Tag Archives: anxiety

Sep 7 2011

Reiki Recap 9/6/11

One thing I forgot to write about in my recap yesterday. At one point in the session J asked me “How was your race?” I had totally forgotten that I had even told him I was running in a race last Saturday, and I was surprised that he remembered. It wasn’t something we talked about in depth at all, from what I remember anyway. Whenever he does something like that I feel badly for ever saying anything negative about him. Darn him.

After my therapy session I went for Reiki. I didn’t really know what to expect. The studio also has yoga therapy, acupuncture, hypnosis, massage, counseling, and other services. The Reiki practitioner is a young, pretty woman with a soft voice. She told me that she is a graduate student in psychology and is incorporating mindfulness techniques and visual imagery into her practice.

I laid on the table and she had soft music playing out of her laptop. I closed my eyes. She told me to concentrate on my breathing, and if my mind wandered to stressful things I should think about a relaxing place. I pictured myself on the beach in St. Thomas, feeling the sun, listening to the little waves and the birds, smelling the French fries from the restaurant on the beach behind me, and sipping a cocktail.

I know that some Reiki practitioners use touch and some don’t, this one did. She put her hands lightly on my head and stayed that way for what seemed like five minutes, then moved her hands to a different place on my head, then my shoulders, etc. Each time she held her hands on me without moving – shoulders, arms, legs, ribcage. I sensed that in between each placement of her hands that she was moving her hands above my body. I started to feel a sensation in my head, a good sensation but hard to describe. A little later I felt it in my arms. At one point the shapes and colors behind my closed eyes started to change and continued to morph and change for a few minutes, then stopped.

The session was 30 minutes, and I felt very relaxed at the end, but also uplifted. She told me that she has a special program for pre-surgery, which I don’t have time to do, but she also does energy work for healing after surgery which involves Reiki and visualization. I do plan to go back when I feel better after my surgery.

I could see how the practitioner would have to be a good fit for the client during Reiki. I know it sounds new-agey, but there is definitely energy moving back and forth between the two people.

Did I mention that the hospital I am going to encourages the use of ipods before, during and after surgery? I have some relaxation exercises on my ipod that were recorded by my flying therapist’s partner, who has a wonderfully relaxing voice. I also bought some mp3’s – beach sounds, rainstorm sounds, gentle rain sounds, bird sounds, a breathing meditation, a guided imagery meditation, and a body relaxation exercise. Of course, I also have a lot of music, and audio books. Between all of that I think I may be able to shut out all of the anxiety before the surgery, although from what I understand, a lot of hospital staff – nurses, doctors, anesthesiologist, etc – will be coming to talk to me. I can listen to my ipod in between conversations. The Reiki practitioner told me to start listening to the relaxation exercises twice a day, that even if I do that for a couple of days it will make a difference. I’m not sure if that is true, but it can’t hurt.

Sep 6 2011

Therapy Recap 9/6/11

J started out by asking me how I am doing. How I am “really” doing, and I said fine. As I always say. I said, “Everyone is saying this surgery is no big deal, so I guess it isn’t. So I’m fine.”

We talked about what I am picturing and thinking about in regards to the surgery, and I said I can only imagine based on what I see on tv and based on other family members experiences in the hospital. J asked if I was imagining good looking doctors. That would be nice of course.

I told him what my psychiatrist said last week, and he said that he sees things differently. He thinks I have handled everything about this medical situation very well, I have been logical and not out of control, and yes, he does think I could be more assertive with certain people, but overall he doesn’t think I am demonstrating “bad” behavior patterns (pdoc didn’t use the word “bad”). I told him that she asked me why I don’t want people coming to see me in the hospital, as though there is something wrong with that, although that could just be my interpretation of her comment. J said that there is absolutely nothing wrong or weird about not wanting people to come to the hospital, after surgery a person doesn’t feel well, they are in a hospital gown with tubes everywhere, messed up hair, no makeup (he said this), and it is perfectly alright to want to be alone, or with just a close family member. He brought up that I had said it would be different if I was going to be there for five days, then I might not mind people coming to see me.

I told him about my husband thinking this weekend is the opportunity to have a party, and why my husband might be thinking like this. That maybe he doesn’t know what to do, so he is stepping up to the plate by ordering food. (Oh, and after we had the conversation about getting food for Saturday night my husband said he might invite a bunch of people over on Sunday to watch the game here.)

J says it would be good for me to be more assertive with my husband, to tell him exactly what I want, and if necessary to play the cancer card. I may have to say, “I am having a malignant tumor removed and I can do what I want – when you have a malignant tumor removed you can do what you want.” I told J it is hard for me, and he said maybe because I am good at putting my thoughts into writing I should send my husband an email. That would open the door to a discussion. He said some great words that I could say to my husband and I said, “Maybe you could just talk to him for me, since you know what to say and it sounds really good when you say it.” He said he couldn’t do that. Darn.

And he said if I make my wants and needs known, and my husband still doesn’t pay attention to what I want, I can always do a passive-aggressive move, like when his whole family is over here because he didn’t tell them not to come I can be sitting with them and say, “I’m going to throw up” and then proceed to do it. He was joking. I think.

I brought up how my husband and mother don’t like to see or hear about negative emotions, and J said that is their problem, not mine. I said I believe it is also mine. He said I can show whatever emotion I want to and not worry if they can’t handle it, but I told him that if they blow me off my feelings will be hurt. He asked me which is better – to stuff all of my feelings inside, or to let them out and then have to deal with an extra one when I get my feelings hurt. I said “Stuff them all inside.” That wasn’t the right answer apparently. I told him that I plan to be positive and happy with my husband and mother, and when the hospital staff wheels me away I can cry or shake, or whatever I want because the hospital staff is used to that. He compared it to a parent being stoic when their child is taken to the hospital, and then crying after the child is taken away. But I’m not their parent.

I asked if I could tell him a story. I told him about my sister’s son who had surgery on his skull when he was 11 months old. It was a very involved, long surgery, and my sister, her husband and I were in the hospital waiting room while he had the surgery. After a few hours the doctor came in and told us that everything went very well, that they are just finishing up and that we could see him soon. My brother-in-law started crying. Later that day my mother called to see how things had gone and I told her about BIL crying, and she said, “Oh, that’s because he’s not like us.”

J said, “You mean he’s human?”

He asked me who said it’s not right to show emotion, and I told him that my mother said that. And I know it’s not true, but after living that way for 40 or 50 years, it’s kind of hard to change.

J thought that maybe I could intellectualize my feelings and my husband and mother might be more receptive. Rather than crying and shaking I could say, “I’m feeling very anxious, my stomach is very jittery.” And you know, I might just try something like that – not because I think it is a good idea, but to see what kind of response I get. So I can go back to J and say, “I told you so.”

He asked how I was sleeping and I said pretty well, but having weird dreams. He perked up at that and asked me about the dreams, but I couldn’t remember any of them very well. I told him that they aren’t scary, just bizarre. But that frequently happens to me when I take wellbutrin. I did say that I have been very tired in the afternoons and fall asleep sometimes, and I didn’t know why. Maybe because I changed my diet. He thought maybe it is due to anxiety, even though I am not overtly anxious, it is an underlying anxiety. He said that there is a lot of uncertainty, and all I can base my imagination on is…..and at the same exact time I said “Grey’s Anatomy” and he said, “Quincy”. I said “Quincy?!?!?! He’s the guy who worked on dead people. I hope I don’t end up in the medical examiner’s office.” He apologized, and said that was the first thing that came to him. And they say nothing is an accident, right?

I told J that I made an appointment for a Reiki session today, and he thought that was great. We talked about that for a while. I’ll have to write about my Reiki another time.

So then it got to the end of the session and we were talking about when I would come back. Once again I told him that I don’t expect him to hold my space for me, and he said, again, “OK, but I will.” He said if I was someone who he only saw six times he might fill the spot with other “customers” (that is what he calls his clients). I told him I didn’t know how many sessions I would miss, but definitely next week and probably the week after. Then I should be fine. He said he thought we should have some communication, and he asked if I would mind if he emailed me next week at my time because he would be thinking about me on Tuesday at 11am. Or if I want, I could email him before that. He asked me a couple of times if I would mind if he emailed me and I said it would be fine. So we left it at that, and he said good luck and that was it.

It’s good that nothing too emotional came up since I won’t be back for two or three weeks. I want to talk to him about when I should end therapy, it’s been three years as of this week, and I feel like maybe this is as far as I can go. And when I come back we won’t have the medical stuff to talk about anymore, so will we have anything to talk about? Thinking about ending is scary and sad, I guess I’m getting kind of attached to it. It’s not terrible when I have to miss a week, and I am really anxious the morning of my session, and while I am there. But I guess it is nice having someone to talk to.

Aug 18 2011

Good News

I got some good news today. Last week I talked about my visit with the nephrologist and that she thought I might have kidney disease. I had a specific test for kidney function this week, and the results came out normal, so no kidney disease! Of course, I still have kidney cancer, but not having kidney disease as well takes away a huge amount of anxiety that I had.

And I had my MRI today, which the insurance company finally decided to pay for. I meet with the surgeon on Tuesday to go over the results.

It’s a relief when things work out!

Oh, and J sent me a response to my response to his response to my email (get that?). I had told him that I could add him to the list of important people that my husband should call if I die and he said,

“I’m sorry this has been a distraction. If you feel comfortable with it, then yes I would appreciate being on your call list – but, remember, you are going to be fine.”

I have no idea what he is talking about in regards to a distraction, but I’ll wait and ask him the next time I see him.

Today I had coffee with my good friend, and we talked a lot about my medical stuff – she is very understanding and empathetic. She lives down the street from me, and she will do anything for me (as I would for her if the situation was reversed). It’s nice to have friends.

Aug 16 2011

Therapy Recap 8/16/11

I had a horrible night’s sleep last night, and a rushing around kind of morning, and I had no idea what I wanted to talk about in therapy today. Maybe my conversation with my mother, or the email my sister sent me (we currently do not have any communication) that said my mother told her that I am having a “procedure” and that she hopes it goes well.

But J asked me if there is anything new with the medical stuff. When you have cancer that is what you are expected to talk about, and really, there isn’t anything else. I wish there was.

I gave him the update on meeting with the kidney doctor and still not being able to have my MRI since the insurance company STILL has not approved it (rescheduled now for Thursday). We talked about how I get frustrated sometimes (insurance issues) and confused other times (trying to decide best course of treatment), and that I still don’t have all of the information, so it is hard to make a decision right now.

We also talked about my fear of illness, and how I am not afraid of dying (he had asked me if I am scared). I talked about what exactly I am afraid of when it comes to being sick and he asked me if, now that I have talked about it, I feel better. I said that, no, I don’t feel any better. He asked if I feel worse, and I said that no, I don’t feel any worse.

I told him about my conversation with my mother, and my sister’s email. And how people say if I have a positive attitude I will be cured, which makes me feel like I can’t ever say anything negative. I am positive about this medical situation maybe 90% of the time, but sometimes I get anxious, or frustrated, or confused and I don’t feel I can talk to anyone. My husband tells me “Don’t be frustrated, don’t get upset.” Not helpful.

J told me that I should find a friend who gets it and talk to her, and I actually do have one friend (in real life) who I talk to and I don’t have to be totally positive all the time with her.

J asked me how I get over my anxiety when it hits, and I can honestly say I don’t know. Last week I had a couple of drinks, but I don’t think getting anxious and having it go away are a conscious process.

We talked about whether I want attention from people, or I don’t. I said that I’m conflicted, on the one hand I am minimizing the surgery and recovery, and on the other hand I am offended when people don’t take it seriously.

I asked J how he would know if I had died, if I die. He said that if he didn’t hear from me or if I didn’t show up for a couple of weeks he would look online. I asked him if my obituary would be online and he said there is a website, legacy.com, that has the whole country’s obituaries. He said he would check after a couple of weeks because he would rather know sooner than later (I guess so he could fill my spot). He didn’t say he would call or email me to check, he would just look online if I didn’t show up for a while. Hmmm. That didn’t make me feel good at all.

And next week I am missing my appointment because I am meeting with the surgeon. But J didn’t suggest rescheduling, he only offers to reschedule if he needs to cancel. Whatever, I don’t feel particularly better after my session today anyway. I don’t understand the purpose of talking about all of this stuff. Like I told him, it doesn’t make me feel any better, and it doesn’t make me feel any worse. Maybe it’s just a waste of money.

Aug 10 2011

Got That Over With!

Last night I had a dream about telling my mother about my surgery. Not a good night’s sleep at all!

This morning I tried calling her at home again, but she wasn’t there. I figured she was somewhere with her boyfriend, they have been traveling around all summer, so I called her on her cell phone and she answered. I asked her where she was and she said she was in the hospital.

I got frightened – I said why are you in the hospital? It turns out she wasn’t IN the hospital, she was AT the hospital. With her boyfriend, who had gone in for a procedure. It turns out that he has bladder cancer, but it has been in remission. He goes to get checked every three months and today during his routine check the doctors found malignant tumors in his bladder. She was upset and waiting to see him after he got out of the recovery room. She said he had chemo once before and it was awful and he is going to be very upset about this. She just went on and on about it.

Then she said she had to go pick up and watch my sister’s daughter this afternoon, blah blah blah. Then she talked about someone who is supposed to come to her condo tomorrow to paint the bathroom, and maybe she should cancel him because her boyfriend has to stay in the hospital overnight and she might need to take him home because she has his car, blah blah blah.

Then she started talking about her trip to the beach last week, and how she went to a new beach, the one I normally go to, and how she liked it so much better than the usual beach she goes to and how they wrote down the names of a bunch of hotels, blah blah blah.

This went on for about 15 minutes or so, and I didn’t say much, since she didn’t pause much. She just talked and talked. Then she said, “So what is new with you?”

I wasn’t sure this was a great time to tell her, but I figured there wouldn’t be any time great to tell her, so I just told her. She asked me a couple of questions, then said, “Oh my god I have a stomach ache from all of this.” She asked me about my surgeon, and who was he, and did I check him out and research him, and where did he do his residency? I told her that we met him, and he has a lot of experience, and I don’t know where he did his residency. She asked me where I am having the surgery, and I told her “XYZ Hospital” (my local hospital, not a large university or cancer center hospital). Her response? “Oh,” (you’ll have to imagine the tone of voice), “why are you having it there?” I told her that is where the surgeon works. She said that maybe I should go to ABC Hospital – the huge hospital one hour away from where I live – and also the place where her second husband died. I told her that if I hadn’t liked the surgeon I would have gone for a second opinion, but we like him. She asked me to email her his name, and his website, which I did later in the day. She asked for the date of the surgery and said, “Well I am going to be there, no question about that.”

She mentioned a couple of people she knows who had kidney cancer and had surgery and are now doing fine.

Then she got back to talking about her boyfriend. How he is going to be so upset that he needs chemo, and how she was doing research on the internet looking for alternate ways of treating this, blah blah blah. And how he better call his children so that they can come, blah blah blah.

Then she said she had to go, and she would call me tonight. I said ok, and good bye. And that was that. I’m glad I told her, and if she starts bothering me with advice I just won’t answer the phone when she calls. So far it’s tonight and she hasn’t called. And by the way, my surgeon did his residency at Boston University. I wonder if she’ll think that is acceptable. I hope her stomach feels better.

Jul 16 2011

Therapy Recap 7/12/11 and Medical Update

Sorry for the lack of updates, I left Wednesday morning for the beach and Tuesday was a crazy day.

First the therapy recap.  It was J’s first day back from vacation and I asked if I was the first client, but he said I wasn’t, that he was warmed up.  He did seem particularly on his game.  I gave him my list of stressors, and we went through them.  First we started with my cousin and we talked about items a-f and how I felt about everything and how I felt about myself.  It turns out that I don’t really feel terrible about the cousin situation and how helpful I am being, I actually can see that I am doing a good thing.  And the guilt about leaving her dissipated after a couple of days, but not before I had to get the approval of other people.  J thinks it is a step in the right direction though.

Then we talked about the medical stuff and kidney disease.  J asked me a very weird question, “Would you be disappointed if you found out that you did not have kidney disease?”  I don’t know where he got that question from, but answering honestly I had to say yes.  I would be disappointed because it would be nice to know what I will die from (assuming I don’t die from something else along the way) and kidney failure isn’t a terrible way to die.  I told him that I would NOT want a diagnosis of cancer at all, but kidney disease wouldn’t be so bad.  I wonder what he thought about that.

Those two things took up the whole time, but as we were getting up he did mention item #3, and what I had decided about bringing food to the beach.  I told him that I did decide to bring food, but not a huge amount.  He asked what the chances are that I would have a nervous breakdown at the beach and I said the chances are slim.  I said that I don’t even know what a nervous breakdown is.

There was more, but since I didn’t write it out immediately afterwards I can’t remember too much.  The reason I didn’t write it out immediately afterwards was because the rest of my day became crazy.  After I left J’s office I got a call from my doctor’s office saying I needed to make an appointment to come in and talk to the doctor about the results of the kidney ultrasound that I had last week.  Uh-oh, that is always bad.  I knew that something was going on with my left kidney because the technician spent a lot of time on that one and took a lot of pictures.  And when I got up and looked at the monitor I saw all of the pictures, and they all had a red blob on them.  But I was leaving the next day for the beach so I would have to wait until Monday to find out what the results are.  I asked the nurse to please explain to the doctor that it would be ok to give me the results over the phone because I don’t want to be anxious until Monday.

I immediately emailed J and told him it must be bad news, and I just needed to tell someone.  He said that he thought I had a great attitude about the medical issues, and if I had something wrong with me it has already happened, and once I find out what it is I will just take the next step.  But he said I could call or email him anytime, which was nice.

At 2:00 I had an appointment with the endocrinologist because some of the hormonal blood work had come out abnormal also.  He was a very nice guy, and we were chatting about my medical history and he said “Do you have anything to add?”  I said, “Yes, I think I have cancer.”  I told him about the ultrasound and my doctor wanting me to come in.  I asked him if he tells patients on the phone that they have cancer, and he said no.

Then the fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate the building.  He said he would call the radiology center to see if he could get the report.

I sat outside for a while, while the firemen checked out the building to make sure there was no fire.  When I got back in the doctor said he called the radiology center, and they told him that they hadn’t even read the ultrasound yet.  Weird?  He checked me over and gave me orders for a few more tests and sent me on my way.

I was confused about the report, so I called my doctor’s office back to check and make sure they were calling the right person and they assured me that they had the ultrasound report in my chart.  I asked, begged, again for them to ask the doctor to call me.

I texted my boss and said that I might have some bad news for him.  I did a few errands, then got to his house at about 5PM.  I told him that I think I have cancer.  He listened to the whole story, and said he doesn’t think I have cancer.  He thinks that I am very attuned to my body and I would know if something is wrong.  I know he was just trying to make me feel better, because plenty of people get cancer and don’t know there is anything wrong.

At 8:00PM, the doctor called me.  I was so glad!  She said I have a lesion on my left kidney and I need to have a CT scan.  From that they will determine what it is and if I need a biopsy.  She said it could be an angiomyolipoma, which is a fatty benign lesion, or it could be something else (she didn’t name the something else).  A lesion didn’t sound too bad to me.  I was kind of annoyed that she made such a big deal of not telling me on the phone that I just had a lesion.

But today, when I got home from the beach, I found the referral in the mail from my doctor for the CT scan, which says “Indication:  L renal mass seen on ultrasound – please evaluate.”  Mass?  She didn’t tell me I have a mass.  Now I started freaking out a little.  Is a lesion a mass?  To me a lesion is like a mole, or a scrape on the knee.  A mass, to me, equals a big growth, which could be cancer.  I’m anxious now.  I know to hope for the best, but expect the worst.  I will call Monday morning to make the appointment for the CT scan, and then make an appointment to see the doctor a few days later when she gets the report.

While I was at the beach I wasn’t anxious about the kidney thing at all.  I even would forget about it, and occasionally a thought would pop in my head “I have a lesion on my kidney.”  But now that I know it’s a mass, I have that bad feeling in my stomach.  I should have asked her how big the “lesion” is.  I don’t even know how big a kidney is.

My boss is the only person I have told about this, except for a couple of blog friends.  I don’t really want anyone to make a big deal of it until I know what it is.  And maybe not even then.

May 4 2011

Therapy Recap 5/3/11

I had a good session yesterday, yay! Remember that “letter to my T” that I wrote here on the blog last week? I modified it, took out the ridiculous parts, and added in the stuff from “My Lightbulb Moment”. I gave it to J, with the caveat that he had to promise not to get angry or defensive or think I am a mean person, because the letter is kind of mean. He promised. I asked him if he was him today, or his twin brother J, and he said it was regular him.

He read it and said it was an excellent letter and really conveyed my feelings. He said it wasn’t mean, he kept waiting for the mean part, but there wasn’t any. He apologized for using the word “introverted” when he said that a positive change in me is that I am less introverted. He meant to use a different word, which I can’t remember, but which means that one keeps all of their thoughts and feelings inside and doesn’t communicate them. That made more sense.

He also apologized for the comment about growing is ok for a 6 year old, but not an older person. He said he was being a wise ass and it was wrong. I said it was stupid, and he said yes it was.

We talked a lot about how I get these distorted thoughts in my head, that when I tell him that I am running and biking he thinks “How can an old fat woman do that?” We discussed why I must compare myself to people, why I think I feel good about something until someone else does it better and then I suck. I told him that I get my validation from outside sources rather than from internally, and that needs to change. He asked me if I frequently have a goal or a plan when I go out running, like to go a certain distance or a certain pace. I said that I do that 100% of the time, and once my watch battery died and I had a horrible run because I didn’t know how far or how long I had run. I told him that I don’t want to be like that because it isn’t like I am training for a marathon, I should enjoy my exercise.

J assured me that his plan is not to make me think like he thinks. And we got into a discussion about how I am grateful about things, and I do try to stop to smell the roses. As a matter of fact on my bike ride yesterday morning I stopped to take pictures of a great blue heron. But I said, “Seeing a bird isn’t going to make my marriage better. I could see one hundred birds and it won’t make my marriage better. I could see the movie “The Birds” and it wouldn’t make my marriage better.” Then we got into a discussion about perception vs behavior. Both things are changeable, and the difference between them.

We didn’t talk about how I think the therapy part of therapy is my reaction to what he is saying, but I still think that is true.

Then we moved on to how I feel about the future, and we had a serious discussion about something that I can’t write about here (nothing to do with sex, don’t get excited.) I got a little peeved during this discussion, but we worked it out in the moment and I was able to explain my feelings and I think he got it. I asked him if he thought I had OCD, and he said it is somewhat irrelevant, but if I want he can slap that diagnosis on me. He talked about the difference between OCD and OCD personality disorder, and said that normally personality disorders are more serious, but in this case OCD is more serious than OCD PD. I have to read up on that. He said it is all related, my anxiety, my obsessive thoughts, my compulsions, etc.

At the end of the session I told him about the health coach that I hired. For some reason out of all the things we talked about today this is when I got most emotional. When I told him that I had told the coach that I would like to eat a piece of pizza every once in a while I almost started to cry. (Yes, crying about pizza, how ridiculous.) I told him that she is going to help me be able to go out to eat with my friends, so that I can start to have better relationships with them again. J said he thinks this is good. That he knows I eat a healthy diet, I exercise (I said, well I’ve only been doing this since the beginning of April, and he said, “There you go again, putting yourself down”), I eat organic, so in general there is no need for me to write down every morsel and every calorie. He compared it to a wealthy person who sits home all day checking every penny in their bank accounts.

He asked me how it would work with the coach and I said that she normally gives two goals or challenges at every session. I told her that I don’t like goals, because it is too easy to fail, and J said he thinks I do like goals, as evidenced by the fact that I have one every time I go out for a run or bike ride. He said he bets she won’t be giving me goals like that, he seemed to have an idea of what type of thing she is going to do for me. I told him that she promised she wouldn’t stop me from weighing myself or writing down my food. I told him I would fill him in on it next week.

So it was good, connected, we covered a lot and cleared some things up. Whew.

Apr 22 2011

I’m So Mad At Myself

I thought I was really over my fear of flying. I don’t normally have the pre-anxiety that I used to have, but I do get a little nervous when we take off, and I do take either a Xanax or a klonopin, but lots of people do that, right?

But I guess I’m not really recovered from the phobia. My therapist told me a story about a plane getting a big hole in it and how the law of physics prevents people from being sucked out of the hole. Then I had to go home and read everything about this event on the internet and get freaked out.

Luckily it didn’t ruin my vacation. I did think about it quite a bit while I was there, but I was able to enjoy myself. It just pisses me off that one little thing like that can set me back.

Apr 13 2011

Flight Anxiety

I did a stupid thing last night. But it’s not my fault. Yesterday in my session I jokingly said that I was going to Florida on Southwest Airlines, the airline that gets holes in it planes. Actually I had only heard about the plane with the hole, but I didn’t read any news articles or look on the internet about it, because as a fearful flyer I have been taught that doing those things is not good for me. But J talked about it quite a bit, telling me why people didn’t get sucked out of the hole. I said “The hole wasn’t that big!” And he said that yes it was. So last night I looked up the story on the internet, and saw photos that passengers took of the hole, and learned that the plane made an emergency landing.

When I woke up today I was very anxious about taking this flight tomorrow. I emailed J and asked him to call me, and we talked about it for awhile. He said he just assumed I would know the whole (no pun intended) story, since I am a person who is always on top of things, and he didn’t realize at the time that what he told me would make me anxious. He did apologize quite a few times, and at one point mentioned “therapists who talk too much”. He reassured me with facts and logic. I asked if I should fly another airline and he said if it would make me feel better I could do that, but is 100% sure nothing will happen on the Southwest flight, or any other flight I am on. He said I could curse him out the whole time I am on the plane if I wish.

I told him that I do not want to be anxious about my return flight the entire time I am in Florida, which is how I used to be before I became a less fearful flyer. I have been looking forward to this trip since September, and I want to go.

He told me that I am welcome to call him tomorrow morning if I am anxious. Sometimes he should really keep his mouth shut.

Apr 12 2011

Therapy Recap 4/12/11

Last night I sent J my blog post from Saturday, about opening up to my good friend. I told him I didn’t feel like telling the whole story, it was easier to just let him read it, and we could talk about it or not. I told him that I thought he would like what I did.

So today we did talk about it a little, he brought it up immediately. I told him that my cousin somewhat inspired me to do this, because I see how she is open with people in her life and she can call them when she needs help. I’m not sure I’ll ever get to that point, but telling someone was a start. I also talked about my other friend who I emailed back in December telling her a little about my circumstances and she told me to read Eckhart Tolle. Then when she came to visit in January she didn’t mention anything about it for the first hour and a half. Finally she said, “So are you over your crisis, or whatever that was?”

I told J that she is a good friend, but obviously not so good in this particular situation. He told me that I must have seemed perfectly normal when we got together, so maybe she was hesitant to bring it up. He said people often times don’t know what to say, and he gave the example of a friend of his who has a very sick wife, and when J sees him he doesn’t know what to say. So we talked about that for a while.

Then I talked about the stress and anxiety about my cousin, how anxious and sick feeling I was when I went to her house for the first time since the incident, and then we went out to dinner at the same shopping center where the Chipotle was. I also told him I have bad thoughts that just pop into my head about the ER, and also bad dreams. He asked me about the dreams, and I said I have been having a lot of beach dreams, which I have had all of my life, and also dreams about hospitals where I am the patient. He asked me about my beach dreams, and I told him that I am usually facing the ocean and there is a brick wall or a building behind me. The tide keeps coming in and in, and I am trapped. And sometimes I have dreams about my son drowning (I think this is due to an incident I had at the beach with him when he was a baby. But nothing bad happened.)

J told me that perhaps I am having these dreams more right now because I felt trapped when I went to the shopping center to get Chipotle for my cousin, and the dream is about being trapped. He said it is not uncommon for people to have dreams with a recurring theme for a long period of time, even decades, even their whole lives. He asked me about the beach, and I said I like the beach, despite the dreams.

J said it is normal that I would have these anxiety reactions, that the brain makes associations very quickly, but unassociates things very slowly. I said that sucks. He told me the more I go to my cousin’s house, the less anxious I will be. Like even though I have bad dreams about the beach, I still like to go there. I told him how weird it was that her house looked the same as it did that day. I don’t know why I would think that is weird, but it is. He said it is like the fear of flying, that the more I did it the less anxious I became. I told him I had to take a klonopin when I went to her house on Saturday, because I had been so anxious when I went on Thursday.

Then somehow we got off onto a tangent. This is when the session went from good to fair. I guess I was trying to tell J that this is bad time for me to be desensitizing myself to Chipotle and my cousin’s house, because last year at this time was a very bad time for me and I want to avoid that happening this year. He said he remembered that, and the time around my birthday. He asked me if I can get past bad feelings by thinking about the future, if I feel badly can I think how I will feel in one hour, or one day, or one week? I said I have a lot of trouble with that, I don’t look ahead and I have no idea how I will feel in the future. He seemed to think this would be a good way to avoid a repeat of last year. He said when he woke up today he was very tired, but he thought to himself, “I’ll just have some coffee and in two hours I’ll be feeling better.” I said he really can’t compare being tired to being suicidal, and he did agree that this will not work when one is at the bottom of the hole, but just to get past bad times. I was confused by what he was talking about and even asked him what was the point of this. I really wanted to get more into concrete ways to avoid falling into the April/May/June depression from last year.

He didn’t ask what I am doing to try to avoid it, and he was talking so much about the thinking about the future idea that I didn’t have time to say any more. And I can see that what he said made sense, but he tends to go on and on. So in case you are wondering what I am doing to avoid falling back into the hole, I have started running again (although I was running last year at this time and it didn’t help, but I figure running is better than not running), I quit drinking so much (I don’t have any wine in the house, and even though I have a lot of liquor and beer, I really prefer wine, so I don’t drink anything else), I’ve been on Wellbutrin since January, and I’m going to Florida on Thursday for a week to avoid mine and my husband’s toxic families for Passover. I am also trying to lose some weight, or at least get into better shape. I don’t think these things are enough though, and tomorrow it will be one month until my birthday and I am really dreading this month.

This afternoon I had an anxiety attack at work. I couldn’t figure out why I was so anxious. I lost my appetite halfway through my salad, my hands were shaking, and my stomach was in knots. Maybe it is because I was talking about flying on Thursday, and I’m taking Southwest, which had a plane develop a hole in the fuselage last week. They grounded all of their planes to inspect them, which I guess makes this a good time to fly. J was telling me the physics of holes in planes and how a person can’t get sucked out, that only happens in the movies.

So I would say this session was good to fair. It kind of sucks that it wasn’t great at the end and I won’t see him for two weeks, since I’ll be away next week. But the next time I see him I will try to make more of an effort to convey how anxious I am about this time of year, especially coming on the heels of the whole hospital thing with my cousin. Sometimes he and I just miss each other, I think that is natural, and we have had quite a few good sessions in the last month or two. It’s ok.