Tag Archives: anger

Jun 27 2010

Some random things:

A friend was telling me that her daughter is going on a weeklong mission trip to North Carolina with the local Methodist church. I told her it sounds like the people who I met in Gulfport, Mississippi when I went there for Habitat for Humanity. She asked me who I went with and I told her I went alone. She said, “That is just amazing! That you wanted to do something and you just went all by yourself!” People say this sort of thing all the time. I know they really do think it is amazing, and unusual, and that I am “the most independent person they have ever met in their entire lives.” I don’t feel it though. I feel that I am doing these things to isolate myself, or to run away from problems, or because I am searching for something and I don’t know what it is.

On August 1st it will be one year since I started on the crisis hotline. I made a one year commitment and I am trying to decide whether or not to continue. The main factor in this decision is that I got this new job in February and it is working out to be about 25 hours a week. Plus 5 hours for my other job, and another 5 or so per week seeing my foster child. So there isn’t a lot of time left over. Selfishly I also really want a day in my week when I don’t have to set my alarm clock. During the work week I get up at 6:30, Saturdays I get up at 5:30 or 6:00 to run, and Sundays I get up at 7:00 to get to the hotline. Then I was thinking of switching to another shift, but the weekdays are so busy already. I enjoy the hotline, even though I don’t really feel like I am doing much. I will have to think about this some more during the next month.

Yesterday I was having a pretty nice day. Got up really early, went for an 11 mile run down to the zoo. Then my running group went to a coffee shop and I sat with another woman who I have been running with for the last 3 weeks or so. She has a son somewhat like my son, and she is divorced, so she is interesting to talk to and we have some things in common. I actually worked with her when I was a substitute teacher, but I didn’t know her well. Then I came home, and spent the day at the pool. Swam, and read, and napped. Talked to people who came and went. Around 6PM I went home to shower and change so that my husband, son and I could go out to dinner.

I went into the bathroom. Noticed there was no toilet paper on the roll. Got annoyed. How hard is it for whoever uses up the paper to replace it? There is plenty more under the sink, you don’t even have to move to get it. So I replaced the paper. Went to the bathroom (sorry for too much information), flushed the toilet. Turns out the toilet was clogged by the last person who used it and now the water is overflowing all over the bathroom floor. I grabbed the towels and threw them on the floor. Not enough. Ran into the kids’ bathroom and grabbed all the towels there (they have tons of them since they never bring them down to the laundry room, just keep taking new ones), and ran back to my bathroom to throw them on the floor. Ran back to the kids’ bathroom to get the plunger and run back to my bathroom to plunge the toilet, which takes all of 3 seconds.

Now I have an unclogged toilet, but the floor is full of sopping wet towels and rugs. I take the plunger back to the kids’ bathroom, throw it across the room, and slam the door. Go into the linen closet to get a clean towel for me and slam the door. My son asks what is wrong. I ignore him. My husband comes upstairs and asks what is wrong. I scream at him, “Someone left the toilet clogged and now I am the one cleaning up the mess.” He says nothing, turns around, and leaves.

This same exact thing had happened a couple of weeks ago. After that time my husband went to the linen closet because I had used all of the towels in the bathroom to soak up the water, and he got himself a fresh towel. Didn’t bring one in for me though. I said to him at the time, “I see you got yourself a clean towel, but didn’t get me one.” No response. So this time I got myself a clean towel and didn’t get him one.

I piled all of the wet towels and rugs into a laundry basket and it was outside the bathroom door while I showered and changed. My husband came upstairs to change his clothes. Walked right by the basket full of wet towels into the closet to change. Walked right by the basket of wet towels to go back downstairs.

I am feeling rage. I get these feelings of fury, of rage, and lately they have been happening more often. It happens when people in my family do things like leave me a big mess to clean up, act like I am the maid, pretend they are stupid and don’t know how to do anything, don’t admit they made the mess, etc. I guess they are making me feel devalued, and my response is rage.

Sometimes it gets really bad and I throw things. I used to do this a lot when my kids were little and there is a lot of shame there. My little kids would see me have terrible tantrums and throw and break things. I don’t do it as often now, but I still feel the rage. It is horrible. A couple of weeks ago I broke a bottle while in a rage (cleaning up a mess my daughter left), and picked up a piece of the broken glass and slashed my arm with it.

I can’t even write about this anymore. I’m still doing the damn laundry for the towels and rugs from the overflowed toilet. And I am still furious at my husband.

Jun 11 2010

Feeling Annoyed

I’m thinking about my conversation with the woman I work for that I had the other day. I’m starting to feel a little angry about the whole thing actually. I was feeling good about my decision in regards to my son, the one I’ve been writing about a lot lately so you know what I’m talking about. When the issue of my son came up with her and I told her what I had decided I was feeling confident and calm about it.

But she didn’t like it obviously, and she let me know. She did it in a very kind way, and she kept saying, “I’m not a therapist” but she was asking me questions like a therapist would. And she was telling me what to do. I don’t understand why she would do that if I didn’t ask her to. I guess I was just looking for a response something along the lines of, “It sounds like you are happy with your decision, I’m glad you feel good about it.” The end.

Why did it turn into a whole mess, with me left crying and miserable? Is that what friends do?

Later on I sent her an email saying “I apologize for the meltdown and that I was feeling really good about my decision regarding A, so I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry I subjected you to my issues.”

Her response was, “No apology necessary. I consider you my friend and I am here to support you, laugh with you and cry with you. I can understand your angst. Take care of yourself. S”

Now I am feeling like I want to confront her and say, “Look, I didn’t ask to be therapized by you. If you consider yourself my friend why can’t you just support me like you say you want to instead of telling me what to do and delving into my personal life that you don’t even understand?”

But I don’t know what that would accomplish. It would probably just mess up our relationship, so I’ll suck it up and ruminate on it and never forget it. I’m already annoyed at her because she wants me to work Monday mornings instead of Monday afternoons which means I can’t visit my foster child and it makes no difference in the amount or quality of my work whether I go in the morning or the afternoon.

This is why I can’t stand people sometimes. And why I isolate and just want to be alone. It’s easier.

May 8 2010

Angry at My Husband

I’ve been angry at my husband all week. I wasn’t sure why, he really hasn’t done anything. But after I wrote my last blog post about J responding like my husband does, I’m wondering if I am angry at my husband because of what J did. I know that makes no sense at all, but sometimes I am very illogical. Instead of getting angry at J for not responding to something I said, I got angry at my husband; because that is how my husband would normally react. I have no idea if this is making sense, but it’s a possibility.

Today I was going to Costco with my daughter because I am having 28 people over for Mother’s Day tomorrow and my mother said I could get everything I need at Costco. I never go to Costco because it is too crowded and overwhelming for me, but I made an exception today. But I got very frustrated at Costco because they hardly had anything I needed, even though my mother told me they would have everything. And they give out a lot of samples of free food and I ate them all.

While we were there I asked my daughter what my husband was getting me for Mother’s Day and my birthday, and she said she didn’t know. I told her that I said to him that I didn’t want or need anything. But in passing I mentioned that his gift last year was great – it was a Cabi gift certificate. Cabi is a line of clothing that my friend sells, and I love it. I was able to buy a couple of really cute outfits with the gift certificate my husband gave me.

Also while we were at Costco I mentioned that we need to get a new camera because my daughter and I share our camera and she is going off to college, and taking the camera.

After I dropped my daughter off I went to the grocery store to buy the rest of the things that I couldn’t get at Costco. I was still having trouble finding everything I needed – it was so frustrating! Why don’t grocery stores sell egg salad? Is that so weird?

Then at 5PM I get a text message from my daughter:

“Would u rather have a camera or a cabi gift card?”

I respond:

“For Mother’s Day? Isn’t that last minute?”

She says:

“Birthday?”

I say:

“I don’t need anything”

She says:

“Which one?”

I didn’t answer. I know she was just texting me what my husband was asking. He is not a good texter.

I wanted to say, “I would have preferred for someone to care enough to give some careful thought to what I might want, rather than wait until the night before and ask me to flip a coin.” But since I was communicating with him through my daughter I didn’t say that.

Now I really had something to be angry with my husband about. But you know what I did? I called my mother. And I said to her, “You told me I could get everything I needed for the party at Costco and I couldn’t and now I’ve been all over town today trying to get the stuff I need.”

And she said, “I didn’t say you could get it at Costco.” Oh my god, she is crazy. She definitely told me that. She continued, “I thought you were going to Snyder’s.” I have never been to Snyder’s in my life, why would I shop there? She asked if I wanted her to find me the stuff I needed and I said, “No, I’ll get it. I have to call the bagel store now. I have to go.” And I hung up on her. So now I am angry at my husband because of what J did and I am taking it out on my mother. Are you following this?

Then, and yes there is more, I was making the cakes for the party tomorrow. My husband was in the kitchen and I told him that I needed to put the cake into the refrigerator for about half an hour in order for the frosting to firm up, and that I would need to take the jug of iced tea out of the refrigerator so that there would be room for the cake. So I did that and left the iced tea on the counter.

Fifteen minutes later he comes walking through the kitchen and picks up the iced tea jug. He says, “Why is this here? Shouldn’t it be in the refrigerator?”

Yep, I am obviously a nothing in this household.

Apr 14 2010

Family Issues, Anger, and Being Weird

Yesterday morning I was in a really bad mood. It was April 13 – one month until my birthday. I was feeling really down about not getting “better” – my goal was to feel better by my birthday. I’ve been therapy for 1 1/2 years or so? Am I getting better? I don’t think so.

On Monday I had decided to invite everyone to my house for Mother’s Day (May 9th in the US). Mother’s Day is always difficult – we have to juggle two families, the holiday itself, my son’s birthday and my birthday. I don’t like to combine my family and my husband’s family because they don’t really get along, but it’s hard to split the day and go from one family to the other. It’s great that both my husband and I have caring mothers, judgmental as they may be, and close families. But logistically it’s difficult sometimes.

So I emailed everyone, and immediately got replies from my mother, sister and aunt. Of course. My husband’s family? Nothing. Still haven’t heard. I called his mother last night to talk to her about it directly. She asked if I talked to S and A yet – my sister in laws. I said that I emailed them. She said, well we can talk about it on Sunday. Talk about it? What’s to talk about? You either come or you don’t. But that is how they are. They have to consult amongst themselves before they will commit.

Then there is my mother – the ESTJ. “ESTJs thrive on order and continuity. Being extraverted, their focus involves organization of people, which translates into supervision.”

She calls me up on Monday to tell me what we will make, what we will buy, when we will do all the work, that she will come over the night before and help. I’m not even in that mode yet! I just invited everyone, I’m not planning anything yet. I don’t even know who is coming. But I went along with her, because now that I understand the ESTJ mentality (psychosis is better term) I know that I just have to go along with what she says. For now anyway.

Then yesterday morning my sister calls. She says “I talked to Mom about Mother’s Day. She says we need cakes. A cake for A (my son), a cake for you, a cake for Mother’s Day.” I say, “We don’t need any cakes.” (I always make myself a red velvet cake for my birthday, and I love to bake, so any cakes will be made by me!) She said my mother was telling her to make cakes. I said, “We don’t need any cakes!” She said, “Well mom says we need cakes.” I yelled, and I mean yelled, “WE DON’T NEED ANY CAKES!” I was losing it.

But my sister is clueless. She had no idea I was getting angry. She started to laugh. “Yeah, mom says we need cakes. You really opened a can of worms, didn’t you?” I said, “I have to go get in the shower.” She replies, “Well it’s 53 degrees and it’s supposed to rain later!” I don’t need a personal fucking meteorologist too, thank you very much.

Last night my son asks me, “Who were you yelling at this morning?” I told him it was Aunt A. I said I was mad at her, but she couldn’t tell. He said, “I could tell and I was in the other room.” Yeah, she is so clueless.

I have often felt this rage towards my sister. I used to yell at her really badly when we were kids. I haven’t felt it in a while though, and I’m sure it wasn’t really directed at her. It’s me and my frustration about everything. Stressed out right now.

And I had a terrible night. I couldn’t sleep at all. That usually happens after unfulfilling therapy sessions. I wonder what I really wanted out of the session. I think I wanted J to help me figure out what exactly is weird about me, so that I can either come to grips with it or change. But he says he doesn’t think I’m weird. That’s very nice, but a lot of people have said otherwise. Yes, come right out and said it. The word “weird”. Nicer ones have used terms like my “idiosyncrasies” or “differences”. Some use phrases like, “No one has ever said that before” or “it’s never bothered anyone else before”.

Now that I think about it J himself has told me things like this. Of course I write about every session so I can go back and read my notes. He has said he says or does things in my sessions that he doesn’t do or say with others. And that my anxiety in therapy is very unlike his other clients who feel very safe and comfortable there. And I’m the only one who has ever told him that he is intimidating.

Do those things make me weird? No, of course not. But this shows that there seem to be differences between me and “most” people, at least in this situation. And is it that uncommon for a person to compare themselves to “most” people? I think it’s pretty common. So maybe he was telling me the truth when he said he doesn’t think I’m weird, but I didn’t ask him if he thinks I’m different.

A couple of times I said, “Don’t you think I should just accept the fact that I’m weird and learn to live with it somehow?” But he just kept on trying to convince me that I’m not weird. I don’t know what to think now.

Apr 2 2010

An Open Letter to My T.

Dear J,

I’m feeling angry about therapy. Here are some of the reasons why:

You always start the session by asking, “So what are we talking about today?” even if it is very obvious what needs to be talked about.

Every week feels like the first week all over again, instead of accumulating knowledge about me and reflecting back.

There is never any silence; I like to have silence occasionally.

I trusted you to read my blog and you searched for “sex” and “job” and then lied about it.

I gave you a really long account of 2009 and you said there was enough material in there to last for a few weeks of therapy and you never brought it up again.

You try to make everything logical and rational and then I feel guilty and I feel like a failure that it’s not sinking in.

You don’t pick up on what I need or what I feel. You never ask me what I need. I don’t even know what I need, but maybe if you ask me I’ll try to figure it out.

You once said in an email, “I think that one needs to work through or resolve issues in order to avoid repeating them.” All I feel like I’m doing is repeating the same things over and over and over.

Your office is so damn beige.

Feb 19 2010

Driving Into a Tree

Yesterday morning I woke up thinking about driving my car into a tree. I’m not sure if I was thinking about it while I was asleep, or if it came to me as I woke up. I’ve thought about this before. So I went to the computer and googled crash tests. I watched the crash test videos over and over, watching the dummy flail around as the car crashes, watching the airbag deploy, some of them even have a child sized dummy in a car seat in the back. It seems the whole front third of the car crumbles upon impact, as cars are designed to do that in order to absorb the shock. These cars are driven into other cars, or into concrete barriers. I was going to drive into a tree. I also did some research and found that the crash tests are done at 35mph, which seems slow to me. That could be incorrect information though.

So I did spend a lot of the day driving around, and while driving I was looking for suitable trees, feeling what 35mph feels like. It would have to be a tree next to road with no curb. Another problem we have here right now is the three foot pile of snow lining every road. I started feeling panicky about driving, and I drive so much in my normal day that it would be totally dysfunctional to develop a driving phobia right now.

Then I was thinking about why I want to drive into a tree. Other than getting this weight off of me. It’s not to die. What I think I would like is to have some kind of minor injury that would require me to stay in bed, or at least resting, for a week. I’m such a lazy ass that I’m actually thinking of getting into a car accident so that I can be lazy for a week.

But then I think about how angry my husband would be if I wreck my car, and how it would inconvenience everyone, and it would cost us money, etc …..

But the urge is really really strong. I just want to drive into a tree. I don’t know what is wrong with me.

Then last night I dreamed that I was in the hospital and I had to stay for a week. They wouldn’t let me out because they didn’t know what was wrong with me. I had to get a lot of injections. One doctor came up to me and said, “I would rather treat a dead animal than treat you.” Then she stormed off. But there was another doctor and she was really nice to me. All of the doctors in my dream were women. Since I wasn’t feeling sick they let me walk all over the hospital doing whatever I wanted, but they just wouldn’t let me leave. I wonder what that all means.

Nov 12 2009

My Mother-in-Law

Well, it got me out of my funk. Although I think I’d rather be in the funk than feeling the anger that I feel right now. This is going to be a mother-in-law story, so if you don’t like that topic you can leave and I won’t be offended.

I can’t stand my mother-in-law. She is critical, negative, and can’t keep her mouth shut. My husband deals with this by never having any contact with her, except at family gatherings. We live 10 minutes from her and don’t see her very often. I never call her, I admit it. And when she calls the house I don’t answer. My husband never calls her, but he will answer the phone occasionally if she is calling.

Today she called on my cell phone and I answered. It was a Thanksgiving conversation, which is a whole other controversy that I won’t get into here. But after that I told her that my daughter got an acceptance from one of the colleges that she applied to. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Did K (my husband) tell you that M (my daughter) got into Tulane?
MIL: No. Does she want to go there?
Me: Well, it’s one of her top choices.
MIL: Isn’t it very expensive? I heard it’s one of the most expensive colleges.
Me: It’s $50,000 but she got a scholarship!
MIL: How much?
Me: $20,000!
MIL: For each year?
Me: Yes.
MIL: Ohhhhh.

The end.

No, “Congratulations!” or “That’s great!” or “Tell M I’m proud of her!”

Just, “ohhhh.” With a tone of voice that indicates that she does not have a good feeling about this.

During the Thanksgiving part of our conversation she said that if we were in contact more often I would know what the Thanksgiving plans are. This is precisely why I am not in contact with her more often. There have been so many times in my life and my family’s life that should have been happy and exciting, and she acts like this. I don’t need it, and it bothers me, and I’m old enough to decide who I talk to and when. So F*** her!

Oct 29 2009

Feeling Sad and Angry and Scared

I woke up today and couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t take any klonopin last night, and I had a bad night. I get this thing that feels like I need to jump out of my skin. I don’t know what it is, and it doesn’t happen all the time, but it happened last night. Maybe because I took two klonopin the night before, and I had a really great sleep, and I took two more yesterday morning. I can’t believe I would have withdrawal after just 2mg of klonopin though.

I’m feeling anger, because it took me so long to get off the damn klonopin. I have three bottles of it in my drawer and I never touch it. Until Tuesday night. And it makes me so damn angry that I sleep so well when I take it, but I can’t sleep when I don’t take it. Is it too much to ask for a good night’s sleep.

I also started the wellbutrin yesterday. I never had a chance to talk to J about it, there just isn’t time. 45 minutes once a week goes by quickly. But I guess I really need it and I’m going to give it 6 months and see how it goes. I see my pdoc next week. Yesterday at about 2PM I was so tired, I guess from the klonopin. I was at work, alone, and I fell asleep on the couch for about 45 minutes. The klonopin also seems to affect my cognitive skills. I had a really hard time remembering what I did for lunch and what I ate. I had to search my brain to remember. God knows what else I did that I forgot. I only took 1mg in the morning, not a huge dose or anything, and no liquor with it.

I also cut a little. But I don’t want to talk about that. Except to say it didn’t even hurt, so it was waste.

I woke up today feeling sad and also angry. I’m angry that I go to therapy every week, and I try, I really do. I think I do. Maybe not enough. But I feel like it’s all I can do to talk about my feelings, it takes everything out of me, and then I’m told that my feelings aren’t logical. So J explains the logic of whatever the situation is, and I get that. I really really GET the FUCKING logic!!!!! I would tell anyone else the same thing.

But I CAN’T FEEL it. It is so frustrating. How do I FEEL it? I’ve read books, I’ve asked people, I’ve told J I can’t feel it. But no one has been able to tell me how to feel the logic.

I had a time frame for therapy. If I didn’t get better by a certain day I would use my backup plan. But due to a change of circumstances I can’t use my backup plan. Now I feel like I have no therapy and no backup plan. All I want to do now is be numb and sleeping.

Oct 14 2009

Therapy Recap 10/13/09

Wow, it’s been a few days since I’ve written. I’ve been blah, what can I say? Yesterday was therapy day, same as every Tuesday for the last year. Year? Yes, year. I’m really concerned that J, my therapist, is losing patience with me. Granted it took me at least 6 to 9 months to start actually talking to him, so I guess he realizes I’m not going to be a quick fix. But still, it seems like we talk about the same thing every week.

He started with the usual question, “What are we talking about today?” And as usual, I was quiet. I did have things I wanted to talk about, namely cupcakes and wellbutrin, but I was unable to get started so there was some silence. Either J doesn’t like silence or he assumed I had nothing to talk about. Why would someone go to therapy if they had nothing to talk about? Hmmm… So he said, “I’m curious to know, where are you on your flow-chart of guilt and shame?” I’m so sick of this flowchart! I’m sorry I gave it to him now, because that is all he is focused on. I told him I wouldn’t be cutting anymore. He asked me why. I said I didn’t want to disappoint him or make him feel like a failure. I said I was sorry I ever told him about the cutting because now I can’t do it anymore. He pointed out that I have cut since I told him about it, and I responded by saying that I don’t think I can do it anymore. His feeling about me is a deterrent to cutting. Darn.

J asked me what I am currently feeling guilty about, and I said that I feel guilty about the dread I feel in having to talk to and visit with my mother more often now that her husband has died. He asked why I dread spending time with her and I told him it’s because she is critical. Then we had a looooooonnnnnggggg discussion about why I shouldn’t feel guilty about that. And that guilt is comprised of expectations and anger. If one doesn’t meet expectations one can feel guilty. However these expectations might not be based on reality. For example I feel that I must talk to my mother every day now that she is alone, whereas before I would talk to her about once a week. And if I don’t talk to her every day I feel guilty. Who’s expecting me to talk to her every day? Is that an expectation I have created in my mind? Or did I get it from my mother, or my sister, or society? J said what if it’s ok to talk to her two times a week? I asked him if he would call his mother two times a week if his father died, and he said yes. I said, “You would not.” He admitted he wouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to call her twice a week. There can be extenuating circumstances, for example one’s mother could live far away and it would be expensive to call. I said, “We’re just talking about my circumstance, not what if’s.”

This went on and on with examples about recycling, and toys left lying around by a two year old, and cars getting scratched. Ugh. Then he explained about the anger part of guilt, but I got totally lost. He says I’m angry about something. I don’t know. I guess I’m angry that my mother’s husband died because now I have to fill in the space in her life. But I’m not angry at him for dying. I don’t what I’m angry at.

I didn’t talk to J about this, but I am angry about the fact that my plans have to change due to my mother’s husband death. I had my emergency exit all worked out. But I can’t do this to my mother. I can’t imagine her telling her friends, it would make her look bad. Anyway, not to digress.

We ran over by 5 minutes. I said, “It’s time to go.” He said, “I know.” But he kept talking. He was really trying to make his point about feelings and how we can’t control our feelings and they aren’t good or bad, and we have to differentiate feelings about a situation from feelings against a person. I don’t even know what he was saying by the end of the session. I would say that he talked at least 75% of the time.

I think, in a nutshell, he was telling me that I shouldn’t feel guilty about not wanting to spend time with my mother. Yet, on the other hand he said we can’t control our feelings and they aren’t good or bad. So that seems hypocritical. I am going to take this seriously however. My mother is critical and judgmental and difficult to be with. Just because she is my mother doesn’t mean I should be overjoyed by having to talk to her and see her all the time. It’s ok to have some dread about it. I’m ok with that.

After I left therapy I went to spend the afternoon with my mom, she wanted me to read some papers from her lawyer and spend some time with her, which I was happy to do. However, it was a mistake to do this right after therapy. After therapy I just want to crawl in a hole and die for a few days, and being with my mother was not a good after therapy activity. I patiently put up with all of her criticisms and judgments (not about me for a change). At one point she was judging my cousins, two girls in their 20’s who aren’t exactly the most mature proactive people quite yet, and I said to her, “Your expectations are too high. They are not going to do what you want.” She didn’t want to hear that, but I felt good saying it. I think I might do that more often.

One thing that did freak me out during my session was when J told me I was angry “with that social worker who was your son’s therapist.” I never told J that my son’s therapist was a social worker. All I told him was his first name and the kind of therapy he did. I asked J a few months ago if he thought he knew this person, and J said he didn’t think so, but since he didn’t know his last name and I wouldn’t tell him he couldn’t be sure. I have to ask J about that next week. My biggest fear has been that J and my son’s old therapist are friends, or acquaintances, and I would just die if they are.

I never got to talk about the things that are on my mind. Not that what we discussed isn’t important. I’m not sure how this is supposed to work, do we talk about what’s on my mind or do we talk about what J thinks is important? For the past few months it seems he’s directed the therapy. About an hour after I left this was on my mind, so I sent him an email saying that when he asks me what we are going to talk about and I don’t answer, it doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say. It just means it’s hard to get started. He replied within a couple of minutes saying, “OK, thanks.”

I guess cupcakes and wellbutrin are trivial, and I realize that we need to talk about big things in order to have progress. But all of this talk about big issues is making me feel worse and worse, do I have to do it every week? After every session I think I need to quit, I cry all day, I feel like shit for at least 3 or 4 days. Is that the way therapy is supposed to be?