Tag Archives: death

Aug 16 2011

Therapy Recap 8/16/11

I had a horrible night’s sleep last night, and a rushing around kind of morning, and I had no idea what I wanted to talk about in therapy today. Maybe my conversation with my mother, or the email my sister sent me (we currently do not have any communication) that said my mother told her that I am having a “procedure” and that she hopes it goes well.

But J asked me if there is anything new with the medical stuff. When you have cancer that is what you are expected to talk about, and really, there isn’t anything else. I wish there was.

I gave him the update on meeting with the kidney doctor and still not being able to have my MRI since the insurance company STILL has not approved it (rescheduled now for Thursday). We talked about how I get frustrated sometimes (insurance issues) and confused other times (trying to decide best course of treatment), and that I still don’t have all of the information, so it is hard to make a decision right now.

We also talked about my fear of illness, and how I am not afraid of dying (he had asked me if I am scared). I talked about what exactly I am afraid of when it comes to being sick and he asked me if, now that I have talked about it, I feel better. I said that, no, I don’t feel any better. He asked if I feel worse, and I said that no, I don’t feel any worse.

I told him about my conversation with my mother, and my sister’s email. And how people say if I have a positive attitude I will be cured, which makes me feel like I can’t ever say anything negative. I am positive about this medical situation maybe 90% of the time, but sometimes I get anxious, or frustrated, or confused and I don’t feel I can talk to anyone. My husband tells me “Don’t be frustrated, don’t get upset.” Not helpful.

J told me that I should find a friend who gets it and talk to her, and I actually do have one friend (in real life) who I talk to and I don’t have to be totally positive all the time with her.

J asked me how I get over my anxiety when it hits, and I can honestly say I don’t know. Last week I had a couple of drinks, but I don’t think getting anxious and having it go away are a conscious process.

We talked about whether I want attention from people, or I don’t. I said that I’m conflicted, on the one hand I am minimizing the surgery and recovery, and on the other hand I am offended when people don’t take it seriously.

I asked J how he would know if I had died, if I die. He said that if he didn’t hear from me or if I didn’t show up for a couple of weeks he would look online. I asked him if my obituary would be online and he said there is a website, legacy.com, that has the whole country’s obituaries. He said he would check after a couple of weeks because he would rather know sooner than later (I guess so he could fill my spot). He didn’t say he would call or email me to check, he would just look online if I didn’t show up for a while. Hmmm. That didn’t make me feel good at all.

And next week I am missing my appointment because I am meeting with the surgeon. But J didn’t suggest rescheduling, he only offers to reschedule if he needs to cancel. Whatever, I don’t feel particularly better after my session today anyway. I don’t understand the purpose of talking about all of this stuff. Like I told him, it doesn’t make me feel any better, and it doesn’t make me feel any worse. Maybe it’s just a waste of money.

Oct 7 2010

I’m Leaving On A Little Jet Plane

Tomorrow morning my husband and I are going to my daughter’s school for Parents Weekend. I am flying on an Embraer ERJ-170 jet, which is a 70 seat jet. This violates one of my rules of flying – I don’t fly on anything smaller than a 737. But United made a change in the “equipment” (does anyone else think that is a bizarre euphemism for aircraft?) and what is my choice? Stay home? Don’t see my daughter? So I will get on the little jet with my Xanax and my determination. You know what – life is easier to live when you are not afraid to die. I was afraid of dying for about 40 years, and that made me fear living. Ironic isn’t it?

It’s a shame to be afraid of death at an age when the chance of death is really so slim. Most children, teenagers and young adults die in accidents, not due to health related reasons, which is what I was most afraid of. Now that I am older I am more likely to die of a disease than an accident, but it’s ok. I don’t worry about it anymore, to tell you the truth sometimes I wish I would develop a fatal disease. It’s an easy out, compared to the “do-it-yourself” method. Much easier on the family and friends to die of a disease than suicide, right?

My sister’s dog died two days ago. I am currently not speaking to her, but I expressed my condolences on Facebook since she posted there about the event. My mother told me that a vet came to the house, and they took the dog to her favorite place in the backyard and sat under a tree. The vet explained to everyone, including the kids, what would transpire. Then she gave the dog an injection and she died very peacefully. The vet took her body to be cremated and she will return the ashes to my sister, who intends to bury them under the tree.

I would like that method of death please. How do I sign up?

Mar 1 2010

Long Time No Post

Working is definitely getting in the way of blogging – both writing and reading. There have been days when I was out for 12 hours, and unlike many days over the last couple of months those hours did not include sitting at Starbucks or Panera reading and writing. Right now I am focusing on fitness, nutrition, time management, and work, not necessarily in that order.

I’m feeling a lot more energized. The less time I have the less time I waste.

I don’t think about killing myself all of the time. I’m still waking up in the middle of the night a lot, and when I do I continue to get that sick feeling that I’ve been getting for the last year or so – crap, I’m still alive? I don’t like that. But during the day I’m really too busy to fantasize much about dying.

I am feeling a lot of anxiety about work, and how capable I am and whether I can get everything in, etc…. I guess that is to be expected. I’ve started major to do lists and calendars to stay on top of it all.

Tomorrow I see J. I’m thinking I should quit therapy. Maybe all I needed to feel better was a job. But maybe we can try again to figure out a way for me to help my son. Maybe I’m in a better frame of mind now. I don’t think I’ll see Parrot T anymore. I just don’t have the time or energy to start over with someone new. Not right now.

I’m sorry I haven’t been commenting on blogs. I try to skim them, but I really need to take some time and catch up.

Jan 29 2010

The Wild River

Today is the day I was supposed to meet my mother, my sister, and my sister’s friend for lunch and shopping. My mother already backed out, and yesterday my sister said she can’t go either. So it’s just me and her friend, L. L is the one who gets messages from dead people. Other than that, I like her, and she is easy to be with. I really need to get out more, so it should be good. I also went out to lunch with another friend yesterday, and that went well. I think know I spend too much time inside of my own head. I also haven’t been working enough hours, I need to work more. Especially now that I’ll be paying full price for therapy. Hopefully therapy will end soon. How do you know when it’s over anyway? My t once said that he works with people for an average of 6 months, and I’ve been going way longer than that.

Thank you for all of the kind wishes about my father. Yeah, I miss him.

I ran along a different part of the river yesterday. It’s the part with the rapids and waterfalls and it is really dangerous. There is a bridge built over the wildest section and I stood on that for a while. The water was so crazy it was making me dizzy. Here is a photo, I didn’t take this, but it shows the intensity pretty well:

river

I saw four people carrying rafts down to the water – I can’t believe anyone would raft in that ferocious water. And the water must be incredibly cold too. It was even too intense for me, I would not want to die that way. Not peaceful at all.

I’ve been thinking about how the act of suicide affects those left behind. I know someone whose mother committed suicide when she was teenager, and I’ve been doing some reading. Apparently, and judging by this person I know who is pretty screwed up, suicide of a parent or loved one has a lasting impact on the survivors. What isn’t fair, though, is that these people don’t generally show appreciation or gratitude for the suicidal person when she is alive. But after she is gone they get all fucked up. I guess one can’t really expect the people in one’s life to be constantly reassuring them that they are needed and valued though, especially when that person acts like nothing is ever wrong.

Jan 24 2010

Want To Hear What A Loser I Am?

I was trying to take a break from the blog over the weekend, but too many things are going on inside my brain. Want to hear about what a loser I am? Here are some search terms that people are using to find my blog:

I was a pathetic child
Painless and effective suicide methods
Is suicide painless
Can’t think of anything good about myself

By the way, although there are effective suicide methods, I would venture a guess that there are no painless suicide methods. However, living may be more painful than dying, so I would suggest weighing your pain level prior to attempting anything.

Want to hear how else I’m a loser? I talked to my mother last week and asked her if she would like to spend a day together. She suggested next Friday. We decided to go out with along with my sister, and my sister’s friend (the empathic one). Today my sister emailed me that she now has to see some clients on Friday, but she can squeeze in a quick lunch. My mother, however, would prefer to stay home and play cards with her friends.

What does it mean when my own mother doesn’t even want to spend with me?

Jan 14 2010

Bucket List Update

You’ll all be pleased to learn that I did go out and buy myself two new pairs of shoes yesterday. I also visited my foster child who I hadn’t seen a couple of weeks due to winter break and a little snow last week that forced his county to close schools. I didn’t visit him at home over winter break because I could not stand the thought of dealing with his foster mother. She is really awful and I try to avoid her as often as possible.

Then I went to work for a while. And today I have a new client to see. The therapist that I work for (not the one I wrote about here, who I feel the connection with, it’s a different therapist, I don’t know why I have this many therapists in my life actually) referred me to one of her patients. She told me that this patient needs help with organization due to lots of medical expenses and bills needing to be filed with her insurance company. She also told me that her patient has severe depression and is overweight. I’m not sure what those facts have to do with what I will be helping her with, but this is typical of this woman. She is always giving me too much information about her patients, and considering I live in the same town as some of them, and my daughter goes to school with a couple of them, well, it seems inappropriate.

I did talk to the new client on the phone last week, and one of the first things she told me is that she is in counseling for depression. I guess this is a big part of her life right now, and I appreciate her openness about it. She sounds very nice and I’m looking forward to meeting her. I didn’t get that “click” like I got with my last client, but I know that’s rare.

I guess it’s time to do a Bucket List update, since yesterday was the 13th. Here’s the list:

1. Save someone’s life – fail

This was a really ambitious goal, and I don’t think I’ll ever get this one. Unless someone is choking and I happen to remember how to do the Heimlich.

2. Learn to take a compliment – in progress

I think I am getting better at this. Instead of denying or making excuses for whatever the person is complimenting me on, I just shut up and think the things in my head. That’s progress.

3. Eat whatever I want for a whole day and don’t write down any of it – unsure

I did go through a period of time recently when I wasn’t writing down my food, but I also wasn’t eating everything I wanted. At this point I don’t even know what kind of food I really want, because anything that most people would want (pizza, ice cream) I can’t even imagine eating. So I’m not sure where I stand with this.

4. Connect with xxxx (old friend/boyfriend) – complete

I did do this, we had email communication last summer. He hadn’t changed a bit in the last 25 years, which actually doesn’t say anything positive about him. He still can’t commit, and he is still confused about his sexuality. No one else is confused about it, just him. We talked about getting together, but then he never followed up, and I didn’t even care. So I can cross this off.

5. Have jury duty – fail

I called the jury office and told the woman who answered that I want to sit on a jury. She looked me up and said I haven’t been called since 1997, which is true. I asked if she could bump me up to the top of the list, but she said no. With all of the people out there who don’t want to be called for jury duty I don’t understand why they wouldn’t call me, I want to do it.

6. Swim a mile – all at once – fail

I definitely did not accomplish this. Not even close. I was thinking of doing a sprint triathlon for about 5 seconds, then I remembered I would most likely drown. If I am going to complete this goal I’m going to have to use an indoor pool and practice every day. I don’t know if I have the motivation for that, and is it even worth it?

7. Eat local for a week – in progress

This is on the calendar for spring, there isn’t much local here right now.

8. Spend a week with Habitat for Humanity in the Gulf Coast – unsure

I really want to do this. I checked out the website last week, I have to make the commitment to do it, I’m not sure what’s holding me back.

9. Get to know a local farmer – complete

I did this. I had email correspondence with a local farmer and I plan to buy some things from his farm in the spring. I also got to know some local farmers at the farmers market, and I recently signed up for chicken and egg delivery from a local farm, which starts in April. Apparently we don’t have chicken and egg production in the winter here, it’s too cold. Chickens in factories don’t have weather issues.

10. Parasail – fail

This was a total bust. I wanted to do it last summer, but my daughter wouldn’t go with me because she was afraid I’d panic. Which I probably would have. Now I don’t even want to do it anymore. Is it ok to take something off the bucket list?

11. Learn to golf – complete

I did this. I took lessons in September. I hated it, and I plan to never golf again. I was really looking forward to getting some cute golf clothes, but it’s not going to happen.

12. Compost – in progress

I did a lot of research into composting last summer, and I need to get my act together and start doing something about this. No excuses for not following through on this, just lazy and procrastinating.

13. Drive a Porsche – unsure

I haven’t done this. A couple of years ago my husband looked into renting me a Porsche for my birthday, but there was a three day minimum and it was about $500 a day. He told me we could go to the Porsche dealership and test drive a car, but I didn’t think that was honest. The guy who does my hair told me that the next time he buys a Porsche (he buys new cars all of the time) he would let me drive it, but he hasn’t gotten one yet. A lot of people here where I live have Porsches, I just need to get to know some of them.

So to tally it all up:

Completed – 3
In Progress – 3
Failure – 4
Unsure – 3

But to be fair, one of the failures is not exactly my fault. I can’t force the county to call me to jury duty, and I did try. Only completing three of the items isn’t a really stellar effort. I need to get to work on these.

Sep 3 2009

S****** Ideation

I have a real fixation lately with suicide. I hate using the word because people are finding my blog by googling suicide. But there isn’t another word that works. I’m reading Steppenwolf, I got intrigued when I read Pete’s post here. I never read this book when I was in high school or college, I must have missed the whole Hesse scene. And most of the movies in my Netflix queue are about death and suicide and mental illness. Today I watched “The Hours”, which was a fascinating movie that I really enjoyed, but it was tragic. I just can’t get death/suicide/dying out of my head. Is this what ideation means?

And tonight was back to school night for my daughter who is a senior in high school. In her English class they will be reading Camus, and Kafka – a whole existential unit, or as it is written on the course outline “Search for meaning”. I thought, “What a waste for her.” I definitely wasn’t into that in high school. My college friends were obsessed with Kafka, and I read some of his writings. It didn’t do much for me then. But now! I plan to read all of the books she’ll be reading, and I’m sure I’ll appreciate them much more than she will.

I found a yahoo group for people over the age of 30 who self harm. I really need one for people over the age of 40, but I’ll take what I can get. I applied for membership – I wonder what the criteria are. I’ve found forums for SI, but they are generally populated with teens and young 20’s. I really wonder how many people in their 40’s and 50’s SI. I would think not many – people my age use other coping mechanisms. We’re old enough to drink legally, and we have enough money to buy drugs. And we can have affairs, or lots of casual sex.

I don’t drink much anymore, maybe one or two drinks a week. I bought a bottle of wine yesterday, poured myself a glass, and didn’t even finish it. You know why? Too many calories! The only time I drink in excess these days is as a precursor to SI. When I get out the vodka + klonopin I know the razor blade isn’t far behind. Luckily this only happens every 3 months or so.

As for drugs, I did love my cocaine back in my 20’s. I quit when Len Bias died. You young guys probably never heard of him. I never heard of him until he died. He was about my age, well maybe three years younger than me, and lived nearby and was a good basketball player who was drafted to play professionally, but died of a cocaine overdose before he could start doing that. It freaked me out and I never did drugs again. Now I avoid drugs because I wouldn’t know where to get them (I don’t even know if people still do cocaine – is it only crack nowadays?), and my husband might get suspicious if large chunks of money are missing from the checking account.

So not much drinking, and no drugs. Definitely no affairs, I would never cheat on my husband. What unacceptable, maladaptive coping mechanism is left? Self injury.

Sep 1 2009

Therapy Recap 9/1/09

I don’t even feel like talking about therapy today. When I got there J asked if I wanted to talk about the hotline or cutting. I asked if those were the only two choices, and he said, “Or something else.” The whole thing from last week was like no big deal to him. I really blow things out of proportion and worry about them all week, and to him it’s a little blip on the radar screen and he moves on. I need to learn from him.

We talked about the hotline, and cutting, and how everything has been so intense for me lately, and about my fantasy of being dead, which I refuse to label “suicide ideation.” So all day today I’ve been thinking about SI, and ideating like crazy, and it’s making me feel crazy. When I drive around I have these fantasies – for example, today I was visualizing my mother getting the phone call saying I died, and she asks how I died, and whoever it is on the phone tells her I committed suicide. And I was crying in the car.

I’ve cried more than once today. I keep thinking about the broken dolls and the little girl with the bandaids on her knees in the slideshow I made. Oh, and J said he got the DVD with the slideshow, but he didn’t get it until yesterday since he was in his other office and his computer wouldn’t play it so he has to bring it home and watch it on his DVD player and his TV.

Everything has been too intense. I told J that, and he said it can’t be intense all the time because intense is relative. I don’t know, it feels intense all the time. I need a way to numb the intensity – something constructive. Not SI, not drinking, not klonopin. If anyone has any suggestions for how I can decrease this intensity I would love to hear them.

And I had my root canal yesterday, but the dentist couldn’t complete it because the tooth is still partially infected, so I have to go back in two weeks. Meanwhile it is hurting pretty badly, and I’m taking a ton of Advil. A friend gave me some tylenol with codeine to take tonight so I can sleep, last night the pain woke me up at 4am.

Aug 30 2009

The Intensity Continues

Remember how I said things have been intense lately? Well, last night I had to walk out of a movie. We went to see District 9, I heard good things about it. It was so disturbing to me though. I couldn’t handle the way the aliens were being treated, and when the main character was in the research hospital and they forced him to use the alien weapons it was too much for me. I had to leave. My son said it got better for the aliens after that, but I didn’t want to stick around and find out.

So, yeah, that’s bizarre. I know aliens aren’t real. But if you were to see this movie you’d understand. The filmmakers make them real, and they were real to me. Not like schizophrenic real, but real in my heart. Hard to explain.

Then today we went to a memorial service. A friend of ours had a brother who committed suicide earlier this month. I didn’t know him, I’ve never met him but it was very emotional, I was crying. Seeing the family at this service, watching the faces of his parents, who are approaching 90 years old, well, let’s just say I could definitely see the impact suicide makes on the survivors. Can I do that to people I love? I’m beginning to question myself.

Jul 19 2009

My Box

I was reading a novel yesterday and the main character had a box hidden in the attic. It was full of money, fake ids, passports, credit cards, etc. He said he felt safe knowing that the box was there in case he needed to make a quick escape from his life.

That’s what it feels like to have a suicide plan. The more details I put into my plan the safer I feel. I don’t know if I’d ever be brave enough to go through with it, and there are some things that I just can’t get over. I know that children who have had parents who committed suicide are left with irreparable wounds. I know someone directly who was affected by her mother’s suicide. So no matter how much I try to convince myself that everyone in my life would be better off without me, I can’t get past the fact that I could be ruining two people’s lives by my action.

But it’s a comfort to know that I have a plan in case I ever need it. It’s my box hidden in the attic.