Tag Archives: friends

Dec 29 2011

Owning One’s Problems

I was listening to a vegan podcast today, and the woman podcaster was telling us how last year for Christmas she sponsored animals for each person on her gift list, rather than giving material gifts.  Sponsoring an animal involves sending money to a sanctuary or a humane society which contributes to the costs of caring for the animal.  You can do this in honor of someone, and that person will receive some kind of certificate of a photo of the animal.

The podcaster said that there some people in her family who rolled their eyes at this gift, and some that just didn’t like it at all.  But she felt this was an important thing for her to do, and if her family didn’t like it, it was their problem, not hers.

This has come up in therapy at times.  If someone says a hurtful comment to me, perhaps it is because they are feeling xyz when I mentioned abc, and the problem isn’t mine, it is theirs.  Or if I try to do something nice for someone and they don’t act appreciative, the problem is theirs, not mine, so I should not feel hurt by that.

I can see this being the case sometimes, but as for gifts, I don’t get it.  Why would one give a loved one something that they wouldn’t like?  Sure, animals are important to me, but I won’t go sponsoring animals in honor of my friends and family if I know they don’t care about animals or sanctuaries.  When I give a gift to someone, part of the enjoyment of it is finding something that I know is special for them, and that they will love.

When you give gifts, do you choose things that are important to you, or to the recipient?  Do you think this podcaster’s attitude about who is owning the problem is correct?

Dec 11 2011

Too Much To Say

I have so much to talk about. I don’t really want to write about it here, except for maybe bullet list issues, because when I write about things I don’t talk about them in therapy. So I’ll just start with this:

• My husband forgot about my oncologist appointment and never asked me how it went, he actually went out to dinner with his buddies and got home late. Needless to say when I told him that it didn’t go well and the cancer came back, it got his attention.

• Friday morning I planned to run, but I was so despondent about the cancer having come back (this was before the “oops” phone call) that I could barely get out of bed. So I ran Saturday morning and I had a great run.

• I saw a movie with a friend Saturday afternoon (The Descendants – it’s good) and went out to dinner with my husband Saturday night.

• I ran in an 8K race this morning and got my best time of any 8K I have run before.

• I see the kidney doctor tomorrow; my husband is coming with me.

• I had an email exchange with my sister who told me that I can’t make peanut noodles for our family Hanukkah party. It seems all of a sudden someone in her family has a peanut allergy. So I told her I would use cashew or almond butter instead and she said that would be great. Something about our email exchange bothered me.

• Something happened to me when I was told that I had a recurrence of the cancer, and something else happened to me when I was told they made a mistake. Emotionally I mean. All I will say now is that for the first time, I feel like I really had cancer. I feel different.

Dec 5 2011

A Good Weekend and a Good Book

Last week at my therapy session I asked J to recommend a family therapist for my husband, son and I. J said sure, no problem, give him a couple of days, and I told him no problem, take as much time as you want. I have never heard back from him. Now I feel bad that I asked him. I know he is very busy and I shouldn’t ask him to do things for me outside of my 45 minutes. I don’t know whether I should bring it up tomorrow or not.

But in the meantime I called my flying therapist, who was my son’s therapist when he a little boy. I left her a message on Friday asking if she could recommend anyone, and she called me first thing this morning and gave me the name of someone she thought would be helpful. I wish I could see my flying therapist for my regular therapy, but for various reasons that wouldn’t work. I really do like her though.

I did plan some things for the weekend – Saturday morning I had running group, in the afternoon I did a couple of errands, in the evening my husband and I went with another couple out to dinner and a hockey game, Sunday my friend’s husband who has cancer called me to see if I wanted to go check out another holiday craft show, so I went with him, then I went to the spa because I had a gift certificate to use up and I had a facial and a massage.

I was thinking of asking someone to go to lunch with me on Sunday, but for some reason I was unable to make a phone call to anyone. I don’t know what stops me from doing that.

Remember the book I wrote about last week? There are some nuggets of wisdom in there. For example:

People may call what happens at midlife “a crisis,” but it’s not. It’s an unraveling—a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re “supposed” to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

I kind of hate the whole “mindfulness” movement, I think it encourages us to avoid our feelings and just pay attention to whatever is happening at the moment. But here is finally a definition of mindfulness that makes sense to me:

Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not “over-identify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity.

Wholehearted people vs non wholehearted people:

When we talked about how the non wholehearted people dealt with difficult emotions (such as shame, grief, fear, despair, disappointment, and sadness), I heard over and over about the need to numb and take the edge off of feelings that cause vulnerability, discomfort, and pain.

When I interviewed the participants whom I’d describe as living a Wholehearted life about the same topic, they consistently talked about trying to feel the feelings, staying mindful about numbing behaviors, and trying to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions.

I wonder what leaning into the discomfort means? She uses this phrase often in the book.

And one of my favorite passages, regarding happiness vs joy. For example anyone can lose their wallet and be very unhappy. But a joyful person can still be joyful, losing their wallet won’t take that away. I want my spirit to be joyful.

Happiness is tied to circumstance and joyfulness is tied to spirit and gratitude.

And the last one, something I would like for myself:

I would like to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. I want to go to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

Nov 20 2011

Made It Through The Weekend

I got through the weekend without anything disastrous happening. I didn’t drink (much) and I didn’t watch The Bourne Identity or The Wrestler. Thursday night I went to my writing class reunion (although at the last minute I thought seriously about not going because I didn’t like my story). The teacher asked me to read first, which was good, I like to get it over with. People said they liked the story, which was about having cancer, and there was a good discussion about it afterwards. The teacher said this would be very helpful to other people who might be in the same medical situation as I was, as well as to family and friends who don’t know what to do. She told me to send it into the health sections of newspapers.

Yesterday I spend the day with my friend’s husband B. Before that I met my running group and ran faster and farther than I have since my surgery! Then I picked up B and we went to a Finnish Festival in a local church, which was so crowded, I didn’t like it much. We left there and went to a holiday craft show about 45 minutes away, which was held in a HUGE high school ( just looked it up and they have 2100 students, about the same as my kids’ high school. It seemed so big.) This show was spread out all over the place. I bought some jalapeno peanuts and a bottle of olive oil.

It was fun doing something with someone on the weekend. My husband doesn’t do anything with me on the weekends.

Today I went out for a one hour power walk on the trail, then made blueberry pancakes. I did laundry and a bit of organizational stuff, then some errands and grocery shopping. My friend, her husband and I were thinking of going to a movie, but I don’t think that is going to happen.

So it was good. Now if I can get through Thanksgiving all will be well.

I’m already getting worried about my therapy session after Thanksgiving. Last year that was one of the worst sessions we have had, it was a total disaster. I don’t want a replay of that.

Oct 11 2011

Therapy Recap 10/11/11

I’ve been feeling down lately. Since my surgery I was feeling better and better, but then I stopped feeling better. I’m not back to normal. I went to the doctor yesterday to be checked out, and she ordered lots of blood work, but she hasn’t called me with the results yet.

So J asked how I was and I said fine, as usual. But then I guess I didn’t look fine and I was moping and he asked me what I was thinking about. I told him that I feel like I will never get better, that I’ll be old and sick forever. I had printed out a photo of my boss and me from a race we did a week before my surgery and I showed it to him. I looked really healthy, and even happy. I said I will never be like that again.

He seemed surprised by all of this, he said he thought I was feeling better last week, and I said I was, but now I’m not. Then I told him about the biopsy results that I got last week that show I have kidney disease, and he made the connection that maybe I started to feel worse after I got that diagnosis. Maybe I am thinking that I am finally getting better from having half of my kidney removed, and everything is good, and then, bam, I get this other disease. And I talked about my frustration that no doctor is able to explain it to me. My pcp who I saw yesterday took time to read the report while I was there, and she thought it would be a good idea to see the nephrologist at the big teaching hospital. She said that there is a drug that is used for kidney disease, but it lowers blood pressure, and that wouldn’t work for me.

I told J about getting together with the nursery school teachers that I haven’t seen in so long, and that I talked about cancer with one of the other teachers who had cancer three years ago. She told me about a wellness center for cancer patients, and I checked out their website. They offer a support group for people who are finished with their treatment, and the hospital where I had my surgery offers a similar group. I said that it makes me feel normal to know that there are these groups out there, and J asked if I was going to go to one of them. I said, “No! I don’t need that.” He was confused, since I said knowing about the groups makes me feel normal. I said that knowing that there are other people out there who need support after their treatment is over makes me feel normal, but I don’t need a support group. And anyway, those people probably all had “real” cancer, and I don’t.

J told me that I had gotten to the point where I could accept help and support from friends and family, not because of the cancer, but more about the surgery. He said that frequently there is a let down after an event, even an event that isn’t necessarily a celebration.

I said that I don’t feel like I can talk about this kidney disease problem with anyone, first of all I don’t understand it yet, and second of all, everyone feels that I am “better” now, so if I talk about yet another disease it will just be complaining. I haven’t said anything to anyone about it. J said he knows I have a couple of close friends that I opened up to, and he is sure if I talk to them they will be good listeners. I said that I am going to the beach with one of them this weekend, so maybe I’ll tell her. Every time I think about it, though, I start to cry. He asked when was the last time I saw her, and I said we went to lunch a while ago, but we email and text all the time. I talked about how whenever I am with her I ask her about her cancer, which she had three years ago. I always ask her questions, even about things I am not going through, like radiation and chemo. I said that I really wanted to go to the beach, but I don’t want to drag her down. I can’t do a lot without feeling tired or even exhausted and on weekends I mainly just sit around. He encouraged me to ask her about this, to see if she has activities planned. So after the session I texted her and explained this all to her, and she said she was planning on spending the weekend relaxing, reading, and listening to the sound of the water from the porch. She asked me if I would rather not go, and I told her that I really want to go – I think I need a respite from my house for a while. So I think it will be good.

Then I told J about a friend who I have had for only about three or four years, and we would go out once in a while, and I would see her in her plays that she did with community theater. Whenever we went out she would end up crying, because she has never had a good relationship with a man and she desperately wants that. Anyway, as you know, I isolated myself from everyone a couple of years ago, and she continued to ask me to meet up, but I mostly ignored her. But we had a little facebook chat last week and I told her about my surgery and she was concerned and asked if I wanted to get together sometime. I told J that I don’t know what to say – I’d like to see her, but I feel like I owe her an explanation for why I didn’t communicate with her for so long. I don’t want to lie and say that I have been battling cancer, or that my cousin’s depression kept me busy for years. J told me that it is clear that she wants to see me, and I don’t have to tell her the whole story, just tell her that it was me, not her, and I needed to be alone for a while, but now things are getting better. I think that might work, especially because she likes to talk about herself more than she likes to talk about me.

That was about it, not very exciting, is it? We did go into more detail about “are you feeling worse” and do I think it is emotional or physical. I did concede that maybe I am not feeling worse, but I stopped feeling better. I told him how awful my first run was, but it was a little better on Sunday, and today I ran two miles. Much more slowly than I used to run, but at least my heart wasn’t beating out of my chest. As for is this physical or emotional, I will wait for the results of the blood tests before I make that decision.

I think after the session was over I concluded that what I am feeling is fear. I’ve written before about my fear of illness. I told J that maybe I made a mistake in having this surgery, the type of kidney cancer I have is slow growing, so I could probably have had a good ten years before it would get to the point of really needing surgery or killing me. But they would be ten good years. Now what do I have? Just sickness and being old and frail and cold. I never considered not having the surgery, it just wasn’t an option, all of the doctors said I needed to have it out right away, so I didn’t think about the consequences. And my surgeon was so optimistic, he even said I could run my half marathon if it wasn’t for the fact that I would miss a month of training. Ha! Either his other patients recover much faster, or I am just sicker than them. I don’t want to be sick.

Oct 5 2011

What A Day

A weird thing happened in my session with J yesterday. Totally out of the blue he asked me if I have been writing in my blog, and I actually have been writing in it more than usual. Coincidence? I like to think he has better to things to do than read my blog, and I also like to think that he wouldn’t read it without telling me. The only way he could read it without me knowing is if he reads in an rss reader, then it doesn’t show up on my stats. Interesting.

Last night I had my second Reiki session. I really like Reiki, and I like my Reiki person, what would I call her – a practitioner? Her initial is E, and she is very young, in her 20’s and in graduate school studying psychology. She uses light touch, and also some guided imagery and relaxation things with her voice, but not the whole time. She starts with touch at my head, then shoulders, arms, abdomen, and ankles. In between the touches I sensed something, but I didn’t know what she was doing. I really felt energy during those times. When we were done I asked her what she was doing when she wasn’t touching me and she demonstrated with her hands and arms waving over my body, to push out bad energy she said. It was interesting that I could feel more energy in between than touches, than when she was touching me. I think E and I have compatible energy.

While I was paying E introduced me to a man sitting behind the counter, and she said he does the acupuncture. I have been wanting to try acupuncture, but I don’t know anyone who could give me a good referral, and I didn’t want to pick someone out of the phone book. His name starts with a J also (How many J people can I possibly know?), but I’ll use P, which is his last name. Anyway, we chatted, not really about acupuncture, I told him about my surgery and how I am a runner, and he said he is a swimmer. I said that I wanted to learn more about acupuncture and if it could help some of my troubles, and P said I should give him a call. Which I definitely will.

Tonight I did something I haven’t done in a year, two years? I can’t remember the last time. I used to be a preschool teacher, and all of the teachers would meet for dinner once a month at a Chinese restaurant nearby. We called it “Book Club”, but we never read or discuss books. I stopped going for a variety of reasons, none of them good, but I decided to go tonight. I got an email from one of the teachers a couple of weeks ago, saying that the date for Book Club is Oct. 5, and I responded to everyone on the email telling them about my situation and my surgery. I don’t know what made me open up to them, but I received some very nice emails back.

Tonight there were eight of us, and it really was nice to see them all again. All except one are older than me – much older. They all have grandchildren, some as old as 17, which is just a couple of years younger than my daughter. I’m glad I went, even though I don’t eat Chinese food, which is part of the reason I stopped going. But tonight I ate a vegetable spring roll (fried) and mu shu vegetables with pancakes and plum sauce.

I think this is quite a step – opening up about my surgery, meeting with people who I haven’t seen in many months, and eating Chinese food. It’s been quite a day.

Sep 19 2011

10 Days Later

It’s been 10 days since the surgery. I have no recollection of writing the last blog post, I must have done it on my phone. The weekend is a bit of a blur.

I did end up getting a blood transfusion, which was awful because of the problems with my iv. The nurse tried to start a new iv, but infiltrated the vein, which is the second time that happened since I checked in to the hospital. Are IV’s really hard to start, or is something wrong with my veins? So we ended up using the iv in my hand which was extremely painful. The nurse had to make the drip very very slow, which meant the transfusion took 3 hours. Then they took the catheter and drain out, and I went home Sunday night.

I didn’t feel very well last week, but am feeling a lot better now. I guess I look and sound completely normal and not sick because it seems that people are expecting my recovery to be over by now. I spent the weekend doing laundry, doing dishes, etc, while husband and son watched college and pro football.

My mom was here from Monday to Thursday. Was she helpful? That is debatable. My husband said the only reason she came was so that she could tell her friends that she is taking care of her cancer stricken daughter. I did send her to the store one day, and she took me to get my hair done. She slept until 9:30am every day, talked on the phone a lot, and watched Lifetime Movies all day. We did take walks, and she made me a meal or two. I’m sure she was happy that she was able to “help”.

Friends came to visit last week and called a lot. My husband’s mother, sister and sister-in-law call a lot and say they want to see me, but here I am, and where are they? I’m not going anywhere. They keep telling me if I need anything I should call them. Frankly they are the last people I would call if I need something.

A good friend called tonight to check on me, and she also said I should call her if I need anything and I said I would. She said, “No you won’t.” I told her I would just call her to say hi and talk.

This morning I went for a walk with a friend and I was telling her that I have no appetite and nothing appeals to me. When we got done with the walk she asked me if I would like strawberry crepes, and then she went home and made strawberry crepes and brought them over, along with brownies and cookies.

My aunt had told me she would come down to stay with me for a few days, but she never mentioned it after the surgery. I asked her if she was still planning on coming, I’m not sure if that was right of me, I didn’t mean to put her on the spot. She said that she is driving to Florida this weekend and maybe she could stop by. But she’ll come visit for a weekend after the holidays.

People are funny you know? They say a lot of things that they don’t mean. And they love to feel like are doing something for me, when all I really need is someone to sit with, to talk to, to laugh a little, just for short periods of time.

Two people in the last two days asked me how I am doing emotionally. I don’t know what that means. I do know that Friday I started to get very emotional – crying, etc. I cried when my neighbor came to visit with some magazines, and I cried today when my friend offered to make me crepes. I have nothing to be sad about – I saw the doctor on Friday and got the news that all of the cancer is out, and it was Stage 1, and I just have to have more scans in 3 months. Great news! But I am crying easily. So how am I doing emotionally? I don’t know.

Aug 19 2011

This Is Support

My aunt has a best friend who I have known since I was about twelve. She and my aunt are only 9 years older than me. I’ll call her L. L had breast cancer years ago, went through treatment and was fine. A couple of years ago it came back, in her lungs. She had surgery and treatment, and is doing well now, but she can’t work. Her breathing capacity has been diminished due to the partial removal of her lung, but that hasn’t stopped her from being a breast cancer advocate. She was the director of a hotline, she is involved in many cancer organizations, and when she feels up to it she travels to testify for more money for research.

My aunt told me that I should tell her about my current medical issue, so I did. I probably played it down saying my disease can’t compare to hers and what she went through. This was her response:

Wow Harriet this is really big news and no Aunt H did not tell me. I am so sorry to hear this. This really SUCKS. I actually know someone who has had kidney cancer so I know that there is no treatment. He is by the way doing fine.

Since I have been in the cancer world both personally and privately I am going to take the liberty of saying something to you. Harriet Welch’s cancer is a big deal because no one wishes you to go through this.

As far as laparoscopic surgery goes it is definitely an easy surgery because there is no incision but it is still surgery. No matter how great you may feel afterwards you will need to take it easy. Just because you don’t have a scar doesn’t mean your kishkas (Yiddish word for your insides) are ok they need to heal so no 5K’s a week later.

If you have any concerns, thoughts, whatever I am here to listen so feel free to reach out. Talking to your kids, mother, annoying people who give unsolicited cancer advise thinking they are being uplifting and helpful whatever.

Keep in touch I will be thinking of you. L

Aug 18 2011

Good News

I got some good news today. Last week I talked about my visit with the nephrologist and that she thought I might have kidney disease. I had a specific test for kidney function this week, and the results came out normal, so no kidney disease! Of course, I still have kidney cancer, but not having kidney disease as well takes away a huge amount of anxiety that I had.

And I had my MRI today, which the insurance company finally decided to pay for. I meet with the surgeon on Tuesday to go over the results.

It’s a relief when things work out!

Oh, and J sent me a response to my response to his response to my email (get that?). I had told him that I could add him to the list of important people that my husband should call if I die and he said,

“I’m sorry this has been a distraction. If you feel comfortable with it, then yes I would appreciate being on your call list – but, remember, you are going to be fine.”

I have no idea what he is talking about in regards to a distraction, but I’ll wait and ask him the next time I see him.

Today I had coffee with my good friend, and we talked a lot about my medical stuff – she is very understanding and empathetic. She lives down the street from me, and she will do anything for me (as I would for her if the situation was reversed). It’s nice to have friends.

Apr 9 2011

A Milestone

Yesterday I went out to lunch with a friend, one of my oldest and best friends. I met her when I was 23 and we were roommates for a while, had our kids at the same time, etc. But she is one of the people I have been isolating myself from, not because of anything about her, but because of my state of mind.

We went to lunch and I told her about my cousin. Then I told her that the reason that my cousin called me was because she knew that I had similar issues. I told my friend that for the past two years or so I have been in therapy and on meds for anxiety, OCD, and depression. I was crying a lot when I told her all of this. And she started to cry too, and came over to my side of the booth and hugged me a lot and sat with me for a long time. I told her I was suicidal last year too.

She felt so badly that I haven’t told anyone, but she understood how hard it was for me to talk about. Not to mention she had cancer while I was going through this, so I definitely didn’t want to put my burdens on her.

After lunch I went back to work and I was exhausted, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. At 5:00 I went home and went to bed. I think I was emotionally drained or something.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about telling her yesterday. But today I think I feel good about it. She sent me a text this morning to see how I am doing and to thank me for sharing with her. She is the first person in real life that I have told any of this to. She is such a good friend.