Dec 25 2010

Opening Up To A Friend

Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate Christmas! I don’t, I celebrate the Jewish Christmas – a movie and Thai food. True Grit was very good – I liked it.

Remember the other day I talked about my good friend who moved to the golf/tennis resort and was telling me about how great her life is – Tupperware, pot luck dinners, tennis, etc. I had sent her an email asking her three questions:

1. Are your friends nice? As in real, authentic, honest, trustworthy, can you open up to them, be yourself, share things?

2. Do you spend a lot of time with your husband?

3. What is the best thing about your relationship with your husband?

She very kindly answered these questions in great detail. And recommended that I read Eckhart Tolle’s books because they changed her life.

1). Are my friends trustworthy: some are and some are not. Therefore I trust my trustworthy friends (and yes, open up, share and be myself) and don’t expect trustworthiness from the ones who aren’t or who are not as close, for whatever reasons. They are still my friends however, just different. I don’t reveal too much. And friendships evolve.

2). Do I spend a lot of time with my husband. Yes and no. We spend most evenings together but hardly at all during the day. I go about my day and interests and he goes about his. I do a lot of things with girlfriends (or even guy friends) separate from him. In the evenings we have dinner and watch TV. Sometimes we don’t talk much (sometimes nothing meaningful, just functional stuff, for days) but that’s OK. Sometimes we do. And I always simply like being in his presence.

3). Best thing about my relationship with my husband: We have an easy acceptance (even joy) of each other’s different personalities and respect for our differences.

She then went on to say that he sometimes drives her crazy, and gave some examples. Then she asked me to answer the same questions. And I responded with all of my crap:

I have not read Tolle’s books, not a fan of his, but I have been reading about mindfulness, and I think it can be a good concept. I used to worry a lot about the future, I didn’t dwell much on the past. But there was always “what if”, and I don’t do that anymore. I can’t see a future so I don’t think about one.

I have been isolating myself from my friends for the past year or so. I still see them on occasion, and there is one friend who I see more often than the others. I started feeling like I couldn’t be myself with them, they didn’t understand me, and they were openly sarcastic and sometimes rude to me. I was enjoying my volunteer work, but recently resigned both of my positions – one was being a court appointed advocate for a foster child, and the other was working on the county crisis hotline and suicide hotline. Now I am working about 35 hours a week and have no time for volunteering.

Which is good financially, because husband seems to have a problem with compulsive gambling, and I don’t know what is going on with our finances, and he won’t tell me the truth. Our relationship is basically none, we have nothing in common now that our kids are grown, we don’t like the same things, and the things I was willing to put up with years ago I don’t feel like putting up with now. It doesn’t look like we can afford to get a divorce, because we can’t afford two residences, so I am trying to stash money so that maybe I can leave, or at least be prepared if more financial hardship hits.

I work mostly alone, so therefore spend most of my time alone. All my life I had something to look forward to if I was in a life stage that wasn’t so great. For the past 20 years my life basically revolved around raising my kids, and husband didn’t participate much in that at all, so it was mostly just me. Now they are grown, so I have to rethink things. I can’t see anything to look forward to, not just in the future, but even when I wake up in the morning and think about the day.

I took a writing class and really enjoyed it, although I had to drop out for a couple of weeks because it was too emotional. But someone in the class that I connected with convinced me to come back and I’m glad I did. It was only six weeks though, although now we meet once a month for a writing class reunion. I might sign up for another class.

Husband and I don’t spend any time together, and don’t say much to each other. He is downstairs all night watching tv and playing online poker, and I am upstairs in my office writing, or talking to my online friends, and trying not to drink too much.

I’ve been thinking about what I want from relationships, what exactly is a “connection”, what do I want from my relationship with husband, how can I find people who share my passions and don’t consider them “Harriet things” (as one friend called it), should I work on deepening my friendships with long term friends, or work on developing friendships with new people, like the ones I met when I went to Mississippi in April to work with Habitat for Humanity, or the people that I met in the writing class. On the one hand it is safe to be in my little cocoon, all by myself, no one can hurt me, but on the other hand I think one of the most important things in life is connecting with people, and I’m not doing that much at all lately.

So there you go. Aren’t you glad you asked?

And she responded with a very nice email telling me that she loves me and she wishes we lived closer (we haven’t lived near each other since 1985) and that people should have the courage to break free, but she knows it is hard, and I should take it one step at a time while I figure out why I think all of my avenues are closed, and that mindfulness is a huge part of finding oneself and realizing that it’s not other people, but ourselves where we find our happiness.

She again recommended Tolle’s books, that seeing and knowing and feeling and being the truth is the only way to true peace and happiness. Then she said, “I know you will figure out what the right thing is for you, and learn to not be defensive but loving/forgiving/wise/knowing instead.” Ouch, that kind of hurt. To think that I am not loving/forgiving/wise/knowing. OK, maybe I am not wise and knowing, but I am loving and I am forgiving. Or at least overlooking. Aren’t I?

She said she wanted to call me, but I told her I would get too emotional and with my husband taking the week off of work, and both kids home, I don’t think it would be a good time.

I am glad I opened up to a friend about all of this, even though it was through email. I don’t know what I expected exactly, or how she can help me. But I did it at least. I don’t plan to read any Eckhart Tolle though.

Dec 23 2010

More On My Existential Crisis

My existential crisis came out in public recently. Sunday night my husband and I went to a party given by a couple with whom we are friends. They live in our neighborhood, and there were lots of neighborhood people there. Too many people, actually, I had to keep going into the rooms that were more empty (ie; the ones without food or drink).

At one point in the evening my friend, the one who was giving the party, and I were talking about his next door neighbors, with whom we are also friends, and apparently they had just gotten back from Florida where they went to look for a retirement home. My friend, D, asked me what I think about getting a retirement home, that he can’t even imagine doing that now, if ever. Well, he and I are in a different age group than the other couple, their children are out of college and one is getting married next year. D and I both still have children in college. D was telling me that his parents moved to a retirement home in Arkansas and all they do is play cards, and they are frightfully bored. I told him that my mother lives in a retirement community, and she is constantly busy, she has many, many friends, she plays mah jong a couple of times a week, she goes to museums, plays and concerts. She also travels. When she was in Aruba for two weeks this month she told me she missed about a dozen parties and she doesn’t think she will go away again in December because she doesn’t want to miss the parties. She is definitely not bored. She is sad that she doesn’t have a husband to share her life with, but she is living a full life.

I told D that I don’t even know if I want to stay married to my husband, let alone buy a retirement home with him. He said, “What?!?” I said, “Come on, D, now that the kids are older don’t you think you can finally have your freedom?” He said, “No, I never think that, but maybe my wife does.” I said, “I don’t know. I can’t plan more than a couple weeks or a month ahead. I have no idea what I want to do, what there is to do.” Then another neighbor came by, her youngest just graduated college, and her oldest is married. She said she is loving her freedom. I asked her what she does with all of it. She says she comes home from work and she enjoys cooking for just her husband and herself, and not being a short order cook for the kids, that they have a beach house and they enjoy going there, that she plays a little golf, her husband plays a lot of golf. I don’t know, it didn’t sound very appealing.

But for both of these other couples, and the one looking for the home in Florida, they seem to have something I don’t. An enjoyable relationship with their spouses. If I could look forward to coming home from work because my husband and I would spend good time together, either doing something we both enjoy, or staying home together and just connecting, I would enjoy my freedom too. But now I come home, and he watches tv in his room and plays online poker I guess, and I go into my office and do my thing. So when I leave work I don’t look forward to going home.

A good friend of mine, who I met when I was 23, recently retired from a successful career in the magazine publishing business in New York. She and her husband moved to Charleston, SC and bought a beautiful home right outside of the historic district. But she just told me that she moved recently. This is what she said:

“We were making so many friends through golf and tennis and most of them lived in this community, and we fell in love with it. The funny thing is that I always said I’d never live in a suburban, golf-resort, country club, stepford wives community, and this place couldn’t be any MORE like that !!! But I LOVE it. I hang at the country club, play tennis and have luncheons with the girls, go to supper parties and bring covered dishes, plan block parties and go to tupperware parties (well, jewelry and fashion parties, actually). I can’t believe this is my life now!!! So next time you come visit, it will be different. Come in the summer. We have a great pool with poolside lunch and cocktail service, the beach just 15 minutes away, and downtown is only 15 minutes away too, so lots to do.”

She sounds so happy with her life. Is that what I want? Luncheons with the girls, pot luck dinners, block parties, Tupperware, poolside cocktails (well, that part does sound good). Maybe if I had a partner that I loved and that wanted to share this life with me I would be happy with that. Maybe it’s not a life I am looking for, maybe it is a connection, a relationship, someone who cares for me and loves me and for whom I can care and love back. But I don’t even know if I can do that. I feel so closed off from everyone. But I think I just want someone I can share my life with.

Dec 22 2010

Therapy Recap 12/20/10

I brought J a Christmas card. I said I would only give it to him if he wouldn’t make a big deal out of whether he was going to read it, or not read it, or read it when I’m there…..He said he wouldn’t. I told him to just read it when I’m not there and don’t make a big deal. He promised, so I gave it to him. I wrote a note in it thanking him for helping me.

He asked me what I thought about last week’s session and I said it was fine. I said, “I think you liked it, right?” He didn’t answer. He wanted to know if I felt comfortable sharing the stuff about my husband and his situation, and I said yes, it was not a problem. He asked how I felt later in the day and I said I didn’t really much of anything, I don’t understand where the therapy was. I felt like I was just reporting a story to him.

Then we had a discussion about what is therapeutic, and what would therapeutic look like? I said I think it concerns itself more with why people do things, why they might want to change, how they can change, identifying what problems there are, etc. I gave the example of someone who is trying to lose weight. Everyone knows that to lose weight you eat less and exercise, but if it was that easy there would be no overweight people in the world. So someone who can’t lose weight might need therapy to deal with the issues of why she/he can’t eat less. That just going to Weight Watchers meeting isn’t therapeutic. He said people say lots of things are therapeutic – going for a walk, getting a massage. I think that people might have different ideas of what therapy is for them and their particular issues.

Then we got into why I keep people at arm’s length, and why I am isolating myself. I talked about how if you connect with someone, the closer you get the more chance that you could get hurt. We talked about my husband and my friends, and I told him about one friend who hurt me by something she said about me. She said, “Oh that’s a Harriet thing” after we had a discussion about something I feel strongly about. I told him I am passionate about a lot of things and I guess those are considered “Harriet things” by my friends. He said that I put more weight on what other people say and think than I do on what I think. I said that if people are my friends I value what they say, so if one of them says something hurtful, it’s not like a stranger on the highway cursing at me.

I told him about a discussion I had with someone on my blog recently (that would be Sanity). That I was giving my opinion about zoos, and she responded with her opinion and we discussed it and then she said we should agree to disagree. And how respectful it was and I felt that my opinion was valued by her even though she didn’t agree with it. She didn’t say “That’s just a Harriet thing.” I know these things are my “things”, but the way my other friend said it, it felt dismissive and somewhat rude.

Then he asked me about anger and I said I rarely feel anger. We talked about that phrase “depression is anger turned inward”, which I said I hate and he said he does too, but he said that there are situations where I should be angry at someone but I take it out on myself. I told him that my mother has told me, even as an adult, that I need to overlook and forgive. He said he doesn’t think overlooking works, but choosing to let something go can be a good thing. He said it gets easier over time. I said it gets harder over time, to keep letting things go if someone keeps doing something that is hurtful. He said that, yes, if it is a particular person or situation and I have to keep letting it go it can cause resentment and sometimes I would have to give up that relationship. I said sometimes you can’t give up a relationship. (I was thinking about my sister during this conversation.)

So I’ve been thinking about what is therapeutic for me, and I do feel that this session was therapeutic. I believe that if I leave feeling like I have something to think about, to process, to learn from – then it was a therapeutic session. I think that there are other types of sessions that may be therapeutic as well – if I just need to vent about something for 45 minutes, that could be therapeutic for me as well, although I never do that. If I have an insight, that would be therapeutic, although I know that can’t happen every week, I wouldn’t want it to because it takes me a while to fully process insights.

But this session has left me thinking about many things – what do I want from relationships, what exactly is a “connection”, how I fear anger because when my kids were younger I couldn’t control my anger and I would yell and scream and throw things, and now when I start to feel that feeling (which now is rare, maybe once or twice a year) it really scares me, what do I want from my relationship with my husband, how can I find people who share my passions and don’t consider them “Harriet things”, should I work on deepening my friendships with long term friends, or work on developing friendships with new people, like the ones I went to Mississippi with, or the ones from my writing group?

I will have a lot of things to think about this week. Of course I know I won’t come to any conclusions right away, and I won’t be making any big decisions, but maybe these thoughts will lead to more discussion in therapy and more therapeutic sessions.

Dec 6 2010

Life – Meh

For some reason I feel badly about talking about feeling badly. How is that for guilt and shame? I had a great weekend. But is there some kind of rebound effect? Last night I crashed. I shouldn’t have watched the Biggest Loser. It was makeover week (this was Tivo’d from earlier in the week – I catch up on TV on weekends), and the contestants’ families surprised them at the fashion show. There is one woman, Ada, whose family is not supportive. During home video week, every family sent a video to their contestant, except her. She did not get a video. This week, her family did not come to surprise her, but her best friend did, whew! I got very emotional seeing the reunions between the contestants and their families, and very anxious worrying about who would be there for Ada. I was so glad her friend was able to come be with her. Yes, it is a TV show. I tend to get overly involved, can you tell?

Someone posted on their blog recently about life, and meaning, and purpose, and feeling an empty void. I had told my t once that I felt like there was an open wound inside of me. We talked about this at a session in April and this is what I wrote on my blog that day:

He said he wanted to talk more about the “open wound” that I wrote about in my email. He said he thinks of it as an emptiness or a void. Thinking about that I have to disagree. There is a difference between a wound and void. A void is what is left after the wound heals. We talked about where that wound might have come from and I said I have no idea. I have never suffered any trauma, so I am not even justified in feeling wounded.

I’m not sure if I have moved on from wound to void. But one night last week I was leaving work, pulling out of my boss’s driveway, and I thought to myself, “Why am I going home? There is nothing there for me.” I thought the same thing tonight. But tonight there really is nothing here, my husband and son are at a hockey game. And actually I prefer when they are not here, because then the reason I am alone is because I am alone. When they are here I am alone because we have no connection. No connection with my son in the evenings, because he is in his room with the door closed, watching a hockey game and on the computer. No connection with my husband because we have no connection at all.

What do I do at night? I either pick up some food for my husband and son, or make them some dinner. Then I make myself something to eat (I don’t eat what they eat), pour some wine, and catch up on blogs and email, and try to respond to as many of my friends as I can. I also try to catch my daughter on line and have a bit of a chat with her. I write on my blog, or write something for my writing class. I have some more wine. Once in a while I go do some work for someone at night. I never reach out to a friend to go out to dinner, something I used to do very often. I try to read before bed, but I have trouble concentrating.

Someone mentioned a “lifeless” life. That is what I have. I am alive, obviously. But I don’t feel like I am living.

I tried to pass it off to hormones. I have been bleeding for 19 days (sorry guys, if you are reading this and are squeamish about female disorders). I called my gynecologist and told him my symptoms, and how I am lethargic, gaining weight, tired, blah blah. He said, “We try to blame everything on hormones and cure everything with hormones.” He did say he is not trying to minimize my symptoms, but since I take birth control pills my problems can’t be due to hormones. Oh well.

Guess what else I did today? I started Wellbutrin again. Well, pdoc has been suggesting going back on anti-depressants the last two times I saw her. I checked my blog and I was on Wellbutrin from October 2009 until January 2010, when the side effects got too overwhelming. I’ll give it another try, I’m going to try to stick it out three months and see how I feel. It’s the only anti-depressant I will use.

I had such a good weekend. I guess I want that every day. I know that is too much to ask. Having that feeling a couple of times a year – is that enough to warrant living? It doesn’t seem so. A lifeless life – that is what I have.

Apr 5 2010

Obsessing About Tomorrow

My session with my T is tomorrow morning and I am really confused right now. Everything that has been going on with my blog, as much as I appreciate everyone’s comments and great thoughts and ideas, has got my head very jumbled. There is so much to think about! I don’t even know where to begin; I can’t put any of this in any kind of order or priority or even word it in a way that would make sense.

I think I’ll just stick to a continuation of what we talked about last week, but more focused on J’s last email to me in which he said that my anxiety about being misunderstood gets in the way of expressing myself as directly as possible. And how I allow people to not get what I’m saying because of worry about offending them. He did say that he was hopeful that we could discuss this last week, but I don’t think we did. I think it was more focused on my perception that he doesn’t get me and specifically in regard to how I found it difficult to email someone who I needed to say “no” to.

I don’t really think he likes to continue things from previous weeks though, so maybe that’s not a good topic.

There is so much that I COULD talk about, if I actually COULD talk about it, which I don’t think I CAN.

I was thinking, maybe my fear of being misunderstood by people is actually a fear of getting close to people, and it is just an excuse. Maybe if I allow people to understand me I will be too vulnerable and maybe I really don’t want that. All along I thought I would be happy if others could understand me, but maybe I’m preventing that from happening myself. I don’t know why I would I have a fear of getting close to anyone though, isn’t that basic human nature? To feel that connection with others?

Feb 22 2010

What A Difference A Day Makes

Well I think my life has changed since the last time I wrote, which was a mere two days ago.

I’ve been answering ads on Craig’s List in an attempt to find a job. Whenever I send an email in response to an ad I get no reply. However on Saturday, as I was sitting at my desk in a stupor after running 13 miles, I saw a new ad posted. Someone looking for a part time personal/executive assistant, which is exactly the type of position I was looking for.

I crafted a cover email and attached my resume, sent it off, and kind of forgot about it. No one ever responds. But a couple of hours later I did get a response and it was a positive one. He asked me some questions, I answered, and he asked if we could talk on the phone. We set up a time to talk on Sunday. That call went well, we chatted for about half an hour, and he decided we should have a meeting. We were both free an hour later, so we met at his home office in the afternoon. I was there for 1 ½ hours, and it seemed like a real connection. You know me and my connections! Well, I really felt the connection, and it seemed as though he did too. But he said he was interviewing another person and he would get back to me by Wednesday.

Today, Monday, I got an email from him saying that he really has mostly made his decision, but he wants me to fill out some forms for a background check and wants me to take a test that he found online. He said that the position is not contingent on me doing well on the test, but it’s a way to determine my strengths and qualifications. He had given me a sample question when we met yesterday and it was kind of fun, so I told him I am looking forward to taking the test.

I emailed him back the forms for the background check, and I am going over to his office on Wednesday morning, both to take the test, and to actually begin working.

This has all happened so quickly that I haven’t even had time to process it all. All I can say at this point is:

Other than that, I feel excited about starting a new direction with my life. This businessman for whom I’ll be working, I’ll call him R, is really serious about doing his research before hiring anyone, so I feel comfortable that if he does decide to definitely hire me it will be for the long run.

We’ve already had conversations about marriage, children, psychology, passions, nutrition, health, exercise and each other’s personality. And that’s in addition to the discussions we have had about office systems, productivity, finance, internet research, computers, international travel, the college search process and various other professional topics.

Tomorrow I meet with Parrot T. I’m not feeling anxious right now. What is there to be anxious about? We meet, we talk, we click or we don’t. If we do, I make a decision. If we don’t, I won’t see her again. I believe that I am feeling anxious about the prospect of leaving J, more so than starting with a new T.

This morning when I had my workout with my trainer I was wearing long sleeves to cover some self inflicted injuries incurred over the weekend. Despite the long sleeves my cuts were visible, you know when you are working out your sleeves don’t always stay all the way down. He asked, “Have an encounter with a cat?” I replied in the affirmative. He said, “The cat win?” I said, “Yep.” I don’t know what he imagined, and I’m wondering why I cut so low on my forearms, which I don’t usually do. I’m unclear as to whether I was flirting with the idea of cutting my wrists, or if I cut in a place where someone might notice. Either option doesn’t really sit well with me.

I want to thank my dear friend Grace for her support when I am feeling hateful of myself, despite her own troubles and being so sick that she was in the hospital, she is caring and loving and selfless. I only wish her happiness and love and peace, and for her therapist to come back from vacation and tell her that she’ll be ok. Thank you dear Gracie!

Feb 14 2010

Connection

I’ve been thinking about connection, since reading all of your comments about my encounter with the man with Asperger’s at the car repair shop. I’m not a person who believes that life has “meaning” or “purpose”, I guess because I am not spiritual in a religious sense. To me life is biology. Would you say that a lizard’s or a duck’s life has meaning? Other than in a biological sense, not really. They are on earth to procreate and to be a part of the food chain, same as humans. As for purpose, it is certainly understandable that we, as higher life forms, would like to think we have a purpose. It certainly adds pressure though.

Anyway, what gives my life meaning is connection. I love the feeling of connecting with another person, even if its a 30 second encounter. It doesn’t happen very often and what I’d really like is for it to happen with people with whom I have real relationships. It’s much easier to connect with strangers, with people on the internet or with someone who I know I’ll never see again, because part of connecting is making oneself vulnerable. And I don’t like to do that. If it do it with a stranger it’s a low risk behavior. But I think my life will be happier if I can connect with the people most important to me. I don’t know how to make that happen.

On another note, due to my recent feelings of low self worth I have my usual response feeling – which is escape. I really want to get away. I’m planning a trip to Mississippi to work with Habitat for Humanity, something I’ve been wanting to do for about a year and I’m finally getting my butt in gear and making the plans. The airfare isn’t expensive and they actually have dorms at this location. It costs $125 for the week including three meals a day. Unfortunately there are no non-stop flights to Gulfport from my location so I’ll have to change planes. Ugh – more xanax! I wish I could go sooner, but they are all booked up until April.

Feb 12 2010

Meeting At The Car Repair Shop

I did send J the email I wrote, slightly more edited than I had written it here. He sent me back a long email yesterday morning in which he brought up some very good ideas for discussion. I sent him back an email asking for clarification of some of things that he had written, and asking for more of his opinions about the issues. He did seem to be encouraging me to talk to him as well as to write to him about all of this, so I’m doing that.

I again want to thank everyone who has sent me their email addresses, cell phone numbers, Blackberry PINs, etc. It means more to me than you will ever know. And a special thank you to Grace for helping me to push the send button on the email, and for helping me to interpret J’s email back to me. I am not very adept at looking at things from an objective point of view. Everything I hear or read or see screams out to me “You are a failure! You are stupid!” But that is just me, and sometimes I need someone to help me see that.

Yesterday morning I got my car serviced. When it was done they gave me a call so I went to the check out desk and Ben, my car service representative, told me that they had accidentally put the wrong oil in the car (I like synthetic and they used regular) so they pulled the car back into the shop to empty out the oil and replace it. I wasn’t too happy about that, not because it wasn’t the oil I asked for, I can certainly live with non-synthetic oil for a few months, but because I was concerned about the oil waste. I mentioned that to him and he said it was still clean oil, so maybe they can use it again for someone else? While I mulled that over, a young man came over to the desk and said that his Prius battery had died and he needed a jump start. They told him to wait in the lounge. I went into the lounge also and sat across from him.

This man seemed to have some type of developmental disorder and we got to chatting. He was quite nice and told me that he is 38 years old has Asperger’s Syndrome and asked if I’d ever heard of it. I told him that my sister’s son has Asperger’s. We talked for a while and I asked him questions about his life. He lives in his own apartment, works at the grocery store once a week, and for a doctor a couple of other days, doing some sort of driving responsibilities. He said he has a friend who also works at the grocery store and she is very nice to him. She calls him every day to be sure he is ok, and he wanted to know if a box of candy and a card would be an appropriate gift to give her for Valentine’s day. He told me that he had a bad “stalkerish” experience in his life at a previous grocery store and he asked many questions about what is appropriate and what isn’t. I told him that candy and a card is always a welcome gift.

I asked him if he is lonely, and he said that he is. I told him about the crisis hotline and that he should call if he ever needs someone to talk to. I explained to him that many people who call are not in crisis, despite the name, and are feeling down, or need support, or just company.

He got up to leave to get to his car, which someone was going to start. There was another woman sitting nearby and she said that I seemed to be so nice to this young man. She didn’t know what Asperger’s Syndrome is, so I explained it to her and pointed out things he said and how he behaved which were definitely clues to the disorder. We also talked about how when people don’t understand Asperger’s or Autism spectrum disorders in general they might feel fearful when approached by someone like this man. I have a feeling that must be what happened to him at the grocery store. He was such a nice guy, and so open about himself, and yet there were definite boundary problems that were quite apparent.

I came home and made up some business cards on my computer with the phone numbers of our county crisis hotline, youth crisis hotline, and suicide lifeline. Now if I ever meet anyone in any kind of distress I can give them the phone numbers so that they can call.

If it hadn’t been for the wrong oil being put in my car I never would have had this really great opportunity to connect to someone. Must have been fate.

Jan 1 2010

First Post of 2010

Happy first day of 2010 everyone. I hope you all had a pleasant New Year’s Eve. My husband and I went out to dinner and then we went to our friends’ house in the neighborhood. There were a few couples there and we drank (a lot) and had dessert and watched the ball drop on TV. I had a bit too much to drink, and didn’t feel well today. Luckily I had no plans for the day.

To update the therapy recap, yesterday I thought of another thing J and I talked about on Tuesday. He asked if I had an alarm system, and I said that I used to have one, but one night the alarm went off in the middle of the night and my husband ran downstairs to see what was wrong. After that I told him that it’s pointless to have an alarm system if he is going to go down and get shot. J said he doesn’t have an alarm system either, and he said I live in a safe neighborhood, I lock the doors, and I have a dog.

I have no idea why we had this conversation.

Yesterday I went to work for a client I’ve only had for a couple of months. In case you don’t know I work as a professional organizer/administrative assistant for people who own their own businesses and need help. I don’t do residential organizing. My new client found me through an organizing referral website that I joined a while ago. Most, actually all, of the calls I’ve gotten through this website have been people looking for residential organizing, which I specifically said I don’t do, but they call anyway. I got the impression that some of them were hoarders, and I don’t feel comfortable working with hoarders because I think they need professional therapeutic help rather than an organizer, and I don’t feel comfortable taking money to organize stuff they can’t get rid of.

So a couple of months ago I got an email with a referral from a woman who is about 45 minutes away from me, and it said she is a psychotherapist needing help with organizing her business. The email said to call her after 8PM. At about 4PM I got a call from her. I figured she was another dead end lead, but when I was talking to her I felt a connection. We talked briefly about her needs and set up an appointment to meet at a diner. I don’t normally like to travel that far for clients, but like I said I felt a connection. When we met and had coffee I definitely felt a bond with her. She said she was interviewing a few organizers, and wanted references and asked about a background check – all very understandable requests. I gave her three references. A couple of days later she emailed me and said she wanted to hire me, that she didn’t interview anyone else, but she felt comfortable with me. We set up a time for me to visit her at home. When I got there I asked if she had talked to my references and she said she hadn’t. I asked if she lost the paper that she had written their phone numbers on, and she said, “How did you know?” The first day that I was there she said she felt comfortable enough with me that she would trust me to be in her home alone, and she gave me a key.

I emailed her with the information on my references, and a few days later she told me that she got gushing reviews by email from them. They apparently raved about me, both as a person and as an organizer/assistant. I said, “Oh well they are very nice people” and she replied, “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”

As we worked together over these last few weeks I grew to like her more and more. We talked a bit, but mostly surface stuff. Of course I know more about her than she knows about me because I am working with all of her stuff. She tells me a bit about her life as a therapist, and I ask questions, without being too obvious because I haven’t told her that I am in therapy. Anything that has to do with her clients is off limits to me, which I respect. I work for another therapist, and she spills way too much information about her clients to me, which is particularly bad because we live in the same town and I know some of these people!

We were working together yesterday, going through three boxes of papers and files. I was there for 5 hours, and we took a half hour break to eat and have tea. At one point I asked her if she was familiar with the Myers Briggs test, which of course she is since she is a psychotherapist, and I asked her what type she is. I had a feeling she was similar to me, except I knew that she is a P and I am a J, and I didn’t really know her well enough to know if she is an I or an E. She asked me why I am interested (typical therapist comeback) and I said I was trying to figure out her type. She said she is an ENFP. I said, “I knew it! But I didn’t know if you are an I or and E.” I told her that I am an INFJ, and I recognized some similar characteristics in her, with a major exception being the P/J area.

During the day she said to me, “I really enjoy working with you, you are very easy to be with.” I thanked her and said I feel the same about her. Then I told her that from the first conversation I …. and I couldn’t say the right words. I actually said, “I knew you weren’t like some of the wacky people that have called me before” which isn’t what I wanted to say at all. I wanted to say, “I felt a connection to you, and I enjoy working with you, and I feel what you feel in regards to your environment and how you envision it.” I really need to improve my communication skills. I don’t normally make New Year’s Resolutions, but that could be a good one.

Dec 16 2009

Two Theories

I have come up with two theories. The first one explains why I have been having crazy thoughts and why my mind won’t stop thinking and imagining and driving me crazy. I must have a brain tumor. Those are the symptoms of a brain tumor, right?

The second theory explains why I have always put a barrier between me and everyone else. I believe this began when I was young and I realized that I wasn’t like everyone else. I was odd, different, weird. And if people knew that they would, at best, not understand me, and more likely ridicule me. No one likes to be ridiculed, so I just shut down. That was simple.

Harriet M. Welch

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