Tag Archives: husband

Dec 24 2012

Another No-Send Email to My Old T

I’ve been writing a lot of these, this is the latest.

Dear J,

I’ve been thinking so much about my therapy with you and why it was so wrong. I keep reading my blog from the end of 2008 through 2010 and it seems like we rarely connected. I don’t know why I kept coming back and why you didn’t suggest that I needed another kind of therapy. I wish I knew what I did wrong so that I don’t do it wrong again this time.

And now it is Christmas eve and I’ve been packing and spackling and painting, and getting ready to sell this house, and having a terrible relationship with my husband, and I picture you so happy with your family and your dog and your Christmas tree and your kids waiting for tomorrow morning for their presents and it seems so nice.

Things aren’t terrible though. We went to my mother’s yesterday for our Hanukkah celebration and it was very nice, all the kids and both husbands were there, and the football game was on so that was a good distraction. My sister and I got along very well and talked, but just about surface stuff of course. And naturally my husband doesn’t talk to my mother or sister, but they didn’t comment about that.

And tomorrow my husband’s sister and her family, and his parents, and our niece and her husband and baby are coming over for another Hanukkah celebration and the kids will be very happy to see each other. My daughter hasn’t seen anyone for the last 4 months so everyone is happy to see her. It’s great having her back, of course, she spent a few hours with us and now is out with friends, but that’s ok.

I don’t know why I am ruminating so much on our therapy. I know you say it wasn’t bad and you can’t do therapy wrong, but I know that you know that I didn’t do it like most people do. But it is ok with Art T that I don’t talk about my week, so if I had known that there were different kinds of therapy in the beginning, and if I had known which kind I wanted and needed, it would have made things a lot different. I would have known that therapy with you wasn’t the kind for me. But I didn’t know any of those things, and why didn’t you? Why didn’t you tell me?

Jan 19 2012

Family Therapist #2

Last night my husband and I met with family therapist #2 – Dr. S. He only wanted to meet with us, not with my son. He is a very nice guy, and the session went exactly how I thought it would, but not how I wanted it to go. I did 99% of the talking. I tried not to answer questions so that my husband would be forced to say something, but whenever Dr. S asked us a question and I would be silent my husband would just look at me. Finally I blurted out “Why do you keep looking at me? Why do I have to do all the talking?”

Dr. S didn’t do a good job of getting my husband to talk, maybe he didn’t even try. We got on the subject of us giving our son money, and I said that my son knows not to even ask me. So Dr. S asked if my husband gave him money, and my husband said that my son doesn’t need money because he doesn’t do anything. And it may be true that my husband doesn’t give him money, but he buys him concert tickets, pays $100 entry fees for poker tournaments for him, and is paying all of his expenses for the Coachella festival which is on the other side of the country. Dr. S didn’t ask if my husband buys my son anything, just if he gives him money.

I also brought up the fact that the children were always my domain and responsibility – health, education, activities, etc. I was the stay at home mom, and I didn’t really know what the job entailed until I was doing it. Even now, for example, my husband has no idea what courses our kids are taking at school. I know all of my daughter’s courses, her schedule, her current gpa, how many credits she has, etc. All he knows is that she goes to Tulane and is in her second year. He doesn’t know what medications they take, or their friends’ names.

I said that I work now. Neither my husband nor Dr. S responded. So I said “Well, I don’t really make much money, so I guess the kids are still my responsibility.” Neither of them said anything to that either.

Dr. S looked at me the whole time he was talking, so finally I stopped looking at him. Then I noticed he looked at me most of the time, with glances at my husband.

I wish that he had wanted to meet with all three of us. I like when the focus is on my son, and not on me. Dr. S asked if my husband and I are on the same page, he said he gets the feeling that we aren’t, and I said I agreed with that. My husband didn’t say anything.

So now my son is going to meet with Dr. S and then we’ll decide who we want to see – Dr. C or Dr. S. I don’t think we need to interview anymore psychologists. As of now I don’t have a preference for one or the other. But I hope whichever one we pick will be able to get my husband and my son to talk, because I don’t want to be the only one talking

Dec 27 2011

Therapy Recap 12/27/11

After I asked J how his Christmas was, he immediately asked me how it went with the family therapist.  First I had to find out if J was a friend of Dr. C, but he said although he has met him once or twice they are not friends.  I basically told him my impressions, the good and the bad, and then said that I am having second thoughts about seeing a family therapist.

We discussed that for some time.  J is really encouraging me to do this family therapy, he never said anything like, “If you feel it’s not right then don’t do it.”  I guess he thinks my son, and my husband and I, really need to move forward or we’ll be 90 years old, my son will be 60 and we’ll all still be living together.

At one point we went off on a tangent.  J was saying that there are certain things your kids have to do, that there is no wiggle room.  Like getting vaccinations, you don’t tell your child “It’s ok, you don’t have to get shots today.”  Well, that is exactly what I did with my son, and I thought that J was saying it is a bad thing, but when I explained what I was doing he said I was using a good strategy, and what he was talking about was saying to the child “You have to get shots today….you have to get shots today….oh, ok, you don’t want shots?  OK, you don’t need to get them today.”

What I did with my son, because he had and still has a horrible needle phobia, was to tell the doctor that if it is time for vaccinations we would come back for them.  If my son knew he was getting shots he would be in a panic during the whole exam, and he would be unable to talk to the doctor, even unable to stand on the scale sometimes.  Needless to say his pulse and blood pressure were off the charts.  When he knew that no needles were coming he was calm and relaxed and was able to have a complete exam and talk about any concerns with the doctor.  Now, I did not do this when he was a baby or toddler, it was later in his childhood.

I find that this happens somewhat often, and I know it is something that I do.  I latch onto something that J says and go off on a tangent, this time it must have been about 10 minutes of talking about this.  I get angry at myself later for doing this, because really, discussing this had nothing to do with the topic of the family therapist and why I am having negative thoughts about proceeding.  I think I do this to avoid talking about the real issues?

J and I talked more about how I believe it is my fault that my son is where he is today, and I don’t want to do anything else that will end up being my fault.  I wasn’t very happy that Dr. C didn’t engage my husband more, but J said he was probably just observing the family dynamics at this point.  J also says that nothing was my fault, and I said “You weren’t there” which is how the conversation always goes when we get to this topic.  I told J that I don’t want any of this to be about me, I want the therapy to focus on my son.

He also started in with what I should say to my husband, and to the therapist, and I just looked at him.  He said, “Do you think you can say those things?”  I told him that no, I could not.  He asked how a therapist might figure out that my husband was not too involved in the raising of the kids, and I said that when the therapist asks us a question, I won’t answer.  Of course my husband won’t be able to answer.  When the therapist sees that my husband can’t answer, I’ll do the answering.  J said, “So you will hint as to the relationship you and your husband have with your son.”  I said that if he is a good therapist he should figure it out pretty quickly.  J said that as I get more comfortable with the family therapist I can mention how I feel about my husband’s lack of involvement.  But that is not something I need to think about now, now I just want to find someone that we are all comfortable with.

The next therapist interview isn’t until the middle of January, and this one just wants to see my husband and me.  I’m curious as to how that will go.  Dr. C was very focused on my son and asking him questions.  Without my son being in the session my husband and I won’t have that buffer, the therapist will just be talking to us, and asking us questions.  It could be very different.

So that was about it, and I won’t see J next week because I am going on vacation to the Dominican Republic with my husband.  Another couple that we are friends with are joining us after the first three days.  I am so looking forward to this vacation.  Right now though, I am feeling somewhat overwhelmed – I need to get all of my summer clothes together, they get packed away every winter and I have to find some to take with me, and my daughter volunteered our house for her horse barn holiday party on Friday night, which means cleaning, organizing and cooking.  Ack.

Dec 21 2011

Therapy Recap 12/20/11

Me: So…

J: So, what are we talking about

Me: So….sometimes I wish…..well…I only want to talk about this for 5 minutes or so….I think it would be helpful to know…..more about your therapeutic techniques and what they are supposed to do. I know they are secret, and you don’t have to tell me all of them, but maybe when you are using one you can tell me what I am supposed to get from it.

J: They aren’t secret. And I don’t come up with therapeutic techniques ahead of time, I don’t see you coming and say “Oh, I’m going to use this technique on Harriet today.” (He said this a lot more nicely than it sounds typed out.)

Me: Well, sometimes we are in the middle of something, and I know you are doing something, but I’m not sure what, and then because of time limitations we end and I leave not knowing what just happened and what conclusion I was supposed to come to, and then it never comes up again.

J: I believe that if things are important they always come up again.

Me: I mean right away.

J: Just now I was at my computer and I saw your car pull in and I thought “I wonder how Harriet’s five dinners last week went” but I don’t bring that up because maybe you want to talk about something your sister did, for example.

(I am always a little freaked out that he can see me outside, but I can’t see into his office because of the way the blinds are tilted. I am also glad that he said he was wondering about my dinners because it means he remembered what I told him last week and he was curious about how it went. I think it might be hard for therapists because clients start something one week, and may not get back to it, and the therapist is left wondering what happened.)

J: Can you give me an example of when this happens?

Me: Yes, I certainly can. Last week we were talking about how my husband didn’t ask me about my appointment with the oncologist and that hurt my feelings, and you said maybe he was in a meeting, or had important things on his mind, and it was my fault because I didn’t worry enough about the appointment so he didn’t think it was important and I didn’t even call him after the appointment to tell him what happened. So I know you were trying to be unsupportive, like I feel other people in my life are sometimes, even though I know it’s because my expectations are too high, and you wanted to get me to react the way I react when other people aren’t being supportive, and how I react is not to say anything, so I didn’t say anything when you were being unsupportive and I don’t know how that could help me.

J: I don’t purposely play the part of other people in your life, and I don’t try to be unsupportive and I didn’t want you to think this was your fault.

Me: So it was just an accident? I thought you were being mean on purpose. I’m sure they had that class in school – Mean 101.

J: I think I missed that class.

Me: You weren’t really mean, I am exaggerating.

J: Trying to get you to react sounds awfully manipulative.

Me: Exactly, but I can kind of understand if that is what needs to be done.

J: (Blah blah blah, he lists my issues, we all know them) When you are thinking negatively about yourself I try to play devil’s advocate.

Me: Well when you tell me reasons people do things like my husband did, I understand it in my head but I still feel the feelings of being let down.

J: You could say that to me.

Me: I can’t say “What you are doing isn’t helping me”. I wouldn’t go to the doctor for knee pain and tell me he isn’t helping me when he takes my temperature. He is a professional and knows what he is doing.

J: (Something about how we are on this journey together….) Last week you did say to me right away that I was taking your husband’s side.

Me: Yes I did. But you continued on.

J: When you said that I knew that you weren’t in a place where you could hear logic (so why did he go on and on? I might be confusing this part of the conversation, but I do remember being confused right here.)

Me: And you couldn’t tell that I didn’t want to hear that stuff just then?

J: I don’t know. I think you could say something like “I understand what you are saying in my head, but I still feel my feelings.”

Me: Maybe instead of me having to say all of that we could have a code word.

J: Asparagus?

Me: Sure, and if we aren’t in a vegetable mood we could use banana.

J: Why do you think you still feel the feelings even though you get the point intellectually?

Me: Either I something or something (I gave two reasons that made sense, but for some reason I can’t remember them right now.)

J: Maybe it is because you shut down emotionally because it is difficult for you to be emotional here.

Me: That is true.

J: You are an intelligent woman, but I think you do a lot of thinking and not a lot of being.

Me: Yes, that is true, I am introspective and I analyze things in detail. I can’t change that I do that, but maybe I could change what I am thinking about.

J: Why might it be bad to overthink and analyze things?

Me: Because I come to conclusions that could be totally wrong and I am convinced of my beliefs.

J: (Telling me the story he has told me before about passing a test and thinking you are great, and failing a test and thinking it is the teacher’s fault. Or passing a test and saying it is easy and failing a test and saying you are a failure – which is me) It’s good to be somewhere in the middle. I know you think a lot about what we talk about during the week.

Me: Yes, you told me that you don’t know anyone who writes out their therapy sessions like I do, but there are plenty of people who do that, and even write out their thoughts about their sessions every day – you can look on the internet.

J: Yes, I’m sure there are.

Me: And maybe some of your clients do it and you just don’t know.

J: That could be true.

Me: I know most of your clients come in and talk about their week. How many talk about things like we are talking about right now? What percentage?

J: Maybe 10%. Why do you want to know how many?

Me: I want to know if I am normal.

J: There is no normal, everyone’s therapy is different.

Me: There are times when I do talk about things in my life, like when I had my medical issues. I don’t want to talk about therapy in therapy all the time, but I like to know what is happening. Are you getting away from psychodynamic therapy and more into cognitive behavioral?

J: (Squirming…a lot) It really depends on the person, if someone comes in for smoking cessation, or substance abuse then I do a lot of behavioral stuff with them. And for some people it gets mixed together. Your issues (and he lists them again) aren’t like a substance abuser’s issues.

Instead of 5 minutes, this went on for 30 minutes. I remember him saying something about his training, and something about projection (which I definitely can see), and the way he and I relate, etc.

Then I changed the subject and I told him that I had talked to two of the family therapists that he recommended and we are seeing one on Thursday and one next month. I am not crazy about the one on Thursday just based on our phone conversation, but I like the one we are meeting in January. We talked about why I picked them, and how I think it will go, and how I know it’s not just me that needs to click with the therapist, that there are three of us. The one I liked on the phone seems warm and fuzzy and nurturing, and I like that, but my husband probably wouldn’t. So we need to try out a few.

I brought up that going through my son’s old school records and psycho-educational testing and school meetings for his IEP brought back bad feelings, but we didn’t really talk about that.

I think this session was productive, I think I expressed how I feel about the therapy itself, and how maybe it could be better for me, and J was very cooperative and I felt connected. I think I should tell him to give me a warning when he is going to try to change my viewpoint like “I’m going to play devil’s advocate” or “Let’s see how we can look at this another way” rather than jump right in with “Well that person did this because of abc and you didn’t do xyz….” And maybe if I am not in the mood for devil’s advocate or looking at it another way I can say so right then. Which doesn’t mean he shouldn’t continue, because I know I have to do things and hear things in therapy which are difficult, but maybe if he knows I am feeling resistance we can incorporate that into the process.

Dec 14 2011

Therapy Recap 12/13/11

J asked me if any of the referrals he gave me worked out, and I said that I only had called one of them so far because it was a crazy week.  I asked him if he had actually talked to the people that he referred me to, and he said he put out a post on a listserv describing what he was looking for and these people responded.  I don’t know why that surprised me, there are listservs for every group of professionals, it just seemed weird that he was posting about me on the listserv (even though I know he wasn’t posting about me, he was posting about needing to refer someone to me).

So then I pulled out my list of things that went on during the week and read it all to him.  Then I said “So which one of these things do you like?”

We started by talking about the cancer scare, and how my husband didn’t ask me about my appointment.  J started making excuses for my husband.

Me:  Why are you taking his side?

J:  I’m not taking his side.

Me:  Yes you are.  It’s because you’re a man right?

J said that since I wasn’t really worried about the oncologist appointment I didn’t make a big deal out of it so my husband didn’t really think it was a big deal either and that is why he didn’t ask me about it.  Or maybe he had an important meeting to go to and had other things on his mind.

I did get J to admit that my husband should have called to see how it went, but he didn’t think it was so bad that he didn’t.

Then he asked me why I didn’t call my husband to tell him what happened at the appointment.  I explained that I thought it would be best to tell him in person and I was just going to wait until he came home from work, but then he texted me to say he was going out to dinner and would be home late.  J asked if I was punishing him or being passive aggressive.  I said I was just waiting for him to come home so that I could talk to him, but when I got his text and he didn’t mention the doctor I got angry.

Later on in the conversation J asked me again why I didn’t call my husband.  I repeated the whole reason again.  I told J that I was hurt that my husband didn’t ask me how it went, and that this is not the first time he has done this.  I have told J about similar experiences in the past.  I asked how can I think I am a worthwhile person and that I have value if people forget about me.  He asked if my husband cares about me, and I said that he does.  I said that my husband also forgets things about our children, and J asked if my husband cares about them.  I said that yes he does care about them, and J asked how I know.  That is a hard question, I told J that my husband does not show any overt signs of caring, he doesn’t say “I love you” or give hugs.  He enjoys being with them though (although he didn’t enjoy being with them when they were little).  We agreed that my husband is a bit clueless, that if something isn’t right in front of his face it doesn’t exist, and that he drops the ball at times.  But that he does care about me and the kids.

We talked about my race Sunday and how I thought I did really well, and the connection between the running and the cancer scare.  I somehow thought they were connected, but I don’t really know.  Perhaps I would have run just as well if I hadn’t been told that I had cancer, maybe I’m just finally recovering from the surgery and I’m back to my level of fitness from before.

We talked about my feelings about cancer, and how they have changed since the appointment on Thursday.  That maybe the first time I was in denial, and now I really feel like I had cancer.  I said that I don’t think it is so bad to be in denial, for some people, I think it can be a good coping mechanism to get through hard times.  Obviously criminals and child molesters should not be in denial.
We talked briefly about my mother’s email and how she said “Let’s all move along and get on with our lives and be together as a family” and “Don’t take this the wrong way”.  J didn’t seem too interested in this topic, but I think it was so representative of my mother’s attitude toward feelings, and how if anything goes wrong it must be my fault.

Then I mentioned how I have five lunch/dinner/parties to go to in the next week and how that is stressful for me.  On Friday my husband’s firm is having their holiday lunch and he sent me an email of the menu.  It was pretty much full of meat.  Meat, fish and lamb.  I said to my husband that maybe I just shouldn’t go, but it turns out that he asked the office manager to check with the restaurant to see if I could get a vegan meal.  The restaurant said that would be no problem.  J thought it was very “sweet” of my husband to do that.  (He uses that word a lot, and I think it is kind of weird.)  He mentioned some other “sweet” things that my husband has done and I agreed that he has been doing things lately.

J said that I frequently talk about my marriage as though my husband and I are roommates, that we don’t have any common interests, we don’t do anything together, etc.  But maybe things aren’t as bad as I make them out to be, since my husband does these nice things for me.  I think J wants me to reframe the situation and see it differently.

I think that was about it, I did say that I don’t want to forget about the email I sent him last week saying that I think therapy should focus on why I can’t talk openly to people rather than on the actual words I should say, but that topic didn’t seem relevant right now.

Dec 11 2011

Too Much To Say

I have so much to talk about. I don’t really want to write about it here, except for maybe bullet list issues, because when I write about things I don’t talk about them in therapy. So I’ll just start with this:

• My husband forgot about my oncologist appointment and never asked me how it went, he actually went out to dinner with his buddies and got home late. Needless to say when I told him that it didn’t go well and the cancer came back, it got his attention.

• Friday morning I planned to run, but I was so despondent about the cancer having come back (this was before the “oops” phone call) that I could barely get out of bed. So I ran Saturday morning and I had a great run.

• I saw a movie with a friend Saturday afternoon (The Descendants – it’s good) and went out to dinner with my husband Saturday night.

• I ran in an 8K race this morning and got my best time of any 8K I have run before.

• I see the kidney doctor tomorrow; my husband is coming with me.

• I had an email exchange with my sister who told me that I can’t make peanut noodles for our family Hanukkah party. It seems all of a sudden someone in her family has a peanut allergy. So I told her I would use cashew or almond butter instead and she said that would be great. Something about our email exchange bothered me.

• Something happened to me when I was told that I had a recurrence of the cancer, and something else happened to me when I was told they made a mistake. Emotionally I mean. All I will say now is that for the first time, I feel like I really had cancer. I feel different.

Nov 15 2011

Therapy Recap 11/15/11

I started right in by telling J that I was thinking about things we talked about last week (I didn’t tell him the session got me upset, and after reading my blog post about that session I can’t figure out why I did get upset). I sort of made a verbal bullet list for him:

• I went back and read my story about my medical situation, and I had written something about my husband, but I took it out

• I could never give my husband a formal thank you for his support during that time, and I can’t believe J even asked me to do that. I said that he may as well have told me to go out and get a million dollars and come back next week and let him know how it went.

• I saw my pdoc last week and I was in a bad mood and she doesn’t want me to go off of my wellbutrin and she told me I was better when I had cancer. She said if my relationship with my husband was better I would be happy and my life would be complete, and he says if I volunteer until I become a grandmother I would be happy and my life would be complete.

• I had a fight with my husband, but I think it worked out ok in the end

I thought that took about 10 minutes to go through, but it was probably more like 2 minutes.

Then I sat back and waited.

He asked me about my story for the writing class reunion, and did I take my husband out after we talked about it in the session last week. I told him that I had taken my husband out before last week’s session because I didn’t like that part of the story.

We talked about how I can’t thank my husband for his support, and he said does it make it a little easier for me maybe, because I know that my husband stepped slightly out of his comfort zone to offer his support. That maybe I could step a little out of my comfort zone. Then he gave a long analogy about two people flirting in a bar, and how it is like going up a ladder, one person says x and the other says y, and then they go to the next level, or perhaps they don’t say y they say q, and then it doesn’t go any farther…….

We moved on to my pdoc telling me I was better when I had cancer. I said that I don’t remember if she used the actual word “better”, but that was the impression I got. She might have said I was more engaged. We talked about how I had isolated myself and become disengaged from friends and family over the last couple of years, but it seemed to get better this year. I said that my cousin’s hospital stay from her overdose, and my medical situation were distractions from my life.

J told me something he had already told me, but I listened again. He said at one time in his practice he had 5 or 6 women who all had anxiety about things in their lives, but when a true disaster struck – illness, death of a spouse, etc – they were totally functional and in control. He told me that he was thinking about me before the session and how situations with me always come back to the same questions:

Am I good enough?
Do I have value?
Do people like me?
Do people love me?
Do I love myself?

Makes me sound pathetic.

He asked me if I had a “project” would I feel more engaged, valued, etc. I said that is what I have been trying to say for the last two years. When my children grew up and left home I lost my purpose in life. Maybe he finally understands this now?

He told me a story about someone who worked for six years on child safety seat laws. He asked me if some kind of activism would give me a purpose.

Then he asked if my relationship with my husband was better, would that satisfy my need for purpose? I said no, and he asked why not, and I said that I don’t want my sense of purpose to be dependent on other people. My husband could be gone in a second, just like my kids, and with them went my purpose. He said a purpose doesn’t have to be one thing, it can be multiple things….

We talked about the fight I had with my husband, and I told him the whole story. He never actually said that when I apologized, or when I told my husband what would be a good thing to say, was a good thing, so I don’t know what he really thought. He did ask if after all of that I felt more emotionally connected to my husband (was he really asking if we had sex?) I told him that, no, I did not feel more emotionally connected to my husband, we made up, and things went back to normal, like being roommates. Then I asked him what is an emotional connection anyway, and we talked about that for a while and he explained cognitive dissonance and I told him about when we were in New Orleans and I saw a guy with a hat from my hometown football team and we immediately bonded and talked about where we are from, and the teams we like, etc. I guess that is an emotional connection? Or it is cognitive dissonance.

I told him that I think my husband is clueless, but doesn’t mean to hurt me or be mean. J agreed. I told him that normally in a situation with my husband when it got to the part where he doesn’t say anything and walks out of the room, I stuff my feelings and stew about it, and after multiple times it builds up negative feelings. But this time I said something when he didn’t say anything and walked out of the room. As a matter of fact, the whole episode of the fight/make up was much different from how I usually behave. J asked me what I thought caused me to be different, and I said I don’t know. He suggested that perhaps it was because my husband has been more supportive to me lately, or perhaps it was because J told me last week to thank my husband for his support.

Then J asked me if I run with a gps watch so I can monitor the elevation, and how even though going up hill is difficult the fact that you know there will be a downhill soon makes it easier. And he compared that to a relationship, ups and downs, you know if you are in a difficult time, an easier time must be coming. Then he said something about “make up sex”, and I was surprised and I guess my face showed it, and he said he was using it as an example of ups and downs and there is even a term for the ups – make up sex.

I think that was about it. I left feeling ok, I didn’t feel as though I had left anything unsaid, I hate when that happens. Maybe J finally gets the “existential angst” I have been feeling and that he never wanted to talk about. He uses different wording – I need a “cause”. That’s not exactly right, but much closer than he was before.

One weird thing was that he brought up my cousin, and how I seemed engaged during the time I was taking care of her. The weird part is he called her by her name. I have never told J anyone’s name, I say “my husband”, “my aunt”, “my new boss”, “my old boss”, etc. But during the cousin in the hospital time I guess I let my guard down and called my cousin by her name. So when he talked about her he didn’t say “When your cousin was in the hospital”, he said “When Lori was in the hospital.” That kind of made me feel uncomfortable, and I’m not sure why. Maybe because he doesn’t even know her and he is calling her by her name. I know most people use names in therapy, I suppose as a way to be sure the therapist knows who is who. But how can a therapist remember everyone’s name? I’m surprised J even remembered that one name.

Nov 14 2011

Conversation With My Husband Continued

After a couple of hours I went downstairs to where my husband was watching TV and I said, “I’m sorry I got angry at you. I just felt as though you didn’t care about what I said.”

He said, “I don’t know what you want me to do.”

I said, “I don’t want to get into it, I’m just trying to explain that I am sorry I got angry with you.”

He said, “Thank you.”

After a couple of more hours he asked me if I was still angry at him.

I said, “No I am not angry at you. I am still upset about Thanksgiving, but I am not angry at you.”

Then I said, “If you ever don’t know what to say to me, maybe you could just say something that would let me know that you heard me.”

He said, “OK.”

I said, “You don’t have to do anything, or try to fix anything or solve whatever problem it is.”

He said, “OK.”

Then I asked him if he was angry at me, and he said he was not.

I thought I handled that pretty well, except for the first part.

My husband and I never fight, because we never talk. But for some reason yesterday I felt like talking to him, and he really doesn’t know what to say. Not because he doesn’t care, he just really doesn’t know what to say. That is annoying, but he isn’t doing it on purpose.

He must be under a lot of stress lately – I’ve been showing a lot more emotion in the last couple of months than I have in the whole time we’ve been married. I’m not sure he likes it much, he seems to have that deer in the headlights look whenever I start talking. But I don’t want to forget that he was supportive during my health thing, I don’t want this one episode to overshadow all of that.

Nov 13 2011

A Conversation With My Husband

Today I received an email from the Thanksgiving sister-in-law telling us all what she is making, and what we should make, and who we should bring, etc etc.

I asked my husband if he received the email (actually he hadn’t – she only sent it to me and the other SIL). He said he hadn’t, and wanted to know what it said. So I told him and then I went on a rant about how I hate SIL and I hate Thanksgiving, and how we used to have it and it was so fun and everyone wanted to come to our house, and it was the only holiday we had at our house, and SIL didn’t even come, but then she decided to take over Thanksgiving and now no one wants to come to our house and it doesn’t really matter anyway because I don’t have any family.

He stood there for a few seconds, then started to walk out of the room.

I said, “OK, I’m glad I was able to get that off my chest, and now you walk away.”

He said, “What do you want me to do?”

I said, “At least acknowledge that I have said something.”

He said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

I said, “OK, so just walk away.” And then I stormed upstairs.

He came up after a few minutes and said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

I said, “You sound like my sister – you don’t know what to say so you say nothing.”

He said, “I’m sorry you are upset, but I don’t know what I can do.”

Then he sat on the bed in silence for a few minutes while I continued doing whatever I was doing on the computer. Finally he got up and left.

Nov 7 2011

Reiki & Writing

Last Tuesday night I had a Reiki session. My last two sessions were 30 minutes, but I booked this one for a full hour. I love Reiki, and my Reiki therapist is wonderful. She is about half my age, but somehow or other I can feel her energy, and she can feel mine, as well as where my energy is blocked. Last week she said my lower body was very balanced, most people have trouble on one side or the other, maybe mine is balanced from running. But she said there was energy stuck in my shoulders, so she worked mostly on the upper body.

I felt good enough when I got home to attempt to write a story for my writing class reunion. It is about the 43 days that I had cancer. And you know what? It is awful, I hate it. Just really bad writing. I don’t know whether to trash the whole thing, or try to rewrite, or not even bother. It was disappointing, because I thought I had some good ideas, but the story was just bad.

I knew I couldn’t write any more, but I thought I would give it a try. Back when I was writing I really enjoyed it, so if it’s not enjoyable and what I write is pure crap, I don’t think it is worth it to even try.

One part of the story was really troubling to me though. I wrote that except for my mother, no one from my family came to visit me during my recovery from surgery. I don’t know why that upset me, I knew it was true, but somehow seeing it in print made it more true.

On a happier note, my husband and I went to visit my daughter at college this weekend, and we had a great time. Sometimes she gets cranky, but she was in a good mood, and my husband and I got along really well. I did have to nap every day, but I wasn’t as tired as I thought I would be. It was great to see my daughter, and she’ll be home again in just a few weeks for Thanksgiving. It’s hard having her so far away.