Tag Archives: good enough

Oct 1 2010

A Hard Decision

As you know I am a court appointed advocate for a foster child. I began working with him in June 2006 when he was 12. In this time he has lived in four different foster homes, ranging from mediocre to practically abusive. All he ever wanted was to go back to his “mom” – the woman he lived with until he was 7. For some reason she never adopted him, and he was removed from her home due to neglect and emotional abuse. Later there were allegations of sexual abuse from the woman’s adopted daughter, who is 2 years older than him.

This is a very frustrating job. He has a social worker and a case manager along with various other mental health professionals and an assortment of attorneys. He has a guardianship hearing twice a year and we never seem to have the same judge twice. I am never informed about anything, everything that goes on his life I find out by accident. I make recommendations that are ignored, I ask questions and no one gets back to me. I write long court reports that are never read. My child has never lived in my county in any of these homes, he has lived between 30 and 50 miles away, and I have visited him pretty consistently every week over the last four years.

The frustration has been growing. I don’t feel that I do anything for him; I feel that I am extraneous. The one thing I have been is a constant presence, while the social workers, case managers, attorneys, therapists, doctors and families come and go, I have been there. That is really all I could ever offer him. My supervisor tries to convince me of my value, but I know that is her job.

In August he moved back in with his “mom”. He is so happy now. I have only seen him twice since he moved, which is another frustration. His foster mother, his high school schedule, his social life, all have made it very difficult to see him. I came to a soccer game that he was playing in two weeks ago.

Finally tonight I had an appointment to visit him at home. I drove an hour and a half in rush hour traffic to see him. I got to his house and he wasn’t there. His “grandmother” told me that his soccer game from last night was canceled and rescheduled for tonight. I called his foster mother and she told me that they are at the high school. So I drove over there and there she was, happy as a clam. She told me that she found out last night about the game today, and “I didn’t even think about you girl!” That’s ok, this is not the first time this has happened. I can’t even tell you how many times I have driven 50 miles to see him and he is not where he is supposed to be and I was not informed of a change of plans. I am used to it and I don’t take it personally.

But the frustration is getting to me, and I think it is time to throw in the towel. I swore I would not leave my child until he turned 18, and I never would have left him if he was in one of the previous three homes. But he is finally with his “mom”, he is happy, he even introduced us to his girlfriend at the game tonight. He is doing well in school, taking college courses in 11th grade. I emailed my supervisor saying that I would like to talk to her about resigning.

I don’t feel good about this though. I made a commitment, and I hate to back out. Granted when I made that commitment I wasn’t working nearly as many hours as I am now, but that is just an excuse. Plenty of people who work full time are advocates. I am angry at myself for not being to stick this out for two more years. I really do think my frustration will be detrimental at this point though. I know my supervisor will try to talk me out of it; she will try to convince me yet again of my importance. Frankly I don’t think he even needs an advocate anymore, especially since no one involved in the case takes the job of the advocate seriously. And it is the social worker who requests that the child have an advocate, yet she is the one who totally ignores me. Of course, it was four social workers ago that the advocate was requested.

Now I think I am punishing myself. I came home, and I was really hungry. But I got on the scale and I reached the weight I think is my limit for the day, since I ate too much earlier in the day. So I made a low calorie/high protein dinner that did little to dissipate my hunger. I told myself I could have one glass of wine, but I’m not even having that. I’ve gotten into the habit of having one or two (or three) glasses of wine a night, and I don’t want drinking to be a habit.

And my training schedule calls for me to run 7 miles tomorrow morning, so it is a good thing not to be drinking tonight. But I really think I am doing it to punish myself. This is just another example of me not being good enough. And being selfish. A real pity party here, want to come? I don’t advise that you do, it’s not much fun.

May 28 2010

Trying To Accept Good Enough

The cake didn’t come out very good. I don’t like the way it looks. The frosting isn’t fluffy enough, and therefore not thick enough. I’m so tempted to throw it away and either leave work and spend the day making a new one, or just not go. Or buy one at a bakery and lie and say I made it.

But I’m trying to accept that this cake is good enough. It’s hard because the cake has been built up to be this super extraordinary masterpiece due to all the talk of it on facebook. And they saw the pictures of the one I made for Mother’s Day, which looked really beautiful. This one looks somewhat sad.

I’m really trying. It would normally be impossible for me to show up at a party, especially with people I hardly know, with anything less than perfect. But I’m really trying to believe that it is good enough and that they don’t really care.

Dec 1 2009

Therapy Recap 12/1/09

My husband did something very stupid. It’s unethical, immoral, and I thought it was illegal, but he tells me it’s not. He told me about this on Saturday, probably only because a lot of people know about it and he thought I might hear it from someone else. What he did has destroyed his social life, and severed friendships. It’s the result of an addiction, an addiction that I didn’t know he had. I don’t really feel comfortable saying much more about it here, but he realizes that he was wrong and he wants to change.

The first thing I wanted to do when I found out about this was to talk to someone. That is unusual for me, I don’t normally turn to others for this kind of thing. But since this was about my husband I didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone, because I didn’t want to spread the news. Yesterday when I went to work I said to the woman I work for, “I guess you heard about what my husband did.” I was under the impression that her husband knew more about my husband than he actually does. She said, “No, I haven’t heard anything.” Well, since I started the conversation I ended up telling her. I cried a little too, but she was very understanding and helpful actually. I was glad I told her.

Today when I went to therapy I was kind of relieved that I had something to talk about – my husband’s situation – although I really would have preferred that this situation didn’t exist. When I got to J’s office I sat down, and noticed a leaf on the carpet. I picked it up, and he said, “I noticed that leaf.” I threw it away, sat down, and said, “I feel better now.” He said it had been there since late yesterday afternoon. I half apologized for my obsessive nature, and we talked about that for awhile, what makes it obsessive, whether my tendencies interfere with my life, etc. Most times they don’t, but I do find that people make remarks about me and my obsessive nature, and these hurt me because I’m quite sensitive. J did make me feel like I am not so abnormal though.

Then I told him that I didn’t really like that last week he told me that my check is always the first one he receives after he sends out the bills. He said he was sorry, and then kind of reneged on the statement, saying that two or three other clients also send their checks in quickly. He asked me why I don’t want to be the first one to send in my check and I said, “Because I want to be like everyone else.” This led to a discussion of being “good enough”. I actually had a “good enough” situation last night, and I didn’t even realize it until I talked about with him today. He asked me when good enough would be good enough, and I said, “When you can get away with it.” He asked for an example and I told him that last night I was making spaghetti and meatballs for my kids for dinner, but I got home from work at 6PM and didn’t have time to make meatballs so I used premade ones from the freezer. My daughter thought they were OK, my husband even ate a couple without comment, but my son questioned me about them and said he didn’t like them. So I basically got away with it. J thought this was a positive step for me. Imagine – I’m proud of myself for using frozen premade meatballs.

Then J talked about an article he read in the paper this morning about “green showers” – how we shouldn’t use very hot water or take long showers. And he thought of me because I tend to be a “green” person. I told him this is why I don’t read the paper, I don’t need another thing to worry about. I said we hardly have any guilty pleasures left in life and I would like to enjoy my showers. He thought that was a good attitude, and a change from how I might have been a few months ago.

Then I asked if we could change the subject and I told him that my husband did something very bad. I told him the whole story, and he asked some questions, and we talked about some questions I could ask my husband, and a little about addictions.

But, you know, after looking forward to talking with him about this problem I can honestly say that I was totally underwhelmed by the whole experience. J didn’t do anything wrong, we had a nice talk about it, but I didn’t feel anything. Where’s that feeling of catharsis that I’ve heard so much about? I didn’t feel relieved, I didn’t feel guilty, I didn’t feel anything. I think I’m just the kind of person who doesn’t need to talk to other people about problems, who doesn’t feel better from talking about them, and who just works things out alone. Or maybe because I talked about this with someone else yesterday I didn’t need to talk about it again. J is going on vacation Friday, so I won’t see him again for two weeks. I’m glad we didn’t touch on anything too serious today.

Nov 14 2009

Some Therapy Recap from 11/10/09

I never wrote about my therapy session this week. But I’m trying to process something J and I talked about. We got back on the subject of being good enough, and how I think I’m not a good friend, a good mother, a good wife, etc. J has been talking about mindfulness lately, I guess he thinks it would be a good thing for me to practice. I have nothing against mindfulness, to me it is just being aware of what I’m doing, what I’m feeling, what is going on around me in this very instant.

So anyway, as we were discussing the fact that I don’t think I’m good enough, and that I think J is perfect and I should strive to be like him, he said, “Right at this very moment, you are perfect.” I didn’t know what he was talking about. I asked him, “What do you mean?” He said, “Just at this very moment, you are perfect.” I said, “I’m the same person I was a moment ago, and the moment before that, and an hour ago and a day ago. What are you talking about?” And he said, “But at this very moment you are not doing anything bad or wrong.” It occurred to me then what he meant and I said, “You are talking about actions, aren’t you? As opposed to being?” Yes, I had to admit at that very moment I was not doing anything bad. But I said, “What does that have to do with me being good or bad or perfect? Just because I’m not doing anything bad right now?”

And I think that is when J realized that I don’t think I’m a bad person because of anything I do, it’s because of who I am inside. I don’t know why he didn’t know this before, I guess I have not been very good at communicating this. I said, “How about John Muhammad. He is probably sitting in his jail cell right now. He isn’t doing anything. He’s not doing anything bad right at this moment. But does that mean he isn’t a bad person? He is still going to be put to death this evening, even though he isn’t doing anything bad at this moment.” It took him a while to respond to this, I even said, “Where’s your snappy comeback?”

I do realize that I am nothing like John Muhammad, and that example was very extreme. But I was trying to make a point. And I think J finally was able to understand how I feel. He told me I am a good person. I asked how he knew that, and unfortunately I can’t remember what he said. I hate when that happens, and I suppose I should ask him again.

At the end of the session he leaned forward in his chair and looked directly in my eyes and said, “You are a good person. You are. You ARE.”

Oct 20 2009

Therapy Recap 10/20/09

J started with the usual, “What are we talking about today?” I had an answer ready, or should I say a question. I asked, “How did you know that D is a social worker?” (D was my son’s old therapist and the reason I started seeing J in the first place.) J said I told him that D is a social worker, or maybe he knows he is a social worker because he has a pretty good idea of who D is (I never would give him D’s last name, I’m afraid to tell him his name because I’m afraid he knows him or is a friend of his.) I said that I really don’t remember telling him that D is a social worker.

J wanted to know why this is an issue for me. So what if he knows D or is his friend? We had a whole discussion about that and how I would feel badly about talking negatively about someone who could be his friend, and how I would be embarrassed if J knows D. I’m also concerned that J won’t believe the things I told him about D if they are friends. Would you believe negative things said about your friend from someone who isn’t exactly mentally stable? I said that I know that I perceive things wrong, that I have learned that in therapy, so maybe everything I thought that D did wrong, or the things that bordered on unethical, were actually incorrect perceptions on my part.

Then he talked to me about perceptions. And how even if a perception is incorrect it is still how we feel and that needs to be taken seriously. If someone hurts our feelings we feel hurt even if the person didn’t mean to do it.

This led to a discussion about boundaries, since D didn’t really have any and my reaction to that is having really strong boundaries with J. He mentioned the time that I had to cancel my appointment because I was going out of town, and he offered to reschedule onto another day. I asked if that was a boundary violation. He was surprised that I would think a little thing like switching my appointment to another day is a boundary violation. I said that I would never switch my appointment, and he asked why not. I said it would be asking you for something, and I wouldn’t do that. He explained that first of all it’s ok to ask for something, and second people change appointments all the time and it’s no big deal. It’s part of his job, like cleaning his office, and he said he even cleans the toilet in the bathroom. I said I would never use his bathroom. He said, You would never drink out of the water cooler either. Yep, that’s right.

He asked me how long I’ve been thinking about whether or not he knows D because he said he was a social worker last week. I said I was thinking about it all week. He says he feels bad for me. I said that I didn’t want him to feel bad for me, that he shouldn’t feel bad for me. I don’t want him to pity me, and he said he doesn’t pity me. I said well, it makes me feel like a loser if you feel bad about me, because if I wasn’t a loser you wouldn’t feel bad for me (interesting logic, isn’t it?). It’s not therapeutic. Then he explained how he felt, but I don’t remember what he said. My brain can only hold so much.

We got to talking about my mother again, and how it’s difficult because nothing is ever right. She’s like Goldilocks and the three bears, except nothing is ever “just right”. Either you talk too much, or not enough, you’re driving too fast, or too slow, you come over too much, or not enough. She is constantly making comments like this about everyone, although she doesn’t criticize me to my face. If she does criticize me she tells my sister, and then my sister tells me. I asked J why, if she is critical of others, I take it that she is criticizing me? And he said, Because she is your mother.

He explained that it is actually liberating to be with someone who criticizes everything. If you can’t do anything right you can just whatever you want! Hmmm. I have to process that. My reaction to her is that I can never do anything right. But I should think of it as just being able to do whatever I want because it will never be good enough for her. And he said that because she does this with everyone it has nothing to do with me. Hmmm, another thing to process. Her judgments have nothing to do with me. There is nothing wrong with me, it’s her. She does it with everyone. There is nothing wrong with me.

Wow, that is intense.

Later in the day my mother called me. She was at a store and she saw something I would like and she wanted to know if I wanted it in purple or brown. She bought it for me. Then I felt so bad about talking about her with J. She was in a store and saw something and bought it for me, after I’ve been complaining about her.

Oct 4 2009

What I Need to Remember

I think I should make it clear that I am not comparing myself to Ted Bundy. It might have sounded like that in my last post and I’m sorry if I gave the wrong impression. I guess I chose someone very extreme to make my point, but I really don’t think I’m anything like Ted Bundy, except we both volunteer at a suicide hotline.

So what I think I need to remember is:

1. Bad thoughts and feelings happen to everyone.
2. Bad thoughts and feelings don’t make someone a bad person.
3. Good people have bad thoughts and feelings sometimes, it is a part of being human.
4. People aren’t necessarily good or bad and there is no need to classify them as such.
5. I should hold myself to the same standards that I hold everyone else. I am no better or worse than anyone else and I am not more or less important than anyone else.

I am reading a book called “Reinventing Your Life” by Jeffrey E. Young and Janet S. Klosko. Their premise is that there are patterns in our lives (they call them lifetraps) that start in childhood and reverberate throughout life. It begins with something that is done to us when we are children by our families or by other children (or I might add even by ourselves). Eventually the lifetrap becomes part of us. It determines how we think, feel, act, and relate to others. Even when we appear to have everything we are often unable to savor life or believe in our accomplishments.

I don’t think that they invented this concept, but the book is easy to read. It has little quizzes in it and chapters based on the various lifetraps, which include abandonment, mistrust, emotional deprivation, social exclusion, dependence, vulnerability, defectiveness, failure, subjugation, unrelenting standards and entitlement. I dare you to find someone who doesn’t have one of these problems! I have a few, I don’t even want to admit how many. I believe that some of them are co-morbid, and some are overlapping in their symptoms.

I recommend this book, it’s enlightening. The steps that one would take to change the lifetraps are well explained, but I think it would be hard to make these changes alone. If it was that easy there would be no need for mental health professionals, would there?

It’s so much easier for me to understand things on an intellectual level than on an emotional level. On an intellectual level I see that I am really no different from most people in my abilities, my talents, my vulnerabilities. But I don’t FEEL that. That’s where there is a disconnect for me. It seems like a huge jump to make and I can’t see how to get there.

Sep 23 2009

Therapy Recap 9/22/09

I had to cancel therapy last week because it was the day of the funeral. It’s really hard to go back when I’ve skipped a week. Monday night I could not fall asleep – I think I finally fell asleep at about 3am, and then I woke up at 6:30am. I also had a really bad stomach Monday and Tuesday morning.

The last time I saw J he assigned me homework. I was supposed to write down one good thing I did and one thing I’m grateful for every day. I actually did the homework Tuesday through Saturday, but that was it since my mother’s husband died and things got crazy. I had a really hard time with the homework. The grateful stuff wasn’t bad, but coming up with good things was very difficult. Two of the days I didn’t do anything good, one day I made a donation to my friend Ann’s foundation, another day I bought girl scout cookies even though I don’t want girl scout cookies – I donated them to the troops. I did a volunteer activity one of the days, which I don’t even think counts as good, but I was desperate. I was actually going to go to the humane society and adopt a dog just so I had something to put on the list.

J said that wasn’t really how the homework was supposed to go. He apologized. He said he didn’t intend for me to go out and search for ways to be good, I was supposed to just write down things I did in my daily life that are good. But I don’t normally do good things in my daily life, so I’m a bit confused about what he was looking for. He said in the future he’ll give me more explicit directions. He gave me back my list and I ripped it to shreds. I said it was stupid. Mature of me, isn’t it?

We got onto the topic of my mother. Every therapist’s dream, right? It all comes back to the mother. I told J about something my mother did a few days ago that really hurt my feelings and I wondered why she felt the need to do that, but “that’s what she does.” He asked me to explain and I told him that my mother is very judgmental and nothing is ever good enough. I gave a couple of examples. We talked about my childhood a little, and how my parents had very high expectations of me, and not very high expectations of my sister. I think that is because she was sick as a baby and toddler and she could get away with a lot more. I took on the role of the “good child”, and I was smart and well behaved so it was a self fulfilling prophecy. The better I was the better I needed to be.

J postulated that perhaps my parents wanted me to be this good child because it made them look like good parents. Never thought about it that way, but it makes sense. And to this day I never feel like I’m good enough or meet my mother’s expectations of me.

I know that everyone at some point talks to their therapist about their parents. I feel bad about it though. My mother is a good person, despite her flaws. Everyone has flaws, no one is perfect, and plenty of people had much worse mothers than I do. I do feel guilty about the things I said about her to J.

I did some more projecting during our session, but maybe since I admitted that I was projecting when I sent J the email a couple of weeks ago, he felt more comfortable telling me when I was doing it. He’d say, “You’re projecting again.” I don’t do it on purpose, I swear I don’t!

I have more to say, but I’m so tired. In the ongoing dental adventure I’ve been having, the second stage of my root canal was supposed to be last week, but due to the circumstances I had to reschedule. And now my tooth is infected again, so I called the dentist and he prescribed another antibiotic. I took two doses, and last night woke up in the middle of the night covered in hives. I took some benadryl and finally went back to sleep, but since I didn’t sleep Monday night or last night I’m exhausted. I’m on a different antibiotic now, I’ve taken this one before so I don’t expect any hivey surprises tonight.

Sep 8 2009

Therapy Recap 9/8/09

The week flies by doesn’t it? Yes, today was therapy day. And when I showed up, J asked what we are talking about. I said, last week you picked the topic, now you want me to pick the topic. You can’t keep changing the rules like this.

I’m really blocked right now in therapy. I cannot talk about anything important. I know that one can’t have a deep session every week, but I kind of feel like I’m stuck at a certain level and can’t get words out of my mouth. We talked about the hotline, about eating, about exercise, about what is “good enough”.

There was an opening for me to talk about my suicide ideation, and I hinted at it, but J didn’t get it. Of course not, he is not a mind reader. We were talking about how my mother’s husband was having heart surgery. J asked me if thinking about that took my mind off of thinking about myself, and if it put things in perspective for me. I get the impression that he thinks I think about myself all the time. I don’t know how this happened. I just wrote the other day about how I think so much, but it’s not always about me. Every time I bring up someone else’s problems he asks if this puts things in perspective for me, as though I’m so narcissistic I could never consider anyone else’s problems. So J asked me how I feel about my mother’s husband’s surgery in relation to my life and I told him that I know that I would never be in this situation – where I had to have heart surgery. He said, “So you feel gratitude?” And I said, “More like resignation.” He asked, “You feel resignation about not ever needing heart surgery?” I said, “Well I know I’ll never be in that situation.” He thought I was talking about how I eat right and exercise and take care of myself. I said, “What?” He replied, “You take care of yourself so that you’re healthy so you won’t develop a bad heart.” I said, “That isn’t what I meant.” Of course he asked what I meant, and I couldn’t say, “I don’t plan to live long enough to develop a bad heart.” What I did say was, “Never mind. I don’t want to talk about that.” He asked why I didn’t want to talk about it, and I didn’t really answer. Then he said, in a petulant voice that wasn’t really very cute, “I WANNA talk about it.” I just couldn’t. I’m stuck.

I told him about how I tried to write down five things every day that I am grateful for, but had to quit after 2 weeks because I ran out of things. He asked if I was repeating things, and I said, “Of course not.” He said, you realize if you have to find 5 things every day that would be 1800 things a year, and 18,000 after 10 years. Well, yeah, I set the bar high! I guess that’s why I failed at that project.

J also thinks I need to meditate more. He asked me what are the times when my mind doesn’t think so much, and I said, “When I run.” But we talked about it and I said the effects don’t last. As soon as the run is over the thoughts start up again. So he thinks I should meditate. I think that is probably a good idea, meditation never hurts, right? I should schedule it into my day.

J gave me a homework assignment – every day write down one good thing I did, and one thing I’m grateful for. Considering he thinks I think about myself a lot, it seems like this homework assignment feeds into that.

I wrote J an email to explain how I don’t think about myself all of the time. I haven’t sent it, I’m always afraid to click the send button. Here it is:

J,

I think that you think that I think about myself 24 hours a day and I’m sorry you have that idea about me. I do think a lot but it’s not always about me. For example:

For the past four days I have been thinking about my mother’s husband and his upcoming surgery, which was today, which was to replace a heart valve and to fix his aorta. This summer I went to the beach with a friend whose father in law had the same surgery, while we were at the beach, and an hour after his surgery ended he died. So I have been worried about my mother’s husband since we found out he needed this surgery.

I’ve been thinking about my daughter a lot because last year 99% of her best friends were seniors, and now they have all gone to college and she still has one more year of high school. The past few Saturday nights she has actually been babysitting because she doesn’t have friends to socialize with, and I feel badly for her, even though she has never complained. I’m concerned about what this school year will be like for her without her best friends around.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my son, who spends all of his time in his room; he sleeps all day and is up all night. He doesn’t drive and hasn’t made an attempt to get a job because he says he can’t get anywhere. We’ve been to the movies a few times and I love spending time with him because we are alike in a lot of ways and it’s sad that all of his friends have gone back to school and he hasn’t, and his life revolves around his computer, tv, and video games.

I’ve been thinking that I need to do some research into fair trade products because I would like to change some of the things I purchase in order to ensure that people around the world are receiving fair wages and are being treated with dignity.

I think about a lot of other things, reading the last few days of my blog I see that I have been thinking about the meaning of life, Steppenwolf (the book I’m currently reading), an essay that my daughter wrote for one of her college applications that freaked me out because she was writing it as though she was 70 years old and looking back at her life, my current fixation with movies and books about death and dying, my blogging friends who are having some problems, District 9 (the alien movie) and how people treat other people so poorly (even if they are aliens), a conversation I had with a couple of my friends about how their plans for their lives didn’t quite materialize the way they had intended, and other things as well. I realize that when I think about these things I am thinking about them in relation to my own life, but I am not thinking about myself the way that you think I think about myself. I don’t always mope around thinking about what a bad person I am, what a loser I am, how could anyone want to be around me, etc… I do think like that sometimes, but I don’t just have those thoughts all of the time and no others.

I don’t know how you got that idea and I just wanted to clear it up. Thanks.

H

Feb 15 2009

Obsessing

I had a five hour drive this afternoon and spent most of it obsessing about whether or not to “graduate” (nicer way of saying “drop out”) of the fear of flying therapy group.  I am a perfectionist, and I am trying to overcome this.  I am not a perfect flyer – I have “rules” about flying.  Certain types of planes, certain airports, certain airlines are off limits.  But so far I’ve been able to get everywhere I’ve wanted to go.  I’m not a perfect flyer, but I’m a good enough flyer.  It’s hard for me not to be perfect at something, but I have to realize that in certain circumstances being good enough is just right.

I also was obsessing about what my flying therapist said to me in her email.  She makes me sound so extreme:

“No one came into the group hating flying more than you — really resenting the idea that you should need to fly– and no one in the group made more progress.”

These statements are not true.  There were people in the group who hated flying more than me – they actually had panic attacks on planes, or wouldn’t get on at all.  Many people in the group started because they had a dying parent somewhere too far to drive, or they had a child getting married far away.  As for making more progress, many many people in the group ended up being fearless flyers with no “rules” like I have.

I really don’t like these extreme statements.  My son’s therapist used to use them also.  He would say things to me like, “No parent I’ve ever worked with has worked harder to get their child the services he needs.”  Or, when I asked him not to call me “mom” anymore he said, “It’s never bothered anyone else in the 20 years I’ve been doing therapy.”  My current therapist is always trying to convince me that I think of myself in extreme ways – I’m the most ugly, the fattest, the least productive, etc etc.  That is why he always talks about the bell curve and how the chance that I am at either end in any situation is pretty slim.

But then I’ve got these other people telling me how extreme I am.  I hate flying more than anyone, I’ve made more progress than anyone, I work harder for my son than anyone, I’m more sensitive than anyone.  Maybe they are just trying to make a point, but when it comes to a therapist I don’t think that is a good strategy.  I need to be able to trust a therapist, I don’t want to hear rash generalizations, I want truth.

So maybe I should stay in the group and become a perfect flyer with no rules.  Or maybe I’m good enough.  Now I just don’t know, and I’m obsessing about what to do.  Maybe I’ll talk it over with my current therapist and he’ll put me on the bell curve somewhere in the middle.  It’s hard for me to accept this bell curve idea when I feel extreme about myself, but as usual that is because of the vast gulf between what I feel and what I think.  That’s what everything always comes back to.  Sigh.

Dec 10 2008

Therapy Today and a Little History

Today’s session was awful. I can’t even believe that things are going so badly after all this time. I feel like J and I are on separate planets, separate galaxies. I just can’t explain myself, I can’t talk about what is bothering me. That’s the idea of therapy, go in for my 45 minutes of misery, and talk about what is bothering me. I don’t seem to do that, so J has to try to figure out what is bothering me. And what he thinks is bothering me is not at all what is bothering me, but he needs something to work with, so he latches on to whatever seems obvious. For example, anxiety and obsessions. Yeah, I’m anxious about therapy, but anxiety is not what is bothering me. And where did the obsession obsession come from? Both J and Dr. S seem to think I have a problem with obsessions. I asked Dr. S about that, about why no doctor or therapist has ever mentioned anything to me about having a problem with obsessions. He said no one ever knew because I never told anyone about these thoughts I have, so now that I have brought them out into the open I have a problem with obsessions.

I have been writing down everything that we say in our sessions since September. Everything that I can remember. Back in the spring I was taking xanax before the sessions, so I had a difficult time remembering things we talked about. I would remember certain things that we said, but couldn’t remember the context in which we said them, so they made no sense at all afterwards. I don’t have good records of what we talked about then. J does a good job of remembering things we’ve talked about in previous weeks, considering he sees about 39 other people a week besides me, so I have to cut him a break sometimes. The carrot cake story is getting old. I have told him more than once that I don’t like carrot cake. I HATE, DESPISE, am REPULSED, by carrot cake. Whoever decided to put carrots in cake is an idiot. I don’t want to hear about carrot cake anymore. If it was appropriate to bring therapists gifts, I would bring in a carrot cake and mash it in his face. I guess that wouldn’t be a gift however.

So looking back at my notes from the spring I remember talking about feeling badly that I only pay $19.40 per week, and insurance pays the rest, but the total is only about $77, which is maybe half of what a normal charge would be. J told me to read a book called “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” which I hated, it was condescending and offensive. Turns out he never read the book, he just liked the title. In my notes I wrote that I found the sessions confusing and I didn’t know exactly what J was looking for exactly.

We had discussions about self esteem, perfectionism, being “good enough” (we talked about that a lot). That’s around the time I told him about the cake and how I would make a cake and if it didn’t measure up to my standards I would throw it away and start again. J mentioned a few times that I was looking for a quick fix, and he felt I have a larger problem but he didn’t know what. We talked about intrusive thoughts and how I have developed skills to deal with them. We talked about good vs. bad feelings and J said feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are.

I felt that J trivialized things I said or felt. I still feel that way. I consider this my fault because I don’t explain things properly or with enough detail, or I don’t express the importance of how I feel, and I frequently withhold information.

Back in the spring J said he thought that I had a pretty good handle on managing my anxious behaviors, but when it comes to thoughts I overthink things and I hold myself to an excessively high standard that I can never achieve. Therefore I never think I’m good enough.

To be continued….