Tag Archives: medical

Dec 14 2011

Therapy Recap 12/13/11

J asked me if any of the referrals he gave me worked out, and I said that I only had called one of them so far because it was a crazy week.  I asked him if he had actually talked to the people that he referred me to, and he said he put out a post on a listserv describing what he was looking for and these people responded.  I don’t know why that surprised me, there are listservs for every group of professionals, it just seemed weird that he was posting about me on the listserv (even though I know he wasn’t posting about me, he was posting about needing to refer someone to me).

So then I pulled out my list of things that went on during the week and read it all to him.  Then I said “So which one of these things do you like?”

We started by talking about the cancer scare, and how my husband didn’t ask me about my appointment.  J started making excuses for my husband.

Me:  Why are you taking his side?

J:  I’m not taking his side.

Me:  Yes you are.  It’s because you’re a man right?

J said that since I wasn’t really worried about the oncologist appointment I didn’t make a big deal out of it so my husband didn’t really think it was a big deal either and that is why he didn’t ask me about it.  Or maybe he had an important meeting to go to and had other things on his mind.

I did get J to admit that my husband should have called to see how it went, but he didn’t think it was so bad that he didn’t.

Then he asked me why I didn’t call my husband to tell him what happened at the appointment.  I explained that I thought it would be best to tell him in person and I was just going to wait until he came home from work, but then he texted me to say he was going out to dinner and would be home late.  J asked if I was punishing him or being passive aggressive.  I said I was just waiting for him to come home so that I could talk to him, but when I got his text and he didn’t mention the doctor I got angry.

Later on in the conversation J asked me again why I didn’t call my husband.  I repeated the whole reason again.  I told J that I was hurt that my husband didn’t ask me how it went, and that this is not the first time he has done this.  I have told J about similar experiences in the past.  I asked how can I think I am a worthwhile person and that I have value if people forget about me.  He asked if my husband cares about me, and I said that he does.  I said that my husband also forgets things about our children, and J asked if my husband cares about them.  I said that yes he does care about them, and J asked how I know.  That is a hard question, I told J that my husband does not show any overt signs of caring, he doesn’t say “I love you” or give hugs.  He enjoys being with them though (although he didn’t enjoy being with them when they were little).  We agreed that my husband is a bit clueless, that if something isn’t right in front of his face it doesn’t exist, and that he drops the ball at times.  But that he does care about me and the kids.

We talked about my race Sunday and how I thought I did really well, and the connection between the running and the cancer scare.  I somehow thought they were connected, but I don’t really know.  Perhaps I would have run just as well if I hadn’t been told that I had cancer, maybe I’m just finally recovering from the surgery and I’m back to my level of fitness from before.

We talked about my feelings about cancer, and how they have changed since the appointment on Thursday.  That maybe the first time I was in denial, and now I really feel like I had cancer.  I said that I don’t think it is so bad to be in denial, for some people, I think it can be a good coping mechanism to get through hard times.  Obviously criminals and child molesters should not be in denial.
We talked briefly about my mother’s email and how she said “Let’s all move along and get on with our lives and be together as a family” and “Don’t take this the wrong way”.  J didn’t seem too interested in this topic, but I think it was so representative of my mother’s attitude toward feelings, and how if anything goes wrong it must be my fault.

Then I mentioned how I have five lunch/dinner/parties to go to in the next week and how that is stressful for me.  On Friday my husband’s firm is having their holiday lunch and he sent me an email of the menu.  It was pretty much full of meat.  Meat, fish and lamb.  I said to my husband that maybe I just shouldn’t go, but it turns out that he asked the office manager to check with the restaurant to see if I could get a vegan meal.  The restaurant said that would be no problem.  J thought it was very “sweet” of my husband to do that.  (He uses that word a lot, and I think it is kind of weird.)  He mentioned some other “sweet” things that my husband has done and I agreed that he has been doing things lately.

J said that I frequently talk about my marriage as though my husband and I are roommates, that we don’t have any common interests, we don’t do anything together, etc.  But maybe things aren’t as bad as I make them out to be, since my husband does these nice things for me.  I think J wants me to reframe the situation and see it differently.

I think that was about it, I did say that I don’t want to forget about the email I sent him last week saying that I think therapy should focus on why I can’t talk openly to people rather than on the actual words I should say, but that topic didn’t seem relevant right now.

Dec 11 2011

Too Much To Say

I have so much to talk about. I don’t really want to write about it here, except for maybe bullet list issues, because when I write about things I don’t talk about them in therapy. So I’ll just start with this:

• My husband forgot about my oncologist appointment and never asked me how it went, he actually went out to dinner with his buddies and got home late. Needless to say when I told him that it didn’t go well and the cancer came back, it got his attention.

• Friday morning I planned to run, but I was so despondent about the cancer having come back (this was before the “oops” phone call) that I could barely get out of bed. So I ran Saturday morning and I had a great run.

• I saw a movie with a friend Saturday afternoon (The Descendants – it’s good) and went out to dinner with my husband Saturday night.

• I ran in an 8K race this morning and got my best time of any 8K I have run before.

• I see the kidney doctor tomorrow; my husband is coming with me.

• I had an email exchange with my sister who told me that I can’t make peanut noodles for our family Hanukkah party. It seems all of a sudden someone in her family has a peanut allergy. So I told her I would use cashew or almond butter instead and she said that would be great. Something about our email exchange bothered me.

• Something happened to me when I was told that I had a recurrence of the cancer, and something else happened to me when I was told they made a mistake. Emotionally I mean. All I will say now is that for the first time, I feel like I really had cancer. I feel different.

Dec 9 2011

False Alarm

I got a call from the oncologist’s assistant this morning. The radiologist looked at my scans and determined that the nodule is not a cancer recurrence. It is a normal piece of tissue that has relocated, it was on my last scan but it was in a slightly different place.

What a wild ride for the last 24 hours.

Dec 7 2011

One Big Happy Family

Yesterday I got an email from my sister.  The same sister who didn’t contact me when I had my surgery, not by phone or email or text.  And when I saw her at my mother’s brunch a few weeks after the surgery she didn’t ask me how I am, or how I am feeling.

She works at the hospital where I am going tomorrow, it is where my oncologist is.  She is not a doctor, she is a dietician, but I am not sure if she has the ability to see my file.  Everything is computerized there, so my file is not the paper kind.

I had told my mother that I would be going for my 3 month scans this Thursday.  My sister’s email said:

A little birdie told me that you will be @ the hospital on Thursday. If you would like me to stop by or if you need anything while you are there, please let me know. I hope all goes well.

Thinking of you,

A

I’m wondering why all of a sudden she is so willing to be helpful.  I don’t trust this, she is very manipulative.  And the “little birdie” thing – she talks like that and it is so annoying to me.  Why couldn’t she say “Mom told me…”

I forwarded her email to my mother with this:

 I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell A, or anyone for that matter, about when and where my hospital visits are.  It’s really nobody’s concern.

My mother responded with this:

 

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude on your privacy.  I haven’t mentioned this to anyone other than A, and she is concerned about your health.  Pls don’t take this the wrong way.  We all are family and your health is important to all of us.

If you wish, in the future, I will not mention your health issues with A, although again she is concerned about you.  Let’s all move along and get on with our lives and be together as a family.

Mom

At least she said she is sorry.  I don’t believe that my sister is concerned about my health, actually there is nothing to be concerned about, I don’t have cancer anymore.  “We are all family????”  Well I guess so, by blood.  My health didn’t seem to be important to my sister when I did have cancer.

So now we shall move along and get on with our lives and be together as a family.  Oops, not that last part.  My sister and I do not have a relationship, and I do not care to have one with her.  Just because we are sisters doesn’t mean that we have to be together as a family.

Whenever my sister and I had an altercation, my mother would tell me I have to overlook what she does.  That blood is thicker than water.  But I got tired of overlooking and although I will continue to overlook, I will not have a relationship with her.

I also have an appointment with the kidney doctor at the same hospital next week.  My mother doesn’t know about that, I don’t plan on sharing any information with her about possible kidney disease.  I’m concerned that my sister will look at my file and see that I met with a kidney doctor, and be able to read his diagnosis and notes.  That is why I didn’t want my mother telling my sister that I am seeing any doctor at the hospital.

When I go tomorrow I will find out if she can see my file.  I’ll feel better knowing that she can’t.

Nov 8 2011

Therapy Recap 11/8/11

J asked me how I am doing, how am I feeling, etc. I didn’t want to talk about medical stuff anymore, and I told him I didn’t think I should answer that question since last week it didn’t turn out well when I was being honest with him. So he reframed the question and asked if I am making progress and I told him I am.

I told J about the trip my husband and I took to visit our daughter this past weekend, and that it was fun. He wanted to know what was fun about it. I don’t know. We didn’t do anything special, but it was fun. Do we have to analyze every little thing?

I needed to get off of this subject, so I asked J if he remembered that I had taken a writing class, which he said he did. I told him that I had been going to the reunion meetings, but then I stopped going because I couldn’t write anymore. Then a few weeks ago the teacher sent out an email saying there would be another reunion meeting this month, and I emailed her to tell her that I was sorry I hadn’t been going, and I told her about my medical issues as sort of an excuse as to why I hadn’t been going, even though the two had nothing to do with each other.

J wanted to know why I couldn’t write. I don’t know. I just can’t. I used to be able to, the stories would just flow out of me, and now they don’t.

But the teacher said she hoped I would write about the illness, and at first I thought that I would have nothing to say about it, but then I got some ideas. So last week I wrote my story. And it was awful. It is just a very bad story and very bad writing.

J asked what was bad about it. I don’t know – it is just bad.

But the point I was trying to get to in telling this story, is how a section of the story was about how people reacted to my surgery and illness, and except for my mother, not one person from my family came to visit me. And this must mean I am a loser and not a person worth their time. J pointed out that I really didn’t expect my sister to visit, and that is true, so who was I expecting to visit? I told him about my husband’s family, who all live within a 10 to 20 minute drive from my house, and none of them visited me. And of course my aunt, who now says she might come down this weekend.

That led to a discussion about my relationship with my husband’s family, and how it has never been great, they are very exclusionary to outsiders, but somehow my husband’s brother’s wife, who technically married into the family, became the leader and no one is brave enough to stand up to her. J told me something about that is how bullies normally operate, I can’t remember what he said.

I talked about growing up, with big family dinners on special occasions, and the fun we would all have. But my mother is an only child, and my father has his two crazy sisters who mainly don’t talk to each other or anyone else, and the older people have died, and there aren’t many people left. J told me that is normally what happens, but then the children marry and have children, and the family starts to grow again. I told him about my husband’s two siblings, and his three cousins in NJ who each have two kids and when we all get together it is a lot of people and it usually fun. The NJ people seem to like me.

J mentioned my husband and children, and asked if that is enough family for me. And of course it is, my little family that my husband and I created is the most important thing.

We talked about why I think I am a loser, rather than perhaps there is something wrong with them, and I said I am the common denominator here, how could there be something wrong with all of them? J said if they are really that exclusionary, and if I don’t really have a good relationship with them, it kind of makes sense that they didn’t visit. I told him that I thought maybe they would make an exception for medical reasons, but I suppose I wasn’t sick enough or something.

I also told J that my husband didn’t seem to encourage anyone from his family to make an attempt to see me.

Then we got into a discussion about my husband being supportive during this whole situation. I told J about my recent meltdowns and my husband, although not always knowing what to say, did offer comfort and support. And this weekend he kept insisting on carrying my luggage, which I didn’t want him to do, but when he wouldn’t stop going on about it, I let him carry it. J asked if my husband’s demonstrations of support overrides the fact that no family visited me. He also said that his support means that I am a person worthy of support and that I am a lovable person.

I told him that it is great that my husband has been supportive, but it doesn’t negate the fact that family could have come to visit. To me, they are two separate things.

There was some kind of discussion about how I never let my husband support me in the past because I could always take care of myself, and I am not sure if he likes to give support or not because I have never really given him a chance. But while I was sick I was vulnerable, both physically and mentally, and I had a couple of meltdowns, and my husband was comforting and supportive.

J said that I normally have a wall up to protect myself, but during this situation the wall came down. I told him that I didn’t take the wall down on purpose, it just kind of crumbled. J suggested that this might be a good time to keep the wall down, or at least not as high as it has been in the past. I said that I don’t know if I can do that, my goal during all of this was to get back to the way I was before, but J thinks I should keep some of the vulnerability.

He asked me if I have expressed my thanks to my husband for his support. I said I did say thank you when he carried my luggage, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. And I didn’t specifically thank him for his support over the last couple of months. J said I should do that. I should say something like, “These past couple months have been difficult and I really appreciate your help and support when I have been feeling bad and afraid.” I didn’t say this to J, but there is no way I can say that.

J asked if I wrote about my husband’s support in my story for the writing class, and I actually couldn’t remember if I had because I hadn’t looked at the story for a while. He said I should write about my husband, since the theme of that section was how people reacted to my illness and surgery.

(Later when I was at my computer I read the story and I had written a little about my husband, but I deleted that part. What I had said was “Cancer made people love me more.”)

After the session I had lots of thoughts that I have been writing down. I know I will have to continue this conversation next week, because I have thought of more things. I was not happy at all for the rest of the day, somewhat weepy and having a hopeless feeling. I just feel like I will never be able to have connected authentic relationships with anyone, that it is too late for me to change, I don’t even know how. J tells me the words to say to people, but it’s not the words that are the problem.

I even stopped on my way home from work to pick up a bottle of margaritas and a bottle of wine. I haven’t done that in months.

For some reason I feel very alone right now, and I don’t know why exactly. I guess that is another thing to talk about next week. I always hate having these post-therapy thoughts and feelings and having to wait a week to get back to them. That is a really frustrating part of therapy for me.

Oct 27 2011

How Quickly Things Can Change

I went to see my new oncologist this morning, at the big famous hospital which is one hour away from my home. The place ran like clockwork, very efficient, and everything is computerized. They gave me an orange card with a patient number and a bar code on it and I had to scan it when I went into the office. Some people might think that makes them seems like a number, but I think it makes me seem official. Then I got weighed in kilograms, and I weigh a lot less in the metric system!

My oncologist is very warm and patient. He also has a nurse practitioner who was also great. We discussed whether I should have follow up scans every 3 months, or 6 months. He said “Because you are so young I think 6 month intervals would be better so that you don’t get exposed to excess radiation.” He thinks I’m young, ha! He is younger than me, so that was nice. We decided I would have my first scans in 3 months, and then decide how often after that. And he told me that not eating meat is one of the best things I can do. He is the first doctor to tell me that.

When I left I was feeling so relieved and grateful that I found this doctor. Those feelings were short lived. I looked at my phone and there was a voice mail from the woman in the nephrology (kidney) department at the big famous hospital. The message said that she didn’t see very many records in my file, that the last labs are from August and do I have anything more current, that the doctor doesn’t understand why I want to see him, he wants to know what I am expecting from him, the scheduling office should not have booked me an appointment on November 7th because they are not seeing patients on that day, and she will probably be able to get me an appointment but it won’t be for a while.

I called her back and told her that I saw the oncologist in the morning, and he had no problem seeing all of my records. She looked on her computer and said, “Oh, I see some more records, they must have just come in.” Which is total bull because the oncologist’s office told me all of the records were there a couple of weeks ago. Then I explained to her that I wanted to see a doctor because I had a kidney biopsy, and she could see the pathology report which was done at this very hospital, and it shows mild to severe kidney disease. I saw a kidney doctor locally once, but she was unable to help me and that is why I am looking for a new doctor. And my last lab work was in August because at the beginning of September I had surgery to have my malignant tumor removed from my kidney and haven’t had any labs since then. Then I started to cry, and I said that no one is able to help me understand this, I don’t know if I have 6 months or 6 years until I am in kidney failure, and I have kidney cancer and kidney disease and I just want someone to help me. She said she would talk to the doctor and ask him if I am worthy of seeing.

Then I called back and left her a message saying I will see any doctor in the department. For some reason she kept talking about one particular doctor, I don’t know why.

She is supposed to call me back. If I don’t hear from her tomorrow I am going to email the oncologist (he likes to communicate via email), since he agreed that I should see a nephrologist. Maybe he can help get me in there for an appointment.

Back to being frustrated. Crap.

Oct 25 2011

Therapy Recap 10/25/11

First I apologized for whining and complaining so much last week. J gently mocked me and said “Oh yeah, it was terrible.” He said he didn’t consider it complaining, I was expressing my feelings. I told him that I wanted him to know that I don’t whine and complain to anyone, so unfortunately he has to bear the brunt of it, and he said that is what he is there for, and it’s not complaining. I told him that he shouldn’t have to listen to that all day, and said “Yes I do.”

I told him that I should be filled with gratitude now that I am a cancer survivor and a surgery survivor. He asked me why, and I said that is how people are after they are given a serious diagnosis. He asked me how I know people are like that, and I said because there are stories and articles and forums where people talk about it. J said I don’t need to feel gratitude, and perhaps the people feeling gratitude are just more vocal than the ones who don’t feel the gratitude.

We spent the time talking about how I feel physically and mentally, and my rough week last week with a couple of meltdowns and taking a percocet and getting sick. He asked me what I did to make myself feel better by today, and I never know how to answer that question. I don’t think I did anything.

I told him how I was going to send my boss an email telling her that I needed to cut back, but I never did it. I said derogatory things like “I’m so stupid” and “I’m a failure.” I changed that to “I am a failure at asserting myself.” And “I’m never going to change, I’ve been coming here for years and I’m not changing.” J disagreed and said he has seen changes, and gave specific examples. I said that I am still continuing to put other people’s needs before mine, and having a fear that they won’t like me if am not always competent and put together. I guess I am getting a little better with my friends, but work is still tough.

We talked more about how I went back to work too soon, and I asked him why he didn’t tell me not to. He said he can’t tell me what to do. Since when?

Then we got into my fear of sickness, and not wanting to admit I can’t work because that means I am sick. We talked about that for a while, and I told him that when my father was ill I would call my mother to see how my dad was doing on any particular day and she would screech: “He’s sick!” Well, I knew that, I was asking more along the lines of “How is dad’s breathing today” or “Did dad get out of bed today.” We talked about the label “sick” and my feelings about it, and the fact that I am really not sick, and if I take some time off work it doesn’t mean I am sick, I just need some time to recuperate from surgery. I also said I am old and J asked me why I think I am old; I said “People my age are old.”

I asked J if both of his parents were still living, and he said one of them is. I asked if it was his dad, and he said no, his dad died. I asked him how old he was when his dad died, and he said he was 19. His dad must have been young. J asked me why I was asking, what was I thinking about. So we got into my dad’s experience, and my feelings about it, and my fear that it will happen to me. I told him that when my dad got sick I decided to have a baby, even though we weren’t planning on having a baby so quickly. But I was afraid my dad would die with no grandchildren. J said that was a way for me to take control in whatever way I could.

J asked me how much lately I am thinking about my dad’s illness and worrying about mine, and I told him that this week in particular I was thinking about it a lot because I have been having trouble getting an appointment with the doctor at the big famous hospital, and no one is calling me back. And I don’t know what the biopsy of my kidney means, so I am just living with uncertainty. I told him that I would rather be told that I have 6 months to live, than to be uncertain about what is going on. I have no plan of action, and it is making me anxious. I feel that when I meet with the doctor, and he explains things to me and gives me more information I think I will have a lot less worrying.

J said that made sense, and he said that he felt that when I got the cancer diagnosis it seemed to energize me, that I took control and did research and figured out what I needed and how to get it done. I told him that I like a project, however I would have preferred one that didn’t involve cancer. He also said that my fear of illness is very understandable considering my father’s age vs my age, my father’s diagnosis vs my diagnosis, and my mother’s label of sickness. When my father got sick he didn’t work anymore, so to me not working = sick.

J asked me what I think the chances are of me ending up like my father. I know that in addition to kidney failure my dad had very bad heart problems, and I don’t. And I said that when/if I get to kidney failure I will not go on dialysis, so I won’t end up like my dad.

At the end of the session J said he wants me to think or talk, I can’t remember which, about my father and his illness and how I dealt with it, and my mother’s reactions and how she handled it, and my fear of being like my father. I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, and I got sad. I told J that my father was the parent who, I wouldn’t say liked me better because I am sure my mother liked me, but always thought that no matter what I did it was great, and was always so proud of me and showed it.

He also mentioned the mindfulness thing again, that I should dust off the mindfulness cd’s. I can’t do mindfulness, because I get the intrusive thoughts very badly, and I’d rather think about what is going to happen in the future, or what I did in the past, than try not to think about anything and have the intrusive thoughts. I’ll have to remind him about that.

And today, thanks to the intervention of my primary care physician, I was able to get an appointment with a kidney doctor at the big famous hospital. I’ll be seeing him November 7th. The ending of the frustration of trying to get that appointment is like a weight off of my shoulders. In two weeks I’ll know what I’m dealing with and what I am up against, and no matter what it is, it is better than the uncertainty.

Oct 18 2011

Therapy Recap 10/18/11

I’ve been depressed lately. I did have a good time at the beach with my friend this past weekend, but still feeling dismayed at how easily I get tired, and my lightheadedness, and my inability to run without my heart beating too fast and the headaches.

J asked me how the beach was and I said it was good. Then I told him that it turns out I do have a medical issue, so there. I said that I was mad at him at first, but now I am just sad. I told him that I didn’t think he believed me when I said I was feeling worse, that he made me doubt myself, and that he thinks I am so neurotic that I make up illness, or imagine it.

He said that was not his intention. That I know my body best. I said that is exactly true, so why was he trying to get me to doubt myself? I asked if it was a therapeutic technique – getting me to change my beliefs. He said that it was not. He said he is not a medical doctor, so the only issue he can work with me on is the mental aspect. He said that it doesn’t have to either mental or physical, it’s not either/or. I told him that he asked me last week if I thought this was a mental issue or a physical one. He didn’t say is it a mental and/or a physical issue, or is it mental or physical or xyz issue? He gave me two choices. And when he asked me I told him that I couldn’t answer the question until I got the results of my blood test.

J explained that, like a parent, he was being a foil to me and how I was thinking. If a child comes home with a failing grade on a test and says he is a complete failure, the parent would tell him that he is not a failure and it is just one test. But if the child comes home and says he failed a test, but it’s no big deal because he can throw out the lowest grade, the parent would say that doesn’t matter, the child should work harder at studying. So that is what he was doing with me.

He asked me if I was looking for validation from him last week, for him to say that I do feel worse and whatever else he would say to validate me. I told him that, no, I was not looking for that. I had seen my doctor the day before and she totally believed me and did tests and made me feel that I wasn’t a crazy obsessive hypochondriac. But I was not looking for him to make me doubt myself either, and when I left the session last week I was truly confused.

Then we talked about the vitamin b12 deficiency, and that I am relieved that it is something that can be treated. We spent quite a bit of time talking about how I feel that I will never get better, and he said I don’t know that for sure. I said that I am trying to be realistic, and he said that we don’t know if that is realistic. I said I don’t want to be optimistic, because what if I really never get better? It is better to have low expectations and be pleasantly surprised than to have high expectations and be disappointed. He said he normally feels that way, but in this case I shouldn’t think that way. I told him that the nurse told me I would feel better right away after the injection, but that didn’t out to be the case.

He said rather than say I will never get better, I should look at it that I am afraid of being sick. We talked about my fear, and I mentioned my father again, and that based on my experience with people in my family, people tend to get sick and never get better.

We talked about work, and how I made a mistake going back to work after just two weeks, and not speaking up to my bosses to tell them I couldn’t do the amount of work that I normally did before the surgery. I said that to talk to them about that would be admitting that I am sick, and I made a commitment to my jobs and I don’t want to break my commitment. J said that if I continue to overwork myself I might get sick enough that I can’t work at all, and then I would really be breaking my commitment. We spent some time talking about how I can’t talk about this to my bosses, and why.

J told me that I looked sullen today. I told him that I have been feeling down and hopeless and without much hope that I will get better. I said it’s been two months already. He said he didn’t want to argue with me, but it has only been five weeks. Really? Yes, he is right, but it seems like the surgery was much longer ago.

I felt like I was whining and complaining in session today. I got through cancer, I survived my surgery, and here I am whining and complaining because I am tired and lightheaded and get headaches and lose my balance and can’t do what I used to do. Should cancer make me feel obligated to be grateful and have an amazing life? I would think many people think so. I feel ungrateful.

After the session I met a good friend for lunch. Her husband recently found out that he has cancer, and he started radiation yesterday, and he has a tough road ahead. My friend said, “Getting old sucks” and I just started crying. She asked me what was wrong and I said that I just feel like I am never going to get better than this, and I hate being sick, and I am overwhelmed with all of the medical stuff I am dealing with. I woke up at 5am today thinking “Which doctor told me to get blood work before I came in – the oncologist? The surgeon? The nephrologist?” I’m always talking to doctor’s offices, and faxing things, and calling again to be sure the faxes arrived, and keeping track of paperwork. My kidney binder is getting bigger and bigger. It is overwhelming and I don’t want to do it, I just don’t want any of this. But of course, it is what it is and I need to accept it, put on my big girl panties and get through it.

I vowed to myself at my next session I won’t whine and complain.

I am trying to get up the courage to email my boss and tell her that I really can’t work as much as I have been, that it is wearing me down, and I’m not getting better. J told me what to say, and my friend told me the same thing. But I can’t do it. I guess I am afraid of what she will think of me, and this is my constant problem, worrying about what other people think, not wanting to disappoint anyone. It is a problem that I haven’t been able to overcome in three years of therapy.

I wanted to stop at the wine shop on my way home and buy a bottle of wine, which I haven’t done since March. When I am depressed I want to drink, and when I drink I get depressed. I forced myself to go home without any wine. But tonight I took one of the 40 Percocet tablets that I was prescribed after the surgery. It is making me feel better. But I know this isn’t a solution. I don’t know what the solution is, I guess there isn’t one.

Oct 11 2011

Therapy Recap 10/11/11

I’ve been feeling down lately. Since my surgery I was feeling better and better, but then I stopped feeling better. I’m not back to normal. I went to the doctor yesterday to be checked out, and she ordered lots of blood work, but she hasn’t called me with the results yet.

So J asked how I was and I said fine, as usual. But then I guess I didn’t look fine and I was moping and he asked me what I was thinking about. I told him that I feel like I will never get better, that I’ll be old and sick forever. I had printed out a photo of my boss and me from a race we did a week before my surgery and I showed it to him. I looked really healthy, and even happy. I said I will never be like that again.

He seemed surprised by all of this, he said he thought I was feeling better last week, and I said I was, but now I’m not. Then I told him about the biopsy results that I got last week that show I have kidney disease, and he made the connection that maybe I started to feel worse after I got that diagnosis. Maybe I am thinking that I am finally getting better from having half of my kidney removed, and everything is good, and then, bam, I get this other disease. And I talked about my frustration that no doctor is able to explain it to me. My pcp who I saw yesterday took time to read the report while I was there, and she thought it would be a good idea to see the nephrologist at the big teaching hospital. She said that there is a drug that is used for kidney disease, but it lowers blood pressure, and that wouldn’t work for me.

I told J about getting together with the nursery school teachers that I haven’t seen in so long, and that I talked about cancer with one of the other teachers who had cancer three years ago. She told me about a wellness center for cancer patients, and I checked out their website. They offer a support group for people who are finished with their treatment, and the hospital where I had my surgery offers a similar group. I said that it makes me feel normal to know that there are these groups out there, and J asked if I was going to go to one of them. I said, “No! I don’t need that.” He was confused, since I said knowing about the groups makes me feel normal. I said that knowing that there are other people out there who need support after their treatment is over makes me feel normal, but I don’t need a support group. And anyway, those people probably all had “real” cancer, and I don’t.

J told me that I had gotten to the point where I could accept help and support from friends and family, not because of the cancer, but more about the surgery. He said that frequently there is a let down after an event, even an event that isn’t necessarily a celebration.

I said that I don’t feel like I can talk about this kidney disease problem with anyone, first of all I don’t understand it yet, and second of all, everyone feels that I am “better” now, so if I talk about yet another disease it will just be complaining. I haven’t said anything to anyone about it. J said he knows I have a couple of close friends that I opened up to, and he is sure if I talk to them they will be good listeners. I said that I am going to the beach with one of them this weekend, so maybe I’ll tell her. Every time I think about it, though, I start to cry. He asked when was the last time I saw her, and I said we went to lunch a while ago, but we email and text all the time. I talked about how whenever I am with her I ask her about her cancer, which she had three years ago. I always ask her questions, even about things I am not going through, like radiation and chemo. I said that I really wanted to go to the beach, but I don’t want to drag her down. I can’t do a lot without feeling tired or even exhausted and on weekends I mainly just sit around. He encouraged me to ask her about this, to see if she has activities planned. So after the session I texted her and explained this all to her, and she said she was planning on spending the weekend relaxing, reading, and listening to the sound of the water from the porch. She asked me if I would rather not go, and I told her that I really want to go – I think I need a respite from my house for a while. So I think it will be good.

Then I told J about a friend who I have had for only about three or four years, and we would go out once in a while, and I would see her in her plays that she did with community theater. Whenever we went out she would end up crying, because she has never had a good relationship with a man and she desperately wants that. Anyway, as you know, I isolated myself from everyone a couple of years ago, and she continued to ask me to meet up, but I mostly ignored her. But we had a little facebook chat last week and I told her about my surgery and she was concerned and asked if I wanted to get together sometime. I told J that I don’t know what to say – I’d like to see her, but I feel like I owe her an explanation for why I didn’t communicate with her for so long. I don’t want to lie and say that I have been battling cancer, or that my cousin’s depression kept me busy for years. J told me that it is clear that she wants to see me, and I don’t have to tell her the whole story, just tell her that it was me, not her, and I needed to be alone for a while, but now things are getting better. I think that might work, especially because she likes to talk about herself more than she likes to talk about me.

That was about it, not very exciting, is it? We did go into more detail about “are you feeling worse” and do I think it is emotional or physical. I did concede that maybe I am not feeling worse, but I stopped feeling better. I told him how awful my first run was, but it was a little better on Sunday, and today I ran two miles. Much more slowly than I used to run, but at least my heart wasn’t beating out of my chest. As for is this physical or emotional, I will wait for the results of the blood tests before I make that decision.

I think after the session was over I concluded that what I am feeling is fear. I’ve written before about my fear of illness. I told J that maybe I made a mistake in having this surgery, the type of kidney cancer I have is slow growing, so I could probably have had a good ten years before it would get to the point of really needing surgery or killing me. But they would be ten good years. Now what do I have? Just sickness and being old and frail and cold. I never considered not having the surgery, it just wasn’t an option, all of the doctors said I needed to have it out right away, so I didn’t think about the consequences. And my surgeon was so optimistic, he even said I could run my half marathon if it wasn’t for the fact that I would miss a month of training. Ha! Either his other patients recover much faster, or I am just sicker than them. I don’t want to be sick.