Nov 17 2011

Three Things

A couple of things I didn’t write about my session on Tuesday:

J said more than once that he doesn’t know my husband, he can only go by what he has heard from me, and at one point said jokingly that he would like to see my husband with me in the office. I let that one slide, that will never happen.

J also asked me if I thought my relationships with people could improve and I said no, and he asked why not. I told him I was too old and it is too late, and I feel pretty hopeless about ever being able to change. He asked me what I would need to change, and I said that:

I would need to be myself
I would need to not be fake or hide things
I would need to trust people
I would need to allow myself to be vulnerable

He didn’t suggest how to make this happen however.

My husband and son are going to Toronto this weekend for a hockey game (that is how much they like hockey – Toronto is far away from here). Some of you might not know, or might have forgotten, that I self harmed for quite a while. I haven’t done it in months, I don’t know how long exactly because I don’t like to go back and read old posts on my blog. But I would usually self harm when I was alone in the house, and I’m getting a little anxious about being alone all weekend. So I am thinking of ways to pass the time. Saturday morning I have my running group, but that is all that I have planned. However yesterday a dear friend, who lives down the street from me, called me to tell me she was going out of town because her mother is dying, but her husband is currently undergoing chemo and radiation for cancer. I offered to spend time with him this weekend, because he hates to be alone. That could really fill up the whole weekend, and she said he doesn’t feel so awful that he can’t take walks or even go to the movies. I plan to spend as much time over at their house as possible, he thinks I am doing him a favor, but it is really the other way around.

I don’t know if people outside the US know about the Penn State situation, or even if people outside of the east coast of the US. In a nutshell, a football coach at the university founded a charity to help troubled youth in the late 1970’s. In the mid-1990’s this same coach engaged in “inappropriate conduct” with a few young boys between the ages of 7 and 13. This “inappropriate conduct” ranged from molestation to actual sexual activity (ie; rape).

In the late 1990’s a mom of one of the boys reported an incident to the university police and child protective services. Investigators interviewed the coach, he admitted that he showered with the boy and also admitted it was wrong, and promised not to do it ever again. No charges were filed, and the case was closed.

The coach then retired, but stayed on as a volunteer and had full access to the everything at the university.

Recently a man came forward and gave testimony saying that the coach showered with him when he was a young boy, and molested him. At the time a janitor on the campus told his supervisor that he saw the coach performing oral sex on a young boy. Another janitor reported that he saw the coach and a boy leave the shower room holding hands. Neither the janitors nor the supervisor reported the incidents to university police or child protective services.

A couple of years later a graduate student told the Head Coach (Joe Paterno) that he saw the football coach in the locker room shower, performing anal sex on a 10 year old boy. Paterno reported the incident to his supervisor. Now the story gets fuzzy. The graduate student claims that he told university officials that he saw the coach and the boy engaged in anal sex. But university officials say that they were never told this, just that the coach and the boy were horsing around and maybe by accident the coach touched the boy’s genitals. However the university takes away the coach’s campus privileges, the incident is reported to the charity, but no law investigation happens.

In the mid 2000’s a coach at a high school where the football coach was volunteering came upon him and a young boy engaged in some type of inappropriate conduct. The coach spent a lot of time with this boy. In the late 2000’s the boy’s mother reported that her son had been sexually assaulted by this volunteer coach, and the high school principal reports this to the police.

This month the coach was finally arrested for a bunch of charges involving child abuse. The university supervisors were charged with perjury and failure to report abuse. Those supervisors just resigned.

The head coach, Paterno, said he would retire at the end of the football season. However the university removed him from his head coach position immediately. The school students were very angry about this and were having riots on campus, and the graduate student who had reported what he saw now is getting death threats.

Now, having some time to think about it and come to their senses, the students are supporting the victims of the abuse by having candlelight vigils, and having a moment of silence before last week’s football game.

The coach still insists he is innocent, and denies that he is a pedophile. He does admit to showering with the boys however.

This has already gotten very long, and there is a reason why I am telling this story. But I’ll write about that tomorrow.

Nov 12 2010

Whatever

1. Primary care doctor called the other day, but I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t pick up. He called back today and I told him that I realize he can’t do anything about the fact that my insurance company will only let me have four migraine pills per month. He said that there are new medications available for people with migraines and he recommended a neurologist for me to see. I don’t really get many migraines, but I might go see one anyway. I would like Topamax, but my psychiatrist wouldn’t prescribe it for me. Maybe a neurologist will.

2. Son’s pdoc called the other day, but I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t pick up (am I the only person who does that?) I called back, but he was in session. He never called back. He wanted to talk about the letter I sent him in regard to my son’s session – the one where he kept us waiting for 55 minutes and then only spent 8 minutes with my son.

3. I was happy with J’s voice mail that he left me, I thought it was very positive and that he believes everything he said to me. He is very earnest. That’s a good word for him – earnest. Still young and idealistic. Somewhat like a boy scout. I am disappointed that he didn’t read the papers I left him for the box though. Sigh. Finally got my courage up to tell him about all of these things that are on my mind, and that I’m holding a grudge about, and I felt relieved that they are out there. But he didn’t read them. I decided that when I go back on Tuesday I am going to take those papers back home with me. Maybe I’ll try again another time, but I don’t have that courage right now that I had last week.

4. Today I had lunch with one of the people with whom I went to Mississippi last April for Habitat for Humanity. He’s a man. He is married, with four children (two from first wife, two from present wife). He is a great guy – but very flirtatious. He looooves women. The whole time in Mississippi he flirted with everyone – we went out to restaurants and bars a lot and he was always talking to the women. He is also very physical – loves to hug. We got along really well, he gets along with everyone it seems. I’ve met his wife twice – at both reunions. The first time she wasn’t friendly at all and left early – I think she didn’t feel well. At the last one, last month, she was quite different. A very nice person, not as gregarious as he is. He was selling nuts for the men’s club at his church, so I bought some. (Lots of nuts jokes occurring at the reunion while we were all discussing this!) He asked if we should meet for lunch so that he could deliver his nuts, and we did lunch today. It was really nice. He is great to talk to, we talked about so many things. Nothing personal, just work and travel and kids. It was nice having a man listen to me. Nothing more than that, don’t worry. My marriage may suck, but I would never cheat on my husband. I would never let another man see me naked, so there is no danger of an affair. It was just a nice lunch.

5. Since my boss left for NY today, I played hooky. After lunch I took my son to a movie – Due Date. Kind of silly, had some funny parts. I like to spend time with my son, he is a good guy. We like the same kind of stuff, so it’s good.

6. Last night I felt really down, despite J’s nice voice mail. Maybe I was ruminating about the good vs bad stuff, I don’t know. But I felt like cutting and drinking. I even got out all of the cutting supplies and looked at them. I had one glass of wine (I measure my wine now – I think I mentioned that I have really big wine glasses, and I found an 8 ounce plastic cup. So now I pour the wine into the plastic cup, then into the wine glass. I can keep tabs on how much I am drinking now.) Then I decided I wouldn’t cut, and I wouldn’t have any more to drink. I wanted to get up early and run. So I got in bed at 9:30PM (after watching part of the Bourne Identity, of course, yeah the good vs bad stuff) and I read a book on my Kindle, and went to sleep around 10:00PM. I woke up at the crack of dawn, but that was ok. I felt good about not cutting or drinking. Of course, today I am drinking! But yesterday I made some good choices.

Feb 22 2010

What A Difference A Day Makes

Well I think my life has changed since the last time I wrote, which was a mere two days ago.

I’ve been answering ads on Craig’s List in an attempt to find a job. Whenever I send an email in response to an ad I get no reply. However on Saturday, as I was sitting at my desk in a stupor after running 13 miles, I saw a new ad posted. Someone looking for a part time personal/executive assistant, which is exactly the type of position I was looking for.

I crafted a cover email and attached my resume, sent it off, and kind of forgot about it. No one ever responds. But a couple of hours later I did get a response and it was a positive one. He asked me some questions, I answered, and he asked if we could talk on the phone. We set up a time to talk on Sunday. That call went well, we chatted for about half an hour, and he decided we should have a meeting. We were both free an hour later, so we met at his home office in the afternoon. I was there for 1 ½ hours, and it seemed like a real connection. You know me and my connections! Well, I really felt the connection, and it seemed as though he did too. But he said he was interviewing another person and he would get back to me by Wednesday.

Today, Monday, I got an email from him saying that he really has mostly made his decision, but he wants me to fill out some forms for a background check and wants me to take a test that he found online. He said that the position is not contingent on me doing well on the test, but it’s a way to determine my strengths and qualifications. He had given me a sample question when we met yesterday and it was kind of fun, so I told him I am looking forward to taking the test.

I emailed him back the forms for the background check, and I am going over to his office on Wednesday morning, both to take the test, and to actually begin working.

This has all happened so quickly that I haven’t even had time to process it all. All I can say at this point is:

Other than that, I feel excited about starting a new direction with my life. This businessman for whom I’ll be working, I’ll call him R, is really serious about doing his research before hiring anyone, so I feel comfortable that if he does decide to definitely hire me it will be for the long run.

We’ve already had conversations about marriage, children, psychology, passions, nutrition, health, exercise and each other’s personality. And that’s in addition to the discussions we have had about office systems, productivity, finance, internet research, computers, international travel, the college search process and various other professional topics.

Tomorrow I meet with Parrot T. I’m not feeling anxious right now. What is there to be anxious about? We meet, we talk, we click or we don’t. If we do, I make a decision. If we don’t, I won’t see her again. I believe that I am feeling anxious about the prospect of leaving J, more so than starting with a new T.

This morning when I had my workout with my trainer I was wearing long sleeves to cover some self inflicted injuries incurred over the weekend. Despite the long sleeves my cuts were visible, you know when you are working out your sleeves don’t always stay all the way down. He asked, “Have an encounter with a cat?” I replied in the affirmative. He said, “The cat win?” I said, “Yep.” I don’t know what he imagined, and I’m wondering why I cut so low on my forearms, which I don’t usually do. I’m unclear as to whether I was flirting with the idea of cutting my wrists, or if I cut in a place where someone might notice. Either option doesn’t really sit well with me.

I want to thank my dear friend Grace for her support when I am feeling hateful of myself, despite her own troubles and being so sick that she was in the hospital, she is caring and loving and selfless. I only wish her happiness and love and peace, and for her therapist to come back from vacation and tell her that she’ll be ok. Thank you dear Gracie!

Feb 3 2010

Therapy Recap 2/2/10

I started out by telling J that I was having some problems lately. I’m feeling really badly about myself, I’m cutting a lot and I’m thinking about dying a lot. He asked me a lot of questions about the cutting, because my latest cutting habits are a lot different from my usual pattern. So we talked about motivation, and how I feel during and after cutting, and if I feel that I’m cutting in order to be proactive. It has become kind of a habit lately, more so than as a way to relieve bad feelings. But I told him that I have to stop because a friend asked me to join her twice a week to work out with her. She has a trainer that comes to her house, and it sounded like a really good thing to do, and not too expensive since he’s splitting his fee with both of us. I met them for the first time this morning, and of course I had to wear long sleeves, and it was really hot. If I’m going to keep this up I’m going to have to switch to cooler workout shirts, which means no cutting on my arms.

Then he asked me what’s been going on to cause me to be feeling this way, and I told him that it started about six weeks ago or so and there have been some stressors in my life. He asked if they were “garden variety” stressors and said he didn’t mean to minimize them, but he just wanted to know if there was something else that was more major. There are a number of factors, and I did say that, but of course when I only have 45 minutes to cover everything I can only focus on one or two items. He knows about my weight issues and mentioned that I did tell him a couple of weeks ago that I had gained some weight. He said, “Was it five pounds?” I said, “NO, it was two pounds.” But that is garden variety stress.

There were a couple of things I could have picked as my major impetus for the negative feelings, but I decided to tell him about the situation with my son. I said that at the beginning of January I decided that I would set a goal for myself – by the end of the month I would do “something” about my son. (As a reminder, he is 19 years old, flunked out of college last May, has not gotten a job, doesn’t go to school, stays up all night and sleeps all day, spends all of his time on his computer and playing video games, and doesn’t drive.) So as the end of January was getting closer and closer I was getting more and more distraught and feeling like I was an incompetent parent. I kept thinking I should do “something” but I didn’t know what the “something” was. Lots of people are freely giving me their advice and opinions, despite the fact that I do not ask for their input, but I didn’t feel comfortable with any of these ideas.

As I was talking about my son I said to J, “Have you noticed I don’t use names? I just found out recently that people use names in therapy.” He said that’s normal, he doesn’t use names when he is talking to people who don’t know the names of those to whom he is referring. He said it’s not weird that I don’t use names, that in fact some people use so many names it’s like a soap opera. I told him about a woman that called the hotline the other day, and was using everyone’s names. And it turns out that her son goes to my daughter’s school, they are in the same grade, and all of the names she mentioned were people that I know. That was disconcerting.

We talked about how my parenting issues with my son cause me to feel badly about myself due to how I think I made so many mistakes with him. I asked him what I should do about the situation. I was thinking that this was good, I’ve never really asked him about a specific situation in the year and a half since I’ve been seeing him, so maybe I can actually get help with this. We talked about parental responsibilities and how I need to figure out what mine and my husband’s responsibility is at this point. He talked about how I need to discuss this with my husband, and I can write about it since I express myself more easily in writing.

Towards the end he asked how I was feeling about this. I told him that it seemed overwhelming and that my husband is basically useless in matters of this type. We talked about whether my husband considers this my responsibility and I said that no, he doesn’t, but I think I consider it my responsibility. He asked if my husband would be willing to join me in carrying out a plan, when and if we develop a plan, and I said that I thought he would as long as it doesn’t cause him any conflict.

So my “homework” is to figure out what my responsibility is for my son. He said I could email him, or bring it next week, or I don’t even have to do it (I supposed he doesn’t want me to feel pressured).

Thinking about my responsibility for my son is causing old bad feelings. I posted on my facebook asking for input in what a parent’s responsibility is for their adult teenage child, but didn’t get much feedback. I think it is definitely a gray area.

My son is capable of working, he doesn’t have any kind of disability that prevents him from doing so. J and I talked about theoretical things like charging him rent, or kicking him out. He said if we kick him out of the house we are making that decision, but if we charge him rent and he doesn’t pay it, he is making the decision to be kicked out. I said, “So then I don’t have to feel guilty?” And he said I didn’t need to feel guilty either way. That’s great in theory, but what parent doesn’t feel guilty about things like this?

I think it may be fairly easy for me to determine what a generic parent’s responsibility is for their generic adult child. But since I feel very strongly that I caused many of my son’s problems regarding his ability to function in the world, I think my responsibilities are different than the generic ones would be. Imagine that a parent was driving drunk with their child in the car, and got into an accident that left the child with permanent disabilities. I would think that parent would feel much more responsibility for the care of the child than a parent to whom this did not occur.

Now, this is a very extreme example, but sometimes it takes an extreme example to get people to understand what I’m talking about. In the past I have felt that J didn’t really get the extent that my actions, or non-actions, had on my son over his course of his childhood. So I don’t really feel very comfortable discussing this with him.

I felt conflicted when I left the session. J didn’t even acknowledge that I said I think of dying a lot, but I have heard of therapists who don’t discuss death and/or suicide with their patients. I don’t know why that is exactly, I’ll have to do some research.

But later on, I realized that perhaps he could really help me with this situation, that it is a tangible real life problem, unlike nebulous things like self esteem or body image. Maybe this will get me to feel more positive about my therapy.

But later on still, I realized that thinking about the homework assignment is bringing up painful feelings, and I’ll probably have to discuss those with him, and then we’ll be back to the nebulous issues again.

So I’m not sure where I stand now, but I do want to think about the homework, at least in regards to the responsibilities of a generic family. I’ll work on that first.

Jan 26 2010

Therapy Recap 1/26/10

J asked what we are talking about. I said, well, whatever. He said he would like to talk about my email from three weeks ago, since last week I talked about wanting to talk about that. Unless something happened this week that I would prefer to talk about. I said nothing happened this week, but in his email to me last week he said he wanted to talk about my thoughts that he is sick of me and frustrated with me. He said he didn’t remember what was in his email to me last week. I said, well, you said you wanted to discuss this particular item, and the reason I wrote about it was because I thought I did a good job reframing my thoughts and I wanted to let you know that. But then you said you wanted to discuss it and it made me anxious all week and I was wondering why you chose that item as something to discuss. He really couldn’t remember any of this, so he went to his computer to see what he had written. He claims that this particular item stood out for him because it was larger than the other items since I wrote it in list form rather than paragraph form. Oh.

How could I get so anxious about something, and he doesn’t remember saying it at all?

We did discuss how when someone makes a comment or remark to me I tend to believe it and think that they are judging me and then I hold onto these thoughts and this leads to feeling bad about myself. We’ve had this conversation before, about 99 times before. What it comes down to is knowing something intellectually, but not being able to feel it. I asked him how I do this. He doesn’t know. He tried to come up with an answer. He said if I think logically about things eventually the logic will win out. That kind of sucks as an answer, but maybe that’s the way things work.

Then he asked me if he could tell me about a personal situation he encountered last week, that had to do with this type of logical thinking. I said sure, I’m always happy to talk about the other person rather than myself. He told me his story, and we talked about it for a while, and it was so much better than talking about myself. I wish we could talk about him every week. He was still talking about it when I got up to leave.

I didn’t tell him about the cutting, or the suicidal ideation, or the constant feeling of hating myself. Maybe I’ll tell him that next week.

I talked to my sister yesterday, and she told me that the reason my mother doesn’t want to come to lunch with us on Friday is because she doesn’t want to drive an hour to my house with my sister’s friend because she doesn’t feel comfortable with her. I didn’t quite believe that. I talked to my mother today and she said she isn’t meet us on Friday because we “young girls” don’t need an “old lady” like her hanging out with us. I told her that we would enjoy having an old lady like her with us. I said, “I thought you didn’t feel comfortable driving here with L.” She said, “No, I never said that, that’s not a problem.”

My aunt called me and told me that my mother called her and told her she isn’t going to my cousin’s wedding. My aunt says she doesn’t believe the reason my mother gave, she wishes she knew the true reason why my mother isn’t going. I know the true reason, but I’m not telling my aunt. I don’t want to get caught in the middle between the two of them.

Then I had to call my insurance company. We switched to a new provider on January 1st, and I checked my claims online and saw that they didn’t pay for my last three therapy sessions. So I called them and they said I needed to get these pre-authorized. They said they could do that on the phone, but they needed to ask me a couple of questions, that I didn’t have to answer if I didn’t want to. The first was if in the last two months I have drank too much or taken drugs. The second was if in the last week I felt like hurting myself. Huh? Who the hell would answer yes to these questions? And if you choose not to answer isn’t that just like answering yes? I lied. Well, the first question I told the truth, I haven’t drank too much or taken drugs. Not illegal drugs anyway. And prescribed drugs are ok, I’m assuming. But I did lie about the second question.

Everybody lies, and you never know who is lying, and who is telling the truth, and what the truth really is. That’s life.

I told my husband that I hate this new insurance company and they would only approve 10 visits of therapy, and then the therapist has to apply for more visits for me. Huh? I’m not going to ask him to do that. I told my husband that they were asking me intrusive questions that were none of their business and we are just going to pay out of pocket once the 10 visits are up. With the amount of money we spend on insurance every year (we pay for our own insurance) I don’t feel like I have to justify my therapy to them. So there.

Tomorrow morning is my meeting with Mr. IRS Seal. I don’t know what to wear. All of my business-y type clothes are too big. I’m anxious about the meeting, and I’m anxious about what to wear.

I’m still cutting. It’s like a compulsion now, I have to do this almost every day. I wrote that post yesterday about thinking rationally and logically about what is going on, but once again, although I know these things intellectually, I can’t feel them. I can’t feel better about myself. It’s just really hard.

Jan 22 2010

And The Winner Is….

So boys and girls we have a winner! Ding ding ding ding ding…..

The winner is Ron. I’m sorry that I do not have a prize for you, Ron. Although you did choose the correct number, the context was a little off. You said that you thought my therapist might want to discuss whether or not it is worth it to continue in therapy. I had written to him that when he asked me that question I immediately thought that he didn’t think it was worth it, but I realized that these were my thoughts, not his, which for me is progress. However in his email response to me he said that he wants to discuss my thoughts about his feelings towards me. He thinks “we should try to keep those dynamics closer to the surface; to have more awareness of those dynamics as they occur.”

I’m curious as to why, of all of the nine items, this jumped out at him, especially considering that I did have awareness of those dynamics at the time that they occurred. I thought I did pretty well with this, unlike the other eight things. I guess I won’t know unless I ask him.

I’ve been feeling down, and I’m not sure why. I’ve been cutting, not sure if I should write about that here, but it’s my blog, so I guess I can. It makes me feel better. When I run along the river I stop and watch the water swirling around, there are parts that are somewhat rough and even a sign that says, “Danger. An average of 7 people drown in this area every year.” I wonder if any of them drown on purpose. The water must be very cold, I would think it wouldn’t take long to drown. I don’t like the idea of drowning, especially since watching my father die from congestive heart failure, which is basically drowning in your own body.

And I think about my meds stash a lot too. It sounds so nice to just be able to take a bunch of pills, fall asleep, and die. However, I know it doesn’t work that way. I’m sure what would really happen is I would get really sick, and throw up a lot, and maybe even have to go to the hospital, and I would never want that to happen. But I do think about the pills a lot.

Maybe I haven’t been keeping busy enough, I haven’t worked very many hours this week. Although I’m not motivated to keep busy, so I’m not sure which came first. Mr. IRS Seal emailed me yesterday, I thought he forgot about me, which would have been a good thing. But he didn’t. He wants to meet me next Wednesday. Oh well, what’s the worst that can happen? He’ll see I’m stupid and don’t know what I’m doing and that will be it.

Dec 19 2009

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry for yesterday’s post. I was not in a good place. Turns out everyone in my family went out for the evening, so I was home alone, which isn’t good for me at night. During the day I don’t have a problem with it. And I had some wine, and I was considering some MalCopS (maladaptive coping strategies). I actually sat on the bathroom floor curled up in a ball for a good while, until my ass started to hurt. Tile is hard. I watched one of those Jason Bourne movies for about the 15th time this week – for some reason that is all I can stand to see on TV lately. Jason Bourne movies, especially the first and third. Not crazy about the second one. And I read some blogs, blogs about people who have suffered throughout their childhoods and into adulthood.

I took out some of my implements and looked at them for awhile, then put them away. I did have an exacto knife on my desk into which I put a fresh blade and did a half hearted attempt at cutting myself, which really was just a couple of scratches. No blood to speak of, but it stung which was all I needed.

I think my post might have seemed manipulative because I’m doing the same thing I did with my therapist, skirting around an issue, expecting people to read my mind. Which is I know is a very unreasonable expectation. You see I have some secrets, and I can’t even write about them here. So I can’t explain why I think I’m a bad person without revealing those secrets, which is not fair to anyone. I won’t talk about this anymore unless I am willing to reveal the truth, ok? I promise.

Dec 15 2009

Therapy Recap 12/15/09

Went back to therapy today after a break due to J’s vacation. It was hard to be back. Lots of anxiety, didn’t know what to talk about, felt like I was starting all over again. J started with saying he thinks he sees some changes in me – I’m less critical of myself, less judgmental, as evidenced by the meatball episode. He brought up the situation with my husband and I told him how underwhelmed I felt about talking about that two weeks ago. I told him that I don’t feel any emotion when I’m there with him. He mentioned barriers and what do I think I’m protecting myself from. I told him I’m like the third little pig, all safe in my brick house. He said in one version of the three little pigs story the third pig lets the other two into his house when their houses got blown down by the big bad wolf. He wanted to know if my house had a door, and I said it does, but it’s locked. He asked if it has windows, and I said, no, no windows.

He thought maybe my protective house has been built as a response to the experience I had with my son’s therapist. He asked if we could talk about that a little. So we did, we went over how my son’s therapist, D, didn’t treat us well, promised things and never followed through, we’d show up for appointments and he wouldn’t be there, he didn’t return calls or emails, and in general crossed a lot of boundaries. Plus he criticized me. I couldn’t remember during the session exactly what D had said about me, but when I got home I looked it up. He said I was “standoffish and sarcastic” and when I asked him about this he said, “oh, and also argumentative and pessimistic.” He was actually very difficult to work with, and after doing some reading I have come to see that he has a very narcissistic personality. This therapy came to a bad end.

So, yes, perhaps my brick house has been built in response to how D treated us. But I think the house was built long, long before that. J asked if anyone has treated me like D did prior to that, and I said I had a relationship once a long time ago that was similar. But my parents did not treat me that way.

J says I compartmentalize, which sometimes is a good thing, but also can be bad. For example if a man is driving to work and ranting and raving about the traffic, he isn’t thinking that perhaps his anger is due to the fact that this is his last day of work because he was laid off. That things affect other things and if I know why I’m so protective it would help me to understand it. As far as I know I’ve been like this since I was a child, so I think it is just my personality, but I don’t know.

He asked me about the cutting, and when I last cut. I told him that I don’t really remember, but I think it was about 2 months ago. He asked me where on my cutting flowchart I would put a picture of me dissociating from my feelings, which totally confused me because my cutting is very emotionally charged, and is not a result of feeling numb like I know is the case for some self injurers. So I’m not sure about that, and I tried to explain that I only seem to not feel my feelings when I am in session with him, but maybe I do that in other situations also.

We talked about the wellbutrin and if I think it is helping, and I said I don’t think so yet, but I feel the side effects already.

Then he asked about the book he lent me, and how I liked it. I said I liked it. He wanted to know what I liked about it. I didn’t tell him that I hated having his book for three weeks. That every time I picked it up to read I couldn’t concentrate because of the stupid obsessive thoughts I got about spilling something on his book, or ripping up the book. I was so happy to give that book back to him today and I hope he never offers to lend me anything else. But I didn’t tell him any of that.

I did mention that I thought the concepts of Flow and Mindfulness are better suited to people who have more control over their thoughts than I do. I was so busy thinking about all of the horrible thoughts I have had over the past few weeks while I was working on being mindful that I wasn’t paying much attention to what he had to say about this. He did ask me about the thoughts and I wouldn’t really elaborate, so he said something about depressing and anxious thoughts. I wish that was all that they are.

It was approaching the end of the session and there was something I really wanted to tell him, something I’ve never told anyone because I was afraid I would be hospitalized or my children would be taken from me. I just feel badly that he thought I was making improvement and now I was telling him this very negative thing about myself. So I guess I looked really anxious and/or upset and he asked me if I felt ok. I said I was fine (as usual – I’m always fine!) but I wanted to tell him something. Then I paused and he said I could tell him or not. I said I wanted to tell him. So I did manage to tell him, it was really only one sentence. But it is something horrible about me and it’s a secret that I have carried around for over 19 years. It involves intrusive thoughts. After I told him I said I don’t want to talk about it, and anyway it’s time to go. As I was walking out the door he said, “This is more common than you might think.” I said, “I don’t think so” and I left.

And lately my intrusive thoughts have really been getting out of control. I’m not sure if it’s due to working on mindfulness – it seems when I try to clear my mind that is when bad thoughts pop in – or maybe the wellbutrin is too stimulating to my mind. I know I should talk to J about this, but when he started the session by saying he noticed positive changes in me I didn’t want to invalidate that by telling him that my thoughts are so bad that I think I’m going crazy. I know going crazy means having a psychotic episode, and I also know that is not what is happening to me because I know the thoughts are in my mind and not real. But I really don’t know if I will act on these thoughts, sometimes the urges are very strong. I just don’t know what is wrong with me, and it’s very scary. It’s even scarier telling someone about it.

It took about 15 minutes after the session ended for the emotions to come to the surface. And I’ve been holding back tears all day. Right now I’m focusing on the screen and the keyboard and trying to figure out what I’m going to do for the next 6 hours until it is time for bed. Something to do that doesn’t involve negative coping strategies. I feel pretty awful right now. I guess I’m not always fine.

Oct 29 2009

Hotline Caller Update

I keep thinking about the girl who called the hotline Sunday who wanted to cut. I think about her every day, and every time I think about her I cry. She said she was holding her stuffed tiger while she was talking to me. I can picture her curled up on her bed with her tiger in one hand and her phone in the other. It makes me sad.

So I called my supervisor today to see if the girl has called again, and my supervisor said that she talked to her yesterday and she is adding her to regular callers list. I’m so glad that she is continuing to call. She shared some more details, which I won’t go into here for confidentiality purposes, but it’s good that she is opening up. My supervisor said, “I’m sorry you’ve been thinking about her so much.” This got me worried, I don’t want her to think that I’m getting too emotionally attached to anyone. I explained that this was the first child that I’ve talked to on the hotline and I was just concerned, but I’m fine. Yikes, I don’t want to get kicked off the hotline. I’m missing my shift this weekend because I’m running in a 10K, and I’m disappointed that I won’t be there. I think I may check and see if anyone is looking for a sub for next week so I can fill in a shift or two.

Oct 29 2009

Feeling Sad and Angry and Scared

I woke up today and couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t take any klonopin last night, and I had a bad night. I get this thing that feels like I need to jump out of my skin. I don’t know what it is, and it doesn’t happen all the time, but it happened last night. Maybe because I took two klonopin the night before, and I had a really great sleep, and I took two more yesterday morning. I can’t believe I would have withdrawal after just 2mg of klonopin though.

I’m feeling anger, because it took me so long to get off the damn klonopin. I have three bottles of it in my drawer and I never touch it. Until Tuesday night. And it makes me so damn angry that I sleep so well when I take it, but I can’t sleep when I don’t take it. Is it too much to ask for a good night’s sleep.

I also started the wellbutrin yesterday. I never had a chance to talk to J about it, there just isn’t time. 45 minutes once a week goes by quickly. But I guess I really need it and I’m going to give it 6 months and see how it goes. I see my pdoc next week. Yesterday at about 2PM I was so tired, I guess from the klonopin. I was at work, alone, and I fell asleep on the couch for about 45 minutes. The klonopin also seems to affect my cognitive skills. I had a really hard time remembering what I did for lunch and what I ate. I had to search my brain to remember. God knows what else I did that I forgot. I only took 1mg in the morning, not a huge dose or anything, and no liquor with it.

I also cut a little. But I don’t want to talk about that. Except to say it didn’t even hurt, so it was waste.

I woke up today feeling sad and also angry. I’m angry that I go to therapy every week, and I try, I really do. I think I do. Maybe not enough. But I feel like it’s all I can do to talk about my feelings, it takes everything out of me, and then I’m told that my feelings aren’t logical. So J explains the logic of whatever the situation is, and I get that. I really really GET the FUCKING logic!!!!! I would tell anyone else the same thing.

But I CAN’T FEEL it. It is so frustrating. How do I FEEL it? I’ve read books, I’ve asked people, I’ve told J I can’t feel it. But no one has been able to tell me how to feel the logic.

I had a time frame for therapy. If I didn’t get better by a certain day I would use my backup plan. But due to a change of circumstances I can’t use my backup plan. Now I feel like I have no therapy and no backup plan. All I want to do now is be numb and sleeping.

Harriet M. Welch

Tag Archives: cutting