Tag Archives: obsessive

Dec 22 2009

Therapy Recap 12/22/09

First let me say that I hate therapy. I had to get that out of the way.

We start the session same as always, How are you? Fine. How are you? Good. Good. What are we talking about? I looked around the room, like I usually do. I asked J if he ever thought about having some toys in the office. He said, “For you?” I said, “Not just for me. Don’t your other clients want toys?” He said there were some blocks in the other room for when the therapists see children. I didn’t think blocks would be what I needed, unless I could sit on the floor with them. I said, “Do you have a slinky? Or some play-dough?” He got up and went into the other room and came back with a squishy ball that was black and white like a soccer ball. I took it. I got to squish it the whole time.

I told J that I didn’t know what was wrong with me lately, that I think I have a brain tumor. He said he thought he had a brain tumor a couple of days ago because he was mixing words up. But then he decided he was just tired. He asked me why I thought I had a brain tumor. So I gave him some examples of what’s been going on.

First I told him that I hated having his book that he lent to me. I was afraid something would happen to it. It was too hard for me to come right out and say, “I was afraid I would purposely ruin it.” And since he is not a mind reader he didn’t get that. He said, “So, something could spill on it, or it could get ripped. What’s the big deal? That sounds like anxiety to me.”

Then I gave him the example of having the urge to steal things at the Container Store. We talked about the details of that a while. And I gave him the example of shopping in the grocery store with the portable scanner and how I accidentally put something in my bag without scanning it, and then I became somewhat obsessive about checking every item 2 or 3 times to be sure I scanned it, and now I don’t use the portable scanner anymore.

He told me that everyone has thoughts like this. I just hang on to them. He tried to find out what I thought would happen if I actually did put something in my pocket at the Container Store and tried to walk out with it, that the management would stop me and ask me to pay for it. I wouldn’t get arrested, the worst that would happen would be I wouldn’t allowed to shop there anymore. And he asked me what would be the benefit of stealing things and hiding them in my house. I couldn’t figure out the benefit of that, but he came up with a couple of lame benefits. I still don’t see the benefit of hiding things one would steal, I mean if I was going to steal things, which I’m still not certain that I’m not doing, I would want to use them. Isn’t that the purpose of stealing them?

And about his book – he said if I did ruin his book he would weigh that against the fact that I am a good client, my check is always the first one he gets when he sends out the bills, I’m never late, I never miss an appointment unless someone has died, my checks never bounce, etc. So what if I ruin his book?

I was getting the impression that he just wasn’t getting this. So I came right out and asked, “Why would I want to destroy your book?” He said, “Accidents happen.” I said, “It wouldn’t be an accident, I wanted to ruin your book.” He said that maybe it is because I have issues with him. I told him that I don’t have any issues with him. He said that perhaps in my subconscious I do. He knows that therapy is difficult for me. Perhaps I was angry because he loaned me the book and now I had homework, and it’s not a very interesting book and maybe I am mad. Maybe I think that therapy is supposed to be a collaborative effort and here he is giving me something to do on my own and maybe that is making me mad. Now, I have not felt any of those things. Maybe I do in my subconscious, I don’t know.

Then he brought up the matter that I disclosed to him at the last minute last week, this was also about bad thoughts that I had. But this was 15 to 20 years ago. He said he bets that if he asked 100 people, 85 of them would say they had those thoughts at one moment or another, and the other 15 probably had them but wouldn’t admit it. That’s very nice, but I didn’t have those thoughts at one moment or another, I had them all the time. For years.

I have to interject here. J talks a lot. A LOT. It’s because I don’t say much, because it is very difficult for me to talk in therapy. Which is ridiculous because that is the idea of therapy. I used to email him, but I don’t feel very comfortable with that anymore since the email debacle in August. So today we talked about toys for 5 minutes, I talked for about 10 minutes about the examples, and then he talked for the remaining 30 minutes. I know it is not his job to make me talk, but I wish he had some techniques to get me to talk more. But that isn’t his job, it’s my responsibility to say what I have to say.

Sometimes I find that he is talking and talking and he gets to something that I want to respond to, but it takes me a few minutes to formulate my response and by then he has moved onto something else.

An example of this is when J made the comment about 85 people having bad thoughts from time to time. I wanted to say, “I didn’t have them from time to time, I had them ALL the time.” I heard the words in my head and they were on their way to my mouth, but there is some sort of time delay and the words didn’t come out right away and then J had moved on to his next thought. Sigh.

Then J said that as I know he works with many substance abusers. Sometimes when they are in recovery they have dreams about using, and then they are worried that having a dream is just as bad as actually using. And he assures them that a dream is just a dream as long as it doesn’t lead to action. At this point I wanted to ask him if it is normal to have dreams and nightmares when I’m awake, because that is what happens to me. This happened last night, I had a waking nightmare that involved a car crash, and blood all over a highway and snow, and it was a highway that I had driven on yesterday and there was snow. But the words didn’t quite make it out again.

So J summarized the whole thing by saying that everyone has these thoughts, but everyone else just moves on from them and I hold on to them and use them to prove to myself that I am a bad person. Well, so I guess that’s it. He said he would like to continue this conversation and talk more about drives and impulses. As I was leaving he said that no one can control their thoughts.

The feeling I get from this, today anyway because my feelings change during the week as I process things, is that I am the same as everyone else. Everyone else has bad thoughts, and I just happen to be a person who makes a big deal out of them. I shouldn’t be wasting my time dwelling on these thoughts. It’s just anxiety, or my unconscious. And I’m wondering if he brought up the substance abusers as if to say to me, “hey, there are people out there with real problems, why are you wasting my time with imaginary thoughts?” I know he would never mean to do that to me, but if my subconscious could be angry with him for giving me a book to read, then couldn’t his subconscious be angry with me for wasting his time with trivial problems? If all of our subconsciouses are directing our behavior how do we know what is true and what isn’t?

I am left feeling stupid. I’ve been wasting my time being terrified of these bad thoughts for most of my life. J seems to be saying, “Everyone has them, why can’t I just be like all of the other people out there and forget about them?”

All of the things he said that were intended to make me feel better did not make me feel better. I’m trying to think of what he could have said or done that would have made me feel better. I don’t know if he is minimizing my problems (due to me not completely explaining them or because he truly feels they aren’t serious) or if I make too much out of things. I know I am over sensitive, and when violent thoughts blast through my mind they freak me out. I can’t help it, and maybe I just need to get over it. I am very confused right now. And my head is buzzing from the wellbutrin, and I don’t know what to think, and I’m completely emotional because I feel like I can’t get the help I need because I can’t even talk in therapy.

I called the pdoc at 4:31PM, but they close at 4:30, so I missed them. I’ll call again in the morning, I think I need some klonopin or something. I don’t want to have any more panic attacks, I don’t want to have thoughts about highways and car accidents and blood and garbage disposals and stealing and destroying people’s property. I don’t care if everyone else in the world has these thoughts, I don’t want to have them anymore. I have a stash of klonopin, but I don’t want to dip into it. I’ll get in touch with pdoc tomorrow and hopefully he’ll call me in a new rx.

Dec 15 2009

Therapy Recap 12/15/09

Went back to therapy today after a break due to J’s vacation. It was hard to be back. Lots of anxiety, didn’t know what to talk about, felt like I was starting all over again. J started with saying he thinks he sees some changes in me – I’m less critical of myself, less judgmental, as evidenced by the meatball episode. He brought up the situation with my husband and I told him how underwhelmed I felt about talking about that two weeks ago. I told him that I don’t feel any emotion when I’m there with him. He mentioned barriers and what do I think I’m protecting myself from. I told him I’m like the third little pig, all safe in my brick house. He said in one version of the three little pigs story the third pig lets the other two into his house when their houses got blown down by the big bad wolf. He wanted to know if my house had a door, and I said it does, but it’s locked. He asked if it has windows, and I said, no, no windows.

He thought maybe my protective house has been built as a response to the experience I had with my son’s therapist. He asked if we could talk about that a little. So we did, we went over how my son’s therapist, D, didn’t treat us well, promised things and never followed through, we’d show up for appointments and he wouldn’t be there, he didn’t return calls or emails, and in general crossed a lot of boundaries. Plus he criticized me. I couldn’t remember during the session exactly what D had said about me, but when I got home I looked it up. He said I was “standoffish and sarcastic” and when I asked him about this he said, “oh, and also argumentative and pessimistic.” He was actually very difficult to work with, and after doing some reading I have come to see that he has a very narcissistic personality. This therapy came to a bad end.

So, yes, perhaps my brick house has been built in response to how D treated us. But I think the house was built long, long before that. J asked if anyone has treated me like D did prior to that, and I said I had a relationship once a long time ago that was similar. But my parents did not treat me that way.

J says I compartmentalize, which sometimes is a good thing, but also can be bad. For example if a man is driving to work and ranting and raving about the traffic, he isn’t thinking that perhaps his anger is due to the fact that this is his last day of work because he was laid off. That things affect other things and if I know why I’m so protective it would help me to understand it. As far as I know I’ve been like this since I was a child, so I think it is just my personality, but I don’t know.

He asked me about the cutting, and when I last cut. I told him that I don’t really remember, but I think it was about 2 months ago. He asked me where on my cutting flowchart I would put a picture of me dissociating from my feelings, which totally confused me because my cutting is very emotionally charged, and is not a result of feeling numb like I know is the case for some self injurers. So I’m not sure about that, and I tried to explain that I only seem to not feel my feelings when I am in session with him, but maybe I do that in other situations also.

We talked about the wellbutrin and if I think it is helping, and I said I don’t think so yet, but I feel the side effects already.

Then he asked about the book he lent me, and how I liked it. I said I liked it. He wanted to know what I liked about it. I didn’t tell him that I hated having his book for three weeks. That every time I picked it up to read I couldn’t concentrate because of the stupid obsessive thoughts I got about spilling something on his book, or ripping up the book. I was so happy to give that book back to him today and I hope he never offers to lend me anything else. But I didn’t tell him any of that.

I did mention that I thought the concepts of Flow and Mindfulness are better suited to people who have more control over their thoughts than I do. I was so busy thinking about all of the horrible thoughts I have had over the past few weeks while I was working on being mindful that I wasn’t paying much attention to what he had to say about this. He did ask me about the thoughts and I wouldn’t really elaborate, so he said something about depressing and anxious thoughts. I wish that was all that they are.

It was approaching the end of the session and there was something I really wanted to tell him, something I’ve never told anyone because I was afraid I would be hospitalized or my children would be taken from me. I just feel badly that he thought I was making improvement and now I was telling him this very negative thing about myself. So I guess I looked really anxious and/or upset and he asked me if I felt ok. I said I was fine (as usual – I’m always fine!) but I wanted to tell him something. Then I paused and he said I could tell him or not. I said I wanted to tell him. So I did manage to tell him, it was really only one sentence. But it is something horrible about me and it’s a secret that I have carried around for over 19 years. It involves intrusive thoughts. After I told him I said I don’t want to talk about it, and anyway it’s time to go. As I was walking out the door he said, “This is more common than you might think.” I said, “I don’t think so” and I left.

And lately my intrusive thoughts have really been getting out of control. I’m not sure if it’s due to working on mindfulness – it seems when I try to clear my mind that is when bad thoughts pop in – or maybe the wellbutrin is too stimulating to my mind. I know I should talk to J about this, but when he started the session by saying he noticed positive changes in me I didn’t want to invalidate that by telling him that my thoughts are so bad that I think I’m going crazy. I know going crazy means having a psychotic episode, and I also know that is not what is happening to me because I know the thoughts are in my mind and not real. But I really don’t know if I will act on these thoughts, sometimes the urges are very strong. I just don’t know what is wrong with me, and it’s very scary. It’s even scarier telling someone about it.

It took about 15 minutes after the session ended for the emotions to come to the surface. And I’ve been holding back tears all day. Right now I’m focusing on the screen and the keyboard and trying to figure out what I’m going to do for the next 6 hours until it is time for bed. Something to do that doesn’t involve negative coping strategies. I feel pretty awful right now. I guess I’m not always fine.

Dec 13 2009

Flashbacks

Is it possible to have flashbacks of things that never actually happened? Or is that a symptom of being truly crazy? I’ve mentioned before my obsessive bad thoughts – these are quite vivid and I see pictures of them in my mind. Every once in a while one of these pictures will pop into my mind, seemingly out of nowhere, even if they are things I thought of years ago. And then I don’t feel well. I get an actual physiological reaction, like a sick stomach, spinning head, and a feeling like I need to get up and move around, as though something might jump out from underneath my skin. Plus the emotional reaction – fear, anxiety, etc. I don’t understand this, because none of these things has ever actually happened, they are just things my mind has made up. I think I may be crazier than I thought.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been thinking about the hotline and how I might be kind of pretty good at it. I’ve been getting good feedback, and the callers seem to feel a bit better at the end of the calls. I was even thinking about taking on a second shift, maybe every other week. But then today I started to cry while I was on the phone with a caller. She didn’t know I was crying of course, but still. Now I think I must suck at this, I’m getting too emotionally involved or something.

Dec 5 2009

Memories

The other day I read someone’s blog in which she was writing about memories she had of her father. Unfortunately they were memories of her father yelling, throwing things, and slamming doors. Unpleasant memories.

I am the mother equivalent of that father. Until my son was 9 and my daughter was 7 I was just like that. Screaming, yelling, throwing things, slamming doors. Once I slammed the door on my son’s foot and my husband had to take him to the doctor for an emergency visit because we thought he needed stitches. I don’t think about those days, purposely. I squelch those memories as best as I can.

But reading the blog brought them all back. Sure I can blame my horrible behavior on mental illness, after all it totally stopped when I went on zoloft nine years ago. But that is still no excuse. Looking back I can see that I had terrible anxiety, as well as horrible obsessive thoughts. It was somewhat of a struggle to get through the day and perhaps that made me irritable to the point of being a monster.

I feel like the most formative years of my children’s lives were ruined and who knows how this will affect them later in life. I know there is nothing I can do about it now, except perhaps to ask all new moms to get help if they feel at all like I did. There is help available and you will be doing your children a disservice if you don’t avail yourself of it.

Dec 1 2009

Therapy Recap 12/1/09

My husband did something very stupid. It’s unethical, immoral, and I thought it was illegal, but he tells me it’s not. He told me about this on Saturday, probably only because a lot of people know about it and he thought I might hear it from someone else. What he did has destroyed his social life, and severed friendships. It’s the result of an addiction, an addiction that I didn’t know he had. I don’t really feel comfortable saying much more about it here, but he realizes that he was wrong and he wants to change.

The first thing I wanted to do when I found out about this was to talk to someone. That is unusual for me, I don’t normally turn to others for this kind of thing. But since this was about my husband I didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone, because I didn’t want to spread the news. Yesterday when I went to work I said to the woman I work for, “I guess you heard about what my husband did.” I was under the impression that her husband knew more about my husband than he actually does. She said, “No, I haven’t heard anything.” Well, since I started the conversation I ended up telling her. I cried a little too, but she was very understanding and helpful actually. I was glad I told her.

Today when I went to therapy I was kind of relieved that I had something to talk about – my husband’s situation – although I really would have preferred that this situation didn’t exist. When I got to J’s office I sat down, and noticed a leaf on the carpet. I picked it up, and he said, “I noticed that leaf.” I threw it away, sat down, and said, “I feel better now.” He said it had been there since late yesterday afternoon. I half apologized for my obsessive nature, and we talked about that for awhile, what makes it obsessive, whether my tendencies interfere with my life, etc. Most times they don’t, but I do find that people make remarks about me and my obsessive nature, and these hurt me because I’m quite sensitive. J did make me feel like I am not so abnormal though.

Then I told him that I didn’t really like that last week he told me that my check is always the first one he receives after he sends out the bills. He said he was sorry, and then kind of reneged on the statement, saying that two or three other clients also send their checks in quickly. He asked me why I don’t want to be the first one to send in my check and I said, “Because I want to be like everyone else.” This led to a discussion of being “good enough”. I actually had a “good enough” situation last night, and I didn’t even realize it until I talked about with him today. He asked me when good enough would be good enough, and I said, “When you can get away with it.” He asked for an example and I told him that last night I was making spaghetti and meatballs for my kids for dinner, but I got home from work at 6PM and didn’t have time to make meatballs so I used premade ones from the freezer. My daughter thought they were OK, my husband even ate a couple without comment, but my son questioned me about them and said he didn’t like them. So I basically got away with it. J thought this was a positive step for me. Imagine – I’m proud of myself for using frozen premade meatballs.

Then J talked about an article he read in the paper this morning about “green showers” – how we shouldn’t use very hot water or take long showers. And he thought of me because I tend to be a “green” person. I told him this is why I don’t read the paper, I don’t need another thing to worry about. I said we hardly have any guilty pleasures left in life and I would like to enjoy my showers. He thought that was a good attitude, and a change from how I might have been a few months ago.

Then I asked if we could change the subject and I told him that my husband did something very bad. I told him the whole story, and he asked some questions, and we talked about some questions I could ask my husband, and a little about addictions.

But, you know, after looking forward to talking with him about this problem I can honestly say that I was totally underwhelmed by the whole experience. J didn’t do anything wrong, we had a nice talk about it, but I didn’t feel anything. Where’s that feeling of catharsis that I’ve heard so much about? I didn’t feel relieved, I didn’t feel guilty, I didn’t feel anything. I think I’m just the kind of person who doesn’t need to talk to other people about problems, who doesn’t feel better from talking about them, and who just works things out alone. Or maybe because I talked about this with someone else yesterday I didn’t need to talk about it again. J is going on vacation Friday, so I won’t see him again for two weeks. I’m glad we didn’t touch on anything too serious today.

Nov 30 2009

Being the Perfect Client

Last week at my therapy session, J, my psychologist, told me that when he sends out his bills at the end of the month, mine is always the first check he gets. We talked about that for awhile, how I want to be the perfect client, and I know I suck at the therapy part of therapy so I’m trying to be really good at the logistics part of therapy to make up for it. We talked about what it would be like if I didn’t drive the check to the post office the day I get the bill so that he’ll get my check the next day. I get paid on the last day of the month, so it makes sense that I would pay the bill then also, but I do agree that I am somewhat obsessive about getting it to him quickly.

However I’m not sure I like that he told me this. When I left last week I had conflicting feelings about it. At first I thought, “Wow, mine is first, I must be special.” Then I realized I don’t want to be special, I want to be like everyone else. And I don’t want to feel like I have to be the perfect client. I know what you’re thinking – just wait a day or two before you send in the check. But it’s not that simple. It’s never that simple, is it?

Nov 22 2009

Random Sunday Thoughts

Some random thoughts –

First, you must go visit my friend Aqua’s new blog. It is very interesting, and will be full of great insight and ideas, especially for those of us who are working on meditation or mindfulness, but not in the traditional sense. I had written about being a “kinesthetic meditator” because I need to be active in order to meditate – running, doing artwork, cooking, etc. I can really be in the present while I’m doing those types of activities. Aqua took this idea and is running with it, as they say. So go check it out.

Next, there is Thanksgiving. I’m not looking forward to this for a variety of reasons, one of which is the food issue. So I registered for a 10K the morning of Thanksgiving. That way I can burn off at least 600 calories before I even sit down to eat. That was my thinking, I didn’t sign up because it would be fun. Sigh.

And finally, speaking of food issues, I worked on a project yesterday and today. I used colored index cards and wrote one meal on each card, with its calorie count. Blue for breakfast, pink for lunch, purple for snacks, and white for dinner. I’ll put them into an index card box and each day I’ll pull cards for each meal. I’m doing this because I will have an easier time with shopping and meal planning and there will be less wasted food. It will also prevent me from grabbing junk on the run, or not having the healthy food I need in the house. I don’t think it is obsessive, did I hear someone say that? Oh, maybe it was just that darn little voice in the back of my head. How do I get that thing to shut up?

Aug 21 2009

Wow! I’m So Honored

The most amazing thing just happened. I was reading one of my favorite blogs – Bubble Wrapped, and I saw that I received the Honest Award.

honest award

Here’s the description: This award is bestowed on a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant. This award is about bloggers who post from their heart, who often put their heart on display as they write. There are three rules that need to be followed on accepting this award:

1. Brag about it.

2. Select seven blogs you find brilliant and link to them.

3. List 10 honest things about yourself.

So here we go. I am bragging to the world that I received the Honest Award for my blog. I am truly touched by this because I try to be totally honest in my writing on this blog. It’s the only place where I am completely and utterly honest, and I am humbled that people can see that and respect it and still actually like me!

2. Seven blogs that I find brilliant. The ones that e listed are in my list, as well as the ones Kim at Adventures in Wanting listed. So these seven are ones that have not yet been listed, I think.

Disjointed Thoughts
Imagine Namaste
November Blue
Pratfalls
Rachel’s Wide World of Lunacy
Take Up Your Bed and Walk
Vicarious Therapy

3. Ten honest things about myself.

a. I am 49 years old, and I don’t plan to become much older.
b. I hate emptying the dishwasher.
c. I am a perfectionist, but also lazy – a bad combination.
d. I feel passionately about things, but am also sensitive – also a bad combination.
e. I tend to be obsessive about things I’m passionate about.
f. I’m a people pleaser.
g. I am very creative, and have been since I was quite young. I love crafts, music, art, writing, photography, etc. My creative endeavors tend to come and go in phases.
h. I like to be alone.
i. I frequently have bad dreams about the ocean.
j. I wish I could meet my blogging friends. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if we were all in the same room together. Would we talk? Would we eat? Would we instinctively understand each other?

So there you have it. Thank you e, for bestowing this honor on me. I am really quite surprised by the whole thing, and of course, feel undeserving, but I am trying to accept your gift with gratitude and graciousness.

Aug 17 2009

I Did Well!

Had a good day on the hotline today! It was my first day actually talking to callers instead of just listening in. I was pretty nervous, butterflies in the stomach, etc. The volunteer I was working with took the first couple of calls, then it was my turn. My first caller wanted to know if we could remove his refrigerator from his home. I reminded him that he was calling the crisis hotline. Oops, he must have called the wrong number.

I got a couple of regulars, and at first they were confused because they didn’t get their usual volunteer, but it didn’t seem to bother them as they talked profusely for their full 20 minutes. I also got someone who needed referrals, and a few hang ups.

I actually thought I did well! The other volunteer said I did well, and that I didn’t seem anxious at all. I did hear myself in some of these callers. Like the woman who went on and on about a book that she wanted from the library, and it was causing her a lot of anxiety. Later in the conversation I mentioned her anxiety about the book and she said, “I don’t have any anxiety.” Ha! I know that feeling. Denial. Like when I go to see my therapist and talk about my obsessive thoughts and he talks about my OCD and I say, “I don’t have OCD!” Gotta love denial.

I’m in a better mood, can you tell? You all probably think I’m crazy. I have such irrational thinking sometimes, I really need to fix that. I know I can do this job. I can do it, right?

Aug 4 2009

Therapy Recap 8/4/09

When I walked in to my session today I got the usual question, “What are we talking about today?” I responded, “There are many things I can talk about, but it seems like it’s just rehashing the same old stuff. Can I ask you a question?” J said, “Sure.” I said, “You know my problems, well most of the them anyway. There are one or two more that we haven’t talked about, but it’s all related. So, when are you going to tell me what to do about them?”

J said, “I don’t like to tell people what to do.” I said, “It’s ok, I’m giving you permission.” He said, “Well, how do you want me to tell you what to do?” I said, “As quickly as possible.”

He said we should take one of my problems and see what we can do with it. So I chose my low self-esteem. He asked what techniques I’m already using to help in the self-esteem department, and I said that most of them are dysfunctional. After talking a bit I said that I don’t think about myself and how lousy I am every minute of the day, I do things that distract my thinking. Things like reading, laundry, cooking, working. J said, “Those aren’t distractions, those are life.” “Ok,” I said, “life is a distraction. From death.”

He asked me for a list of what I don’t like about myself, and I rattled off 20 or 30 things. J said those are all subjective, and I said I think I’m realistic. He asked what my friends would say they like about me and I couldn’t think of anything. He asked what my husband likes about me and I said, “I don’t nag him, I leave him alone, I do his laundry, I take care of the kids.” He asked what about when we’re just together, what does he like about me. I said, “I don’t know.” He asked if we have fun, and I said we went out to dinner Friday night with my daughter and her friend and we had fun. He asked if the friend had fun, and I said “Yes, but her father beats up her mother and drinks too much and comes to the house pounding on the door to come in and calls her on the phone to open the door and her mother tells her not to open the door. So her criteria for fun is low.” J said it must have been nice for her to go out with us and have fun, and I said, “I don’t know, maybe she got sad seeing a family like ours who doesn’t beat each other up, and knowing she can’t have this.” He said, “That is how you think, do you see how you can make yourself feel badly even though you did something good?”

Then he asked if I meditate and I said I do use mindfulness techniques every once in a while. He asked me what I do and I told him, I mainly do it in the car, listening to music and driving. I said, “Maybe I can be a bus driver!” He told me to do the mindfulness exercises more often. He said that my overthinking is a symptom of my anxiety and I tend to worry about the past and the future and I should live in the moment. At this point I started to feel minimized. I don’t like the fact that everything is made into “anxiety”. I don’t feel that anxiety is my main problem, I admit that I do have some anxiety, and he sees the worst of it, so that is probably why he thinks I’m a very anxious person. I don’t think my self esteem issues have anything to do with anxiety though.

He asked me what I want. I said, “I want to like myself.” He said I’m my worst critic and I’m very subjective. He talked about happiness and about how happiness isn’t always feeling like you got 100 on a test or beat a difficult opponent in tennis. It’s more a feeling of contentment and you can get that by being mindful and having gratitude. At this point I felt like I was in the audience of an Oprah Winfrey show. He said that the happiest people are those who are able to zoom in and zoom out like on a microscope. They see their lives, maybe they are having a bad day, but they can pull back and see the big picture.

I said, “But the big picture is awful too. People are starving, animals are being treated inhumanely on factory farms, journalists are being held hostage in Korea….” And he said, “But we are sitting here in this comfortable room with climate control and shades on the windows to control the light and we should be grateful for that.” And I said, “Doesn’t it make you feel guilty?” And J said, “Why?” I said, “I know the problems in the world aren’t your fault, but how can you feel good when there is so much bad stuff out there?” And he said he is grateful for what he has. Some people drive expensive cars, and some drive clunkers that they can barely afford to put gas in, and he is grateful for the car he has.

I said, “Most of the people in the world just go on about their merry way, doing whatever they want that makes them happy without any regard for their actions.” And J said, “I can’t treat everyone in the world, there are too many people.”

Then we talked a bit about body image and I told him that my husband says I’m fat in my head. I did concede that I am not fat anymore, but I could be thinner. He said, “What would happen if you were thinner?” I said, “I would be happier.” He said, “There are 92 pound anorexics who are not happy.” I said, “I don’t see how being thinner can NOT make me happier.” Then I told him that I was thinking this morning how easy things were when I was fat. I could eat whatever I wanted, I didn’t need to exercise all the time, and people never gave me compliments. Now I’m obsessive about eating and exercising and I can’t stand compliments. This just proved his point, that when I was fat I thought I would be happy if I was thin, and now that I’m not fat I look back and see that maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

He frequently asks, “So what if what you want to happen happens and then you’re still not happy?” I guess that makes me a total loser, right? I don’t think that is what he is getting at though. But I’m not sure what the right answer to that is.

So, I agree that I should practice mindfulness more often. It is not good to ruminate on bad thoughts, or things that happened in the past or might happen in the future. Mindfulness is good.

And I should be grateful for what I have. I have a lot, a great life, I can’t ask for anything more. I should make more of an effort to consciously think about what I am grateful for.

But I don’t see what this has to do with my feelings of unworthiness, disconnection, self-hatred, and inauthenticity.

And now that he’s given me the answer to how I get better, am I done? Is that it for therapy? Is that what I’ve spent a year waiting for? What is the alternative, to keep going in every week talking about the same problems over and over?

I’m really underwhelmed right now. I could have saved all of that time and money and bought a book from the self-help section. I’m also extremely saddened by this. I have a goal to feel better by May 2010, and before today I always had some hope in the back of my mind that this therapy would help me.

Now I don’t feel that hope.