Tag Archives: guilt

Jul 24 2010

A Conversation With Myself

I saw someone write out a conversation with herself on her blog, but I can’t remember who’s blog it was. I am stealing the idea, if this came from you please let me know so I can credit you.

This was my conversation with my myself this week:

Me: I feel good that I was able help my son get through his blood test despite his fear.

Voice in my head (VIMH): Great, that’s what it takes for you to feel good about yourself, your son getting sick?

Me: Well, I don’t want him to be sick, but I thought I was helpful.

VIMH: You probably made it worse. You made such a big deal out of the whole thing, with the numbing cream, and the Xanax, and laying down…. He was probably freaking out because of you.

Me: Maybe….

VIMH: If K (my husband) had brought him it wouldn’t have been such a big deal and probably easier.

Me: But K didn’t know the right things to tell the doctor about the blood test, or to ask about the Xanax, or to order the lidocaine cream, or to call the lab to find out if it is ok to use it, or to ask the technician if A could lay down.

VIMH: Yeah, and those things probably embarrassed A so much.

Me: I was trying to be helpful.

VIMH: Why – so you could feel better about yourself, or so you could help your son?

Me: So I could help my son, but I did feel good about it.

VIMH: Even if you didn’t make it worse, it’s nothing to feel good about. It’s your job as a mother.

Me: I know, but some people don’t know how to do the job.

VIMH: And you think you do?

Me: I thought I know how to handle his anxiety. But maybe I did make it worse. Maybe K should have taken him.

VIMH: K never would have taken him and you know it. It’s not his job.

Me: Right, I’m in charge of that kind of stuff.

VIMH: So when it gets screwed up it’s all your fault. Like today when A wouldn’t go to the lab to have the x-ray.

Me: I know that I said the wrong thing when I told him that he should just try to drink the barium, and if he can’t do it we can leave.

VIMH: Exactly. That was totally the wrong thing to say, because it allowed him to think that this isn’t even important, that there is another test he can do. So why would he bother even doing this?

Me: Yes, I feel bad now. I feel bad for feeling good about myself when my son is sick, and maybe making his anxiety worse, and I feel bad for telling him to just try to drink the barium instead of insisting he do it.

VIMH: Good for you! You should feel bad about yourself. You suck at this.

Jul 21 2010

Why Can’t I Feel Good?

Yesterday when J asked me about when I feel worthwhile, I thought a bit and then said, “When I feel needed.” And I had been thinking about how I do feel needed right now, due to my son’s medical issues.

I thought if I was dead the following would not have happened:

1. No one would have told the doctor about A’s needle phobia and that any blood that had to be drawn would have to be done in one session, because it would be highly unlikely that he would do this more than once
2. No one would have asked the doctor if he could take some Xanax before the blood test
3. No one would have had any Xanax, or even would have known the proper dosage (well, I did need a little help with that)
4. No one would have thought to use the lidocaine cream
5. No one would have called the lab to see if they had anyone experienced in dealing with needle phobias and to see if it was ok to use the lidocaine cream and how to use it
6. No one would have called the doctor’s office to prescribe the lidocaine cream
7. No one would have known how to apply the cream, with the plastic wrap and the tape (the generic version doesn’t come with the handy plastic cover sheets with tape built right in)
8. No one would have asked the technician if she could do the blood test with my son lying down
9. No one would have known when to stop him from saying, “Wait, I’m not ready” and to take control and say, “You’ll never be ready. Take a deep breath and lay down.”

Was this helpful to him? I don’t know. Maybe he would have done the blood test just fine without those things. But I felt needed. And then you know what?

I felt guilty. My son is having medical problems, he feels like shit, and I am feeling good about myself because he needs me. How awful is that? It’s actually shameful.

And, frankly, maybe instead of helping him, I actually made the whole thing worse. By making such a big deal out of his anxiety maybe I was making him MORE anxious, instead of doing things to lessen his anxiety.

Maybe if I was dead, and my husband had to handle this, he would have just showed up at the lab, and sent my son in, and he would have had the same result in the end – two tubes of blood.

I just want to know why I can’t feel good about anything. What is it about me that makes me feel like I can’t like myself, that I can’t feel proud of myself, that I can’t feel like I’ve done something right?

If it had been someone else in my situation I would have praised them for being so empathetic and caring towards their child. But, here I am, concluding that I have made things worse. I really don’t understand the way my mind works, and why this happens.

Jul 18 2010

Horse Show

Yesterday my husband and I went to see my daughter in a horse show. We rarely go, but this could be the last one before she leaves for college. She doesn’t particularly like us to be there, and she gets very nervous when people are watching her. There have been times when I have snuck unseen into horse shows to watch her without her knowing I am there.

We were talking with her coach and some other riders yesterday about how she needs a sports psychologist. She is a pretty good rider, not great, but ok, she doesn’t do rated shows, just local ones. But when she gets in front of a judge everything falls apart. She gets so worked up and tense and nervous. And when I am there it is one hundred times worse. Her coach was telling us how well she did in a show a couple of weeks ago, and the assistant said, “M says she does much better when people aren’t watching her.”

So this show was 1 hour and 45 minutes away, in another state, and of course she never knows what time she’ll be riding. These shows are so boring. First she said she would ride at about 9:30 or 10am, but she actually rode at 2pm. She was riding someone else’s horse, and he is a very good horse. When she was practicing, he did great.

Then it was time to go into the ring, and I said something really stupid. I don’t what got into me, perhaps I was trying to use humor to diffuse the situation, or maybe I was delirious from sitting in the 95 degree heat for 4 hours waiting for her. But I said, “Do good! I hope this will be worth it!” Meaning, worth it for me to travel all the way there and sit there waiting for so long. I know it was such a stupid thing to say.

Then she went into the ring and did terribly. Her horse refused a couple of times, and on her second course she forgot the course! That has never happened. She was riding around and she got to near where her coach was standing and said, “Where do I go?” Argh. Frankly, I can’t figure out how the riders remember the courses, and they have to do two courses, each in a different pattern. So I’m sure it is easy to forget, as a matter of fact the rider before her left off part of the course. But my daugher has never forgotten the course.

So needless to say it was awful, and she was very upset and wouldn’t talk. She did better in the under saddle (the non jumping part) and got a 4th place ribbon (I think there were 6 or 7 riders in the division).

Then we left. I felt so bad about my comment, and I told my friend about it who was there with her daughter. She said something like, “If we said the perfect thing all of the time we wouldn’t be real parents”. It just made me feel so badly because I know she is already under so much of her own pressure when she competes. I’ve tried to tell her that she doesn’t have to show, that she can just ride for pleasure, but she likes to go to shows. I think she likes the social aspect of it, and watching everyone else compete. She is normally a very confident, non-anxious person. This is the only time she has problems.

And tomorrow my son has his blood test at 2pm eastern time. Please send positive thoughts our way if you remember! We’re doing Emla cream to numb him, and xanax to sedate him. I called the lab to see if they have anyone experienced in dealing with people with phobias and they gave me the exact answer I knew they would, “Sure, everyone here!” Yeah, right.

Being a parent is hard sometimes.

Mar 23 2010

Therapy Recap 3/23/10

I’m feeling unsatisfied with my therapy session today. But maybe I just have expectations that are too high. I’m not sure. I’m feeling misunderstood. But maybe I am a person who is unable to be understood.

I emailed J yesterday with a list of three things we could talk about, and we did talk about all three.

1. Telling my cousin about my “stuff” this weekend at the wedding and feeling uncomfortable with that.
2. Last week I got an email from one of the people I work for asking me if I can come in for an hour and help her with her computer. I really didn’t have time and I wanted to say no, but it is so hard for me. I had the thought that I could email J and he’d tell me what to do, and that thought freaked me out.
3. My son and continuing to talk about my plan to get him on a good path.

J asked me about my cousin and what she was going through and what prompted me to open up to her. We talked about the driving into the tree stuff, and how we have similar issues and had similar childhoods. He said that in a couple of weeks or a month I’ll feel better about having told her because I’ll see that she isn’t spreading my secrets around the family. He also said that since she is in a worse place than me I should feel safe that my secrets will stay secrets. I don’t necessarily feel that I am in a better place than she is and I don’t know why he said that. It made me feel minimized. First point of dissatisfaction.

Then the issue of saying no to the woman I work for. J wanted to know why I was horrified about my thought of asking him for help. I told him that first of all I don’t ask for help, I do things myself. And secondly, I had asked him for help once before and it turned into a huge disaster. We talked about why that didn’t work and how I have trouble asking for help. So he said I should tell him what my email to him would be if I had sent it. We talked about that and he dictated what he would have emailed me back, which is exactly what I knew he would say and I told him that. But then I said the problem isn’t knowing what to say in an email to her, it is actually sending the email. And that is why I’m glad I didn’t email him asking for help, because he wouldn’t have understood exactly what I was asking for because I don’t explain it well. So then we talked about why it would be difficult for me to send her an email saying I don’t have time to help her. I thought he kind of understood, but for me the issue was more that I can’t ask for help than the actual email. More on this later.

Third item – my son. This was a somewhat more productive discussion and J brought up the fact that I need to get rid of my guilt about my abilities as a parent in order to be more authoritarian. This doesn’t seem practical as it could take a long time, although it does make sense. We left that discussion deciding that I would tell my husband of the tentative ideas that we have so far and see how he can help.

As I was getting up to leave J asked if I was going to email the woman I work for, and I said I would try. He said, “Do you want to send me the email first?” I asked him if he would send it for me and he said that wouldn’t be a good idea. So what would be the point of sending him the email? I already told him that writing the email isn’t the problem for me; I don’t need someone to proofread it for me. I need someone to press the damn send button! After our discussion about this it didn’t seem to sink in for him.

He did say that he welcomes emails like the one I would have sent if I had actually sent it. Emails where someone is asking him how to proceed with a certain issue and asking what they should do. I can’t bring myself to do that. My emails aren’t quite like that. I actually haven’t sent any emails lately, except for quick ones like suggesting topics to talk about. I was really feeling unsatisfied with the responses I was getting from J via email. Ggrrr, I’m feeling resentful again. I’ve brought up so much in sessions and in emails and nothing ever seems to get resolved, there is no continuity. I’m getting frustrated. And I don’t feel understood, and it makes me sad that I’m a person who is not able to be understood.

Feb 20 2010

Random Thoughts

I’m still here. I ran a half marathon this morning. Now I’m alone in the house. I’ve been thinking. Of course. How does one stop oneself from thinking?

So in July of 2007 I needed a therapist to help me with some issues I was having with my son, who was 17 years old at the time. That is when I started to see J. I went in, told him about my son’s problems, I must have mentioned my son’s name because in looking at old emails (a nice thing about Gmail, you can save everything!) from that time J mentions my son’s name, and he helped me come up with plan. We had a whole thing in writing, like a contract sort of. I met with him a few times. In one email I sent him I mentioned the guilt I felt about all of the mistakes I made with my son. He replied that he wanted to know when we’d like to meet again and how it would be helpful to talk about that guilt. But I never pursued it.

This time around, when I needed help with my son’s issues it’s a whole other situation. Now it’s all about feelings, and J trying to get me to see that my son is being unfair. He said if I see the unfairness of the situation it will give me permission to implement a plan. Now it’s all about me. I don’t really understand it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get around to working this out with him.

I meet with new T on Tuesday. Parrot T. Woman T. Stranger T. Causing me a lot of anxiety T. I have anxiety with J, even though I’ve been seeing him for so long. But Parrot T might be worse. I should stop worrying. Living in the future – none of this has happened yet.

Feb 3 2010

Therapy Recap 2/2/10

I started out by telling J that I was having some problems lately. I’m feeling really badly about myself, I’m cutting a lot and I’m thinking about dying a lot. He asked me a lot of questions about the cutting, because my latest cutting habits are a lot different from my usual pattern. So we talked about motivation, and how I feel during and after cutting, and if I feel that I’m cutting in order to be proactive. It has become kind of a habit lately, more so than as a way to relieve bad feelings. But I told him that I have to stop because a friend asked me to join her twice a week to work out with her. She has a trainer that comes to her house, and it sounded like a really good thing to do, and not too expensive since he’s splitting his fee with both of us. I met them for the first time this morning, and of course I had to wear long sleeves, and it was really hot. If I’m going to keep this up I’m going to have to switch to cooler workout shirts, which means no cutting on my arms.

Then he asked me what’s been going on to cause me to be feeling this way, and I told him that it started about six weeks ago or so and there have been some stressors in my life. He asked if they were “garden variety” stressors and said he didn’t mean to minimize them, but he just wanted to know if there was something else that was more major. There are a number of factors, and I did say that, but of course when I only have 45 minutes to cover everything I can only focus on one or two items. He knows about my weight issues and mentioned that I did tell him a couple of weeks ago that I had gained some weight. He said, “Was it five pounds?” I said, “NO, it was two pounds.” But that is garden variety stress.

There were a couple of things I could have picked as my major impetus for the negative feelings, but I decided to tell him about the situation with my son. I said that at the beginning of January I decided that I would set a goal for myself – by the end of the month I would do “something” about my son. (As a reminder, he is 19 years old, flunked out of college last May, has not gotten a job, doesn’t go to school, stays up all night and sleeps all day, spends all of his time on his computer and playing video games, and doesn’t drive.) So as the end of January was getting closer and closer I was getting more and more distraught and feeling like I was an incompetent parent. I kept thinking I should do “something” but I didn’t know what the “something” was. Lots of people are freely giving me their advice and opinions, despite the fact that I do not ask for their input, but I didn’t feel comfortable with any of these ideas.

As I was talking about my son I said to J, “Have you noticed I don’t use names? I just found out recently that people use names in therapy.” He said that’s normal, he doesn’t use names when he is talking to people who don’t know the names of those to whom he is referring. He said it’s not weird that I don’t use names, that in fact some people use so many names it’s like a soap opera. I told him about a woman that called the hotline the other day, and was using everyone’s names. And it turns out that her son goes to my daughter’s school, they are in the same grade, and all of the names she mentioned were people that I know. That was disconcerting.

We talked about how my parenting issues with my son cause me to feel badly about myself due to how I think I made so many mistakes with him. I asked him what I should do about the situation. I was thinking that this was good, I’ve never really asked him about a specific situation in the year and a half since I’ve been seeing him, so maybe I can actually get help with this. We talked about parental responsibilities and how I need to figure out what mine and my husband’s responsibility is at this point. He talked about how I need to discuss this with my husband, and I can write about it since I express myself more easily in writing.

Towards the end he asked how I was feeling about this. I told him that it seemed overwhelming and that my husband is basically useless in matters of this type. We talked about whether my husband considers this my responsibility and I said that no, he doesn’t, but I think I consider it my responsibility. He asked if my husband would be willing to join me in carrying out a plan, when and if we develop a plan, and I said that I thought he would as long as it doesn’t cause him any conflict.

So my “homework” is to figure out what my responsibility is for my son. He said I could email him, or bring it next week, or I don’t even have to do it (I supposed he doesn’t want me to feel pressured).

Thinking about my responsibility for my son is causing old bad feelings. I posted on my facebook asking for input in what a parent’s responsibility is for their adult teenage child, but didn’t get much feedback. I think it is definitely a gray area.

My son is capable of working, he doesn’t have any kind of disability that prevents him from doing so. J and I talked about theoretical things like charging him rent, or kicking him out. He said if we kick him out of the house we are making that decision, but if we charge him rent and he doesn’t pay it, he is making the decision to be kicked out. I said, “So then I don’t have to feel guilty?” And he said I didn’t need to feel guilty either way. That’s great in theory, but what parent doesn’t feel guilty about things like this?

I think it may be fairly easy for me to determine what a generic parent’s responsibility is for their generic adult child. But since I feel very strongly that I caused many of my son’s problems regarding his ability to function in the world, I think my responsibilities are different than the generic ones would be. Imagine that a parent was driving drunk with their child in the car, and got into an accident that left the child with permanent disabilities. I would think that parent would feel much more responsibility for the care of the child than a parent to whom this did not occur.

Now, this is a very extreme example, but sometimes it takes an extreme example to get people to understand what I’m talking about. In the past I have felt that J didn’t really get the extent that my actions, or non-actions, had on my son over his course of his childhood. So I don’t really feel very comfortable discussing this with him.

I felt conflicted when I left the session. J didn’t even acknowledge that I said I think of dying a lot, but I have heard of therapists who don’t discuss death and/or suicide with their patients. I don’t know why that is exactly, I’ll have to do some research.

But later on, I realized that perhaps he could really help me with this situation, that it is a tangible real life problem, unlike nebulous things like self esteem or body image. Maybe this will get me to feel more positive about my therapy.

But later on still, I realized that thinking about the homework assignment is bringing up painful feelings, and I’ll probably have to discuss those with him, and then we’ll be back to the nebulous issues again.

So I’m not sure where I stand now, but I do want to think about the homework, at least in regards to the responsibilities of a generic family. I’ll work on that first.

Jan 6 2010

Being An Unpleasant Patient

Remember the problems I had with my tooth between July and October? I wrote about it here:

http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=709
http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=711
http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=720
http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=722
http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=776
http://harrietmwelch.com/?p=799

But to summarize, a couple of years ago my dentist told me that I needed a filling replaced. The tooth wasn’t bothering me, but he is the expert, right?, so I got a new filling. Then I had a terrible tooth ache and I ended up needing a root canal and a crown.

So I went to a new dentist. Last year she told me I needed a filling replaced, the tooth wasn’t bothering me and I told her about my previous experience and that I didn’t want a new filling. She finally convinced me to do it in July. A few days after she put in the new filling I got a terrible tooth ache. This led to going back to her office, she looked at the tooth and told me there was nothing she could do, the filling was fine, I needed a root canal. I kept putting it off trying to find another reason for the pain, but ultimately I made the appointment for the root canal. In the meantime my tooth got infected and I needed antibiotics first. Then finally I had the first part of the root canal, and when the appointment for the second part came around my mother’s husband died and I had to postpone it. Then my tooth got infected again, and I had to take a different antibiotic which I had an allergic reaction to and got hives all over my body. The endodontist prescribed me a different antibiotic, the infection cleared up, I had the second root canal (oops I forgot to mention my bad reaction to the Novocain both times), and then the crown. All of this ended in October.

Today I went to the dentist for my regularly scheduled tooth cleaning. After the hygienist was done and while I was waiting for the dentist, I happened to see my chart on the counter right next to me, and I took a little browse through it. I read what the dentist wrote about me in August when I went back to see her after the filling and while I was in extreme pain taking 20 Advil every day. She wrote that she checked the tooth and the filling is fine and I need a root canal. She also wrote that “the patient is very upset, and is rude to me and to the other dentist who suggested she needs a root canal. Patient may need to be discharged from our practice.” Gulp.

Me? Discharged? I am the perfect patient! I’m never late, I don’t cancel, my checks don’t bounce, I’m pleasant…. However, the day in question was a bad day for me. I was angry that she talked me into having this filling replaced, I was angry that I now needed a root canal and a crown that would cost about $2500, I was in very bad pain, and I was rude. Yes, I was rude to her. I think I was crying as well. I know that there is no excuse for rudeness, and I’m sorry I was rude. But wouldn’t a dentist understand how someone feels when they have a tooth ache? Don’t they know how it hurts? I’m truly sorry I wasn’t happy and smiling and pleasant, but I felt like shit and I was mad.

When I came in to the office in October for my crown she wrote, “Patient is much more pleasant today.” So I guess she decided not to discharge me. I’ve been going to this office for about 3 years, and once I was rude. Once! I realize that she has the right to keep me or discharge me, she has the right to choose who her patients are, and I’m sure she doesn’t want unpleasant ones. I don’t really think I was so unpleasant that she would discharge me, but maybe I’m wrong about that.

When the dentist came in at the end of the appointment today she was so cheery and friendly, “How was your New Year’s? Did you party?” On and on (we had a very nice relationship prior to the filling)….I had just finished reading what she wrote about me and was not really in the mood to be friendly anymore, but I didn’t want her to think I’m unpleasant so I answered her questions, and asked her what she did on New Year’s Eve.

I felt so bad when I left. Logically I know that I was rude that day in August, that what she wrote in my chart is true, that she can discharge me for whatever reason she chooses. If she doesn’t like people with green eyes, she doesn’t have to treat people with green eyes. But if she discharged me because I have green eyes I don’t think I would be upset about it.

Today I was feeling badly about the whole blog issue and letting my therapist read it. It’s not like I don’t trust him, but now I’m going to feel bad telling him I don’t want him to read it. So I was thinking about that this morning, but I decided to call a friend (the one friend I have left) to ask her if she wanted to go to lunch since she always calls me and I was feeling guilty about never calling her, and she said she would love to go to lunch. I was planning on going shoe shopping, because I always reward myself after the dentist with a new pair of shoes, but then I just felt like shit. We had lunch, and that took my mind off of things for an hour or so, but then I didn’t have it in me to get some new shoes (and that’s saying something!) so I just came home.

I thought the wellbutrin is supposed to take care of stuff like this. Isn’t that why I’m taking it, so that I don’t feel things so sensitively? What is the point of putting up with the insomnia and the head buzzing if I still get upset so easily? And I know I’m too sensitive and I hold onto things too much and too long. And I know that logically this situation made perfect sense and I shouldn’t be upset about it, especially because it all turned out fine. So why am I still thinking about it? At least my teeth are clean.

Jan 2 2010

Things I Learned in Therapy in 2009

I spent the day yesterday reading through the 245 pages of my journal/blog, and what I read was so fascinating to me. I decided to tell J the discoveries I have made by reading a year’s worth of writing, and here is part of the email I sent him today.

*****************************************

I originally started my journal by hand, but in December of 2008 I began writing it in Microsoft Word. It is now 245 pages long (don’t worry, I’m not sending it to you). When I saw that I thought, wow maybe I should stop writing and start living, but I spent the day yesterday reading over it (a good thing to do on January 1st) and so many things became clear to me, and I learned a few things as well. So I’m sending you this email because there is no way I will remember it all on Tuesday. Maybe you can make some sense of it and figure out what to talk about next week.

Many of my journal entries are self indulgent, self pitying, hard to read. I feel like I am reading about someone else, although I know I wrote this, I remember writing most of it. My first reaction in reading these is to delete them, but I didn’t do that. I think I might want to read them every once in a while to remind myself that I am striving to NOT be that person anymore. I kind of feel sorry for the person who wrote these entries, she doesn’t seem like a bad person.

After reading about myself over the period of 13 months I see that in that time I didn’t do anything bad. I may have caused people to become impatient with me, I may have confused people, but I didn’t actually do anything bad. (Thoughts don’t count here). Seeing this in black and white is really eye opening. I do a lot of good things, and I have some good qualities, and some good talents. Maybe I’m not really bad after all (not counting old parenting issues, etc.)

There is an entry in February when I was considering dropping out of my flying group. I wrote about how I’m not a perfect flyer (there are certain airports I won’t fly into, certain airlines I won’t fly, and certain types of planes I won’t get on), but I’m a good enough flyer. I thought you’d like that.

I really can see how I have way too high expectations of myself sometimes. There was an entry in May where I write about how I painted the whole bathroom, including the ceiling, over the weekend. And then at the end I write, “I’m so unmotivated lately.” I think I’m much more aware of doing that now.

I also am trying to be nicer to myself. I was cooking something a few weeks ago and I got a little messy and spilled something on the stove. My thought was immediately, “I am such an idiot.” But then I thought that if it was my husband or one of my kids who did that I would never say they are an idiot. So I did a take back and told myself that I’m not an idiot. Reading the journal makes it so clear about how hard I am on myself. If I was reading this and it was written by someone else I wouldn’t understand why she is so mean to herself.

In May I wrote that you said progress would be if I could move from shame (mentioned 65 times in the 245 pages) to low self-esteem (60 times) to acceptance. I think I might be in the low self-esteem category now, so I’ve made progress. This is where I would normally make a sarcastic comment like “at a snail’s pace” or apologize for taking so long and so much of your time, or say what a loser I am for making such a tiny step in a whole year. But I won’t do that. I don’t do that anymore.

And guilt was only mentioned 27 times, so maybe soon it will be shame mentioned only 27 times and guilt 65 times. That would be progress too.

I didn’t realize how much you liked the cutting collage, or you seemed to anyway. I wrote that you looked at it a lot, and brought it up a lot. I guess it must appeal to your sensing function. I made another collage this week, I’ll bring it in Tuesday.

We talked many times about me being a bother to you, being boring, not having anything interesting to say, how this only costs me $19.40 a week so I should probably only get 1/7 of the attention you would give to a full paying client. The word bother appears 30 times in the 245 pages. I wrote a lot about feeling bad that you are so nice to me.

I wrote quite a bit about how I wasn’t able to communicate things very well to you and it led to me feeling misunderstood. Email worked when it worked, but it didn’t work very well sometimes. I would like to be able to communicate better, not just with you. I’ve been noticing I have this problem with other people, and maybe that is why everything is just on the surface.

Reading the journal I realize that food and weight issues are part of the reason I stopped seeing friends (the other part being I was just isolating and avoiding stress). At this time last year I was going out with friends all of the time. But then I became fixated on food issues, and it was too hard to keep doing that. The words food/eat/eating/weight appear 201 times. And I don’t think we’ve ever even talked about this.

I wrote a few times (12) about having my feelings validated and how you don’t do that. I think that was the cause of having hurt feelings and anger at the beginning. You do say that feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are, so in general you are validating feelings. But in specific instances you don’t do that, and I’m used to it now. I guess I missed out on feelings validation when I was a child or something, but I’m trying to be the kind of person who doesn’t need her feelings validated by a third party.

About the bell curve (mentioned only 11 times, although maybe the find command didn’t catch the times I called it the bell f***ing curve), I understand that for all of the aspects of me that cause me to feel different, or weird, that I am somewhere on the bell curve. Not necessarily in the middle, usually not in the middle. But isn’t everyone on the bell curve, even those with extreme differences? They are on there, just over at the ends.

It seems as though you had to walk a fine line between my desire to be like everyone else, and the fact that in some regards I am not like everybody else. There were times you called me or something I do strange, and times when you said something about all of your other clients doing or feeling something totally opposite of me. I would usually get offended by those things. But reading the journal has made some things clearer to me in this regard; although I still have some confusion as well.

I’m actually not sure what it is about me that makes me feel different. You’ve pointed out some things, for example how all of your other clients feel safe in your office and I don’t, how your other clients are impressed with the way you remember things they’ve said and I find fault when you don’t remember things I’ve said, how your other clients’ therapy is more linear because they have a specific problem and I don’t, how a lot of clients come to see you to learn how to have stronger boundaries but I’m in the minority, that I’m the only client who has ever told you that you are intimidating, that you frequently explain why you are doing something or your motivations for doing something to me and you don’t do that with most clients. I wrote that maybe you are trying to get me to accept all of my weirdnesses (differences would be a better way of saying it) instead of trying to change to become normal.

Which brings me to the cyclical nature of my feelings towards you. At first it went like this: I liked you one week, you made me mad or hurt my feelings the next week, I liked you the next week, etc….. Now it is more like: I like you one week, the next week you make me mad or hurt my feelings, the next week I realize it’s not you who did that but it’s me projecting, I like you the next week, etc…..

Some troubling things –

Naturally, I have forgotten some things we talked about, but when I read what I wrote about them it comes back. There are a couple of exceptions though. In December 2008 I wrote that I gave you a letter I had written. I have the letter in my journal as well as in the document folder on my computer. But I have no recollection of writing it, giving it to you, or you reading it. The same with an email I wrote in May that I have no recollection of writing, but it’s in my sent mail folder, so I guess I really did send it. Forgetting about things we talked about is no big deal, but forgetting about things I actually did is unsettling.

It appears that there are times when I am in total denial. For example in January I got angry at you because you asked me the same question two weeks in a row. A few weeks later you brought up the fact that it made me angry, and I said I didn’t know what you were talking about, I was never angry.

In December 2008 we were talking about the same issue as we talked about in December 2009 – intrusive thoughts. And the same things about the intrusive thoughts, like what’s the payoff. We never resolved anything and I guess that topic just got put on the back burner. It’s kind of discouraging that we are having the same conversation a year later.

And it seems I started to feel not so well in January, maybe because I went off the wellbutrin in middle of December 2008? I started it again at the very end of October. It dismays me to realize that I might really need the wellbutrin; I went off of it because of the side effects. I have a lot of trouble sleeping, and it makes my head buzz. And with everything that is already going in my head, the buzzing is not welcome. Now that I’m taking it again I’m getting the same side effects. So this is somewhat of a challenge.

So that is it for 2009. Thank you for everything you do for me, I really appreciate it even if it doesn’t seem so and even if you don’t have any toys in your office. See you Tuesday,

Nov 4 2009

Guilt vs. Anxiety

J, my therapist, said something that I found intriguing during our session yesterday. But of course I forgot what it was the minute I walked out the door. That frequently happens. I emailed him to see if he remembered what he said, and he did. Wow, I don’t know how he remembers something he said to me at 11am when he sees 6 or 7 more clients afterward.

But what he pointed out to me is that, for me, internalizing guilt, which I am guilty of (no pun intended), might diminish anxiety. I don’t have to worry about anything going wrong because it’s all my fault already. The guilt is a defense against the anxiety. Cool insight, huh?

Oct 20 2009

Therapy Recap 10/20/09

J started with the usual, “What are we talking about today?” I had an answer ready, or should I say a question. I asked, “How did you know that D is a social worker?” (D was my son’s old therapist and the reason I started seeing J in the first place.) J said I told him that D is a social worker, or maybe he knows he is a social worker because he has a pretty good idea of who D is (I never would give him D’s last name, I’m afraid to tell him his name because I’m afraid he knows him or is a friend of his.) I said that I really don’t remember telling him that D is a social worker.

J wanted to know why this is an issue for me. So what if he knows D or is his friend? We had a whole discussion about that and how I would feel badly about talking negatively about someone who could be his friend, and how I would be embarrassed if J knows D. I’m also concerned that J won’t believe the things I told him about D if they are friends. Would you believe negative things said about your friend from someone who isn’t exactly mentally stable? I said that I know that I perceive things wrong, that I have learned that in therapy, so maybe everything I thought that D did wrong, or the things that bordered on unethical, were actually incorrect perceptions on my part.

Then he talked to me about perceptions. And how even if a perception is incorrect it is still how we feel and that needs to be taken seriously. If someone hurts our feelings we feel hurt even if the person didn’t mean to do it.

This led to a discussion about boundaries, since D didn’t really have any and my reaction to that is having really strong boundaries with J. He mentioned the time that I had to cancel my appointment because I was going out of town, and he offered to reschedule onto another day. I asked if that was a boundary violation. He was surprised that I would think a little thing like switching my appointment to another day is a boundary violation. I said that I would never switch my appointment, and he asked why not. I said it would be asking you for something, and I wouldn’t do that. He explained that first of all it’s ok to ask for something, and second people change appointments all the time and it’s no big deal. It’s part of his job, like cleaning his office, and he said he even cleans the toilet in the bathroom. I said I would never use his bathroom. He said, You would never drink out of the water cooler either. Yep, that’s right.

He asked me how long I’ve been thinking about whether or not he knows D because he said he was a social worker last week. I said I was thinking about it all week. He says he feels bad for me. I said that I didn’t want him to feel bad for me, that he shouldn’t feel bad for me. I don’t want him to pity me, and he said he doesn’t pity me. I said well, it makes me feel like a loser if you feel bad about me, because if I wasn’t a loser you wouldn’t feel bad for me (interesting logic, isn’t it?). It’s not therapeutic. Then he explained how he felt, but I don’t remember what he said. My brain can only hold so much.

We got to talking about my mother again, and how it’s difficult because nothing is ever right. She’s like Goldilocks and the three bears, except nothing is ever “just right”. Either you talk too much, or not enough, you’re driving too fast, or too slow, you come over too much, or not enough. She is constantly making comments like this about everyone, although she doesn’t criticize me to my face. If she does criticize me she tells my sister, and then my sister tells me. I asked J why, if she is critical of others, I take it that she is criticizing me? And he said, Because she is your mother.

He explained that it is actually liberating to be with someone who criticizes everything. If you can’t do anything right you can just whatever you want! Hmmm. I have to process that. My reaction to her is that I can never do anything right. But I should think of it as just being able to do whatever I want because it will never be good enough for her. And he said that because she does this with everyone it has nothing to do with me. Hmmm, another thing to process. Her judgments have nothing to do with me. There is nothing wrong with me, it’s her. She does it with everyone. There is nothing wrong with me.

Wow, that is intense.

Later in the day my mother called me. She was at a store and she saw something I would like and she wanted to know if I wanted it in purple or brown. She bought it for me. Then I felt so bad about talking about her with J. She was in a store and saw something and bought it for me, after I’ve been complaining about her.