I had a horrible night’s sleep last night, and a rushing around kind of morning, and I had no idea what I wanted to talk about in therapy today. Maybe my conversation with my mother, or the email my sister sent me (we currently do not have any communication) that said my mother told her that I am having a “procedure” and that she hopes it goes well.
But J asked me if there is anything new with the medical stuff. When you have cancer that is what you are expected to talk about, and really, there isn’t anything else. I wish there was.
I gave him the update on meeting with the kidney doctor and still not being able to have my MRI since the insurance company STILL has not approved it (rescheduled now for Thursday). We talked about how I get frustrated sometimes (insurance issues) and confused other times (trying to decide best course of treatment), and that I still don’t have all of the information, so it is hard to make a decision right now.
We also talked about my fear of illness, and how I am not afraid of dying (he had asked me if I am scared). I talked about what exactly I am afraid of when it comes to being sick and he asked me if, now that I have talked about it, I feel better. I said that, no, I don’t feel any better. He asked if I feel worse, and I said that no, I don’t feel any worse.
I told him about my conversation with my mother, and my sister’s email. And how people say if I have a positive attitude I will be cured, which makes me feel like I can’t ever say anything negative. I am positive about this medical situation maybe 90% of the time, but sometimes I get anxious, or frustrated, or confused and I don’t feel I can talk to anyone. My husband tells me “Don’t be frustrated, don’t get upset.” Not helpful.
J told me that I should find a friend who gets it and talk to her, and I actually do have one friend (in real life) who I talk to and I don’t have to be totally positive all the time with her.
J asked me how I get over my anxiety when it hits, and I can honestly say I don’t know. Last week I had a couple of drinks, but I don’t think getting anxious and having it go away are a conscious process.
We talked about whether I want attention from people, or I don’t. I said that I’m conflicted, on the one hand I am minimizing the surgery and recovery, and on the other hand I am offended when people don’t take it seriously.
I asked J how he would know if I had died, if I die. He said that if he didn’t hear from me or if I didn’t show up for a couple of weeks he would look online. I asked him if my obituary would be online and he said there is a website, legacy.com, that has the whole country’s obituaries. He said he would check after a couple of weeks because he would rather know sooner than later (I guess so he could fill my spot). He didn’t say he would call or email me to check, he would just look online if I didn’t show up for a while. Hmmm. That didn’t make me feel good at all.
And next week I am missing my appointment because I am meeting with the surgeon. But J didn’t suggest rescheduling, he only offers to reschedule if he needs to cancel. Whatever, I don’t feel particularly better after my session today anyway. I don’t understand the purpose of talking about all of this stuff. Like I told him, it doesn’t make me feel any better, and it doesn’t make me feel any worse. Maybe it’s just a waste of money.