Tag Archives: health

Nov 7 2011

Reiki & Writing

Last Tuesday night I had a Reiki session. My last two sessions were 30 minutes, but I booked this one for a full hour. I love Reiki, and my Reiki therapist is wonderful. She is about half my age, but somehow or other I can feel her energy, and she can feel mine, as well as where my energy is blocked. Last week she said my lower body was very balanced, most people have trouble on one side or the other, maybe mine is balanced from running. But she said there was energy stuck in my shoulders, so she worked mostly on the upper body.

I felt good enough when I got home to attempt to write a story for my writing class reunion. It is about the 43 days that I had cancer. And you know what? It is awful, I hate it. Just really bad writing. I don’t know whether to trash the whole thing, or try to rewrite, or not even bother. It was disappointing, because I thought I had some good ideas, but the story was just bad.

I knew I couldn’t write any more, but I thought I would give it a try. Back when I was writing I really enjoyed it, so if it’s not enjoyable and what I write is pure crap, I don’t think it is worth it to even try.

One part of the story was really troubling to me though. I wrote that except for my mother, no one from my family came to visit me during my recovery from surgery. I don’t know why that upset me, I knew it was true, but somehow seeing it in print made it more true.

On a happier note, my husband and I went to visit my daughter at college this weekend, and we had a great time. Sometimes she gets cranky, but she was in a good mood, and my husband and I got along really well. I did have to nap every day, but I wasn’t as tired as I thought I would be. It was great to see my daughter, and she’ll be home again in just a few weeks for Thanksgiving. It’s hard having her so far away.

Nov 1 2011

Therapy Recap 11/1/11

I really didn’t know what to talk about today, some things went on this week, but I didn’t want to talk about my week, because I hate doing that. Luckily J led the session (usually when I have something to talk about he leads, and when I don’t have anything to talk about he expects me to lead. But this time it worked out.) We started with how I am feeling, talked about that for a while, then we got into an argument (Evan – that one’s for you!) J asked me how I feel compared to how I felt before surgery and I said “About 50%.” J said, “That’s very pessimistic.” Then I got pissed. He has used that word before and I guess I was finally fed up with it. I said that I don’t appreciate being called pessimistic, and what number would he have liked me to give him that wouldn’t be pessimistic. 75%? 90%? He said it was just his opinion, and I said, “I don’t want your opinion” and he said “So what are we doing here?” I said when I ask for your opinion you say you can’t tell me what to do, but you’ll just give your opinion unasked. He said there is a difference between advice and opinion. I told him that my son’s therapist used to say I was pessimistic, he would say the most outlandish things and I would say that would never happen, and he would always say I was pessimistic. I told J that I thought it was a judgmental word.

He said he was sorry if he triggered a hot button for me in regards to my son’s therapist. I said why couldn’t he say something like “That’s a more negative answer than I would have expected.” So he said, “That is a more negative answer that I would have expected.” He said it was just semantics and he doesn’t want to argue with me. That perhaps it was a matter of perception rather pessimism.

We somehow moved on from there, and talked more about how I feeling, and what I am using to judge progress, and I said that frankly I can’t really remember what I felt like before the surgery. But I do feel better than I did a couple of weeks ago, so maybe then I felt 25% of how I was before, and now I am 50%, so I am actually being optimistic.

He asked me how often I think about how I am feeling physically. He always asks me questions like that – I guess he wants to know if I am ruminating so that he can suggest mindfulness again. I told him that I am not thinking about the physical stuff much, more about the relationship stuff. I told him that my sister called me, and that was weird, and my aunt hasn’t called me, she also has not come to visit even though she said she would about five times, and about what my son said when we went out to dinner. I asked how so many people in a family can be dysfunctional and he said “Because they are related.” Later I realized that they are not all related, not by blood anyway.

I talked a lot about my new diet, and how good it makes me feel, how happy I feel now that my diet meshes with my values. That I wanted to do this about 5 years ago, but couldn’t do it because I thought it was too hard. But I guess the health problem was the impetus to really do it now. And how people can’t say anything to me about it being abnormal or bizarre because I am doing it for health reasons. Before I had a very healthy diet, and I did get comments frequently about how I ate. That has basically stopped. How can anyone tell me what to eat if I had cancer? I told J that I tell everyone I am eating this way for my health, but since I have been doing so much reading and watching movies, I believe that I am continuing to eat this way for ethical reasons. I said that I can’t really talk to anyone about that, because people tend to feel threatened, and think that I am implying that I am better than them. Which is totally untrue. I don’t care what other people eat.

I told J that if I asked anyone they would agree that animals should not be kept in tiny cages or pens, they should not be force fed grain that is not their normal diet, and they shouldn’t be treated inhumanely, especially at the slaughterhouse. But people take that information and put it somewhere, so that they can eat what they like to eat. I did it, everyone does it. I said that even though I was one of those people I don’t really understand it. J talked about slavery, and how everyone thought treating a certain race of people inhumanely was fine, and if you didn’t want slaves that you were outside of the norm. But eventually people became enlightened. I have heard animal rights activists compare the way we treat animals with the way we treated slaves decades ago. Not that they are comparing people with animals, more the mindset and the group mentality of what is normal.

Then we talked about how changing my diet is an accomplishment, and do I feel that way? Because I couldn’t do it the first time I tried, and now I can. He also talked about my running as an accomplishment, and he really wants me to see that I have accomplished these things.

At the end of the session J asked me what I thought of the session. I said I thought it was good, did he think there was something wrong? He said that he doesn’t think anything is wrong, he actually thought it was good that we were able to go from having a misunderstanding to having a productive session. He liked that when he said something that made me angry I was able to talk about it right away. I said that yes, normally I would ruminate it about it all week and send him an email, or try to talk about it the next week. But he has used the “pessimistic” word a few times lately and it bothered me but I didn’t say anything. Today I guess I just got fed up. I apologized for responding angrily, but it didn’t seem to bother him. He liked that I was able to respond in the moment. I didn’t like arguing with him, or being angry, but I guess by talking about it right then I was able to move on.

He also said that he thinks that pessimistic isn’t the word he really should be using. That pessimism refers more to things in the future, and I told him that my doctor said to me “How long do you think you’ll be able to keep up this diet?” That, to me, is a pessimistic attitude, and J agreed. He apologized for using the word, and said that he didn’t even use it in the correct grammatical sense.

So anyway, that was it. We didn’t have to talk about my week, but I was able to bring up a couple of things that were bothering me during the week, and yet not focus on those little things, working more on the deeper issues. And I guess it is an accomplishment that I was able to respond in the moment when J made me angry, and that rarely, if ever, happens.

Oct 31 2011

Maybe I’ll Try Writing Again

Friday I was bemoaning the fact that my aunt has seemed to drop off the face of the earth. Lo and behold, on Saturday she facebooked me (I really hate that our primary method of communication is facebook. It’s fine for friends, and even my kids because I know they will always be on facebook, but for a close adult relationship, well I don’t really care for it). Her facebook message was one word: “snow?” I replied, “not really.” That was it.

Then yesterday she facebooked me again. She said, “so how are you? keep missing you call for a phone call”. I don’t even know what that means. I told her I was driving and she said she would call me later. It’s a lot later, over 24 hours later, and I haven’t heard from her.

Remember that writing class I took a while ago? The one I dropped out of, then went back to? And how there were reunion meetings after the class ended? My last reunion meeting was in February or March, and I stopped writing. I thought I couldn’t write anymore. But today the teacher sent out an email saying we would have another reunion next month. I emailed her apologizing for being out of touch, and I told her about my health issues this summer. I also said that I don’t know if I can get anything written by the time the meeting rolls around (I actually felt like I would never write again, but I didn’t tell her that). She responded by saying, “Wow. I hope you do write about it.” And she reminded me that she has a dying website, but said that I probably learned everything I need to know.

Write about it? I thought that was bizarre, why would I write about that? But as the day went on the thought was percolating in my head, and I realized that maybe I could write about it. There are many aspects and angles I could see myself writing about. The illness itself, the emotional toll, the effect it had on my relationships, the fear of never getting better. Wow, I could probably write five stories about it.

I don’t know why I couldn’t write for so long, I have been blaming it on the wellbutrin. Wellbutrin makes me feel better, and I can only write when I am in despair. But maybe writing about my illness will refute that.

Oct 28 2011

My Day

Today was quite a day. Here is a rundown:

1. I emailed my oncologist to see if he could get me an appointment in nephrology. He told me to just be persistent. One thing he said that was somewhat comforting is that it isn’t urgent to get in right away. Hopefully he is saying that based on the pathology report, and that he understands what it means. I have now given up on trying to get an appointment, and I am going to wait and see what happens.

2. Worked for boss #1 this morning. She had asked me to change my schedule around next week because she was going to be using the office on Monday when I usually work. So I told her I could come in Wednesday and Thursday mornings. Today I mentioned that I wouldn’t be there Monday and she seemed surprised. I told her that she asked me to switch days. She asked if I could come in Monday to at least do the newsletters and the bills and I said that I couldn’t come in between 9 and 5. She said “You can’t come in between 9 and 5? Why not?” To which I explained that she had asked me to switch days, and thus I had to rearrange my schedule with my other job, and I would be at the other job all day Monday.

3. While at work this morning, my sister called. I haven’t talked to her since February, and we were together at mother’s brunch last month. I thought it was an emergency, so I answered. She just wanted to tell me that she was so worried about me and thinking about me every day from my diagnosis to my surgery, and she didn’t visit me or call me because she knew I was probably having a lot of stress and that she would just increase my stress level. She was crying. I told her that I wasn’t expecting her to visit or call. I did tell her that I thought it was unusual that when I saw her last month at the brunch she didn’t ask how I am and after brunch she unfriended me from facebook. She said that she actually unfriended me before the brunch, and she didn’t know what to say to me so she said nothing.

4. During the conversation with my sister we talked about my aunt, good aunt, who had told me she would come down to visit me, and not only has she not come down after telling me at least three times when she would be here, I haven’t even heard from her in a few weeks. My sister told me that good aunt has nothing to do with her. They had a huge blowout over a ridiculous thing, and my aunt told her that she never wants to see or hear from her again, and as far as she is concerned my sister is not in her family anymore.

5. Tonight I went out to dinner with my husband and son, and I was telling them about my day. I said that I don’t have any family except my mother, and there must be something wrong with me that I can’t get along with anyone. My son asked if my family members all speak to each other, and I said no. He said, “Well then, it’s not you. It’s them.” Smart boy.

I don’t want to talk about the emotional part of all of this, because then I will have trouble talking about it in therapy. So those are the facts, and just the facts.

Oct 27 2011

How Quickly Things Can Change

I went to see my new oncologist this morning, at the big famous hospital which is one hour away from my home. The place ran like clockwork, very efficient, and everything is computerized. They gave me an orange card with a patient number and a bar code on it and I had to scan it when I went into the office. Some people might think that makes them seems like a number, but I think it makes me seem official. Then I got weighed in kilograms, and I weigh a lot less in the metric system!

My oncologist is very warm and patient. He also has a nurse practitioner who was also great. We discussed whether I should have follow up scans every 3 months, or 6 months. He said “Because you are so young I think 6 month intervals would be better so that you don’t get exposed to excess radiation.” He thinks I’m young, ha! He is younger than me, so that was nice. We decided I would have my first scans in 3 months, and then decide how often after that. And he told me that not eating meat is one of the best things I can do. He is the first doctor to tell me that.

When I left I was feeling so relieved and grateful that I found this doctor. Those feelings were short lived. I looked at my phone and there was a voice mail from the woman in the nephrology (kidney) department at the big famous hospital. The message said that she didn’t see very many records in my file, that the last labs are from August and do I have anything more current, that the doctor doesn’t understand why I want to see him, he wants to know what I am expecting from him, the scheduling office should not have booked me an appointment on November 7th because they are not seeing patients on that day, and she will probably be able to get me an appointment but it won’t be for a while.

I called her back and told her that I saw the oncologist in the morning, and he had no problem seeing all of my records. She looked on her computer and said, “Oh, I see some more records, they must have just come in.” Which is total bull because the oncologist’s office told me all of the records were there a couple of weeks ago. Then I explained to her that I wanted to see a doctor because I had a kidney biopsy, and she could see the pathology report which was done at this very hospital, and it shows mild to severe kidney disease. I saw a kidney doctor locally once, but she was unable to help me and that is why I am looking for a new doctor. And my last lab work was in August because at the beginning of September I had surgery to have my malignant tumor removed from my kidney and haven’t had any labs since then. Then I started to cry, and I said that no one is able to help me understand this, I don’t know if I have 6 months or 6 years until I am in kidney failure, and I have kidney cancer and kidney disease and I just want someone to help me. She said she would talk to the doctor and ask him if I am worthy of seeing.

Then I called back and left her a message saying I will see any doctor in the department. For some reason she kept talking about one particular doctor, I don’t know why.

She is supposed to call me back. If I don’t hear from her tomorrow I am going to email the oncologist (he likes to communicate via email), since he agreed that I should see a nephrologist. Maybe he can help get me in there for an appointment.

Back to being frustrated. Crap.

Oct 25 2011

Therapy Recap 10/25/11

First I apologized for whining and complaining so much last week. J gently mocked me and said “Oh yeah, it was terrible.” He said he didn’t consider it complaining, I was expressing my feelings. I told him that I wanted him to know that I don’t whine and complain to anyone, so unfortunately he has to bear the brunt of it, and he said that is what he is there for, and it’s not complaining. I told him that he shouldn’t have to listen to that all day, and said “Yes I do.”

I told him that I should be filled with gratitude now that I am a cancer survivor and a surgery survivor. He asked me why, and I said that is how people are after they are given a serious diagnosis. He asked me how I know people are like that, and I said because there are stories and articles and forums where people talk about it. J said I don’t need to feel gratitude, and perhaps the people feeling gratitude are just more vocal than the ones who don’t feel the gratitude.

We spent the time talking about how I feel physically and mentally, and my rough week last week with a couple of meltdowns and taking a percocet and getting sick. He asked me what I did to make myself feel better by today, and I never know how to answer that question. I don’t think I did anything.

I told him how I was going to send my boss an email telling her that I needed to cut back, but I never did it. I said derogatory things like “I’m so stupid” and “I’m a failure.” I changed that to “I am a failure at asserting myself.” And “I’m never going to change, I’ve been coming here for years and I’m not changing.” J disagreed and said he has seen changes, and gave specific examples. I said that I am still continuing to put other people’s needs before mine, and having a fear that they won’t like me if am not always competent and put together. I guess I am getting a little better with my friends, but work is still tough.

We talked more about how I went back to work too soon, and I asked him why he didn’t tell me not to. He said he can’t tell me what to do. Since when?

Then we got into my fear of sickness, and not wanting to admit I can’t work because that means I am sick. We talked about that for a while, and I told him that when my father was ill I would call my mother to see how my dad was doing on any particular day and she would screech: “He’s sick!” Well, I knew that, I was asking more along the lines of “How is dad’s breathing today” or “Did dad get out of bed today.” We talked about the label “sick” and my feelings about it, and the fact that I am really not sick, and if I take some time off work it doesn’t mean I am sick, I just need some time to recuperate from surgery. I also said I am old and J asked me why I think I am old; I said “People my age are old.”

I asked J if both of his parents were still living, and he said one of them is. I asked if it was his dad, and he said no, his dad died. I asked him how old he was when his dad died, and he said he was 19. His dad must have been young. J asked me why I was asking, what was I thinking about. So we got into my dad’s experience, and my feelings about it, and my fear that it will happen to me. I told him that when my dad got sick I decided to have a baby, even though we weren’t planning on having a baby so quickly. But I was afraid my dad would die with no grandchildren. J said that was a way for me to take control in whatever way I could.

J asked me how much lately I am thinking about my dad’s illness and worrying about mine, and I told him that this week in particular I was thinking about it a lot because I have been having trouble getting an appointment with the doctor at the big famous hospital, and no one is calling me back. And I don’t know what the biopsy of my kidney means, so I am just living with uncertainty. I told him that I would rather be told that I have 6 months to live, than to be uncertain about what is going on. I have no plan of action, and it is making me anxious. I feel that when I meet with the doctor, and he explains things to me and gives me more information I think I will have a lot less worrying.

J said that made sense, and he said that he felt that when I got the cancer diagnosis it seemed to energize me, that I took control and did research and figured out what I needed and how to get it done. I told him that I like a project, however I would have preferred one that didn’t involve cancer. He also said that my fear of illness is very understandable considering my father’s age vs my age, my father’s diagnosis vs my diagnosis, and my mother’s label of sickness. When my father got sick he didn’t work anymore, so to me not working = sick.

J asked me what I think the chances are of me ending up like my father. I know that in addition to kidney failure my dad had very bad heart problems, and I don’t. And I said that when/if I get to kidney failure I will not go on dialysis, so I won’t end up like my dad.

At the end of the session J said he wants me to think or talk, I can’t remember which, about my father and his illness and how I dealt with it, and my mother’s reactions and how she handled it, and my fear of being like my father. I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, and I got sad. I told J that my father was the parent who, I wouldn’t say liked me better because I am sure my mother liked me, but always thought that no matter what I did it was great, and was always so proud of me and showed it.

He also mentioned the mindfulness thing again, that I should dust off the mindfulness cd’s. I can’t do mindfulness, because I get the intrusive thoughts very badly, and I’d rather think about what is going to happen in the future, or what I did in the past, than try not to think about anything and have the intrusive thoughts. I’ll have to remind him about that.

And today, thanks to the intervention of my primary care physician, I was able to get an appointment with a kidney doctor at the big famous hospital. I’ll be seeing him November 7th. The ending of the frustration of trying to get that appointment is like a weight off of my shoulders. In two weeks I’ll know what I’m dealing with and what I am up against, and no matter what it is, it is better than the uncertainty.

Oct 18 2011

Therapy Recap 10/18/11

I’ve been depressed lately. I did have a good time at the beach with my friend this past weekend, but still feeling dismayed at how easily I get tired, and my lightheadedness, and my inability to run without my heart beating too fast and the headaches.

J asked me how the beach was and I said it was good. Then I told him that it turns out I do have a medical issue, so there. I said that I was mad at him at first, but now I am just sad. I told him that I didn’t think he believed me when I said I was feeling worse, that he made me doubt myself, and that he thinks I am so neurotic that I make up illness, or imagine it.

He said that was not his intention. That I know my body best. I said that is exactly true, so why was he trying to get me to doubt myself? I asked if it was a therapeutic technique – getting me to change my beliefs. He said that it was not. He said he is not a medical doctor, so the only issue he can work with me on is the mental aspect. He said that it doesn’t have to either mental or physical, it’s not either/or. I told him that he asked me last week if I thought this was a mental issue or a physical one. He didn’t say is it a mental and/or a physical issue, or is it mental or physical or xyz issue? He gave me two choices. And when he asked me I told him that I couldn’t answer the question until I got the results of my blood test.

J explained that, like a parent, he was being a foil to me and how I was thinking. If a child comes home with a failing grade on a test and says he is a complete failure, the parent would tell him that he is not a failure and it is just one test. But if the child comes home and says he failed a test, but it’s no big deal because he can throw out the lowest grade, the parent would say that doesn’t matter, the child should work harder at studying. So that is what he was doing with me.

He asked me if I was looking for validation from him last week, for him to say that I do feel worse and whatever else he would say to validate me. I told him that, no, I was not looking for that. I had seen my doctor the day before and she totally believed me and did tests and made me feel that I wasn’t a crazy obsessive hypochondriac. But I was not looking for him to make me doubt myself either, and when I left the session last week I was truly confused.

Then we talked about the vitamin b12 deficiency, and that I am relieved that it is something that can be treated. We spent quite a bit of time talking about how I feel that I will never get better, and he said I don’t know that for sure. I said that I am trying to be realistic, and he said that we don’t know if that is realistic. I said I don’t want to be optimistic, because what if I really never get better? It is better to have low expectations and be pleasantly surprised than to have high expectations and be disappointed. He said he normally feels that way, but in this case I shouldn’t think that way. I told him that the nurse told me I would feel better right away after the injection, but that didn’t out to be the case.

He said rather than say I will never get better, I should look at it that I am afraid of being sick. We talked about my fear, and I mentioned my father again, and that based on my experience with people in my family, people tend to get sick and never get better.

We talked about work, and how I made a mistake going back to work after just two weeks, and not speaking up to my bosses to tell them I couldn’t do the amount of work that I normally did before the surgery. I said that to talk to them about that would be admitting that I am sick, and I made a commitment to my jobs and I don’t want to break my commitment. J said that if I continue to overwork myself I might get sick enough that I can’t work at all, and then I would really be breaking my commitment. We spent some time talking about how I can’t talk about this to my bosses, and why.

J told me that I looked sullen today. I told him that I have been feeling down and hopeless and without much hope that I will get better. I said it’s been two months already. He said he didn’t want to argue with me, but it has only been five weeks. Really? Yes, he is right, but it seems like the surgery was much longer ago.

I felt like I was whining and complaining in session today. I got through cancer, I survived my surgery, and here I am whining and complaining because I am tired and lightheaded and get headaches and lose my balance and can’t do what I used to do. Should cancer make me feel obligated to be grateful and have an amazing life? I would think many people think so. I feel ungrateful.

After the session I met a good friend for lunch. Her husband recently found out that he has cancer, and he started radiation yesterday, and he has a tough road ahead. My friend said, “Getting old sucks” and I just started crying. She asked me what was wrong and I said that I just feel like I am never going to get better than this, and I hate being sick, and I am overwhelmed with all of the medical stuff I am dealing with. I woke up at 5am today thinking “Which doctor told me to get blood work before I came in – the oncologist? The surgeon? The nephrologist?” I’m always talking to doctor’s offices, and faxing things, and calling again to be sure the faxes arrived, and keeping track of paperwork. My kidney binder is getting bigger and bigger. It is overwhelming and I don’t want to do it, I just don’t want any of this. But of course, it is what it is and I need to accept it, put on my big girl panties and get through it.

I vowed to myself at my next session I won’t whine and complain.

I am trying to get up the courage to email my boss and tell her that I really can’t work as much as I have been, that it is wearing me down, and I’m not getting better. J told me what to say, and my friend told me the same thing. But I can’t do it. I guess I am afraid of what she will think of me, and this is my constant problem, worrying about what other people think, not wanting to disappoint anyone. It is a problem that I haven’t been able to overcome in three years of therapy.

I wanted to stop at the wine shop on my way home and buy a bottle of wine, which I haven’t done since March. When I am depressed I want to drink, and when I drink I get depressed. I forced myself to go home without any wine. But tonight I took one of the 40 Percocet tablets that I was prescribed after the surgery. It is making me feel better. But I know this isn’t a solution. I don’t know what the solution is, I guess there isn’t one.

Oct 12 2011

There IS Something Wrong With Me!

My doctor called today and told me that I have a vitamin b12 deficiency.  I looked it up and the symptoms match mine.  I have to get b12 injections monthly for three months and if my levels increase enough I can switch to oral b12, or I might have to continue the injections.

So there, J, wonder therapist who didn’t believe me that I started feeling worse a week and a half ago.  He tried to convince me that I didn’t feel worse, that I just wasn’t getting better fast enough, or I was in an emotional dizzy after getting the news about my kidney disease.  Ha, I really was feeling worse, I am not crazy.

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Oct 1 2011

If I Wanted To Be A Doctor, I Would Have Gone To Med School

I wrote this post back on August 18th. I had had a more comprehensive test to see if I have kidney disease (in addition to kidney cancer) and the test came out normal, so both my surgeon and my nephrologist told me that I don’t have kidney disease.

However, my surgeon removed a little piece of my healthy kidney to have it biopsied, because that is the best way to determine if there is kidney damage. Last week my surgeon called and said, “The pathology report came back showing kidney disease. But don’t worry about it. I’ll send the report to your kidney doctor.” I called the kidney doctor a couple of days later (because she never called me) and she said, “You have kidney disease, and it is severe in certain spots. But there isn’t anything you can do about it.”

Don’t worry about it?

There is nothing I can do about it?

I asked for a copy of the pathology report, which I received yesterday, and then I spent hours trying to interpret it. The kidney is a very complicated organ, with lots of little parts that do lots of different things, and the pathology report is full of complicated vocabulary which isn’t used in day to day language. A kidney biopsy covers the major parts of the kidney – the glomeruli, tubules, interstitium and vessels.

Words I had to look up:

Acute
Ischemic
Glomerular
Focal
Fibrosis
Tubular atrophy
Hyaline casts
Fibrointimal
Interstitial

What I have determined is that I have:

1. Glomerular focal ischemic changes – mild
2. Acute tubular injury – mild
3. Ischemic changes reflecting chronic hypertensive vascular disease – focally severe
4. Chronic tubulointerstitial changes – focally mild
5. Arterial fibrointimal thickening with reduplication of elastic and replacement of smooth muscle – focally severe

How about that?

What this means is that I have spotty areas that have a restriction in blood supply in my glomeruli, which are tiny collections of capillaries that carry blood through the kidneys. These collections of capillaries also filter out waste, which comes out of the body in the form of urine. So that is a mild problem.

I have had some kind of mild spotty tubular injury which is not a chronic condition – the tubules are part of the nephron that waste filters through.

I have mild ischemic changes (ischemic means a restriction in blood supply) from chronic (chronic means ongoing vs a particular incident) hypertensive vascular disease and this is severe in spots. (Hypertensive means high blood pressure.)

I have mild chronic tubulointerstitial changes in spots – the tubulointerstitial area of the kidney is the part of the kidney outside of the glomeruli, nephrons, tubules, etc. This area has a lot of blood vessels and absorbs fluid recovered from urine.

As for #5, I have no idea what that means, I have been unable to interpret it, but I want to figure out what it is, because it is severe.

Bored yet?

I am now in the process of getting an appointment with a nephrologist at a major teaching hospital in my state, because I have never liked, trusted or had faith in the nephrologist I am seeing now. I particularly didn’t like her attitude of “You have kidney disease and you can’t do anything about it.” I asked her if I should change my diet and she said, “Well, I don’t know what your lab values are.” I had tons of blood work this summer, so maybe she should check my chart?

Since my father was in kidney failure and was a transplant recipient I know a lot about the kidney diet and I can handle this on my own. But I would like to see a doctor who can actually explain all of this to me, because I have spent so many hours trying to figure this out and I am tired. I also think it sucks. Cancer isn’t enough? I have kidney disease also?

Sep 20 2011

Therapy Recap 9/20/11

I haven’t seen J in two weeks, due to the surgery. I was feeling so much better today when I woke up, much less pain and discomfort and no nausea for the first time in 11 days. What a relief. But of course I was anxious about going to therapy.

It was hard to get comfortable on J’s couch, I moved around a lot, took off my shoes and kind of stretched out. I can’t stay in one position for very long though.

I don’t know what he was expecting but when I walked in he said in a surprised voice, “You look the same!” Well, I don’t know if that is good, but at least I don’t look worse. I did put on make up and blow dried my hair, but due to my incisions I am still in yoga pants. I wore a nice blue sweater though. He seemed happy to see me, and I stopped being anxious.

Of course we talked about the surgery, the hospital, and the recovery. I touched on a few things of interest – family stuff, problems with my iv, my change in diet, how friends are helping, etc. It wasn’t really a therapeutic session, just talking and catching up.

As I was leaving I said that I wished I could have come with no make up, hair in a ponytail and sweatpants. He said I certainly could show up that way, lots of people do. I told him that I can’t, that he sets the bar too high. He made a joke about how he didn’t wear make up today.

At the end of the session J said that I was a couple of minutes late, which I never am (true, I was 2 minutes late and I am always EXACTLY on time) and he thought maybe I didn’t feel well and couldn’t come. He said that he was so happy I came and that he was so glad to see me, and I look the same. He sounded really genuine, like he doesn’t care that I showed up just so that he could make $120, it sounded like he was really glad that I was able to come.

Maybe that is the therapeutic part.