Tag Archives: food

Jun 28 2011

Therapy Recap 6/28/11

Last week after my therapy session J sent me an email saying he would not be in the office the week of July 4th, and that he forgot to tell me during the session. I am glad he remembered to tell me at all! (Last year he told me he was going on vacation the day before he left.)

So I didn’t want to get into anything serious today, knowing that I would be waiting 2 weeks to talk again. But I did have some serious things going on. It worked out well though.

When I got there I said that I was anxious, and I think it was because I was uncomfortable. J asked why I was uncomfortable and I told him that I was very uncomfortable in the shirt I was wearing. I kept having to adjust it up and down and sideways, I think it is too big. When I put it on it was fine, and it was fine when I was standing up, but when I sat down it got baggy and my bra was showing, and I was uncomfortable. So my usual pre-therapy anxiety was exacerbated by the discomfort.

J asked the dreaded question, “How are you feeling physiologically?” I hate that question, it involves thinking about my body and I don’t like to do that, but I was able to tell him that my stomach didn’t feel well and my hands were shaking.

Then he asked another dreaded question, “Why are you anxious?” I told him that I still have the fear of telling him things and he might think badly of me, or think whatever I am saying is not interesting. He asked if that anxiety has abated over time, and I said that logically I know that it has, but emotionally I still feel that it could happen. I told him that I am only anxious before therapy, I am never anxious any other time. He said, “Can I respectfully disagree? I think that you are anxious 100% of the time.” But he said there is a normal level of anxiety that everyone has, so one can never be totally anxiety free. He told me that when I am weighing and measuring my food I am anxious, I am using coping mechanisms to deal with the anxiety, but the anxiety is the underlying reason.

J told me that a few years ago he had four or five women that he was treating and they all had anxiety, and he found that although they were anxious so much during the day, about daily things like work, when something major came along they were able to rally and get through it with no problem. J said that maybe the pre-therapy anxiety is a habit. I asked if anxiety could be a habit and he said it could, and I asked how to “unhabit” it, and he said that it is easier to make a habit than break one. But usually to break a habit involves making another habit, one that is better. I was going to suggest that he put out some peanut butter m&m’s and I could get into the habit of eating them during my session.

Then I told J that I didn’t want to talk about anything serious today because I wouldn’t be there next week and he started a discussion about my therapy. He asked me how I’ve felt about therapy in the last month or so, dealing with the food/exercise issue. I told him that I think it has been productive, and a good combination of practical things and insight things. J said that he feels that in the last month or two he thinks that we have really been working together collaboratively, more like a team, and he thinks that is really good. I didn’t feel very comfortable with him saying that, I’m not sure why.

That led to a discussion of surface vs deep work, and how even though it is not the food that it is my problem, it is something deeper, but working on the food issue can get us to the underlying issue. J told me another story (he always says, “Can I talk about myself for a minute?”) about his research project when he was getting his Psy.D. He worked with a 9 or 10 year old boy whose mother was in a coma in a nursing home, and everyone told him she would get better, but she really wasn’t going to get better. J would play chess with the little boy all the time and the boy would always do the same thing – lose his queen and then get his pawn all the way to the other side to reclaim the queen (J said that represents the boy’s mother and getting her back), but one day the boy cheated and won. After that he never wanted to play chess with J again, he wouldn’t even go into that room, they had to go into a different room and play connect four. He mentioned something about the boy being aggressive and then backing off.

After I left the session I remembered this story very clearly, but for the life of me I could not remember the point of it. I sent J an email asking him to remind me, and he said the point “was how sometimes working at the “superficial” level can be very valuable in addressing the underlying issues. For instance, talking about eating, going to restaurants, and shopping for clothes can be very useful in addressing one’s underlying issues related to self-perception and self-worth.”

Oh yeah, now I remember.

We moved on to some of the things that I was supposed to do for the health coach. I told him that I ate frozen yogurt, but I ate it instead of dinner. And my health coach had given me a recipe for chocolate pudding and I was supposed to make it, which I did, but I never ate it. And last night when I saw her I told her that I didn’t do my assignment of finding an outfit that made me look and feel fabulous, because I don’t feel fabulous about my body and a piece of clothing isn’t going to make me feel better. But her idea was that if I found something that I felt good in, it would start to help me feel better about myself.

It was kind of emotional with the health coach last night because we got into how I hated shopping when I was young. No clothes fit me because I was so tall, and everything looked terrible and I couldn’t wear the cute clothes everyone else wore. My sister loved to shop and she is small and cute, so everything looked good on her.

Anyway, J and I got into a discussion about looking in the mirror, and how I don’t see myself the way others seem to see me, and when I see a photograph of myself I see myself differently than I see myself in the mirror, but I can’t believe it is me in the photo even though people tell me that is how I look.

I brought up something I’ve been wanting to talk about, but haven’t ever felt comfortable enough. It seemed like a good time, so I told J about how people stare at me. It happens frequently, and I would always tell myself it was my imagination because I am self conscious, or I am paranoid. But last month when I went out to dinner with two friends we were walking down the stairs and a guy at the bottom of the stairs was staring at me so much that I instinctively put my hand in front of my pants thinking my fly was open. And after we walked by him one of my friends said, “Did you see the way that guy was staring at you? He looked you up and down.” In a way it was a relief to know that this wasn’t in my head, but it also freaked me out that it really happened.

I told J that I think people stare at me because I am tall. You know, anyone who is outside of average or looks different gets looked at. I, myself, look at tall people. J asked if perhaps the guy was attracted to me. That was kind of a shocking comment, I said why would he be attracted to me. J said that is normal human behavior, people are attracted to other people and like to look at them. I said, “I’m sure people are attracted to you because you look like that…” Whenever I bring up anything about J looks, or his talents, or skills, he just ignores it. I said it would be very icky if that guy was attracted to me. We got into a discussion about being attracted and how would I feel if I knew people were looking at me because they were attracted to me, and this whole thing was very uncomfortable for me and I can barely remember any of it. There was more, but it’s just a fog right now.

Later in the day I was thinking that when I was in my 20′s I really liked my body and showed it off. I met my husband at the beach and I was wearing a black bikini. I felt good then, even being a little exhibitionist, but I was also doing a lot of drugs back then. And I think I used my body as a defense against my insecurity about myself. Anyway….

Once during the session J asked me if we could talk about this, is this too serious? I thought it was nice that he was being cognizant of my wishes.

So we did cover some very uncomfortable things for me, I totally don’t feel good talking about body stuff, especially with him. But I tried, because I know I really need to get to a place where I feel better about my body and my appearance. It must be difficult for therapists to help their clients in this area. My health coach says I am “tall and thin and gorgeous” and of course I don’t believe her. It doesn’t do any good for a therapist to say that to a client. But how do they work with a client to get to that place themselves? Especially if they are not attractive, or at the weight they want to be, or have any other physical attribute that is a problem.

What I didn’t get into is all of the medical stuff that has been going on, I didn’t tell him the results of the blood tests, or that I had follow up tests (I haven’t gotten the results of those yet.) That would have been too serious to talk about this week, and the next time we meet I’ll have more information from the doctor anyway.

Jun 14 2011

Therapy Recap 6/14/11

I don’t really feel like writing out my whole session today. To summarize, we talked about weight, eating, exercising, being healthy, changing my thoughts about my weight and my body image, being different from other people, the health coach, and not being good enough. Wow, that’s a lot. It’s all surface stuff, and I don’t really like to do surface stuff. I know everything logically, but I can’t internalize it emotionally. Same old thing. I have no idea what J and I talked about before we started talking about food. He does think the health coach is being helpful, he said he thinks I am going out with friends more and eating more outside of my usual food.

I met with the health coach tonight. That was more interesting actually. I expressed my frustration about how things are going, and how she doesn’t really understand what my goals are. She thinks I am doing everything right and that I should get a lab workup because she is convinced there is something wrong with my thyroid and that is why I don’t lose weight despite eating 1200 calories a day and exercising 45 minutes to an hour and a half six days a week. She got into some deep stuff, like why does my self-worth depend upon the number on the scale?

I talked to the health coach about the fact that next month I have to go off of the birth control pills permanently since I am 51 years old. I tried this five years ago and it was awful – severe depression, lots of physical symptoms. I am finally feeling a bit better emotionally, and I am so afraid of what is going to happen. Next month I meet with my psychiatrist and my gynecologist to see if there is anything they can do for me. I am not opposed to hormone replacement therapy, and I know my gynecologist is not either. He told me we need to consider my quality of life.

My hair is now falling out. It might be from the wellbutrin, but it is very troublesome.

I am seeing a new doctor tomorrow morning. Hopefully she will order lots of blood work.

Jun 7 2011

Therapy Recap 6/7/11

I told J that my week had its ups and downs. He asked me to elaborate and I told him about my cousin being in the hospital and having to deal with my aunts on the phone, and talking about each other, and complaining about each other. He asked me how I am handling it and what I say, and I told him I really just listen, and when it gets to be too much I say, “I have to go now.” I told him that I suggested to my cousin and aunt that we go out for dinner on Thursday night (cousin got out of the hospital yesterday) for my aunt’s birthday, and my aunt thought that would be a great idea.

Which brought up the topic of going out to eat for my normal meal. I told J that I had told my husband that we should go out again, and he said, great, but he would ask our friends if they want to go. At first I was not happy about that, but then I realized that it would be good for me to go out with other people, get out of my comfort zone. But then, our friends decided to have us over for dinner at their house, and I was really not happy about that. The idea was to go out, but my husband didn’t think there was any difference between going out and eating at their house. They were grilling steaks, and I don’t eat steak, and I didn’t know what my friend was making. At least at a restaurant I have a choice. But it turned out to be fine, they grilled me fish, and I brought a big salad, there was also fruit salad, bread and butter, and potatoes. I made blondies for dessert and I ate one. I also drank a little too much wine. In a restaurant I would only have one glass, but at someone’s house they just keep refilling the glasses. I didn’t feel very well the next morning.

Then I told J that I am frustrated with the health coach, I hired her to help me lose weight, and, although I am losing weight, it is very slow and I can only eat 1200 calories per day, and she is giving me all of these goals to do, none of which involve losing weight, and if she gave me one goal I could do it well, but with so many goals I am doing them all poorly.

I know I sounded whiny and like I was complaining, and J was very patient. He reminded me that she is “holistic”, and that she is working towards me having balance. I said that I think she is trying to convince me NOT to lose weight, and that I think he is too. This led to another discussion about weight, eating and the scale. How I picked the “number” I want to weigh, how the scale doesn’t affect how much I weigh, what I eat determines that, and I eat very healthy and I exercise. He asked me if I could go a day without the scale and I said, “How would I know what to eat?” He told me I would just eat like I always eat, since I weigh and measure everything and I write everything down and count the calories. That makes sense, but it is so hard!

J said that I seem to believe that my body and food are the enemies, when it is the scale that is the enemy. I know this logically, but still, I couldn’t help but get on the scale tonight after dinner. I was able to not do that once this week. Weighing myself multiple times a day is not productive, I know that, but it is so hard to stop myself.

We talked about other ways to measure progress, body fat, measurements, how my clothes fit, etc. I would like to use body fat as a way to measure progress, but there isn’t any easy way to get an accurate number.

So that was about it, more talk about the whole food thing. J saying that the scale is another way for me to determine that I am not “good enough”.

This week could be tough – the dinner with aunt and cousin Thursday night, my daughter and I are going out to dinner with friends on Friday night, and we are all going out of town Saturday and Sunday for my husband’s cousin’s birthday party. We aren’t leaving until the afternoon, so I can still do my group run on Saturday morning. But no weighing Saturday night or Sunday morning, and no biking or swimming workout on Sunday. And strange food, party food, cake! It will be a good opportunity to relax my rigid habits of food and exercise. Or not.

Jun 1 2011

Deja Vu

Edited on June 2 – this post is a pity party, so you are welcome to not read it. I am feeling better this morning, and I am closing comments. I’m leaving it up, though, so that in the future I can look back and see how silly I am sometimes.

My cousin, L, is in the hospital again. On Sunday my aunt called to tell me that L wasn’t doing well and was going into the hospital, but when I talked to her on Monday she hadn’t gone, and didn’t really want to go. Yesterday, though, she decided it would be best and luckily they had a bed open.

I went to visit her tonight. It was just like back in March – nothing in the hospital has changed. The nurses in the psych unit are the same, but the patients are different.

She asked me to bring her a brownie, which brought back memories of her asking me to pick up Chipotle despite the fact that she had just taken an overdose.

She was very talkative. The visiting hour is just that, one hour, and it flew by, with me not doing much talking. She talked a lot about her father, and the old days, and how her mother and my father didn’t talk for so long, and how my mother can be difficult, but she thinks her mother and my mother should not have had such a dysfunctional relationship, etc. Then she asked me again about when I was feeling suicidal, and why. And I told her about how I was getting more and more depressed, and I was approaching my 50th birthday, and my daughter was leaving home, and I didn’t have a great job, and I was afraid of getting sick and dying like my father who had to stop working when he was 53 because he was so sick, and how I will never let myself get like he was, and how I felt like there was no purpose for me anymore, etc etc.

I didn’t really want to think about these things right now. I was just telling someone a couple of days ago that I was feeling kind of good lately. But yesterday I wasn’t feeling good at all, maybe it was because L went back in to the hospital, or my session with J yesterday, or a combination of things. I saw my health coach tonight, and I wasn’t very enthusiastic. I told her that I was frustrated with my inability to lose weight more quickly. I think she is discouraging me from losing weight, and I think J is too. If I want to lose weight, then that is my choice. That is why I hired her.

And the last time my cousin was in the hospital I would come home from visiting her every night and have two or three glasses of wine. I’ll be honest, there have been times in the last two months when I craved a glass of wine, but I don’t have any in the house so I am not drinking. And I don’t want to, but tonight, coming home from the hospital, and having promised my aunt that I would call her to tell her about my visit with L, I really craved a drink.

Luckily when I called my aunt I got her voice mail, because I really can’t handle talking to her. I don’t want to deal with her again. I am happy to help L in any way that I can, same as last time, but I do not want the crap with my aunt again. She started in again the other day, about her ex-husband and how awful he was 30 years ago, blah blah. Finally she said, oh well that doesn’t matter now. Right.

I think I’ll go to bed. I’m hungry, I want a drink, I’m frustrated with my weight loss progress, I’m angry at the health coach and at my therapist, it is all totally irrational. Going to sleep is rational. And if my husband dares to snore I can’t be held responsible for bashing his head in with the bedside lamp.

May 31 2011

Therapy Recap 5/31/11

J got a new couch. At first I just noticed the new pillows, then when I sat down I was looking at the couch and he told me he got a new one. Guess what color it is? Beige! I wonder if therapists go to a special store to buy beige couches?

We talked about the food issue again, and I told J that I was obsessing about food and exercise. I said that I know what I am doing is ridiculous, why do I need to weigh myself so much, why do I need to weigh myself before I go to bed? There isn’t anything I can do about it. I told him about how I have been reading about other people doing this “Intuitive Eating” thing, but I can’t trust my intuition. I went out with my son the other night, and I thought I wasn’t hungry, but then I thought maybe I am just convincing myself that I am not hungry. I can’t tell anything anymore, and I don’t know what a “normal” meal is. We talked about normal, and I said that apparently the “normal” American meal isn’t such a healthy choice. I asked him what was wrong with ordering a salad with grilled salmon with the dressing on the side, and he said there is nothing wrong with it.

I told him about how I have been thinking lately that women don’t ever talk about their weights. That I think every woman weighs 120 pounds, unless they are really little, then they weigh 110. But I see the women on the biggest loser who look great and weigh in the 150’s, and my cousin when she was in the hospital told the nurses that she weighed 150 and I thought that seemed way too high, she seems like a little thing to me, and a woman who’s blog I read who lost 100 pounds and reached her goal weight of 162 at Weight Watchers. I said it is really surprising to me that women who look good weigh more than 120 pounds. He asked me what would happen if I was at a place like Weight Watchers where you have to weigh yourself in public, and I set him straight about that! I told him that all weights are private, you step on the scale and the number is behind the counter and they write it in your booklet. Weight is a big secret in our society.

I told him about a restaurant I went to for lunch a couple of weeks ago and I was looking at what everyone was eating. Every woman was eating a salad with the dressing on the side, and every man was eating a burger, fries, crabcake sandwiches, etc. He asked me if the women were thin and the men were portly, and I said I didn’t even notice their body types, just what they were eating. Can’t women eat burgers and fries? I can’t – that would be my whole calorie allowance for the day and I wouldn’t be able to eat anything else.

J asked if I could go a day without weighing myself, and I said that I did that once last year, and I didn’t eat much all day because I knew I couldn’t weigh myself the next day, so I had to be careful. Logically I know that is ridiculous. I should just eat the way I eat, the scale doesn’t affect anything.

We talked about how my mood for the day depends on the number on the scale. I said, how else can I judge myself each day if not using weight? He said I don’t need to be judging myself first of all, and how about using different criteria – how I am as a person for example.

Somehow we got onto the subject of if I can relax at the beach, and I said I could. J asked if I could sit on the beach and think my life is good. I asked him if that is his definition of relaxing, because if it is, then, no, I cannot relax. We got back onto the subject of my life not being good, and he asked me again, for the millionth time, about the things that are good and not good. The not good things are the relationship with my husband, my lack of a career, my self esteem issues and never feeling good enough. The good things are my health, my family’s health, my friends, security, living in a safe place, etc.

He asked what would make it better, and I said if I lost 20 pounds right now I would feel better. Of course I know that is ridiculous, and we did talk about what would happen if I lost 4 more pounds, would I want to lose 2 more pounds, and then 2 more after that. I said that if my marriage either gets better or ends, life would be better than it is now. As for the career, I don’t know what I can do about that.

We talked about my dinner with my husband last weekend and how I ate a regular meal, and asked him the question I was supposed to ask. I told J that my husband seemed happy when I told him about the health coach telling me I should go out for a real meal, and that when I asked him about the retirement plan he answered me and answered both of my questions. J said that he was surprised, because based on what I have told him he didn’t think my husband would want to go out with me in the first place, and wouldn’t want to talk about finances. He asked me if I think my husband likes me, and I said that I think he does, and I like him.

J wanted me to ask my husband some more about the retirement details, and I said I don’t really worry about it because I don’t really plan to live that long. He asked me if I plan to die by suicide, and I said I don’t know, maybe. But I told him not to worry, I don’t plan on doing anything today. I really didn’t want to get into the whole thing about getting sick, getting old, etc. That is another can of worms that I couldn’t deal with opening today.

Now J wants me to go out for another regular meal with my husband and talk to him about how I am dissatisfied with my lack of a career and accomplishments. I expressed doubt that my husband would be much interested in this topic, but I said that I would do it, just so I could tell J how my husband reacts.

He asked what would make my marriage better and I said that if we had anything in common, if we liked to do things together, if he listens to me and remembers what I say, if he doesn’t walk out of the room when I am in the middle of telling him something, that would make it better. J said it is like my husband and I have parallel lives, which is true.

Towards the end of the session I got the feeling that J was getting frustrated with me. He was talking about something about how I use the eating and exercising to keep myself in this limbo of never being good enough, and when he paused I said, “Are you mad at me?” He said no, and I said, “Why are you sitting like that?” He had his legs crossed and his arms crossed, and he never sits like that. He said some bullshit thing about being cold, which is ridiculous, because I am always the one who is cold, and I was not cold, I was actually a bit warm probably due to it being 95 degrees out, and he never turns the a/c way down because he knows I get cold.

I guess I am frustrating to him, because I see everything intellectually, but I can’t behave the way my mind is telling me I should. I didn’t really think much about the session this afternoon, but this evening I am feeling down. I am watching the documentary “How To Die In Oregon”, about terminally ill people in Oregon who choose assisted suicide to end their lives. Oregon was the first state to legalize this (there are only two others). It is very sad that there are people out there who are dying and they don’t want to die. And I was reading a clothing catalog from Athleta, full of young, toned, thin women playing beach volleyball in bikinis and doing headstands in halter tops, and it just made me feel kind of sick. I know it seems vain, to not want to get old or sick, to have the body I had 20 years ago. But I think it is more than that.

I read an article in the newspaper this weekend about middle aged women and how their lives are better than they were when they were younger because they have self confidence and so many accomplishments. I wish I could be one of those, but instead my confidence gets worse and worse as I get older. Maybe because I don’t have those accomplishments, and I don’t have much purpose. I’m just down right now. Sometimes I hate therapy.

May 22 2011

Last Night’s Dinner

I ate normally all day, despite knowing I would be eating a “normal” meal in a restaurant for dinner. I had:

a glass of merlot
spiced cashews
a salad of iceberg, bacon, radishes, and blue cheese dressing that I split with my husband
crab royale, which was a large portion of crabmeat, seasoned and broiled and topped with a shallot butter sauce
mashed potatoes
creamed spinach

We didn’t order dessert, but the waiter brought us over two little pieces of chocolate peanut butter fudge, and since my husband doesn’t like fudge I ate both of them. Then another waiter brought us two more pieces of fudge! But I brought those home for my son.

It was a good dinner. And I asked my husband the question that I was supposed to ask him, and that was no problem.

I consider this a success.

May 19 2011

A Conversation With My Husband

“The health coach told me that I should go out to dinner and eat a normal meal.”
“Great! By yourself or with someone?”
“With friends or family.”
“OK, do you want to go Friday or Saturday? Did she give a suggestion as to where to go?”
“I think Saturday would be good, since I’m running five miles in the morning. And she didn’t suggest a particular place. She also didn’t tell me what a normal meal is. If I put chicken on my salad would that be a normal meal?”
“Don’t get a salad.”
“Can I get one of those little salads before my main meal?”
“Sure, that would be fine.”

Other goals my health coach and I came up with for the next two weeks:

Organize part of my basement
Make the Thai Quinoa recipe (already did!)
Have dinner with my husband and ask him about the IRA or 401K (repeat from last time since I never did it)
Do this dialogue thing she told me about, where I talk to a problem
Strength training two times per week (bought some workout DVDs yesterday!)
Have a “stress free” meal two times per week (don’t think I can do this, I’m aiming for one time per week)
Go out for a meal with friends or family two times per week
Exercise one time per week just for fun
Get some digestive enzymes and buy more probiotics since I ran out and never got more

May 18 2011

The Food Essay

Yesterday was a day filled with thinking about food issues. First my session with J, then writing my assignment, then meeting with the health coach. I always feel so good when I leave my meetings with her, so unlike therapy. But, of course, she isn’t doing therapy, so that is to be expected. Working with her is very goal oriented, unlike therapy which is very scattered and nebulous. She is also very encouraging, she told me not to worry that I didn’t enjoy my birthday dinner, how could I? I need to continue to practice this, and eventually I will come to the realization that nothing “bad” will happen if I enjoy a meal out, eating things I don’t normally eat, and then I won’t be stressed by it anymore.

I’m not sure J likes the idea of my health coach. I told him that she isn’t a therapist, and I explain everything we are working on, and he helps me with it. It’s like a team. But when I was leaving my session with him yesterday he asked me, “When are you seeing your lady again?” “Your lady”? I don’t refer to him as “My guy”. I thought that was somewhat derogatory. Granted she doesn’t have a degree in dietetics or anything, but he could at least call her my health coach.

So here is the essay I wrote about food. I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, and sent J another email saying that this essay makes things sound very bad, when actually I do remember many dinners with family that were fun. I think I am being over dramatic here, so take this with a grain of salt. When I mentioned to J that my food issues weren’t about food he suggested they are about control. I thought I would expand on that idea.

Here is what I think about food:

I think food is used by people to control themselves as well as others.

I grew up hearing my mother say (about my father), “He can’t eat that!” My father had high blood pressure and cholesterol problems and he was on a restricted diet. He was a totally passive man who was willing to let my mother control everything he ate, not to mention he had no idea how to cook or prepare anything except his daily morning bowl of Rice Krispies and milk. Anywhere we were, home, at someone else’s home, restaurants, if something “bad” was offered to my dad my mother would say “He can’t eat that.” This got even worse after my father had kidney failure and was on dialysis. The list of foods he could eat dwindled, and so there was a lot more “He can’t eat that!”

My mother’s second husband unfortunately also had kidney disease. She was an expert on the kidney diet at this point, and the “He can’t eat that!” continued. I asked my sister, who is a registered dietician (yeah, I think I mentioned she had an eating disorder – interesting issue for a dietician) if the kidney diet truly prevents a person from eating these things, and she told me that people on dialysis can eat the restricted foods in certain small quantities, but some people find it easier to cut out the foods completely rather than try to remember how much they have had of each thing every day. When I told my mother this, she responded that no, her husband could not eat these things. Luckily for her, he was passive as well, and she could control everything he ate.

Not only could she control what her husbands ate, but she could control us by restricting us to prepare only the foods that they could eat.

My mother spent my whole life battling her weight, being fat and thin and everywhere in between, and trying every popular diet. She really had no trouble losing weight, because she was totally in control when she made up her mind, but she had trouble keeping it off. I’m sure you’ve heard people say when they are on a diet, “I was so good, I didn’t eat any of the dessert” or of course, “I was so bad, I ate every dessert.” My mother considered herself good when she didn’t eat the bad stuff and bad when she did.

Our family holidays revolved around food, as do all families. I didn’t get the feeling this food stuff was loving and nurturing though. It was more about controlling people. My mother would do most everything herself, but would also sometimes assign dishes to people. She would complain that certain people weren’t helping in the kitchen – “What’s wrong with her?” was her most common statement. Our extended families spent every holiday at our house because the rest of the women in the family were too dysfunctional to plan anything as complicated as Thanksgiving. My mother was the opposite though, so functional that she criticized anyone who wasn’t as competent as her, so family get togethers were more like a battle of wills than a warm loving dinner. I’ll never forget one of my grandmothers criticizing the other, “Why are you using that knife?”

I married into a family of women who would fight over family dinners. All of us wanted the control. No one would ever ask anyone else to bring a dish to a family dinner, that would be admitting that we couldn’t do it all ourselves. Over the years we gradually gave up, first me, then my mother-in-law and finally my husband’s sister. So now all family dinners are run by my husband’s brother’s wife, which is the way she always wanted it. I don’t get the feeling she does this out of love. She wants to be in control. There have been family dinners at her house where she has gotten angry and stormed out of the house and drove away. That was always kind of uncomfortable.

Then there is the issue of Jews in general, and the guilt thing.

“Why aren’t you eating that, I made it just for you?”
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough already?”
“You don’t need that.”
“Fine, don’t eat it, I don’t care.”

And society’s part in perpetuating the control. How do you get people to show up for meetings? Give them food. How do you ensure that your child will be treated well by his teacher? Give her food.

And the individual issues. How do I get people to be impressed by me or think I am competent? Make something spectacular. What do I do if it doesn’t come out the way I expected? Throw it away and start again. I will spend a whole weekend cooking so that I can hear people tell me how good everything is. And my mother and mother-in-law, who never compliment me to my face, will tell other people what a good cook I am.

My son has had food issues his entire life. He has an anxiety/panic disorder, and I suppose the only thing he felt he could be in control of was his food. He ate very little of very few items. It got to the point where he believed that he truly could not eat certain foods. My husband is the same way. He cannot eat onions. He doesn’t say it is because he doesn’t like them, he claims he is allergic to them. If he is anywhere near an onion or the smell of an onion he has to leave because he will gag so much that he will throw up.

When he was a child he was a very picky eater. Whenever his mother would make a dinner that he didn’t like, she would throw a steak under the broiler for him. Who was controlling who here? And why did his siblings put up with eating franks and beans, when their brother got steak?

And so now the ultimate control, food, or restriction of food, used as punishment. Yep, I’ll prove it to everybody, no one can hurt me as much as I can hurt myself. And the rewards I get from people, “You’re so good! You eat so healthy.” I’ll take a compliment however I can get it I suppose. But then there is the opposite, “Harriet, you are eating dessert? But you eat so healthy!” Now I have a reputation to uphold. If I eat dessert I’m not good anymore.

So that’s it. Control. You did it to me as a matter of fact. After we had talked for a couple of weeks about my food difficulties and wanting to lose weight and how hard it is for me, etc, you tell me that you lost 12 pounds in the last few months “without even doing much, just adding some cardio.” What was that about if not control?

May 17 2011

Therapy Recap 5/17/11

J and I talked about food issues today. I told him about my birthday dinner with my friends, and how anxious I was about it, and how I ate a little salad while they ate pizza and burgers. But we did order dessert and I did eat some of it. I didn’t feel good about it though.

We talked about my history of weight issues, which only started about 5 years ago when I lost the weight I had gained from being on zoloft. J spent a lot of time on the logic of eating, and how logically I should be able to eat in more relaxed fashion without gaining a lot of weight, since the only times I ever gained weight was during my pregnancies and while on zoloft. I’m obviously not a binger or an out of control eater.

We talked about how I feel about my current weight and why I want to weigh less, because it definitely won’t matter to my health or even how I look. I’ve lost about five pounds in the last six weeks and would like to lose five more.

Towards the end of the session I told J that I don’t really think this is about food at all. He said that he agreed, he thinks it is about control. I said that I’m not even sure it is about control, I think it is about punishing myself. It’s like cutting. He said that cutting is related to guilt, so how is the eating issue a punishment. I told him that it is the same thing, I don’t think I am a good enough person and so I hurt myself in whatever way I can think of.

Then I asked him if he wanted to hear a story, and I told him the story of my mother and how she knocked the cake out of her friend’s hand the first time she met her. We talked about if my mother ever did anything like that when I was a child, and I told him that she didn’t, but when I got older she would sometimes say “You don’t need that” when I was eating something. But I remember eating a lot of junk as a child, ice cream, yodels, snowballs, etc. She didn’t restrict what I ate.

J asked me to write about what food means to me. He said as a psychologist he sees food as a form of love and nurturing. I thought this would be a difficult assignment, but as soon as I left I figured out what food means to me, and why, and I wrote it all up. I’ll probably post that tomorrow.

There were two things J said that rubbed me the wrong way. I was saying that even though I lost all the weight I had gained on zoloft, my weight seemed to be distributed on my body differently. He said, “Well, that is most likely normal, judging by the old people that I talk to.” I think he knew as soon as the word “old” was out of his mouth that it was a poor choice of words, and I told him so. He apologized, but it really irked me.

Later on he asked if he could talk about himself for a minute. I told him that was fine, as a matter of fact I would like him to talk about himself all the time. So he said that over the last six months he has lost 12 pounds “without really doing anything, just adding some cardio”. This was related to what we were talking about, somewhat, but it really bothered me that after talking to him for two weeks about how I am struggling to lose weight, he tells me that he lost 12 pounds without even doing much. I don’t think it was really necessary to prove a point that he wanted to make by telling me this about himself. Maybe I’m just too sensitive.

It was a good enough session. I think the food issue is way deeper than food, or control, and I’m not sure J can go that deep. I’ve had this issue with him before. Maybe it isn’t necessary to go that deep, maybe I just need to change my attitude. Change my thoughts, and my behavior will change, right? Easier said than done.

May 10 2011

Therapy Recap 5/10/11

Today at therapy I talked to J about the goals that I worked out with the health coach. He and I haven’t talked much about the food issue, but he has gotten the idea because body image stuff has come up in the past, and the exercise issue has been discussed a little.

I told him that I did the filing (yay!), I’m getting my nails done Thursday night, I made the Moo Shu vegetables (Sunday and today), I’m working on eliminating distractions while I eat dinner and making dinner last 15 minutes. I also told him that I am supposed to go out with my husband and ask him about our retirement account, and go out with friends and eat “without concern.”

We talked for a while about being mindful about eating, and that the health coach told me to think about where my food comes from. This is a problem for me, because I start to think about where it comes from, and I picture my vegetables growing in a field, being harvested by migrant workers who live in tents and have hungry children that they can’t afford to feed, or cows in factory dairy farms being milked every day to make cheese, and food being trucked and flown into my city, using up valuable oil and natural resources, etc etc. He told me to try to think of a strawberry growing happily in the sun, and leave it at that. Don’t start to think about poor Jorge in Mexico with his starving children.

I told him that next month I am supposed to exercise “for fun” once a week, and I don’t even know what that means. I came up with the idea to walk with friends. I never do this because none of my friends can walk as fast as I can (I happen to be tall with long legs, not that I am particulary athletic), but I said that walking slow wouldn’t even be considered exercise. J assured me that it is still exercise.

Then we talked about my dinner tomorrow night with my friends, and how I plan to order a salad with the dressing on it. I said that I don’t think I will enjoy it, and he said that I shouldn’t order that if I won’t enjoy it, I need to do something that I will enjoy. He suggested ordering the usual salad with the dressing on the side, and then ordering dessert, since it is my birthday dinner, and eating three bites, sharing it with my friends. I think I can do that.

He did say one weird thing – that I deserve to have something that I will enjoy. Not sure what deserving has to do with food, and I doubt he would tell me that if I was overweight.

It all comes down to how I am too hard on myself. I am like this in all areas of my life, so why would food and exercise be any different? It’s all part of the package, and it takes a lot of work to change this.

I had this idea that I do this to myself to avoid being hurt by other people. No one can hurt me as badly as I can hurt myself. Does that even make sense?