Tag Archives: eating

Nov 1 2011

Therapy Recap 11/1/11

I really didn’t know what to talk about today, some things went on this week, but I didn’t want to talk about my week, because I hate doing that. Luckily J led the session (usually when I have something to talk about he leads, and when I don’t have anything to talk about he expects me to lead. But this time it worked out.) We started with how I am feeling, talked about that for a while, then we got into an argument (Evan – that one’s for you!) J asked me how I feel compared to how I felt before surgery and I said “About 50%.” J said, “That’s very pessimistic.” Then I got pissed. He has used that word before and I guess I was finally fed up with it. I said that I don’t appreciate being called pessimistic, and what number would he have liked me to give him that wouldn’t be pessimistic. 75%? 90%? He said it was just his opinion, and I said, “I don’t want your opinion” and he said “So what are we doing here?” I said when I ask for your opinion you say you can’t tell me what to do, but you’ll just give your opinion unasked. He said there is a difference between advice and opinion. I told him that my son’s therapist used to say I was pessimistic, he would say the most outlandish things and I would say that would never happen, and he would always say I was pessimistic. I told J that I thought it was a judgmental word.

He said he was sorry if he triggered a hot button for me in regards to my son’s therapist. I said why couldn’t he say something like “That’s a more negative answer than I would have expected.” So he said, “That is a more negative answer that I would have expected.” He said it was just semantics and he doesn’t want to argue with me. That perhaps it was a matter of perception rather pessimism.

We somehow moved on from there, and talked more about how I feeling, and what I am using to judge progress, and I said that frankly I can’t really remember what I felt like before the surgery. But I do feel better than I did a couple of weeks ago, so maybe then I felt 25% of how I was before, and now I am 50%, so I am actually being optimistic.

He asked me how often I think about how I am feeling physically. He always asks me questions like that – I guess he wants to know if I am ruminating so that he can suggest mindfulness again. I told him that I am not thinking about the physical stuff much, more about the relationship stuff. I told him that my sister called me, and that was weird, and my aunt hasn’t called me, she also has not come to visit even though she said she would about five times, and about what my son said when we went out to dinner. I asked how so many people in a family can be dysfunctional and he said “Because they are related.” Later I realized that they are not all related, not by blood anyway.

I talked a lot about my new diet, and how good it makes me feel, how happy I feel now that my diet meshes with my values. That I wanted to do this about 5 years ago, but couldn’t do it because I thought it was too hard. But I guess the health problem was the impetus to really do it now. And how people can’t say anything to me about it being abnormal or bizarre because I am doing it for health reasons. Before I had a very healthy diet, and I did get comments frequently about how I ate. That has basically stopped. How can anyone tell me what to eat if I had cancer? I told J that I tell everyone I am eating this way for my health, but since I have been doing so much reading and watching movies, I believe that I am continuing to eat this way for ethical reasons. I said that I can’t really talk to anyone about that, because people tend to feel threatened, and think that I am implying that I am better than them. Which is totally untrue. I don’t care what other people eat.

I told J that if I asked anyone they would agree that animals should not be kept in tiny cages or pens, they should not be force fed grain that is not their normal diet, and they shouldn’t be treated inhumanely, especially at the slaughterhouse. But people take that information and put it somewhere, so that they can eat what they like to eat. I did it, everyone does it. I said that even though I was one of those people I don’t really understand it. J talked about slavery, and how everyone thought treating a certain race of people inhumanely was fine, and if you didn’t want slaves that you were outside of the norm. But eventually people became enlightened. I have heard animal rights activists compare the way we treat animals with the way we treated slaves decades ago. Not that they are comparing people with animals, more the mindset and the group mentality of what is normal.

Then we talked about how changing my diet is an accomplishment, and do I feel that way? Because I couldn’t do it the first time I tried, and now I can. He also talked about my running as an accomplishment, and he really wants me to see that I have accomplished these things.

At the end of the session J asked me what I thought of the session. I said I thought it was good, did he think there was something wrong? He said that he doesn’t think anything is wrong, he actually thought it was good that we were able to go from having a misunderstanding to having a productive session. He liked that when he said something that made me angry I was able to talk about it right away. I said that yes, normally I would ruminate it about it all week and send him an email, or try to talk about it the next week. But he has used the “pessimistic” word a few times lately and it bothered me but I didn’t say anything. Today I guess I just got fed up. I apologized for responding angrily, but it didn’t seem to bother him. He liked that I was able to respond in the moment. I didn’t like arguing with him, or being angry, but I guess by talking about it right then I was able to move on.

He also said that he thinks that pessimistic isn’t the word he really should be using. That pessimism refers more to things in the future, and I told him that my doctor said to me “How long do you think you’ll be able to keep up this diet?” That, to me, is a pessimistic attitude, and J agreed. He apologized for using the word, and said that he didn’t even use it in the correct grammatical sense.

So anyway, that was it. We didn’t have to talk about my week, but I was able to bring up a couple of things that were bothering me during the week, and yet not focus on those little things, working more on the deeper issues. And I guess it is an accomplishment that I was able to respond in the moment when J made me angry, and that rarely, if ever, happens.

May 31 2011

Therapy Recap 5/31/11

J got a new couch. At first I just noticed the new pillows, then when I sat down I was looking at the couch and he told me he got a new one. Guess what color it is? Beige! I wonder if therapists go to a special store to buy beige couches?

We talked about the food issue again, and I told J that I was obsessing about food and exercise. I said that I know what I am doing is ridiculous, why do I need to weigh myself so much, why do I need to weigh myself before I go to bed? There isn’t anything I can do about it. I told him about how I have been reading about other people doing this “Intuitive Eating” thing, but I can’t trust my intuition. I went out with my son the other night, and I thought I wasn’t hungry, but then I thought maybe I am just convincing myself that I am not hungry. I can’t tell anything anymore, and I don’t know what a “normal” meal is. We talked about normal, and I said that apparently the “normal” American meal isn’t such a healthy choice. I asked him what was wrong with ordering a salad with grilled salmon with the dressing on the side, and he said there is nothing wrong with it.

I told him about how I have been thinking lately that women don’t ever talk about their weights. That I think every woman weighs 120 pounds, unless they are really little, then they weigh 110. But I see the women on the biggest loser who look great and weigh in the 150’s, and my cousin when she was in the hospital told the nurses that she weighed 150 and I thought that seemed way too high, she seems like a little thing to me, and a woman who’s blog I read who lost 100 pounds and reached her goal weight of 162 at Weight Watchers. I said it is really surprising to me that women who look good weigh more than 120 pounds. He asked me what would happen if I was at a place like Weight Watchers where you have to weigh yourself in public, and I set him straight about that! I told him that all weights are private, you step on the scale and the number is behind the counter and they write it in your booklet. Weight is a big secret in our society.

I told him about a restaurant I went to for lunch a couple of weeks ago and I was looking at what everyone was eating. Every woman was eating a salad with the dressing on the side, and every man was eating a burger, fries, crabcake sandwiches, etc. He asked me if the women were thin and the men were portly, and I said I didn’t even notice their body types, just what they were eating. Can’t women eat burgers and fries? I can’t – that would be my whole calorie allowance for the day and I wouldn’t be able to eat anything else.

J asked if I could go a day without weighing myself, and I said that I did that once last year, and I didn’t eat much all day because I knew I couldn’t weigh myself the next day, so I had to be careful. Logically I know that is ridiculous. I should just eat the way I eat, the scale doesn’t affect anything.

We talked about how my mood for the day depends on the number on the scale. I said, how else can I judge myself each day if not using weight? He said I don’t need to be judging myself first of all, and how about using different criteria – how I am as a person for example.

Somehow we got onto the subject of if I can relax at the beach, and I said I could. J asked if I could sit on the beach and think my life is good. I asked him if that is his definition of relaxing, because if it is, then, no, I cannot relax. We got back onto the subject of my life not being good, and he asked me again, for the millionth time, about the things that are good and not good. The not good things are the relationship with my husband, my lack of a career, my self esteem issues and never feeling good enough. The good things are my health, my family’s health, my friends, security, living in a safe place, etc.

He asked what would make it better, and I said if I lost 20 pounds right now I would feel better. Of course I know that is ridiculous, and we did talk about what would happen if I lost 4 more pounds, would I want to lose 2 more pounds, and then 2 more after that. I said that if my marriage either gets better or ends, life would be better than it is now. As for the career, I don’t know what I can do about that.

We talked about my dinner with my husband last weekend and how I ate a regular meal, and asked him the question I was supposed to ask. I told J that my husband seemed happy when I told him about the health coach telling me I should go out for a real meal, and that when I asked him about the retirement plan he answered me and answered both of my questions. J said that he was surprised, because based on what I have told him he didn’t think my husband would want to go out with me in the first place, and wouldn’t want to talk about finances. He asked me if I think my husband likes me, and I said that I think he does, and I like him.

J wanted me to ask my husband some more about the retirement details, and I said I don’t really worry about it because I don’t really plan to live that long. He asked me if I plan to die by suicide, and I said I don’t know, maybe. But I told him not to worry, I don’t plan on doing anything today. I really didn’t want to get into the whole thing about getting sick, getting old, etc. That is another can of worms that I couldn’t deal with opening today.

Now J wants me to go out for another regular meal with my husband and talk to him about how I am dissatisfied with my lack of a career and accomplishments. I expressed doubt that my husband would be much interested in this topic, but I said that I would do it, just so I could tell J how my husband reacts.

He asked what would make my marriage better and I said that if we had anything in common, if we liked to do things together, if he listens to me and remembers what I say, if he doesn’t walk out of the room when I am in the middle of telling him something, that would make it better. J said it is like my husband and I have parallel lives, which is true.

Towards the end of the session I got the feeling that J was getting frustrated with me. He was talking about something about how I use the eating and exercising to keep myself in this limbo of never being good enough, and when he paused I said, “Are you mad at me?” He said no, and I said, “Why are you sitting like that?” He had his legs crossed and his arms crossed, and he never sits like that. He said some bullshit thing about being cold, which is ridiculous, because I am always the one who is cold, and I was not cold, I was actually a bit warm probably due to it being 95 degrees out, and he never turns the a/c way down because he knows I get cold.

I guess I am frustrating to him, because I see everything intellectually, but I can’t behave the way my mind is telling me I should. I didn’t really think much about the session this afternoon, but this evening I am feeling down. I am watching the documentary “How To Die In Oregon”, about terminally ill people in Oregon who choose assisted suicide to end their lives. Oregon was the first state to legalize this (there are only two others). It is very sad that there are people out there who are dying and they don’t want to die. And I was reading a clothing catalog from Athleta, full of young, toned, thin women playing beach volleyball in bikinis and doing headstands in halter tops, and it just made me feel kind of sick. I know it seems vain, to not want to get old or sick, to have the body I had 20 years ago. But I think it is more than that.

I read an article in the newspaper this weekend about middle aged women and how their lives are better than they were when they were younger because they have self confidence and so many accomplishments. I wish I could be one of those, but instead my confidence gets worse and worse as I get older. Maybe because I don’t have those accomplishments, and I don’t have much purpose. I’m just down right now. Sometimes I hate therapy.

May 19 2011

A Conversation With My Husband

“The health coach told me that I should go out to dinner and eat a normal meal.”
“Great! By yourself or with someone?”
“With friends or family.”
“OK, do you want to go Friday or Saturday? Did she give a suggestion as to where to go?”
“I think Saturday would be good, since I’m running five miles in the morning. And she didn’t suggest a particular place. She also didn’t tell me what a normal meal is. If I put chicken on my salad would that be a normal meal?”
“Don’t get a salad.”
“Can I get one of those little salads before my main meal?”
“Sure, that would be fine.”

Other goals my health coach and I came up with for the next two weeks:

Organize part of my basement
Make the Thai Quinoa recipe (already did!)
Have dinner with my husband and ask him about the IRA or 401K (repeat from last time since I never did it)
Do this dialogue thing she told me about, where I talk to a problem
Strength training two times per week (bought some workout DVDs yesterday!)
Have a “stress free” meal two times per week (don’t think I can do this, I’m aiming for one time per week)
Go out for a meal with friends or family two times per week
Exercise one time per week just for fun
Get some digestive enzymes and buy more probiotics since I ran out and never got more

May 10 2011

Therapy Recap 5/10/11

Today at therapy I talked to J about the goals that I worked out with the health coach. He and I haven’t talked much about the food issue, but he has gotten the idea because body image stuff has come up in the past, and the exercise issue has been discussed a little.

I told him that I did the filing (yay!), I’m getting my nails done Thursday night, I made the Moo Shu vegetables (Sunday and today), I’m working on eliminating distractions while I eat dinner and making dinner last 15 minutes. I also told him that I am supposed to go out with my husband and ask him about our retirement account, and go out with friends and eat “without concern.”

We talked for a while about being mindful about eating, and that the health coach told me to think about where my food comes from. This is a problem for me, because I start to think about where it comes from, and I picture my vegetables growing in a field, being harvested by migrant workers who live in tents and have hungry children that they can’t afford to feed, or cows in factory dairy farms being milked every day to make cheese, and food being trucked and flown into my city, using up valuable oil and natural resources, etc etc. He told me to try to think of a strawberry growing happily in the sun, and leave it at that. Don’t start to think about poor Jorge in Mexico with his starving children.

I told him that next month I am supposed to exercise “for fun” once a week, and I don’t even know what that means. I came up with the idea to walk with friends. I never do this because none of my friends can walk as fast as I can (I happen to be tall with long legs, not that I am particulary athletic), but I said that walking slow wouldn’t even be considered exercise. J assured me that it is still exercise.

Then we talked about my dinner tomorrow night with my friends, and how I plan to order a salad with the dressing on it. I said that I don’t think I will enjoy it, and he said that I shouldn’t order that if I won’t enjoy it, I need to do something that I will enjoy. He suggested ordering the usual salad with the dressing on the side, and then ordering dessert, since it is my birthday dinner, and eating three bites, sharing it with my friends. I think I can do that.

He did say one weird thing – that I deserve to have something that I will enjoy. Not sure what deserving has to do with food, and I doubt he would tell me that if I was overweight.

It all comes down to how I am too hard on myself. I am like this in all areas of my life, so why would food and exercise be any different? It’s all part of the package, and it takes a lot of work to change this.

I had this idea that I do this to myself to avoid being hurt by other people. No one can hurt me as badly as I can hurt myself. Does that even make sense?

May 3 2011

The Holistic Health Coach

I met with the holistic health coach last night. At first I thought that she was talking to me on an elementary level, but as she got to know me and my level of knowledge she adjusted, which I really appreciated. I suppose she gets a variety of clients, some overweight, some underweight, some not concerned about weight, some with a great deal of knowledge about nutrition, some not so much, etc.

We talked about what I would like get out of this process, and after she explained her philosophy I was able to articulate some goals. She talked about the synergy between food, eating, spirituality, emotions, and one’s life in general. I started to talk about how my food issues are interfering with my relationships, I don’t see friends because I don’t want to go out to eat. People think I’m weird because I bring my own food, etc.

I also expressed my frustration about my age and not being able to take in many calories. She suggested the first thing I do is get a complete blood workup. So I will do that, as soon as I find a doctor. My doctor stopped taking insurance at the beginning of the year, and I have gotten a lot of referrals from friends, but none of these doctors are taking new patients. It is very frustrating.

I did not talk about my mental health issues, or my therapy or meds. I might in the future though, it’s just that I hardly know this woman. I did tell her that I gained a lot of weight on zoloft, and that is what started my difficulties with food. She asked how my moods are now, and I said they are fine. (Lie.)

I told her that I would like to eat a piece of pizza every now and then. Or some ice cream. How I am afraid to eat these things, and the reasons why. She explained about the 90/10 percentage of eating. 90% good stuff, 10% anything else. I told her that is scary to me, and she said that is fine. I asked her if she was going to tell me not to weigh myself three times a day, or write down everything I eat, or all of my exercise and time and distance. She said she would not tell me to stop doing those things, but I might want to stop on my own at some point as I get more comfortable with food.

So we worked out some general thoughts – body (weight, fitness, body fat, endurance) and emotional issues (attitudes toward food, relationships). I hired her for a three month period (it’s more expensive than therapy!), and I will meet with her every two weeks, with contact in between and lots of reading and handouts. She recommended a book called Women Food & God by Geneen Roth, so I might check it out.

Our first meeting will be tomorrow night.

I was afraid to tell my husband that I did this because I thought he would laugh at me. His first response was a chuckle, but I told him that she is going to help me eat more, and be able to eat pizza, and he got very serious and said he thought that would be good for me. He said he doesn’t understand why I can’t eat very much since I exercise a lot, and I told him I am going to see a doctor to be sure everything is normal. This does happen in middle age, so it could be perfectly normal, but it can’t hurt to get it checked out.

Maybe having a normal relationship with food with help me have a better relationship with my husband?

Oct 1 2010

A Hard Decision

As you know I am a court appointed advocate for a foster child. I began working with him in June 2006 when he was 12. In this time he has lived in four different foster homes, ranging from mediocre to practically abusive. All he ever wanted was to go back to his “mom” – the woman he lived with until he was 7. For some reason she never adopted him, and he was removed from her home due to neglect and emotional abuse. Later there were allegations of sexual abuse from the woman’s adopted daughter, who is 2 years older than him.

This is a very frustrating job. He has a social worker and a case manager along with various other mental health professionals and an assortment of attorneys. He has a guardianship hearing twice a year and we never seem to have the same judge twice. I am never informed about anything, everything that goes on his life I find out by accident. I make recommendations that are ignored, I ask questions and no one gets back to me. I write long court reports that are never read. My child has never lived in my county in any of these homes, he has lived between 30 and 50 miles away, and I have visited him pretty consistently every week over the last four years.

The frustration has been growing. I don’t feel that I do anything for him; I feel that I am extraneous. The one thing I have been is a constant presence, while the social workers, case managers, attorneys, therapists, doctors and families come and go, I have been there. That is really all I could ever offer him. My supervisor tries to convince me of my value, but I know that is her job.

In August he moved back in with his “mom”. He is so happy now. I have only seen him twice since he moved, which is another frustration. His foster mother, his high school schedule, his social life, all have made it very difficult to see him. I came to a soccer game that he was playing in two weeks ago.

Finally tonight I had an appointment to visit him at home. I drove an hour and a half in rush hour traffic to see him. I got to his house and he wasn’t there. His “grandmother” told me that his soccer game from last night was canceled and rescheduled for tonight. I called his foster mother and she told me that they are at the high school. So I drove over there and there she was, happy as a clam. She told me that she found out last night about the game today, and “I didn’t even think about you girl!” That’s ok, this is not the first time this has happened. I can’t even tell you how many times I have driven 50 miles to see him and he is not where he is supposed to be and I was not informed of a change of plans. I am used to it and I don’t take it personally.

But the frustration is getting to me, and I think it is time to throw in the towel. I swore I would not leave my child until he turned 18, and I never would have left him if he was in one of the previous three homes. But he is finally with his “mom”, he is happy, he even introduced us to his girlfriend at the game tonight. He is doing well in school, taking college courses in 11th grade. I emailed my supervisor saying that I would like to talk to her about resigning.

I don’t feel good about this though. I made a commitment, and I hate to back out. Granted when I made that commitment I wasn’t working nearly as many hours as I am now, but that is just an excuse. Plenty of people who work full time are advocates. I am angry at myself for not being to stick this out for two more years. I really do think my frustration will be detrimental at this point though. I know my supervisor will try to talk me out of it; she will try to convince me yet again of my importance. Frankly I don’t think he even needs an advocate anymore, especially since no one involved in the case takes the job of the advocate seriously. And it is the social worker who requests that the child have an advocate, yet she is the one who totally ignores me. Of course, it was four social workers ago that the advocate was requested.

Now I think I am punishing myself. I came home, and I was really hungry. But I got on the scale and I reached the weight I think is my limit for the day, since I ate too much earlier in the day. So I made a low calorie/high protein dinner that did little to dissipate my hunger. I told myself I could have one glass of wine, but I’m not even having that. I’ve gotten into the habit of having one or two (or three) glasses of wine a night, and I don’t want drinking to be a habit.

And my training schedule calls for me to run 7 miles tomorrow morning, so it is a good thing not to be drinking tonight. But I really think I am doing it to punish myself. This is just another example of me not being good enough. And being selfish. A real pity party here, want to come? I don’t advise that you do, it’s not much fun.

Aug 5 2010

Mindfulness Again

Not feeling very well. And I’m gaining weight. I don’t understand it, I’m really watching my calories. I had 1400 calories today – and I even counted the stuff I don’t normally count that really adds up, the sweetened iced tea, the chocolate candy, the red bull energy shot, the margarita. And I gained 2 pounds. I feel sick. I have to starve myself to lose weight. I’ve gained 9 pounds since last summer, and I felt great last summer. Something has to change.

The drinking seems to be somewhat out of control. This morning I didn’t feel very well when I got up due to the excess of wine last night, and I swore I wouldn’t drink today. But the first thing I did when I got home was to pour myself a margarita. Getting on the scale tonight is definitely a deterrent to drinking any more this evening!

I started running again this week. Well, I ran once this week – Tuesday morning. I was going to run tonight, but we had thunderstorms. So maybe tomorrow morning. I’m only doing 20 minutes, and at a 2/1 run/walk ratio (2 minutes run/1 minute walk). Maybe I’ll go on a long bike ride this weekend. Not burning enough calories.

I went to Best Buy to get some videos. Guess what I got? The Bourne Ultimatum, The Wrestler, and Along Came Polly. Two depressing, one funny. And I’m doing my 5 minutes of listening to mindfulness for every 20 minutes of Jason Bourne.

So about this mindfulness stuff. I have already told J that I need to keep my mind going in order to avoid the intrusive thoughts. He doesn’t understand. On the mindfulness audio, it says I should notice my thoughts without judgment. He doesn’t understand me either. Examples he gives of thoughts that may jump into a person’s head are “My husband and I had a terrible argument last night.” Or “I better work on that presentation or my boss will be angry.”

He doesn’t talk about what to do about thoughts that jump into my head like, “Oh yes I’m washing this knife, and I can pick it up and stab myself in the heart right now. Or stab my kids in their hearts.” Or “I need to go put hamsters down the garbage disposal and turn it on.” How about those Jon Kabat Zinn? What do you have to say about those kinds of thoughts? Still non-judgmental? Ha!

I’m trying not to dwell on the fact that my daughter is leaving in 15 days. I’m trying to stay in the present, not think about what it will be like around here without her. Not to think about the fact that my kids are adults now, that I am aging and entering a new stage of my life, that my job is just about finished, that I really don’t have a function anymore. I’m seriously trying not to ruminate about these things, to stay mindful of what is happening minute to minute. I really am trying.

But you know what? You know what, Jon Kabat Zinn? Even though I’m not thinking about those things, they still exist! How about that!!! They are now in my sub-conscious. They don’t go away. And I can be as mindful as you, but those things are all festering below the surface. And I’m watching depressing movies, and listening to depressing music, and drinking, and crying for what seems like no reason. What do you have to say about that Jon Kabat Zinn?

Jan 20 2010

Continuing From Yesterday

I’ve been swinging wildly between believing 100% that J is lying to me, to believing 100% that he is telling the truth and that there is another explanation, to everywhere in the middle. This is not helpful, it is not doing me any good to think about this. I will never know the truth, even if I come right out and ask him, I still won’t know. So I have to make the decision as to whether I am going to move on regardless of the truth. The truth is a moot point right now.

It was not a great night. I called in sick to my PTA meeting. I hate those things anyway, but I am the Vice President, so I am kind of obligated to go. I ate a cupcake! Remember my cupcake post from back in the fall? I bought a cupcake at the cupcake bakery yesterday – salted caramel. There was a 3:2 ratio of frosting to cake – perfect. I ate it. Yes, I ate it in lieu of a real dinner, but I did eat it. I counted it as 500 calories. Second course was klonopin. Dessert was vodka. So many MalCopS (maladaptive coping strategies) in one night. Too many to mention.

What am I going to do about therapy? My goal was to continue until May. J doesn’t seem to think this is worth it. No, wait, he didn’t say that. He asked me if this is worth it. That is all he said, it’s me deciding that he believes it’s not worth it. Although I didn’t ask him if he thinks it is.

I realized at some point between last night and now, that what I have gotten from therapy thus far is awareness. I am more aware of how I think about things, about how I react, about how my sensitivity is me, and not necessarily other people trying to hurt me, about how I treat myself. I never used to be aware of those things, I guess I knew about them on a subconscious level, but now it’s conscious. I think this is part of the reason why therapy continues to be hard for me, now that I am aware of them I need to talk about them and figure out what to do about them. I have written so many times about making that leap from knowing something intellectually to really feeling it and believing it but not knowing how to do that. Is it better to continue to be in denial about the things that are making my life less than what I want it to be, or to be aware of the problems and yet still be unable to change them? If I continue in therapy will the point come where awareness becomes change?

Becoming aware of all of these issues was really hard, and reading my blog last year reconfirms that I was having some unpleasant periods of time. But I’m afraid that moving from awareness to change is going to be even more hard, because it will involve taking more and bigger risks. So maybe that is why I am currently stalled. I thought that writing that 2009 recap based on last year’s blog was kind of a eureka moment, but in actuality maybe it was a catalyst about to precipitate change. It wasn’t an end product, it is a beginning. And that scares me a lot. So last week when I went into my session expecting that we would talk about the email, and then we didn’t, maybe I didn’t push the issue because I really don’t want to talk about it. So I blamed J for blowing it off when maybe it was really me.

Jan 14 2010

Bucket List Update

You’ll all be pleased to learn that I did go out and buy myself two new pairs of shoes yesterday. I also visited my foster child who I hadn’t seen a couple of weeks due to winter break and a little snow last week that forced his county to close schools. I didn’t visit him at home over winter break because I could not stand the thought of dealing with his foster mother. She is really awful and I try to avoid her as often as possible.

Then I went to work for a while. And today I have a new client to see. The therapist that I work for (not the one I wrote about here, who I feel the connection with, it’s a different therapist, I don’t know why I have this many therapists in my life actually) referred me to one of her patients. She told me that this patient needs help with organization due to lots of medical expenses and bills needing to be filed with her insurance company. She also told me that her patient has severe depression and is overweight. I’m not sure what those facts have to do with what I will be helping her with, but this is typical of this woman. She is always giving me too much information about her patients, and considering I live in the same town as some of them, and my daughter goes to school with a couple of them, well, it seems inappropriate.

I did talk to the new client on the phone last week, and one of the first things she told me is that she is in counseling for depression. I guess this is a big part of her life right now, and I appreciate her openness about it. She sounds very nice and I’m looking forward to meeting her. I didn’t get that “click” like I got with my last client, but I know that’s rare.

I guess it’s time to do a Bucket List update, since yesterday was the 13th. Here’s the list:

1. Save someone’s life – fail

This was a really ambitious goal, and I don’t think I’ll ever get this one. Unless someone is choking and I happen to remember how to do the Heimlich.

2. Learn to take a compliment – in progress

I think I am getting better at this. Instead of denying or making excuses for whatever the person is complimenting me on, I just shut up and think the things in my head. That’s progress.

3. Eat whatever I want for a whole day and don’t write down any of it – unsure

I did go through a period of time recently when I wasn’t writing down my food, but I also wasn’t eating everything I wanted. At this point I don’t even know what kind of food I really want, because anything that most people would want (pizza, ice cream) I can’t even imagine eating. So I’m not sure where I stand with this.

4. Connect with xxxx (old friend/boyfriend) – complete

I did do this, we had email communication last summer. He hadn’t changed a bit in the last 25 years, which actually doesn’t say anything positive about him. He still can’t commit, and he is still confused about his sexuality. No one else is confused about it, just him. We talked about getting together, but then he never followed up, and I didn’t even care. So I can cross this off.

5. Have jury duty – fail

I called the jury office and told the woman who answered that I want to sit on a jury. She looked me up and said I haven’t been called since 1997, which is true. I asked if she could bump me up to the top of the list, but she said no. With all of the people out there who don’t want to be called for jury duty I don’t understand why they wouldn’t call me, I want to do it.

6. Swim a mile – all at once – fail

I definitely did not accomplish this. Not even close. I was thinking of doing a sprint triathlon for about 5 seconds, then I remembered I would most likely drown. If I am going to complete this goal I’m going to have to use an indoor pool and practice every day. I don’t know if I have the motivation for that, and is it even worth it?

7. Eat local for a week – in progress

This is on the calendar for spring, there isn’t much local here right now.

8. Spend a week with Habitat for Humanity in the Gulf Coast – unsure

I really want to do this. I checked out the website last week, I have to make the commitment to do it, I’m not sure what’s holding me back.

9. Get to know a local farmer – complete

I did this. I had email correspondence with a local farmer and I plan to buy some things from his farm in the spring. I also got to know some local farmers at the farmers market, and I recently signed up for chicken and egg delivery from a local farm, which starts in April. Apparently we don’t have chicken and egg production in the winter here, it’s too cold. Chickens in factories don’t have weather issues.

10. Parasail – fail

This was a total bust. I wanted to do it last summer, but my daughter wouldn’t go with me because she was afraid I’d panic. Which I probably would have. Now I don’t even want to do it anymore. Is it ok to take something off the bucket list?

11. Learn to golf – complete

I did this. I took lessons in September. I hated it, and I plan to never golf again. I was really looking forward to getting some cute golf clothes, but it’s not going to happen.

12. Compost – in progress

I did a lot of research into composting last summer, and I need to get my act together and start doing something about this. No excuses for not following through on this, just lazy and procrastinating.

13. Drive a Porsche – unsure

I haven’t done this. A couple of years ago my husband looked into renting me a Porsche for my birthday, but there was a three day minimum and it was about $500 a day. He told me we could go to the Porsche dealership and test drive a car, but I didn’t think that was honest. The guy who does my hair told me that the next time he buys a Porsche (he buys new cars all of the time) he would let me drive it, but he hasn’t gotten one yet. A lot of people here where I live have Porsches, I just need to get to know some of them.

So to tally it all up:

Completed – 3
In Progress – 3
Failure – 4
Unsure – 3

But to be fair, one of the failures is not exactly my fault. I can’t force the county to call me to jury duty, and I did try. Only completing three of the items isn’t a really stellar effort. I need to get to work on these.

Jan 12 2010

Therapy Recap 1/12/10

It was really bad today. I actually wasn’t very anxious yesterday or this morning like I usually am before therapy, because of the email I sent J last week. I knew there was enough material in there to take us through at least two or three sessions, so I was off the hook as to coming up with something to talk about. But when I got there he asked me “What are we talking about?” I mentioned the email. I can’t remember what he said, but he blew that off. Softened the blow by telling me again that it was perfect. But no talking about the email today! Too bad for you!

Remember how I wrote a couple of days ago about not being resilient? This is another example. When I have something planned out and I’m expecting it to be a certain way, and then it doesn’t go that way, I’m floundering. I can’t regroup and go the new way. So for the next 45 minutes I was not all there. I know I definitely zoned out a few times – it’s amazing how easily that happens in therapy. It never happens in real life. Plus somehow we got onto one of my least favorite subjects – weight and eating. Combined with another of my least favorite subjects – putting myself down and not thinking positive thoughts about myself.

I don’t really remember much of what was said, except that I need to think more positive things about myself, which I don’t know how to do, and not focus so much on the negative things. I know I used the phrase “going to hell in a handbasket” which I can honestly say that I have never said before in my life and I don’t even know what it means. Microsoft doesn’t even think handbasket is a word.

I wish I could have a do-over.

J said he thought he would have gotten an email from me with my blog address. Oh yeah, like that is an easy decision to make. But I think I’ll give it to him, what the hell. I made some old blog entries password protected, and I’m not sure what I’ll do about future ones, but I’ll figure that out when it happens. And if it’s a disaster I’ll just start a new blog, although I’ll miss Harriet. I think this deserves two pairs of shoes, since I never did buy shoes after my dentist appointment last week when I found out I’m not a perfect patient.

I wish I knew the name for the feeling I get after therapy sessions like this. I’ve gotten this feeling many times in the past year, usually when talking about body image, or finding positive things about myself, or maybe when a session doesn’t go the way I’d like it to, or if it’s something we’ve talked about so many times before without the issue ever getting better. I have my list of feelings words and it’s kind of a combination of:

Upset
Disappointed
Discouraged
Perplexed
Distrustful
Uneasy
Alone
Useless
Frustrated
Dejected

Is there a word for all of that? Maybe fucked up would do. That’s how I felt today. When I left I felt that feeling and I drove around, then had lunch, then walked around, went into Barnes and Noble but couldn’t concentrate on anything, walked around some more, bought cupcakes for my kids at a bakery and came home. Sandra Lee was calling my name. Remember I went through that Apple-tini phase until I ran out of Apple Brandy? Now I have another Sandra Lee recipe using tequila, pomegranate juice and lime juice. Pom juice is really healthy.

And I’ve been thinking about the 16 year old who called the Lifeline on Sunday and told me that he is being picked on at school because he’s gay. That really sucks. We talked for a while and I think he decided to talk to his guidance counselor because he said he trusts her. He lives with his dad who doesn’t know he’s gay, and he doesn’t have a relationship with his mom. I asked him what he does at lunch, and he said he sits alone. Every day. How can no one care about this kid?

I was listening to John Prine in the car earlier. I like these lyrics:

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

Yep, it’s a hard way to go. And tomorrow is the 13th – four more months until my birthday.