this in therapy, that I don’t help people because of a sense of wanting to help people, I do it to make myself feel better because I think I’m a bad person. It’s nice to see someone else put this in writing, because it’s not something really talked about. But instead of rushing to help people to make myself feel better, I guess I should work on the underlying issues of why I feel bad first. Then when I volunteer to help someone I won’t have to feel guilty because I’m doing it for the wrong reasons.

I also believe there are many and varied reasons why we “go there,” ranging from actual (conscious or UNconscious) fear of examining our own unaddressed issues, to enmeshment and codependence issues, to a sort of arrogance (Yes, I really DID just say “arrogance,” about HSPs!) in which we assume we simply “know better” than others what’s good for them. When I looked at this issue in myself, I realized it was all tied into old abandonment issues… by enmeshing myself in other people’s problems, I could make myself “indispensable,” and who’s going to abandon someone indispensable to them? Problem solved!

That is so true for me, I have a fear of people not needing me, so if I make myself indispensable to them they will never abandon me.

I should add, however, that I believe there are healthy and toxic expressions of this tendency… although many are probably “unhealthy” to various degrees… However, if you are simply a very giving and selfless person, who’s also very aware of your own “bag of goods,” a deep caring about healing and the well-being of others is definitely not a bad thing.

I am aware of my bag of goods, which in my case is probably an extremely large piece of luggage, however is just being aware enough?

So how do we assess what’s really going on with us? I believe that acceptance of– and then maintaining an ongoing mindfulness about the fact that we do this– offers us an invitation to pause and then exercise self care. The key word there is SELF. For me, that was a strange “pill” to swallow… I came to see how I was (often passive-aggressively) offended by anyone who took care of themselves FIRST, and by extension felt “offended” by the notion that I should take care of me. Of course, that was really just a “smoke screen” laid over a deeper issue. That issue being my pathological fear that people would not like me and abandon me if my focus was no longer on “being useful” to them. Ultimately, I had to face my root fear that I was not loveable simply as a person, but only to the extent I could “do things” for others. In one of those ironic twists of life, it was actually that very “excessive helpfulness” that made me come across as rather arrogant and needy, at the same time.

I could have written this, but slightly differently. I don’t feel offended by the notion that I should take care of me first, I just don’t feel I deserve to be taken care of, by me or anyone. I do feel that I need to be useful to people, or they won’t want me around anymore. I wonder if I am coming across as arrogant and needy? I don’t see that, but I don’t see what others see.

I heard something noteworthy, a while ago: “Taking care of YOURSELF is respecting, caring about and loving other people.” On the surface, it took me aback, a bit. At first, I struggled to agree. After all, I’d “processed” a lot of old garbage to reach a place that felt to me like I was finally “just being.”

But really? It’s TRUE. When I take care of myself, and my needs, I am making a statement to others to the effect that “I care enough about YOU to offer you my BEST and “examined” self, not just a ‘broken and damaged’ version of myself with just as many issues as anyone else.” In case that’s not coming across as being very nice or clear… think of it this way: On a psychological/spiritual level, it’s exactly the same as taking a shower, combing your hair, and wearing clean clothes when you leave your house to go spend time with friends. You care enough to do that… so take some time out to care enough to “tidy up” your heart, mind and soul, too.

This makes so much sense. Of course other people would rather spend time with a mentally healthy person than a screwed up person with a large piece of luggage filled with icky baggage. Which I guess is why I have been isolating myself for so long now, thinking no one will want to be around me.

So maybe instead of getting so overly emotionally involved with all of these other people, I need to just step back and observe and stay out of their issues for a while. I need to come to grips with the fact that, yes, they may abandon me if they don’t need me, but maybe I didn’t really need them either. And what is it taking out of me by being emotionally drained all the time? I can use that energy to work on myself, to try to fix the things that need fixing within me, so that when I do decide to reach out and help someone I can do it from a position of strength instead of desperation to be needed.

Tags: empathy, self care, sensitive

I think I’ve mentioned my fear of this diagnosis. Isn’t that weird? Diagnosis phobia – wonder if there is a fancy word for that. Here are the criteria, with my remarks interspersed:

Borderline Personality Disorder DSM IV Criteria

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

Frantic – what do they mean by that? I do have self protective behaviors to avoid abandonment. I close myself off from people, isolate, etc. Is that frantic? The word frantic seems so subjective. Here is how they explain it:

The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self-image, affect, cognition, and behavior. These individuals are very sensitive to environmental circumstances. They experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger even when faced with a realistic time-limited separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans (e.g. sudden despair in reaction to a clinician’s announcing the end of the hour; panic of fury when someone important to them is just a few minutes late or must cancel an appointment). They may believe that this “abandonment” implies they are “bad.” These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-mutilating or suicidal behaviors, which are described separately in Criterion 5.

I would say I am not frantic given this explanation.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

I don’t particularly idealize or devalue anyone. I have had friendships that have lasted for over 25 years. Until recently that is. Now my relationships are unstable, due to my isolating behavior which began a little over a year ago.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

My self-image is very negative, but I wouldn’t say it is unstable. It’s pretty much negative 100% of the time. Sense of self? I don’t have that at all. I am constantly wondering who I am, why my outside is so different from my inside, why no one can see the real me. So I have to give this one a 50%.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

I do have episodes of spending, but they are usually planned. I have a list of things I want to buy, then when I get paid I rush right out and buy them. Is that what they mean by impulsive? Or do they mean I just have a whim and run around the stores buying things even if I have no money?

Substance abuse – well, sometimes I drink a little too much. I don’t abuse my prescription drugs, but I do stash them.

I tailgate really badly. That can be reckless.

I don’t binge eat.

So maybe a 50% for this one?

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Suicidal behavior – I have the supplies, I went to a store to buy them, and that is behavior.

Suicidal gesture – what is that? Do they mean attempt? I have not made an attempt.

Suicidal threat – is that suicidal ideation? Or is it more like, “If you don’t empty the dishwasher I am going to kill myself?” I don’t do that.

Self-mutilating behavior – I do that.

I give myself a 75% for this one.

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Is my affect unstable? I do have episodes of feeling bad, which I suppose qualifies me for intense episodic dysphoria, I do have irritability big time, definitely anxiety, but it can last more than a few days. Are these due to a marked reactivity of mood? Possibly, but I don’t know. Isn’t everyone’s affect due to their mood? This one is confusing here is their explanation.

The basic dysphoric mood of those with Borderline Personality Disorder is often disrupted by periods of anger, panic, or despair and is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction. These episodes may reflect the individual’s extreme reactivity troubled by chronic feelings of emptiness (Criterion 7). Easily bored, they may constantly seek something to do. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder frequently express inappropriate, intense anger or have difficulty controlling their anger (Criterion 8). They may display extreme sarcasm, enduring bitterness, or verbal outbursts. The anger is often elicited when a caregiver or lover is seen as neglectful, withholding, uncaring, or abandoning. Such expressions of anger are often followed by shame and guilt and contribute to the feeling they have of being evil. These episodes occur most frequently in response to a real or imagined abandonment. Symptoms tend to be transient, lasting minutes or hours. The real or perceived return of the caregiver’s nurturance may result in a remission of symptoms.

I think I give myself 100% on this.

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

100%

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

I do have intense anger and difficulty controlling it, but I rarely display it and it is not constant. I would say once a month or so I have a display of anger consisting of yelling at my kids, or throwing things. Not sure if the anger is inappropriate, because it is in response to something. I’ll have to say 50% here.

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

0%

I need 5 of these to have the diagnosis.

1. not sure
2. 0% up until last year, now not sure
3. 50%
4. 50%
5. 75%
6. 100%
7. 100%
8. 50%
9. 0%

So out of 9 I have a score of 4.25. Does make me a borderline Borderline Personality Disorder? Or is the 5 a distinct cut off point? It also says this disorder shows up in young adulthood and can get better as the person ages. Nothing in there about suddenly developing it in middle age. I don’t know what to think.

Tags: borderline personality disorder

A blog friend and I came up with this crazy idea when I mentioned I was hesitant to talk to J about something because I wasn’t sure I would like his response. The last time I tried to talk to him about my feelings about something similar, I got a response that I felt was defensive. Of course, I could have been perceiving it wrong, as I frequently do.

So we decided to write a script. I would write mine and t’s lines on cards, and I would read my lines, then he would read the ones I wrote for him.

I thought after we did this little exercise we could do it again, but this time with him saying what he would really say.

The problem is, because I hate to admit I have needs, I don’t know what my needs are. So I have all of my lines written, but I don’t know what I want him to say in return. That’s where I need your help. Those of you who are therapists, or have good or even Wonder!! Therapists (I’m jealous, seriously) could tell me what would be a good thing for a t to say to you in response to these things.

I suppose every client needs different things from their t, right? But I’d love to get a variety of responses so that I can further define what it is that I think I need and what would be helpful to me. Even if everyone who answers gives me a different response I think it would be so helpful.

So here is the script, and if you can come up with a line or two for t, please post in comments. Thank you so much!

Me: I wanted to talk about how I felt two weeks ago when you told me as I was walking out the door that you wouldn’t be here the next week.

T line #1:

Me: I’m hesitant to mention it because a couple of months ago you forgot to answer an email, and when I brought it up in our session I thought you got defensive because your response was, “How many times have I NOT forgotten to return your emails?”

T line #2:

Me: I thought you got defensive, but maybe you were just trying to point out the truth of the situation. And that was the truth. But I wanted to talk about how I felt, and when you said that it made me feel worse, like I am expecting too much and that I am too critical.

T line #3:

Me: So now I wanted to talk about how I felt two weeks ago and I’m not sure if I should because I don’t want to be petty.

T line #4:

Me: But I felt like I didn’t matter when you told me at the last minute that you were going on vacation. Usually you would tell me further in advance, and I thought maybe it was a last minute decision but the way you asked me made it seem like it wasn’t. You didn’t say, “Don’t forget I won’t be here next week”, you said, “Did I tell you I won’t be here next week?” which made me think that you knew the week before that you wouldn’t be here and you just didn’t tell me. And that brought up the usual feelings I get of being unimportant, without value, worthless, etc.

T line #5:

Tags: feelings, therapy

Yes, I did it. And she answered the damn phone. What is with these therapists – why aren’t they with clients? I wanted to just leave a message, but she answered, so I had to talk to her.

I told her about my therapy and why I am looking for possibly someone new.

She told me that ethically she cannot see me if I am seeing another t. She wanted to know if he knew I was calling her, and I said no, but I did tell her about the experience with parrot T and how I did tell J about that. She wanted to know what I didn’t like about parrot T and I told her everything. I explained that I thought maybe someone halfway between J and parrot T on the weirdness bell curve would be nice. I told her that J is great, he is nice, he lets me write to him via email because I communicate so much better in writing than in talking “As you can probably tell.” She replied, “No I would not guess that, you seem to be doing very well.”

She answered all of my questions. Her fee is more than J’s (since I get the good customer discount from him), but her sessions are longer, 50 minutes. She would be able to give me a standing appointment every week. She practices psychodynamic/eclectic therapy and uses “modern” techniques, whatever that is. She believes the relationship between the therapist and the client is important, and she is involved in the process.

I wasn’t crazy about her voice, and it sounded like she might have been eating something, but maybe she was just swallowing weird. She is definitely not an INFJ.

She said if I told J that I was going to interview another t and if he is ok with it she would be fine with meeting me for a consultation, but she won’t do therapy until I finish with J. I told her that I don’t know if it’s the therapy, it it’s me, or if it’s J that is the problem, but I am hesitant to start with someone knew. First, due to my trust issues, it could take me a year to tell a new t about my problems. Then in a year and a half I could be back here at the same exact place, but with a different t.

She said it would be good for me to talk to J about me being stuck in the therapy and how we can work it out. She wanted to know if we have talked about that, and I wasn’t sure really. He has told me I am stuck, but I don’t know if he told me what to do about it. I think that he thinks that just talking week after week will cause something to change in me.

So that was that. I do feel something though. I feel like I want to talk to J about what we are doing, where we are going, how we are getting there. More nuts and bolts I suppose. I keep thinking of “Good Will Hunting” (which I watch often) and how when Robin William’s character (Sean) tells Matt Damon’s character (Will) “It’s not your fault” Will believes him. And it changes his life. How did those two characters get to that place where Will could believe Sean? I would like to get a place like that, where I could believe J.

Tags: therapy