Tag Archives: parenting

Dec 11 2012

Talking About The Mask

When I saw Art T today I showed her the mask and said I wasn’t sure if it was right, and of course she said there is no right or wrong. I told her it was creepy, the hair and the eyes. She said I could try to fix it and I said what if it gets worse. She said the cool thing about this is I could just cover it up with another layer. I said what if I keep trying to fix it and it stays bad or gets worse. At least if I don’t try to fix it I could have the hope that it can be fixed. She said that seems like a metaphor. I said yes it does. I said maybe that is why I stayed with J for so long. If I had left and found a therapist that was a better fit for me and I still didn’t get better then I would know I was broken. But staying with him always gave me hope that I could be fixed, just that he wasn’t right for me.

She asked what would make the hair better and I thought maybe brown straight ribbon or yarn, but I bought the curly ribbon because it was already curled and attached to little cardboard squares so I thought it wouldn’t be too hard to attach. She made a comment about how I picked the easy thing, and I said that saying I was looking for a shortcut was somewhat insulting because I spent a lot of time doing this thing, I had to find the materials and cut out all of the words and actually put it together. She said she didn’t mean to be insulting. I told her that J would sometimes say I was looking for a shortcut, and she said “Oh I hit a J sore spot”.

We decided I should take off the ribbons and make the mask bald, and it really did make it better. I also told her that there weren’t enough words for the front, and too many for the inside. We talked about the words on the outside and how that is how people see me.

So about being broken, she said people aren’t born that way. Then she was talking about trauma and I said that I didn’t experience any trauma, and she said she believes that I did. I said that she is watering down the meaning of the word trauma and she said there is Big T trauma and little t trauma, and told me about a study where people who had Big T trauma were compared with those with little t trauma later in life, and they seemed to have the same attachment pattern, which I am assuming is a bad attachment style. She said some of the little t trauma people were even worse because they couldn’t specifically put their finger on what caused their problems.

J was always trying to convince me that my mother is narcissistic, and now Art T is trying to convince me that I had trauma in my childhood, and I don’t think either is true. I know too many people who have experienced trauma, and what I had wasn’t trauma by any stretch of the imagination. Sure, maybe the family was a little messed up because of the illness of my dad and my sister, and maybe because I was different and ugly as a child I got made fun of, and no one ever really understood me, but that is not trauma.

Then we talked about being sensitive and I said how bad it is, but Art T said it is good, and told me that all of the things I’ve done to help people are because I am sensitive. I said being sensitive makes it easy to get hurt, and she said that is a downside. Then I said something about sensitive people getting hurt when they are bullied, and confident children wouldn’t let it bother them, and she said confident people don’t get bullied. Oh.

Art T spent some time reading the inside words and said some of them are things everyone would want – love, living life, connection. We talked about how I am always looking for something that seems missing, but I don’t know what it is. Maybe what I want is something I already have and that is why I can’t find it. I have a good life. She asked me if anyone sees the inside part of me and I said that sometimes people see parts, very few people. But I think maybe I should just accept things the way they are, and I think she said something about how she can see I am looking for something and I should try to find it. I think she said that.

Amazing was a word on the outside and she asked me if I do amazing things and I said I don’t, but people say I do. She asked what would be amazing and we had a talk about how what I consider amazing for other people isn’t amazing for me, like donating a kidney. She asked what would be amazing and I said it would be running in the street to save a child about to be hit by a car or something. J and I had this same discussion. I said that whenever anyone does anything amazing they never say they are amazing, they just say they are doing what anyone would do.

She said I have high expectations of myself, yes, I already know that. J and I had that discussion many times.

I said something about helping people and doing it because it makes me feel good and then I feel guilty. We talked about how doing things for other people intrinsically make us feel good and doesn’t take away from the good we are doing. She said that what would it be like if she felt guilty for everyone that she helped because it makes her feel good. Then something about doing things for others makes some people feel like they have power – doctors sometimes get that way.

Then we talked about happiness. It was getting confusing, I think sometimes an hour session is too long, it gets overwhelming. With J I only had 45 minutes, and it felt too short, but of course, he talked a lot. Art T talks too, but it is more back and forth talking, not me sitting there listening to her talk for minutes on end.

I said that no one can be happy with everything bad going on in the world, and if I have a moment of happiness I feel guilty. That only ignorant people can be happy. She got out the feelings paper to see other words that are like happy, and we talked about “being happy” vs a “feeling of happiness”. I said that when someone has a baby they would be very happy and they shouldn’t feel guilty about that. This whole part was too confusing. I can’t really remember it and I know I wasn’t thinking clearly.

I’m going to have to ask her to cut our sessions shorter, or talk about something less deep for the last 15 minutes, or maybe do art. As long as I don’t feel self conscious about the art it might be relaxing to draw or color for 15 minutes. I love to color in coloring books – that’s so stupid, isn’t it? I’m 52 years old.

It’s amazing to me how much we can talk about in an hour, without talking about my week at all. I never once mentioned anything I did this week, or anything about the stress I am under right now with my marriage and our finances falling apart. And that is fine with me, she is much more into talking about emotions, and deep things. Of course, I cried a little a couple of times. It wouldn’t be therapy with Art T without some tears.

Jul 24 2010

A Conversation With Myself

I saw someone write out a conversation with herself on her blog, but I can’t remember who’s blog it was. I am stealing the idea, if this came from you please let me know so I can credit you.

This was my conversation with my myself this week:

Me: I feel good that I was able help my son get through his blood test despite his fear.

Voice in my head (VIMH): Great, that’s what it takes for you to feel good about yourself, your son getting sick?

Me: Well, I don’t want him to be sick, but I thought I was helpful.

VIMH: You probably made it worse. You made such a big deal out of the whole thing, with the numbing cream, and the Xanax, and laying down…. He was probably freaking out because of you.

Me: Maybe….

VIMH: If K (my husband) had brought him it wouldn’t have been such a big deal and probably easier.

Me: But K didn’t know the right things to tell the doctor about the blood test, or to ask about the Xanax, or to order the lidocaine cream, or to call the lab to find out if it is ok to use it, or to ask the technician if A could lay down.

VIMH: Yeah, and those things probably embarrassed A so much.

Me: I was trying to be helpful.

VIMH: Why – so you could feel better about yourself, or so you could help your son?

Me: So I could help my son, but I did feel good about it.

VIMH: Even if you didn’t make it worse, it’s nothing to feel good about. It’s your job as a mother.

Me: I know, but some people don’t know how to do the job.

VIMH: And you think you do?

Me: I thought I know how to handle his anxiety. But maybe I did make it worse. Maybe K should have taken him.

VIMH: K never would have taken him and you know it. It’s not his job.

Me: Right, I’m in charge of that kind of stuff.

VIMH: So when it gets screwed up it’s all your fault. Like today when A wouldn’t go to the lab to have the x-ray.

Me: I know that I said the wrong thing when I told him that he should just try to drink the barium, and if he can’t do it we can leave.

VIMH: Exactly. That was totally the wrong thing to say, because it allowed him to think that this isn’t even important, that there is another test he can do. So why would he bother even doing this?

Me: Yes, I feel bad now. I feel bad for feeling good about myself when my son is sick, and maybe making his anxiety worse, and I feel bad for telling him to just try to drink the barium instead of insisting he do it.

VIMH: Good for you! You should feel bad about yourself. You suck at this.

Jun 17 2010

The Husband Continued

Another husband thing or two. This could go on for a few days, so if you stop reading my blog I’ll understand.

I talked to the landscaper today and he had very good explanations for why the charges were so high this year. We’ve been working with him for about 10 years and I trust him. I sent an email to my husband saying that the landscaper would be happy to talk to him and gave him his cell phone number. I also said that he would be happy to come give us an estimate next time before he does the work. I also told him that if he would like a new landscaping company he can call around and find one. Based on that, I think we’ll be sticking with the one we have now.

Then something unusual happened this evening. My husband brought in the mail. He never does that. If I don’t get it, it stays in the mailbox. When I get it, I divide it up. Junk goes in the recycling bin, my husband’s mail goes in his basket in the coat closet, my mail goes to my office. If the kids get mail I make piles on the counter.

When my husband got the mail he took his mail out of the pile and left the rest on the counter. Better than on the bed like some people’s husbands do (not mentioning any names). The rest of today’s mail consisted of junk, magazines for my son, and envelopes for my daughter. There was also a very large envelope addressed to “The Parents of xxxxxx (my daughter’s name)”. It is from her new university. He left that in the pile on the counter. As to further inform me that he does not consider himself a parent of her. What more proof do I need?

Jun 16 2010

The Husband

Here are two examples of things that happened this week that represent my husband and my roles in our marriage.

The first is in regard to our horse. We own a horse that my daughter rides and we have been trying to sell him since the winter. My daughter’s coach says the market is very bad, he can’t do lead changes, and he is hard to sell. We cut the selling price in half. The other day her coach sent me email asking me if we need a tax deduction because if we donate him we can get a tax deduction of $9000. So I forwarded the email to my husband and he said he would rather we sell the horse than donate him, and he asked me what the current selling price is. When I forwarded him the email, the coach’s email was right on it, and he could easily have responded directly to her. But no, he responded to me and expected me to relay this information on to her, which of course I did.

Then today he sends me an email saying he got the bill from our landscaping company and the spring clean up cost $986. His email to me said, “Just got the latest bill. They charged us $986 for spring cleanup on May 6. Let them know to not do any work other than mowing and we will get another service for next year.”

So I asked him if there was an email address on the bill, he said no. I went to their website, got the email address and copied his email to send to them. I later received an email from Paul, the landscaper, who explained the reasoning behind the cost, and I sent this to my husband, who responded, “I know there was more tree damage this year, but it still seemed very high.”

I really really wanted to tell my husband to deal with both of these situations himself instead of putting me in the middle. If he wants information, or if he is unhappy with a service, why do I have to be the messenger? Then I think, well, he works hard all day, he makes all the money, my work can’t compare, etc. But I also think, he spends time during his day on Stub Hub buying tickets to concerts and sporting events, he goes out to lunch every day, he buys books on ebay all the time, etc.

So I kind of tried to compromise in these two instances, but I really think I did end up being the mediator. I know that there are men out there who deal with certain household or parenting issues even though they work. I see the emails and phone calls my boss makes on behalf of his children and things that need to be done at his home. I shouldn’t compare my husband to anyone because he is his own person, but I wish he would step up to the plate. I did know what I was getting into when I married him though, it’s not like it’s a surprise. Well, the parenting part is, because he wasn’t a parent when I married him. But I knew he was not an assertive person and he didn’t like conflict.

All of these little things are now building up and annoying me more and more.

And the thing about the power point yesterday? I wasn’t really serious about that, OK?

Mar 16 2010

Therapy Recap 3/16/10

When I got to therapy today J said, “What are we talking about today?” I told him that he wasn’t playing fair, that last week I had two things to talk about, but he wanted to talk about my new job so we did. He said that we should talk about what I want to talk about, not what he wants to talk about and if I had something to talk about I should have said, “I don’t want to talk about xyz, I want to talk about abc.” I told him I can’t do that. He said that he invites me to do that. I said thank you for the invitation.

So he suggested that I talk about those two things from last week, and after hemming and hawing about it I did. First I mentioned the background check for my new job and how he asked me about that. He had asked two weeks ago what would happen if my new boss found something in my background, which I knew he wouldn’t since there was nothing to be found. But I knew that J was convicted of a crime and I wasn’t sure if he was asking about me or him. I told him that I knew about the crime and I never felt badly about knowing since it is public knowledge (in my state we can search on a particular website to see if anyone has committed a crime, or even if they are involved in anything court related like a divorce, or a speeding ticket). But I did feel bad after our session two weeks ago because I felt like I should have told him that I knew. And when he asked me about it I felt like he was asking me to tell him that I knew about his record. I told him that it certainly didn’t matter to me (it was 15 years ago and wasn’t a crime that would affect anything about therapy) and it was none of my business which is why I never told him that I knew.

He said that he didn’t mind me knowing, he knows it is public knowledge, it was a long time ago. He did say something interesting though, he said that because of that incident he chose this career path. I know that he was in pharmacy school, and maybe a person with a criminal record can’t become a pharmacist. But they can become a psychologist!

So we talked about that a little, and how maybe I felt guilty about knowing this information and how I felt he was testing me. He threw out a guess that maybe because I was worried about how he would react when he found out I saw another T, and maybe that was related. I’m not sure about that, but it’s an interesting theory.

Then I brought up the second issue, the topic of my son, and how when I went to see him 3 years ago about my son he helped me with a behavioral plan and we didn’t go into feelings at all, but this time when I wanted help with my son it was all about feelings and it turned into a big awful mess with me wanting to kill myself. He said things are different now and he can’t work on my problems without the feeling part. I still don’t get that though. So I asked him if I should see someone different specifically for my son’s problem, someone who is more objective. He went over to his computer to look up people and while he was doing that we talked more about it. He talked about me wanting someone to just tell me what to do about my son, and I said, yes, that is exactly what I want. While he was talking I just asked him, “Why can’t you do that?” So he threw out some suggestions and they were really good, and it turns out he really can do it, although he did try to get me to see that it is somewhat about the feelings as well.

I told him that when I was feeling really bad last month I called a hotline. That it wasn’t my hotline, and I wanted to see what it would be like to call them. I told him that the woman I talked to said something really good – that whatever I did in the last 19 years with my son doesn’t matter right now, that I should start from where I am right now. J said that he was watching Apollo 13 this weekend and there was a part of the movie with an explosion and everyone was arguing over who caused the explosion. Someone said it didn’t do any good to bicker over who caused it; they just needed to fix the damage and get back.

We talked about different things I could do with my son, and we went over the list I had made last month about things I do for my son, things that could be taken away or used as barters or bribes to get my son to do things. J said that if my son was 5 or 12 or 35 it would be much easier, but he is almost 20 and it’s a really difficult age. But he came up with a couple of things that could really work, and it gives me hope that maybe J can do this for me, and that I can do the things that he suggests.

I told him that I was afraid of slipping back into the way I felt last month after talking about my son, and he said we would just have to be careful. After acknowledging this, at one point he asked me, “So what makes you a good parent?” And I said, “I’m not necessarily a good parent. But I am not talking about that.” Hello? That is exactly the type of thing that sends me into a spiral down the rabbit hole. He said that was fine, but he just wanted to point out that I could have said that I give my kids three meals a day, and take them to activities, and make them go to school, etc. But instead my first reaction is that I am not a good parent. Yes, I know that. But I don’t want to go there right now.

So in the end I did talk about my two topics that I had ready for last week, and we did figure out a way for J to help me with my son, without talking too much about feelings for my sake, and with talking a little about feelings for his sake. It was good.

Feb 15 2010

I Called

I finally got up the nerve to make the call. I have my whole list of questions and my list of my issues. This was the psychologist that I found on my new insurance company’s list and I liked what she had written on her Psychology Today website bio. When I called I got the recording, “The number you have reached has been disconnected.” Crap. It took me two weeks to get up the nerve to call her. Well, it turns out that the phone number that the insurance company has listed for her is wrong, the phone number on the Psych Today website is correct. So I waited about an hour to get my nerve up again and I called again. This time she actually answered, which I wasn’t expecting. I thought she’d be with a patient and I’d leave a message – it was 3:15PM. I asked her if she was still accepting this particular insurance, which she is, but she said she only has one available time slot. I thought for sure this deal was dead, but it turns out the one available time slot is Tuesday at noon. I currently see J on Tuesday at 11. How fortuitous is that?

I told her that my current t doesn’t take my new insurance and she asked me how long I’ve been seeing him. I told her about a year and a half, and I guess she got suspicious. She said that the insurance company will pay for out of network providers if that is what I am concerned about. I told her that I have been having doubts about my work with my current t and this insurance change was the nudge I might need to set me on a different path. She asked me what kinds of doubts I was having in my work with him and I told her about how I am intimidated by him and how a recent trust issue arose. She asked if I talked to him about the intimidation and I said that yes, we have talked about it. As for the trust problem I said that I can’t seem to move past that.

She then asked me what my problems are (well, she didn’t quite word it like that obviously.) I ran through the whole list. I omitted self injury and suicidal ideation, but otherwise I laid it all out. She said she frequently works with others with similar issues. I asked her what type of therapy she does and she said she uses a variety of methods. She said she does some CBT but that is not the main method. She told me that her office is in her home and that she has a parrot, and for those clients who like animals the parrot can stay in the office during the session. Hell would freeze over before J would have a parrot in his office. He doesn’t even like to have toys in there.

I told her that I was looking for someone who was a little bit Carl Rogers, a little bit Carl Jung, a little bit existential, and some CBT for the day to day stuff. She said based on that we would work together well. She also said she does energy work, but I didn’t ask her to go into detail. I wonder if she means Reiki?

I made an appointment to see her next Tuesday. Tomorrow when I see J I’m going to tell him that I want to take a week off. I don’t want to make any commitments about anything right now – whether it be quitting, a long break, starting with someone new, etc. I just plan to go meet her, and ask her the rest of my questions. It’s going to be really important to me that she let me do some of my communicating in writing. Not necessarily email, I don’t mind bringing in what I write. But I refuse to read anything I write out loud. So if she doesn’t like writing or if she wants me to read to her, that won’t work for me.

I’m really very freaked out by all of this. The thought of starting from square one with a new person is terrifying. J knows everything, well almost, and it took me about a year and a half to get to this point with him. There are definitely things that bother me, but I can’t imagine any therapeutic team being perfect. No matter who I use I am sure there will be things that bother me, especially because I am so closed off. It is difficult for professionals to work with me because I don’t say what I need or if anything is wrong. I don’t know, maybe she’ll let me talk to the parrot and the parrot will pass along what I say to her.

I see J for my regular session tomorrow and as a result of our emails this week I suppose we’ll be talking about whether it will be beneficial to take a break. Based on his last email which he sent over the weekend he seems to think it would serve me better to continue. He said, “I wonder if not addressing issues causes them to persist because that dynamic seems to have taken place already. You continue to view yourself as an inadequate parent because of perceived shortcomings from the past. Here’s my psychologist bias but I think that one needs to work through or resolve issues in order to avoid repeating them. Will you feel better if you take a few weeks off from therapy? Or will you keep beating yourself up over those few weeks?” And then he said, “I can’t give you my opinion about taking a break – I don’t know whats best one way or the other. If you feel a break would help you, then I am fine with that.” It seems he did give me his opinion though.

He is always saying “I wonder” in his emails. What does that mean? I really doubt that he is actually wondering. I hate that phrase now. He has also used the term “perceived shortcomings” before when referring to my parenting. Why doesn’t he believe that I have shortcomings? To me this is perpetuating the quality that people seem to think I have that I am totally competent and good at everything. That’s the way I present myself, due to various underlying issues, but of course it isn’t true. Everyone has shortcomings, why is there this attitude of “Oh you’re a great parent, you did a great job. Any shortcomings you have are all in your imagination.” Why can’t it be, “OK, you made some mistakes, every parent makes mistakes, but it’s ok, we can move on from here and either fix things or do better in the future.”

I’m already in a stressed mood because I went to see pdoc today and we were talking about my son. He knows my son, because he used to be a patient there too. That discussion again caused old bad feelings and I’m really afraid of talking about it again with J tomorrow. I just don’t even know what to think about anything anymore.

Feb 3 2010

Therapy Recap 2/2/10

I started out by telling J that I was having some problems lately. I’m feeling really badly about myself, I’m cutting a lot and I’m thinking about dying a lot. He asked me a lot of questions about the cutting, because my latest cutting habits are a lot different from my usual pattern. So we talked about motivation, and how I feel during and after cutting, and if I feel that I’m cutting in order to be proactive. It has become kind of a habit lately, more so than as a way to relieve bad feelings. But I told him that I have to stop because a friend asked me to join her twice a week to work out with her. She has a trainer that comes to her house, and it sounded like a really good thing to do, and not too expensive since he’s splitting his fee with both of us. I met them for the first time this morning, and of course I had to wear long sleeves, and it was really hot. If I’m going to keep this up I’m going to have to switch to cooler workout shirts, which means no cutting on my arms.

Then he asked me what’s been going on to cause me to be feeling this way, and I told him that it started about six weeks ago or so and there have been some stressors in my life. He asked if they were “garden variety” stressors and said he didn’t mean to minimize them, but he just wanted to know if there was something else that was more major. There are a number of factors, and I did say that, but of course when I only have 45 minutes to cover everything I can only focus on one or two items. He knows about my weight issues and mentioned that I did tell him a couple of weeks ago that I had gained some weight. He said, “Was it five pounds?” I said, “NO, it was two pounds.” But that is garden variety stress.

There were a couple of things I could have picked as my major impetus for the negative feelings, but I decided to tell him about the situation with my son. I said that at the beginning of January I decided that I would set a goal for myself – by the end of the month I would do “something” about my son. (As a reminder, he is 19 years old, flunked out of college last May, has not gotten a job, doesn’t go to school, stays up all night and sleeps all day, spends all of his time on his computer and playing video games, and doesn’t drive.) So as the end of January was getting closer and closer I was getting more and more distraught and feeling like I was an incompetent parent. I kept thinking I should do “something” but I didn’t know what the “something” was. Lots of people are freely giving me their advice and opinions, despite the fact that I do not ask for their input, but I didn’t feel comfortable with any of these ideas.

As I was talking about my son I said to J, “Have you noticed I don’t use names? I just found out recently that people use names in therapy.” He said that’s normal, he doesn’t use names when he is talking to people who don’t know the names of those to whom he is referring. He said it’s not weird that I don’t use names, that in fact some people use so many names it’s like a soap opera. I told him about a woman that called the hotline the other day, and was using everyone’s names. And it turns out that her son goes to my daughter’s school, they are in the same grade, and all of the names she mentioned were people that I know. That was disconcerting.

We talked about how my parenting issues with my son cause me to feel badly about myself due to how I think I made so many mistakes with him. I asked him what I should do about the situation. I was thinking that this was good, I’ve never really asked him about a specific situation in the year and a half since I’ve been seeing him, so maybe I can actually get help with this. We talked about parental responsibilities and how I need to figure out what mine and my husband’s responsibility is at this point. He talked about how I need to discuss this with my husband, and I can write about it since I express myself more easily in writing.

Towards the end he asked how I was feeling about this. I told him that it seemed overwhelming and that my husband is basically useless in matters of this type. We talked about whether my husband considers this my responsibility and I said that no, he doesn’t, but I think I consider it my responsibility. He asked if my husband would be willing to join me in carrying out a plan, when and if we develop a plan, and I said that I thought he would as long as it doesn’t cause him any conflict.

So my “homework” is to figure out what my responsibility is for my son. He said I could email him, or bring it next week, or I don’t even have to do it (I supposed he doesn’t want me to feel pressured).

Thinking about my responsibility for my son is causing old bad feelings. I posted on my facebook asking for input in what a parent’s responsibility is for their adult teenage child, but didn’t get much feedback. I think it is definitely a gray area.

My son is capable of working, he doesn’t have any kind of disability that prevents him from doing so. J and I talked about theoretical things like charging him rent, or kicking him out. He said if we kick him out of the house we are making that decision, but if we charge him rent and he doesn’t pay it, he is making the decision to be kicked out. I said, “So then I don’t have to feel guilty?” And he said I didn’t need to feel guilty either way. That’s great in theory, but what parent doesn’t feel guilty about things like this?

I think it may be fairly easy for me to determine what a generic parent’s responsibility is for their generic adult child. But since I feel very strongly that I caused many of my son’s problems regarding his ability to function in the world, I think my responsibilities are different than the generic ones would be. Imagine that a parent was driving drunk with their child in the car, and got into an accident that left the child with permanent disabilities. I would think that parent would feel much more responsibility for the care of the child than a parent to whom this did not occur.

Now, this is a very extreme example, but sometimes it takes an extreme example to get people to understand what I’m talking about. In the past I have felt that J didn’t really get the extent that my actions, or non-actions, had on my son over his course of his childhood. So I don’t really feel very comfortable discussing this with him.

I felt conflicted when I left the session. J didn’t even acknowledge that I said I think of dying a lot, but I have heard of therapists who don’t discuss death and/or suicide with their patients. I don’t know why that is exactly, I’ll have to do some research.

But later on, I realized that perhaps he could really help me with this situation, that it is a tangible real life problem, unlike nebulous things like self esteem or body image. Maybe this will get me to feel more positive about my therapy.

But later on still, I realized that thinking about the homework assignment is bringing up painful feelings, and I’ll probably have to discuss those with him, and then we’ll be back to the nebulous issues again.

So I’m not sure where I stand now, but I do want to think about the homework, at least in regards to the responsibilities of a generic family. I’ll work on that first.

Dec 5 2009

Memories

The other day I read someone’s blog in which she was writing about memories she had of her father. Unfortunately they were memories of her father yelling, throwing things, and slamming doors. Unpleasant memories.

I am the mother equivalent of that father. Until my son was 9 and my daughter was 7 I was just like that. Screaming, yelling, throwing things, slamming doors. Once I slammed the door on my son’s foot and my husband had to take him to the doctor for an emergency visit because we thought he needed stitches. I don’t think about those days, purposely. I squelch those memories as best as I can.

But reading the blog brought them all back. Sure I can blame my horrible behavior on mental illness, after all it totally stopped when I went on zoloft nine years ago. But that is still no excuse. Looking back I can see that I had terrible anxiety, as well as horrible obsessive thoughts. It was somewhat of a struggle to get through the day and perhaps that made me irritable to the point of being a monster.

I feel like the most formative years of my children’s lives were ruined and who knows how this will affect them later in life. I know there is nothing I can do about it now, except perhaps to ask all new moms to get help if they feel at all like I did. There is help available and you will be doing your children a disservice if you don’t avail yourself of it.

Sep 24 2009

Parent Insight

Today is my mother’s birthday, so we spent the day together. We had lunch and walked around a fun historic city that is nearby. It was really hot and humid, but otherwise a nice day. It’s been 11 days since her husband passed away, and she has closed all of his accounts, arranged for his daughter to pick up his car, cancelled his insurances, notified all of his doctors and dentists, talked with her financial planner, and booked a cruise to Bermuda with seven of her single friends. And one wonders why I have such high expectations of myself? I can’t help but be intensely aware of everything she is saying and doing lately, and how these behaviors and comments have shaped my development when I was a child and young adult. Maybe it’s because I’m in therapy and am more self aware.

Here are some examples. My mother was telling me about my sister’s husband, and how he didn’t go to work one day last week. She thought he was very upset about the death of my mother’s husband (actually I think he just had a cold) and was too emotional to go to work. Her comment was, “He’s not like us.” She said the same thing about him 11 years ago when his and my sister’s son, my nephew, had a major surgery to reconstruct the bones of his skull. He was 11 months old at the time. We were all sitting in the waiting room of Children’s Hospital and the doctor came in towards the end of the surgery to tell us that the surgery is almost over and everything went fine. My brother-in-law started to cry. Later my mother said, “He’s not like us.” Meaning, we don’t expose our icky emotional feelings to the world. We hide them and move on to the next hurdle. No crying, no missing work, just move on.

Today my mother was telling me about my cousin. My cousin is going through a divorce, her husband got laid off and she had to get a job. I asked her what type of job my cousin got. Her response was, “I don’t know. She’s never known what she wants to do. She’s tried so many different things, who knows what kind of job she can get.” This was a bit personal for me, because I’ve never known what I want to do, I’ve tried so many different things, and I don’t have “real” job. The way she said it, with a degrading tone to her voice, made me wonder, “Does she think the same way about me?” Because my mother values hard work, commitment, nothing wishy washy.

My mother’s values have imprinted themselves on me. That’s a normal parental thing to do, we pass on our values to our children. It’s not good or bad, it’s just a part of parenting. A problem arises when a child’s personality is so different than the parent’s personality. Those values may not be in sync with the child’s personality. So how does one resolve that dilemma? Maybe that’s why I often feel torn inside. I have a need to show the world that I am capable, confident, competent, that nothing fazes me, that I can solve all of my problems on my own, that if something difficult comes up I deal with it and move on. But inside I know I’m not like that. I’m emotional, not always capable, have no confidence, everything shakes me up. If something difficult comes up I do deal with it and move on, but do I really move on? Or do things build up inside of me to the point where I engage in self destructive behavior?

May 26 2009

Therapy Recap 5/26/09

I had emailed J last week about the journal entry I wrote last year, and I told him he didn’t have to read it until today. When I got there today first I gave him that piece of crap book he recommended to me and he told me he never even read it. That’s the second time he’s done that to me. I told him about a great book I’m reading about shame, which I’ll write more about tomorrow, and the great blog I’ve been reading from where I got the name of the book.

J had printed out my email with the journal entry and we talked about that pretty much the whole time. The shame of being bad, etc. I told him that I thought shame was more than just being bad vs. good and he says he knows that. I don’t think he quite gets my shame, he seems to think it’s just because I don’t think I’m perfect at everything, and that’s not really it. It encompasses a lot more than just that. Or maybe that is it, but it covers a lot of different areas. We talked some about my parenting shame, and I don’t think I’ve successfully conveyed the extent of poor parenting I used on my son. I’m going to have to do a better job of describing that. Maybe I’ll print out that blog post about weighing the pennies.

We used recyling as an example of not being perfect since it was in the journal entry. I was telling J that I feel bad when I don’t recycle every single thing. I know my family throws some recyclables away, and I don’t fish them out of the trash to recycle them. Also sometimes I’m too lazy to walk in the next room with a piece of paper and I’ll put it in the trash.

J was saying if he is reading the newspaper in a coffee shop and there isn’t a recycling bin, he’ll throw it away. I asked, why? He said because there is no recycling bin. I said why don’t you just take it with you? He asked, take it where? I said, into your car, then into your garage, then into the recycling bin. He said, he just doesn’t.

He also has little plastic cups in his waiting room by the water cooler, and there is no recycling bin there, so the plastic cups just get thrown away and he doesn’t feel bad about that. I asked if that was normal – not feeling bad about that. I told him that I used to teach nursery school at a synagogue and there was no recycling there. I would bring everything home from the entire school with me (just plastics, not paper), and people would come down to my room with their plastic stuff and I would bring it all home and recycle it. I had to order an extra large bin from the county. I just couldn’t stand the fact that all that plastic was being thrown away. I asked him if it was weird that I did that. He said he is not the determiner of weird vs normal and if recycling is my pet peeve then it’s fine for me to do that. The problem is everything is my pet peeve!

We once again are in agreement that I am too harsh on myself and set expectations for myself that are too high. We keep coming to this conclusion – the problem is how do we change it?

Then it was time to go and I said, “I have been having some problems and we didn’t have time to talk about them.” He asked what kind of problems. I kind of answered….relationship things sort of. I said, they are not really problems, that’ s an exaggeration, to which he replied, “That is something typical of you to say.” He suggested since I am so good at writing my problems out that I should email him all of my problems. I said that it might be too long, and I didn’t want to bother him, etc etc….. And he assured for the millionth time that it’s not a bother, he wants me to email him. So I guess I will.

Then we had a discussion about how it’s my fault that we didn’t talk about my problems because I didn’t mention that I had something to talk about. He said it’s not someone’s fault. It is what it is. He said I probably don’t like that expression, and I don’t. I said, yes, it is what it is, but it could also be someone’s fault. If a patient comes in every week for 9 months and never has anything to talk about, why would he think that one day she would have something to talk about? And he said, he does think I have things to talk about.

So I’m going to send him an email describing my problems. Then he’ll really see what a bother I can be.