Tag Archives: mother

Dec 24 2012

Another No-Send Email to My Old T

I’ve been writing a lot of these, this is the latest.

Dear J,

I’ve been thinking so much about my therapy with you and why it was so wrong. I keep reading my blog from the end of 2008 through 2010 and it seems like we rarely connected. I don’t know why I kept coming back and why you didn’t suggest that I needed another kind of therapy. I wish I knew what I did wrong so that I don’t do it wrong again this time.

And now it is Christmas eve and I’ve been packing and spackling and painting, and getting ready to sell this house, and having a terrible relationship with my husband, and I picture you so happy with your family and your dog and your Christmas tree and your kids waiting for tomorrow morning for their presents and it seems so nice.

Things aren’t terrible though. We went to my mother’s yesterday for our Hanukkah celebration and it was very nice, all the kids and both husbands were there, and the football game was on so that was a good distraction. My sister and I got along very well and talked, but just about surface stuff of course. And naturally my husband doesn’t talk to my mother or sister, but they didn’t comment about that.

And tomorrow my husband’s sister and her family, and his parents, and our niece and her husband and baby are coming over for another Hanukkah celebration and the kids will be very happy to see each other. My daughter hasn’t seen anyone for the last 4 months so everyone is happy to see her. It’s great having her back, of course, she spent a few hours with us and now is out with friends, but that’s ok.

I don’t know why I am ruminating so much on our therapy. I know you say it wasn’t bad and you can’t do therapy wrong, but I know that you know that I didn’t do it like most people do. But it is ok with Art T that I don’t talk about my week, so if I had known that there were different kinds of therapy in the beginning, and if I had known which kind I wanted and needed, it would have made things a lot different. I would have known that therapy with you wasn’t the kind for me. But I didn’t know any of those things, and why didn’t you? Why didn’t you tell me?

Dec 7 2011

One Big Happy Family

Yesterday I got an email from my sister.  The same sister who didn’t contact me when I had my surgery, not by phone or email or text.  And when I saw her at my mother’s brunch a few weeks after the surgery she didn’t ask me how I am, or how I am feeling.

She works at the hospital where I am going tomorrow, it is where my oncologist is.  She is not a doctor, she is a dietician, but I am not sure if she has the ability to see my file.  Everything is computerized there, so my file is not the paper kind.

I had told my mother that I would be going for my 3 month scans this Thursday.  My sister’s email said:

A little birdie told me that you will be @ the hospital on Thursday. If you would like me to stop by or if you need anything while you are there, please let me know. I hope all goes well.

Thinking of you,

A

I’m wondering why all of a sudden she is so willing to be helpful.  I don’t trust this, she is very manipulative.  And the “little birdie” thing – she talks like that and it is so annoying to me.  Why couldn’t she say “Mom told me…”

I forwarded her email to my mother with this:

 I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell A, or anyone for that matter, about when and where my hospital visits are.  It’s really nobody’s concern.

My mother responded with this:

 

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude on your privacy.  I haven’t mentioned this to anyone other than A, and she is concerned about your health.  Pls don’t take this the wrong way.  We all are family and your health is important to all of us.

If you wish, in the future, I will not mention your health issues with A, although again she is concerned about you.  Let’s all move along and get on with our lives and be together as a family.

Mom

At least she said she is sorry.  I don’t believe that my sister is concerned about my health, actually there is nothing to be concerned about, I don’t have cancer anymore.  “We are all family????”  Well I guess so, by blood.  My health didn’t seem to be important to my sister when I did have cancer.

So now we shall move along and get on with our lives and be together as a family.  Oops, not that last part.  My sister and I do not have a relationship, and I do not care to have one with her.  Just because we are sisters doesn’t mean that we have to be together as a family.

Whenever my sister and I had an altercation, my mother would tell me I have to overlook what she does.  That blood is thicker than water.  But I got tired of overlooking and although I will continue to overlook, I will not have a relationship with her.

I also have an appointment with the kidney doctor at the same hospital next week.  My mother doesn’t know about that, I don’t plan on sharing any information with her about possible kidney disease.  I’m concerned that my sister will look at my file and see that I met with a kidney doctor, and be able to read his diagnosis and notes.  That is why I didn’t want my mother telling my sister that I am seeing any doctor at the hospital.

When I go tomorrow I will find out if she can see my file.  I’ll feel better knowing that she can’t.

Oct 25 2011

Therapy Recap 10/25/11

First I apologized for whining and complaining so much last week. J gently mocked me and said “Oh yeah, it was terrible.” He said he didn’t consider it complaining, I was expressing my feelings. I told him that I wanted him to know that I don’t whine and complain to anyone, so unfortunately he has to bear the brunt of it, and he said that is what he is there for, and it’s not complaining. I told him that he shouldn’t have to listen to that all day, and said “Yes I do.”

I told him that I should be filled with gratitude now that I am a cancer survivor and a surgery survivor. He asked me why, and I said that is how people are after they are given a serious diagnosis. He asked me how I know people are like that, and I said because there are stories and articles and forums where people talk about it. J said I don’t need to feel gratitude, and perhaps the people feeling gratitude are just more vocal than the ones who don’t feel the gratitude.

We spent the time talking about how I feel physically and mentally, and my rough week last week with a couple of meltdowns and taking a percocet and getting sick. He asked me what I did to make myself feel better by today, and I never know how to answer that question. I don’t think I did anything.

I told him how I was going to send my boss an email telling her that I needed to cut back, but I never did it. I said derogatory things like “I’m so stupid” and “I’m a failure.” I changed that to “I am a failure at asserting myself.” And “I’m never going to change, I’ve been coming here for years and I’m not changing.” J disagreed and said he has seen changes, and gave specific examples. I said that I am still continuing to put other people’s needs before mine, and having a fear that they won’t like me if am not always competent and put together. I guess I am getting a little better with my friends, but work is still tough.

We talked more about how I went back to work too soon, and I asked him why he didn’t tell me not to. He said he can’t tell me what to do. Since when?

Then we got into my fear of sickness, and not wanting to admit I can’t work because that means I am sick. We talked about that for a while, and I told him that when my father was ill I would call my mother to see how my dad was doing on any particular day and she would screech: “He’s sick!” Well, I knew that, I was asking more along the lines of “How is dad’s breathing today” or “Did dad get out of bed today.” We talked about the label “sick” and my feelings about it, and the fact that I am really not sick, and if I take some time off work it doesn’t mean I am sick, I just need some time to recuperate from surgery. I also said I am old and J asked me why I think I am old; I said “People my age are old.”

I asked J if both of his parents were still living, and he said one of them is. I asked if it was his dad, and he said no, his dad died. I asked him how old he was when his dad died, and he said he was 19. His dad must have been young. J asked me why I was asking, what was I thinking about. So we got into my dad’s experience, and my feelings about it, and my fear that it will happen to me. I told him that when my dad got sick I decided to have a baby, even though we weren’t planning on having a baby so quickly. But I was afraid my dad would die with no grandchildren. J said that was a way for me to take control in whatever way I could.

J asked me how much lately I am thinking about my dad’s illness and worrying about mine, and I told him that this week in particular I was thinking about it a lot because I have been having trouble getting an appointment with the doctor at the big famous hospital, and no one is calling me back. And I don’t know what the biopsy of my kidney means, so I am just living with uncertainty. I told him that I would rather be told that I have 6 months to live, than to be uncertain about what is going on. I have no plan of action, and it is making me anxious. I feel that when I meet with the doctor, and he explains things to me and gives me more information I think I will have a lot less worrying.

J said that made sense, and he said that he felt that when I got the cancer diagnosis it seemed to energize me, that I took control and did research and figured out what I needed and how to get it done. I told him that I like a project, however I would have preferred one that didn’t involve cancer. He also said that my fear of illness is very understandable considering my father’s age vs my age, my father’s diagnosis vs my diagnosis, and my mother’s label of sickness. When my father got sick he didn’t work anymore, so to me not working = sick.

J asked me what I think the chances are of me ending up like my father. I know that in addition to kidney failure my dad had very bad heart problems, and I don’t. And I said that when/if I get to kidney failure I will not go on dialysis, so I won’t end up like my dad.

At the end of the session J said he wants me to think or talk, I can’t remember which, about my father and his illness and how I dealt with it, and my mother’s reactions and how she handled it, and my fear of being like my father. I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, and I got sad. I told J that my father was the parent who, I wouldn’t say liked me better because I am sure my mother liked me, but always thought that no matter what I did it was great, and was always so proud of me and showed it.

He also mentioned the mindfulness thing again, that I should dust off the mindfulness cd’s. I can’t do mindfulness, because I get the intrusive thoughts very badly, and I’d rather think about what is going to happen in the future, or what I did in the past, than try not to think about anything and have the intrusive thoughts. I’ll have to remind him about that.

And today, thanks to the intervention of my primary care physician, I was able to get an appointment with a kidney doctor at the big famous hospital. I’ll be seeing him November 7th. The ending of the frustration of trying to get that appointment is like a weight off of my shoulders. In two weeks I’ll know what I’m dealing with and what I am up against, and no matter what it is, it is better than the uncertainty.

Sep 25 2011

There’s A Last Time For Everything

Today my husband, son and I went to brunch with my mother and her boyfriend. My sister and my niece were also there. At the time that my mother told me that she wanted to do this brunch for her 75th birthday, and my sister’s birthday which is Tuesday, I asked if my sister’s whole family would be there. Her husband and son rarely if ever show up for family gatherings, and I always make my husband and son come with me. She assured me that they would be there.

On our way to the restaurant I told my husband that if my sister’s husband and son weren’t there I would be very angry. We arrive at the restaurant and her husband and son weren’t there. The waiter came over and I said we were waiting for two more people, and my sister said they weren’t coming. I asked why not and she said, “H (her husband) had plans and C (her son) was sleeping.” This is my mother’s 75th birthday celebration and right in front of her my sister says that basically her husband and son can’t make the effort to be with her. My son was sleeping too, and I woke him up to come with us. After she said that I said, “Oh, well we had plans too, but we are here.”

In case anyone doesn’t know, or forgot, my sister and I have always had a rocky relationship, and a year ago at this time I stopped speaking to her. This has been great for me, but I am sure it is troubling for my mother who wants us to be one big happy family. We are a small family, just my mother, sister, and me, and since my mother doesn’t speak to my aunts, it is really just the three of us.

Today my sister did not ask me how my surgery went, how I am doing, how I feel, etc. She sent me an email about a month before my surgery saying she heard that I am having a “procedure” and she hopes it goes well. That was the last I heard from her. She didn’t call me, or send an email or card while I was in the hospital, or afterwards. And today she didn’t mention it at all. I guess that is to be expected, after all, I am the one who broke off communication with her.

A friend asked me if I want to have a relationship with my sister, and I said that I do not, but I do want to have a sister that I can have a relationship with. That is obviously not possible unfortunately.

When we were leaving and saying goodbye to my mother she said that she loved me. She tells me this about once a year, I remember once last year when she told me. She had a mimosa with breakfast, so maybe she was a little tipsy.

This was officially the last time I am attending one of these “family” events. I will celebrate family occasions with my mother and my immediate family, but not with my sister or her always absent spouse.

Update: my sister unfriended me on facebook.

Sep 6 2011

Therapy Recap 9/6/11

J started out by asking me how I am doing. How I am “really” doing, and I said fine. As I always say. I said, “Everyone is saying this surgery is no big deal, so I guess it isn’t. So I’m fine.”

We talked about what I am picturing and thinking about in regards to the surgery, and I said I can only imagine based on what I see on tv and based on other family members experiences in the hospital. J asked if I was imagining good looking doctors. That would be nice of course.

I told him what my psychiatrist said last week, and he said that he sees things differently. He thinks I have handled everything about this medical situation very well, I have been logical and not out of control, and yes, he does think I could be more assertive with certain people, but overall he doesn’t think I am demonstrating “bad” behavior patterns (pdoc didn’t use the word “bad”). I told him that she asked me why I don’t want people coming to see me in the hospital, as though there is something wrong with that, although that could just be my interpretation of her comment. J said that there is absolutely nothing wrong or weird about not wanting people to come to the hospital, after surgery a person doesn’t feel well, they are in a hospital gown with tubes everywhere, messed up hair, no makeup (he said this), and it is perfectly alright to want to be alone, or with just a close family member. He brought up that I had said it would be different if I was going to be there for five days, then I might not mind people coming to see me.

I told him about my husband thinking this weekend is the opportunity to have a party, and why my husband might be thinking like this. That maybe he doesn’t know what to do, so he is stepping up to the plate by ordering food. (Oh, and after we had the conversation about getting food for Saturday night my husband said he might invite a bunch of people over on Sunday to watch the game here.)

J says it would be good for me to be more assertive with my husband, to tell him exactly what I want, and if necessary to play the cancer card. I may have to say, “I am having a malignant tumor removed and I can do what I want – when you have a malignant tumor removed you can do what you want.” I told J it is hard for me, and he said maybe because I am good at putting my thoughts into writing I should send my husband an email. That would open the door to a discussion. He said some great words that I could say to my husband and I said, “Maybe you could just talk to him for me, since you know what to say and it sounds really good when you say it.” He said he couldn’t do that. Darn.

And he said if I make my wants and needs known, and my husband still doesn’t pay attention to what I want, I can always do a passive-aggressive move, like when his whole family is over here because he didn’t tell them not to come I can be sitting with them and say, “I’m going to throw up” and then proceed to do it. He was joking. I think.

I brought up how my husband and mother don’t like to see or hear about negative emotions, and J said that is their problem, not mine. I said I believe it is also mine. He said I can show whatever emotion I want to and not worry if they can’t handle it, but I told him that if they blow me off my feelings will be hurt. He asked me which is better – to stuff all of my feelings inside, or to let them out and then have to deal with an extra one when I get my feelings hurt. I said “Stuff them all inside.” That wasn’t the right answer apparently. I told him that I plan to be positive and happy with my husband and mother, and when the hospital staff wheels me away I can cry or shake, or whatever I want because the hospital staff is used to that. He compared it to a parent being stoic when their child is taken to the hospital, and then crying after the child is taken away. But I’m not their parent.

I asked if I could tell him a story. I told him about my sister’s son who had surgery on his skull when he was 11 months old. It was a very involved, long surgery, and my sister, her husband and I were in the hospital waiting room while he had the surgery. After a few hours the doctor came in and told us that everything went very well, that they are just finishing up and that we could see him soon. My brother-in-law started crying. Later that day my mother called to see how things had gone and I told her about BIL crying, and she said, “Oh, that’s because he’s not like us.”

J said, “You mean he’s human?”

He asked me who said it’s not right to show emotion, and I told him that my mother said that. And I know it’s not true, but after living that way for 40 or 50 years, it’s kind of hard to change.

J thought that maybe I could intellectualize my feelings and my husband and mother might be more receptive. Rather than crying and shaking I could say, “I’m feeling very anxious, my stomach is very jittery.” And you know, I might just try something like that – not because I think it is a good idea, but to see what kind of response I get. So I can go back to J and say, “I told you so.”

He asked how I was sleeping and I said pretty well, but having weird dreams. He perked up at that and asked me about the dreams, but I couldn’t remember any of them very well. I told him that they aren’t scary, just bizarre. But that frequently happens to me when I take wellbutrin. I did say that I have been very tired in the afternoons and fall asleep sometimes, and I didn’t know why. Maybe because I changed my diet. He thought maybe it is due to anxiety, even though I am not overtly anxious, it is an underlying anxiety. He said that there is a lot of uncertainty, and all I can base my imagination on is…..and at the same exact time I said “Grey’s Anatomy” and he said, “Quincy”. I said “Quincy?!?!?! He’s the guy who worked on dead people. I hope I don’t end up in the medical examiner’s office.” He apologized, and said that was the first thing that came to him. And they say nothing is an accident, right?

I told J that I made an appointment for a Reiki session today, and he thought that was great. We talked about that for a while. I’ll have to write about my Reiki another time.

So then it got to the end of the session and we were talking about when I would come back. Once again I told him that I don’t expect him to hold my space for me, and he said, again, “OK, but I will.” He said if I was someone who he only saw six times he might fill the spot with other “customers” (that is what he calls his clients). I told him I didn’t know how many sessions I would miss, but definitely next week and probably the week after. Then I should be fine. He said he thought we should have some communication, and he asked if I would mind if he emailed me next week at my time because he would be thinking about me on Tuesday at 11am. Or if I want, I could email him before that. He asked me a couple of times if I would mind if he emailed me and I said it would be fine. So we left it at that, and he said good luck and that was it.

It’s good that nothing too emotional came up since I won’t be back for two or three weeks. I want to talk to him about when I should end therapy, it’s been three years as of this week, and I feel like maybe this is as far as I can go. And when I come back we won’t have the medical stuff to talk about anymore, so will we have anything to talk about? Thinking about ending is scary and sad, I guess I’m getting kind of attached to it. It’s not terrible when I have to miss a week, and I am really anxious the morning of my session, and while I am there. But I guess it is nice having someone to talk to.

Aug 30 2011

Therapy Recap 8/30/11

No therapy last week because I met with the surgeon. I would have done a surgeon recap, but nothing new came up. I had the MRI but the surgeon still doesn’t know how much of my kidney he will have to remove. I don’t really like that, but there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is.

Did I mention I love my surgeon? His name starts with a J also, as do mostly all of the medical professionals in my life, so I’ll call him Dr. L. Dr. L. keeps us waiting for about an hour every time we go to see him. But then when he comes in the room he acts like he has all the time in the world for us. He’ll sit down and ask if I have any questions and then just sit there, staring intently at me, and just waiting. Waiting, waiting, to see if I have any questions. Like he has nothing else to do that day, which I know is totally not true – he has a lot to do! But he is great.

Since I missed t last week, I was doubly anxious today. It is always hard to start after a break.
We chit chatted about the weather and the blinds on the windows and what’s new. Then we had this conversation:

Me: Do you have a lot of clients?
J: Depends on the week. Why, what are you thinking about?
Me: Are you really busy?
J: Some days are really packed and others are much lighter.

J waiting intently……

J: What are you thinking about?
Me: If I had a conflict on a Tuesday I wouldn’t be able to reschedule because you are really busy.
J: Absolutely.
Me: Absolutely I can reschedule if I have a conflict?
J: Absolutely.
Me: Oh…ok…..

Of course the unsaid words were “You just have to ask” which means I will probably never reschedule.

Then I asked him about the email he sent me two weeks ago when he apologized for our discussion being a distraction, and he said he knows that the medical stuff is first and foremost for me right now and he is sorry if his joking around and the subsequent discussion distracted me. I told him I didn’t consider it a distraction, that it was important to me.

I told J that I got a “Get Well” card last week, and I didn’t think I deserved it. That I went to a baseball game that night, and what if I had run into the person who sent it? We talked about that for a while, and an online kidney cancer forum I found where someone was asking if we thought it was cheating to call ourselves “cancer survivors.” Most people said they would never think of themselves that way, until they had their surgery. Then they changed their minds.

We talked about how I asked my husband to call the doctor’s office to find out if my insurance has approved the surgery, and my husband actually did it. He left a message for the surgery coordinator, and I told him that she never calls back, so he called again yesterday, and again today until he got in touch with the person. J thought it was great that I asked my husband to do something, and that I gave him a task that he was actually capable of doing.

Then I told him that my mother thought it would be a good idea for her to come stay the weekend when I get home from the hospital because she didn’t think my husband could “handle everything”. I told her that he was perfectly capable of handling everything and she should come on Monday. She replied by saying she would come Sunday night. J said I should tell her again to come on Monday and I said that would be hard for me, and he says he knows.

We talked about the surgery some more and how I don’t know what to expect and that makes me anxious. I asked him about his experience with general anesthesia and what it is like to wake up afterwards. I keep talking about how the recovery will be easy, and I’ll be fine, but I wonder what it will really be like. I have no idea.

When we got into this conversation I got choked up and teary, but I don’t know why. I didn’t cry, and J didn’t ask, but I guess something was bothering me. I say I’m not afraid, but maybe I am?

I told J that I changed my diet, first I did it to reduce the protein for the benefit of my kidneys, then I decided to go even further because I have been reading a lot about the effects of diet on cancer. It is all theory, nothing has been proven, but I think it can’t hurt. I cut out all animal products, which is actually something I have been wanting to do for a long time, but it is hard and I never had much willpower. I said I don’t know how long this will last, but I hope it does. Now that I have cancer as a reason for this diet no one can criticize me or call me weird anyway. We also talked about how I am fearful of gaining weight after surgery, and how I won’t be able to run or bike for 4 to 6 weeks.

I asked J if we would be talking about this all the time now, and he said he thought it was probably on my mind the most, and he is right. But it does bring in other issues, like my relationships with my husband and mother, so even though the medical stuff is the topic, we really are discussing the other issues.

I think next week I would like to talk about how I can’t really show my true emotions (if they are negative – ie; sadness, fear) in front of my husband and mother – the two closest relationships in my life. They don’t like to see those. I’ll have to put on a happy face and laugh and joke until I get wheeled to the OR, then I can start shaking and crying.

Aug 10 2011

Got That Over With!

Last night I had a dream about telling my mother about my surgery. Not a good night’s sleep at all!

This morning I tried calling her at home again, but she wasn’t there. I figured she was somewhere with her boyfriend, they have been traveling around all summer, so I called her on her cell phone and she answered. I asked her where she was and she said she was in the hospital.

I got frightened – I said why are you in the hospital? It turns out she wasn’t IN the hospital, she was AT the hospital. With her boyfriend, who had gone in for a procedure. It turns out that he has bladder cancer, but it has been in remission. He goes to get checked every three months and today during his routine check the doctors found malignant tumors in his bladder. She was upset and waiting to see him after he got out of the recovery room. She said he had chemo once before and it was awful and he is going to be very upset about this. She just went on and on about it.

Then she said she had to go pick up and watch my sister’s daughter this afternoon, blah blah blah. Then she talked about someone who is supposed to come to her condo tomorrow to paint the bathroom, and maybe she should cancel him because her boyfriend has to stay in the hospital overnight and she might need to take him home because she has his car, blah blah blah.

Then she started talking about her trip to the beach last week, and how she went to a new beach, the one I normally go to, and how she liked it so much better than the usual beach she goes to and how they wrote down the names of a bunch of hotels, blah blah blah.

This went on for about 15 minutes or so, and I didn’t say much, since she didn’t pause much. She just talked and talked. Then she said, “So what is new with you?”

I wasn’t sure this was a great time to tell her, but I figured there wouldn’t be any time great to tell her, so I just told her. She asked me a couple of questions, then said, “Oh my god I have a stomach ache from all of this.” She asked me about my surgeon, and who was he, and did I check him out and research him, and where did he do his residency? I told her that we met him, and he has a lot of experience, and I don’t know where he did his residency. She asked me where I am having the surgery, and I told her “XYZ Hospital” (my local hospital, not a large university or cancer center hospital). Her response? “Oh,” (you’ll have to imagine the tone of voice), “why are you having it there?” I told her that is where the surgeon works. She said that maybe I should go to ABC Hospital – the huge hospital one hour away from where I live – and also the place where her second husband died. I told her that if I hadn’t liked the surgeon I would have gone for a second opinion, but we like him. She asked me to email her his name, and his website, which I did later in the day. She asked for the date of the surgery and said, “Well I am going to be there, no question about that.”

She mentioned a couple of people she knows who had kidney cancer and had surgery and are now doing fine.

Then she got back to talking about her boyfriend. How he is going to be so upset that he needs chemo, and how she was doing research on the internet looking for alternate ways of treating this, blah blah blah. And how he better call his children so that they can come, blah blah blah.

Then she said she had to go, and she would call me tonight. I said ok, and good bye. And that was that. I’m glad I told her, and if she starts bothering me with advice I just won’t answer the phone when she calls. So far it’s tonight and she hasn’t called. And by the way, my surgeon did his residency at Boston University. I wonder if she’ll think that is acceptable. I hope her stomach feels better.

May 17 2011

Therapy Recap 5/17/11

J and I talked about food issues today. I told him about my birthday dinner with my friends, and how anxious I was about it, and how I ate a little salad while they ate pizza and burgers. But we did order dessert and I did eat some of it. I didn’t feel good about it though.

We talked about my history of weight issues, which only started about 5 years ago when I lost the weight I had gained from being on zoloft. J spent a lot of time on the logic of eating, and how logically I should be able to eat in more relaxed fashion without gaining a lot of weight, since the only times I ever gained weight was during my pregnancies and while on zoloft. I’m obviously not a binger or an out of control eater.

We talked about how I feel about my current weight and why I want to weigh less, because it definitely won’t matter to my health or even how I look. I’ve lost about five pounds in the last six weeks and would like to lose five more.

Towards the end of the session I told J that I don’t really think this is about food at all. He said that he agreed, he thinks it is about control. I said that I’m not even sure it is about control, I think it is about punishing myself. It’s like cutting. He said that cutting is related to guilt, so how is the eating issue a punishment. I told him that it is the same thing, I don’t think I am a good enough person and so I hurt myself in whatever way I can think of.

Then I asked him if he wanted to hear a story, and I told him the story of my mother and how she knocked the cake out of her friend’s hand the first time she met her. We talked about if my mother ever did anything like that when I was a child, and I told him that she didn’t, but when I got older she would sometimes say “You don’t need that” when I was eating something. But I remember eating a lot of junk as a child, ice cream, yodels, snowballs, etc. She didn’t restrict what I ate.

J asked me to write about what food means to me. He said as a psychologist he sees food as a form of love and nurturing. I thought this would be a difficult assignment, but as soon as I left I figured out what food means to me, and why, and I wrote it all up. I’ll probably post that tomorrow.

There were two things J said that rubbed me the wrong way. I was saying that even though I lost all the weight I had gained on zoloft, my weight seemed to be distributed on my body differently. He said, “Well, that is most likely normal, judging by the old people that I talk to.” I think he knew as soon as the word “old” was out of his mouth that it was a poor choice of words, and I told him so. He apologized, but it really irked me.

Later on he asked if he could talk about himself for a minute. I told him that was fine, as a matter of fact I would like him to talk about himself all the time. So he said that over the last six months he has lost 12 pounds “without really doing anything, just adding some cardio”. This was related to what we were talking about, somewhat, but it really bothered me that after talking to him for two weeks about how I am struggling to lose weight, he tells me that he lost 12 pounds without even doing much. I don’t think it was really necessary to prove a point that he wanted to make by telling me this about himself. Maybe I’m just too sensitive.

It was a good enough session. I think the food issue is way deeper than food, or control, and I’m not sure J can go that deep. I’ve had this issue with him before. Maybe it isn’t necessary to go that deep, maybe I just need to change my attitude. Change my thoughts, and my behavior will change, right? Easier said than done.

Apr 27 2011

A Letter To My Therapist

Dear T,

I am wondering if you have been trying to make me angry during these last two sessions. I thought things were going well with us for the past couple of months, and I think that was due in part to the fact that I stopped writing in my blog, and also because I was focusing on day to day things.

But when I try to talk about larger issues, things fall apart. I feel misunderstood, minimized, and like we are on different wavelengths, despite feeling understood and like you are helping me when we talk about the smaller things. At our session two weeks ago I brought up that I was concerned that this time last year was very bad for me, and I want to avoid that happening this year. You asked if I can avoid or get past bad feelings by thinking about the future, thinking about how I will feel one hour from now, or one day, or one week. I told you that I don’t think about the future and I have no idea how I will feel in the future. You said that one day you woke up and felt very tired, but you thought to yourself that if you have some coffee you will feel better in a couple of hours. I commented that it’s not a very comparison to suicidal thoughts.

I have talked previously about how I don’t see anything for myself in the future. I can’t picture it, I don’t want to think about it, because it will just be more of the same, life as it is right now or worse, getting old and sick and more and more alone. So I don’t see how thinking about the future will ever make me feel anything but worse. I thought it would be better to talk about concrete ways to avoid a repeat of last year, some things I have come up with on my own, as we talked about last week. I stopped drinking so much, started running again, etc. I think real actions that I could take would work better for me than thinking about how I will feel in the future, and I felt misunderstood because I have told you before that I don’t see anything positive in my future.

This week I talked about how I don’t see any difference in myself or my life from a year ago at this time. You mentioned that you do see a change in me, that I am not so introspective anymore. I am confused about that, because I don’t see what is wrong with being introspective, and you have never mentioned before that it is a characteristic of myself that I should try to change. I would think that introspection would be a good quality, particularly when one is in therapy. Is the therapy just supposed to happen in one 45 minute block of time per week? I wish there was a more positive change, for example, being with and having fun with my friends again, feeling better about myself, having a better relationship with my husband and children.

Then we talked about what makes life worth living, and you told me that it is the little things that happen on a daily basis. That I need to be mindful and have gratitude and stop to smell the roses. Personally I think I do stop to smell the roses. There are lots of things in life that give me a good feeling – seeing the geese being born on the towpath, beautiful movies and music, or the change of seasons. I told you that I was looking at the bigger picture, and you said that is my problem, looking at the bigger picture and not seeing the details.

I feel that you are trying to convince me that I should think like you do. But this won’t work, because we think differently and because our lives are so different. It seems as though it would be easy to be happy with haircuts, and tulips and puzzle apps on the phone, when the rest of your life is fulfilling. You seem to have a gratifying career helping people, great relationships with your wife and friends, financial security, and you are healthy, young, fit, good looking. With a life like that a hair cut or a warm day is just icing on the cake.

As for mindfulness, sure I am mindful. When my husband comes home from work I am mindful of the fact that we haven’t done anything together for weeks. When I am at work doing menial chores like filing and picking up bananas at the grocery store I am mindful that I have never made anything of myself professionaly. When I see my son sitting in his messy room, unshowered, playing video games, I am mindful of the mistakes I made raising him.

I am grateful for many things in my life and I think about them every day. I live in a comfortable home in a safe neighborhood, I drive a safe and environmentally friendly car, my children are healthy, I have good friends who care about me, and lots of other things. But as I said, I guess my expectations are too high. I’m too idealistic I suppose.

When I compare my life with yours I know I can never measure up. I know this is my distorted thinking, but I imagine you laughing at me in your head. I told you that I started running and biking, and you are probably thinking “What kind of running and biking can an old, fat woman like her do?” And I feel like you are always trying to one up me, even when you don’t intend to. I started riding my bike this week, and I felt pretty good about it. But when I pulled into your office parking lot yesterday, what did I see on top of your car? A high performance road bike. Yeah, I peddle along on my dopey little bike on dirt trails, while you crank out 40 or 50 miles on the highway between clients.

I know you swim, and that you ran in a race not long ago, and had a great race time despite never having run before, and now you are biking. I guess you are training for a triathlon. Want to hear something crazy? A couple of years ago I had the idea of doing a triathlon, a sprint triathlon of course, because I thought it would be a good thing to do when I turned 50. But I never did it, because I thought I couldn’t. And now you are training for what is probably an Ironman Triathlon. If I even brought up the idea of doing a triathlon myself you would most likely laugh your head off.

Another thing I don’t understand at all, is that when I mentioned that I feel it is important to always be growing as a person you said, “That’s fine if you are 6 years old.” I felt so dismissed, as though what I had said was beyond ridiculous. But I do really believe that, for me at least, growing and learning is important. Learning new things, becoming a better person, whatever. And you reduced that to an old lady in a nursing home playing sudoku. I have no intention of getting a PhD, but what if I wanted to? Why couldn’t I? Why do I have to play sudoku?

I know I am being triggered by the same things my mother used to do to me. Even now, I am a grown adult, and she criticizes me for the way I am dealing with my children. I immediately get that feeling of being a failure. I’m wondering if you are doing this to me on purpose, if it is some kind of therapeutic technique, to get me to feel like I do when my mother does this to me. Or if you really feel that I will never be good enough, that I will never measure up to you, and my life will never be as satisfying as yours is.

I wonder if that is why you brought up the story about the hole in the plane. That you were purposely scaring me to prove that I am really not as fearless about flying as I thought I was.

Someone told me that I shouldn’t ruminate on this until the next time I see you. That is the purpose of writing all of this out, even though I have been avoiding writing so that I can actually talk. But hopefully by emptying my head on paper I won’t have to think about it until next Tuesday, and I can enjoy little things like seeing the baby geese.

Apr 6 2011

Therapy Recap 4/5/11

J and I talked more about my cousin and her status. She went home from the hospital last Wednesday. I told him that I have only talked to her once, and that was Thursday night when we were trying to arrange who would take her to her ect treatment on Friday morning. Then her mother came down on Saturday and is staying for two weeks. I told J that her mother (my aunt) called me twice on Saturday, but I didn’t answer. Later in the day I felt bad so I called her back, and she went on and on, telling me how she has always had strong faith, even during her divorce and her cancer, but seeing her daughter like this makes her really question her faith. I told J that really annoyed me. She is always trying to find someone to blame this on – my cousin’s father, her ex-husband, her jobs, now God. Plus she wasn’t even there when her daughter was at her worst, so she didn’t see that.

Then I talked about last Tuesday night when I visited my cousin, she was still in the hospital then. Her ex-boyfriend/friend was there too and we started talking about our mothers. She said about her mother, ”She drives me crazy, but overall I think she is an easy person for most people to get along with.” I had to bite my tongue, but maybe it is true, she has quite a few friends. Then my cousin said about my mother, “Your mother is nice to me now, and she is very good to my son, but when I was little I wasn’t good.” It’s true, that is what my mother thought. Whenever my cousin would leave after a visit my mother would say, “What is wrong with L? She just lays on the couch, she never does anything.” I told J that I felt surprised that my cousin felt this from my mother, maybe my mother even said things like that directly to her, I don’t know. I also felt bad for her because aunts are supposed to be the nice ones, and here she has a mean aunt, and it’s my mother. I also told him that it was a combination of validating and fear hearing her say this about my mother. I have been telling J all along that I am never good enough for my mother, but I always had the idea in the back of my head that maybe it wasn’t her, it was me, I’m too sensitive. But if my cousin felt the same way… However, my cousin is very sensitive too, so maybe both of us are wrong.

That night my cousin also said that she thought my mother favored my sister over me. I didn’t know why she thought that. J and I talked about childhood stuff. He asked me if my mother nagged me to be perfect, ie; homework, keeping my room clean. I said that she didn’t have to nag me, I did all of that on my own. My clothes were organized by color in my closet. I told him that they still are. ROYGBIV, you know? He asked me what this type of organization says about me and I said I guess I am a control freak. He disagreed and said that I prevent anxiety on the back end by organizing things on the front end. It gives me some control, but he doesn’t consider it a control freak. I guess that would be if a pink shirt was mixed in with the black shirts and I had a panic attack. That would be over the top. J said that he organizes his clothes in the closet, work clothes vs other clothes, but his t-shirts are just all in a drawer. My t-shirts are folded so that they can all be seen from above, with drawer dividers, and also in color order. Hey, it makes it easier for me to find things, so don’t criticize me!

We talked about what I should be doing for my cousin now. I have been giving her space. I told J that I feel that she doesn’t want me around, that I was in her space for two and half weeks and now she needs to be away from me. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone there every day. He asked me what she is doing or saying that leads me to believe this. I told him that she isn’t doing or saying anything, it is just my distorted thinking. Yay for me! Progress in therapy I guess.

But he did tell me that I should call her and just say that I’m around, if she wants me to come by I am available, if there is anything she needs I should let her know. I told him I could do that.

We also addressed how I should deal with her mother. I don’t want a relationship with her mother, she never wanted one with me, and now suddenly I’m her best friend. She texts me all the time, she wants me to come over and visit. J said I should ride the wave, deal with her while she is friendly, but keep in mind that it won’t last. I told him that she annoys me so much and I am very angry with her, and seeing her is fairly intolerable. I said that I know he told me to let the anger roll off of my back, and he said he knows that is easier said than done. She wants to plan a weekend at the beach, but she told me that she doesn’t want my mother to come. J says if she mentions it, I should tell her that I am not comfortable doing that. My mother still doesn’t know any of the stuff that has happened with my cousin, or my involvement in this.

I talked about my guilt, how I could have done more to prevent the overdose from happening. I should have convinced her mother that L really needed inpatient treatment, and I should have called her psychiatrist to let him know how suicidal she was, as people were suggesting to me. J said that there is nothing more I could have done. I could have talked to her mother until I was blue in the face, but she wouldn’t listen. She minimized the whole thing, she didn’t even come down here until two days after the overdose, and that was because I called her and said I thought L might die. As for calling the psychiatrist, J said that he has gotten calls from people who are concerned about someone he is seeing. It doesn’t make him pick up the phone and call 911. The next time the person comes in, he would ask about things and make his own determination, or he would consult with other doctors seeing that person. If I had called the doctor, it is entirely possible that nothing would have come out differently, except for the fact that my cousin wouldn’t trust me because I went behind her back. I know all of this logically, but it is hard for me to get over guilt.

I didn’t mention Chipotle and he didn’t either. I didn’t want him to think I am a bad or resistant client.

Somehow we got to talking about our dogs. He said his dog is afraid of thunder and I said, “Oh my god, so is mine. Was yours freaking out the last two nights?” Because the last two nights we had storms in the middle of the night. He said he even told his wife that they would have to call the vet and get something for the dog because they aren’t sleeping and they are exhausted. I told him that he could give the dog xanax. He said his dog starts panting and shaking ten minutes before he can even hear the thunder, and I said my dog too! I said my dog is 11 and she still hasn’t gotten used to it, and he said his dog is 7 and hasn’t gotten used to it either. I told him that now my dog is afraid of wind and rain, and he said his is too because she knows thunder is coming. I can’t remember why we had this conversation, but it was so weird, like just a normal conversation two people would have. I think it had something to do with not getting annoyed or mad at the dog, because she can’t help it when she gets afraid. And my aunt can’t help the way she is and she isn’t going to change, so I have to accept her the way she is. I said, “I don’t have to like it.” And he said that I don’t have to like it.

He said that there was only one instance in the session where I was self-deprecating. Previously I would talk about feeling guilty, and feeling guilty for feeling guilty, and how everything is my fault, but today I didn’t do that and he was very pleased.

I wanted to talk to him about how I’ve been feeling in general since the overdose, emotional, bad dreams, etc, but there was no time. All of this will probably go away in time anyway.