Yesterday morning I was in a really bad mood. It was April 13 – one month until my birthday. I was feeling really down about not getting “better” – my goal was to feel better by my birthday. I’ve been therapy for 1 1/2 years or so? Am I getting better? I don’t think so.
On Monday I had decided to invite everyone to my house for Mother’s Day (May 9th in the US). Mother’s Day is always difficult – we have to juggle two families, the holiday itself, my son’s birthday and my birthday. I don’t like to combine my family and my husband’s family because they don’t really get along, but it’s hard to split the day and go from one family to the other. It’s great that both my husband and I have caring mothers, judgmental as they may be, and close families. But logistically it’s difficult sometimes.
So I emailed everyone, and immediately got replies from my mother, sister and aunt. Of course. My husband’s family? Nothing. Still haven’t heard. I called his mother last night to talk to her about it directly. She asked if I talked to S and A yet – my sister in laws. I said that I emailed them. She said, well we can talk about it on Sunday. Talk about it? What’s to talk about? You either come or you don’t. But that is how they are. They have to consult amongst themselves before they will commit.
Then there is my mother – the ESTJ. “ESTJs thrive on order and continuity. Being extraverted, their focus involves organization of people, which translates into supervision.”
She calls me up on Monday to tell me what we will make, what we will buy, when we will do all the work, that she will come over the night before and help. I’m not even in that mode yet! I just invited everyone, I’m not planning anything yet. I don’t even know who is coming. But I went along with her, because now that I understand the ESTJ mentality (psychosis is better term) I know that I just have to go along with what she says. For now anyway.
Then yesterday morning my sister calls. She says “I talked to Mom about Mother’s Day. She says we need cakes. A cake for A (my son), a cake for you, a cake for Mother’s Day.” I say, “We don’t need any cakes.” (I always make myself a red velvet cake for my birthday, and I love to bake, so any cakes will be made by me!) She said my mother was telling her to make cakes. I said, “We don’t need any cakes!” She said, “Well mom says we need cakes.” I yelled, and I mean yelled, “WE DON’T NEED ANY CAKES!” I was losing it.
But my sister is clueless. She had no idea I was getting angry. She started to laugh. “Yeah, mom says we need cakes. You really opened a can of worms, didn’t you?” I said, “I have to go get in the shower.” She replies, “Well it’s 53 degrees and it’s supposed to rain later!” I don’t need a personal fucking meteorologist too, thank you very much.
Last night my son asks me, “Who were you yelling at this morning?” I told him it was Aunt A. I said I was mad at her, but she couldn’t tell. He said, “I could tell and I was in the other room.” Yeah, she is so clueless.
I have often felt this rage towards my sister. I used to yell at her really badly when we were kids. I haven’t felt it in a while though, and I’m sure it wasn’t really directed at her. It’s me and my frustration about everything. Stressed out right now.
And I had a terrible night. I couldn’t sleep at all. That usually happens after unfulfilling therapy sessions. I wonder what I really wanted out of the session. I think I wanted J to help me figure out what exactly is weird about me, so that I can either come to grips with it or change. But he says he doesn’t think I’m weird. That’s very nice, but a lot of people have said otherwise. Yes, come right out and said it. The word “weird”. Nicer ones have used terms like my “idiosyncrasies” or “differences”. Some use phrases like, “No one has ever said that before” or “it’s never bothered anyone else before”.
Now that I think about it J himself has told me things like this. Of course I write about every session so I can go back and read my notes. He has said he says or does things in my sessions that he doesn’t do or say with others. And that my anxiety in therapy is very unlike his other clients who feel very safe and comfortable there. And I’m the only one who has ever told him that he is intimidating.
Do those things make me weird? No, of course not. But this shows that there seem to be differences between me and “most” people, at least in this situation. And is it that uncommon for a person to compare themselves to “most” people? I think it’s pretty common. So maybe he was telling me the truth when he said he doesn’t think I’m weird, but I didn’t ask him if he thinks I’m different.
A couple of times I said, “Don’t you think I should just accept the fact that I’m weird and learn to live with it somehow?” But he just kept on trying to convince me that I’m not weird. I don’t know what to think now.