Tag Archives: relationships

Dec 21 2011

Therapy Recap 12/20/11

Me: So…

J: So, what are we talking about

Me: So….sometimes I wish…..well…I only want to talk about this for 5 minutes or so….I think it would be helpful to know…..more about your therapeutic techniques and what they are supposed to do. I know they are secret, and you don’t have to tell me all of them, but maybe when you are using one you can tell me what I am supposed to get from it.

J: They aren’t secret. And I don’t come up with therapeutic techniques ahead of time, I don’t see you coming and say “Oh, I’m going to use this technique on Harriet today.” (He said this a lot more nicely than it sounds typed out.)

Me: Well, sometimes we are in the middle of something, and I know you are doing something, but I’m not sure what, and then because of time limitations we end and I leave not knowing what just happened and what conclusion I was supposed to come to, and then it never comes up again.

J: I believe that if things are important they always come up again.

Me: I mean right away.

J: Just now I was at my computer and I saw your car pull in and I thought “I wonder how Harriet’s five dinners last week went” but I don’t bring that up because maybe you want to talk about something your sister did, for example.

(I am always a little freaked out that he can see me outside, but I can’t see into his office because of the way the blinds are tilted. I am also glad that he said he was wondering about my dinners because it means he remembered what I told him last week and he was curious about how it went. I think it might be hard for therapists because clients start something one week, and may not get back to it, and the therapist is left wondering what happened.)

J: Can you give me an example of when this happens?

Me: Yes, I certainly can. Last week we were talking about how my husband didn’t ask me about my appointment with the oncologist and that hurt my feelings, and you said maybe he was in a meeting, or had important things on his mind, and it was my fault because I didn’t worry enough about the appointment so he didn’t think it was important and I didn’t even call him after the appointment to tell him what happened. So I know you were trying to be unsupportive, like I feel other people in my life are sometimes, even though I know it’s because my expectations are too high, and you wanted to get me to react the way I react when other people aren’t being supportive, and how I react is not to say anything, so I didn’t say anything when you were being unsupportive and I don’t know how that could help me.

J: I don’t purposely play the part of other people in your life, and I don’t try to be unsupportive and I didn’t want you to think this was your fault.

Me: So it was just an accident? I thought you were being mean on purpose. I’m sure they had that class in school – Mean 101.

J: I think I missed that class.

Me: You weren’t really mean, I am exaggerating.

J: Trying to get you to react sounds awfully manipulative.

Me: Exactly, but I can kind of understand if that is what needs to be done.

J: (Blah blah blah, he lists my issues, we all know them) When you are thinking negatively about yourself I try to play devil’s advocate.

Me: Well when you tell me reasons people do things like my husband did, I understand it in my head but I still feel the feelings of being let down.

J: You could say that to me.

Me: I can’t say “What you are doing isn’t helping me”. I wouldn’t go to the doctor for knee pain and tell me he isn’t helping me when he takes my temperature. He is a professional and knows what he is doing.

J: (Something about how we are on this journey together….) Last week you did say to me right away that I was taking your husband’s side.

Me: Yes I did. But you continued on.

J: When you said that I knew that you weren’t in a place where you could hear logic (so why did he go on and on? I might be confusing this part of the conversation, but I do remember being confused right here.)

Me: And you couldn’t tell that I didn’t want to hear that stuff just then?

J: I don’t know. I think you could say something like “I understand what you are saying in my head, but I still feel my feelings.”

Me: Maybe instead of me having to say all of that we could have a code word.

J: Asparagus?

Me: Sure, and if we aren’t in a vegetable mood we could use banana.

J: Why do you think you still feel the feelings even though you get the point intellectually?

Me: Either I something or something (I gave two reasons that made sense, but for some reason I can’t remember them right now.)

J: Maybe it is because you shut down emotionally because it is difficult for you to be emotional here.

Me: That is true.

J: You are an intelligent woman, but I think you do a lot of thinking and not a lot of being.

Me: Yes, that is true, I am introspective and I analyze things in detail. I can’t change that I do that, but maybe I could change what I am thinking about.

J: Why might it be bad to overthink and analyze things?

Me: Because I come to conclusions that could be totally wrong and I am convinced of my beliefs.

J: (Telling me the story he has told me before about passing a test and thinking you are great, and failing a test and thinking it is the teacher’s fault. Or passing a test and saying it is easy and failing a test and saying you are a failure – which is me) It’s good to be somewhere in the middle. I know you think a lot about what we talk about during the week.

Me: Yes, you told me that you don’t know anyone who writes out their therapy sessions like I do, but there are plenty of people who do that, and even write out their thoughts about their sessions every day – you can look on the internet.

J: Yes, I’m sure there are.

Me: And maybe some of your clients do it and you just don’t know.

J: That could be true.

Me: I know most of your clients come in and talk about their week. How many talk about things like we are talking about right now? What percentage?

J: Maybe 10%. Why do you want to know how many?

Me: I want to know if I am normal.

J: There is no normal, everyone’s therapy is different.

Me: There are times when I do talk about things in my life, like when I had my medical issues. I don’t want to talk about therapy in therapy all the time, but I like to know what is happening. Are you getting away from psychodynamic therapy and more into cognitive behavioral?

J: (Squirming…a lot) It really depends on the person, if someone comes in for smoking cessation, or substance abuse then I do a lot of behavioral stuff with them. And for some people it gets mixed together. Your issues (and he lists them again) aren’t like a substance abuser’s issues.

Instead of 5 minutes, this went on for 30 minutes. I remember him saying something about his training, and something about projection (which I definitely can see), and the way he and I relate, etc.

Then I changed the subject and I told him that I had talked to two of the family therapists that he recommended and we are seeing one on Thursday and one next month. I am not crazy about the one on Thursday just based on our phone conversation, but I like the one we are meeting in January. We talked about why I picked them, and how I think it will go, and how I know it’s not just me that needs to click with the therapist, that there are three of us. The one I liked on the phone seems warm and fuzzy and nurturing, and I like that, but my husband probably wouldn’t. So we need to try out a few.

I brought up that going through my son’s old school records and psycho-educational testing and school meetings for his IEP brought back bad feelings, but we didn’t really talk about that.

I think this session was productive, I think I expressed how I feel about the therapy itself, and how maybe it could be better for me, and J was very cooperative and I felt connected. I think I should tell him to give me a warning when he is going to try to change my viewpoint like “I’m going to play devil’s advocate” or “Let’s see how we can look at this another way” rather than jump right in with “Well that person did this because of abc and you didn’t do xyz….” And maybe if I am not in the mood for devil’s advocate or looking at it another way I can say so right then. Which doesn’t mean he shouldn’t continue, because I know I have to do things and hear things in therapy which are difficult, but maybe if he knows I am feeling resistance we can incorporate that into the process.

Dec 6 2011

Therapy Recap 12/6/11

The beginning of the session didn’t go too well. Here is our conversation:

Me: So were you able to come up with any recommendations for me?
J: Recommendations for what?
Me: For someone you can refer my husband and son and I to.

J looked stricken.

J: I dropped the ball. I’m going to write it down right now (he gets up to write a note to himself)
Me: Don’t worry about it, I shouldn’t have asked you, I know you are busy, it’s all my fault.
J: You should definitely have asked me, this is part of my job, I do this all the time.
Me: Well, I should just stick to my 45 minutes and not ask you to do other things.
J: I’m sorry I forgot, it is actually very unprofessional of me. I’m embarrassed about forgetting it.
Me: I don’t want you to feel embarrassed. My son’s therapist used to do this to us all the time.
J: I don’t want to be in the same category with your son’s therapist. I will get you the names very soon.

Silence.

Me: So what do you want to talk about now?
J: How about how you are feeling disappointed that you asked me to do something and I forgot and it makes it seem like you walk out of the room and you are out of my mind and I totally forget about you.

I actually can’t remember what was said after that. I think he was implying that that scenario is not really what happens, but he didn’t actually say.

But we did get into other subjects. I told him that I did things over the weekend and I feel a little like a normal person. But I was planning on asking someone to lunch, however I never made the call. I told him that something is holding me back from picking up the phone. He asked me what was holding me back, and I said I thought maybe he could tell me. He said he can’t really do that but we can work together to figure it out. Then we talked more about the things I did on the weekend.

We got into how I would never ask most of my friends to do anything on the weekends because they are probably doing things with their spouses. I do have a couple of divorced friends and I could ask them to do things. J asked me what I think my friends are doing with their spouses on the weekends?

This led to a discussion of my marriage and how my husband and I don’t do things together. We went into some history of things we did together in the past, and how when the kids were at home they were our common interest, but there is no common interest anymore. Then J went into a whole thing about what I could say to my husband. At the end I said, “No I can’t say that.” Then we talked more about what I could say.

Then stuff about whether I think I have an average marriage and I deserve to have a partner who wants to connect with me. And he mentioned couples counseling a couple of times and if I have ever thought of it, which I have but I know my husband wouldn’t talk so what would be the point?

That was about it. But after I left I realized that this scene has been played out before with me and J. I tell him about a situation and he tells me what I should say. I used to just say ok and not do it, but now I tell him that I can’t say those things. I once told him that it’s not the words I have trouble with, it is saying them. I am not an idiot, I know what to say to people. My good friend does that too – “this is what you should say”. I don’t want people to tell me what to say.

About three hours after I left J emailed me with a list of therapists that he recommends. He didn’t forget this time. When I sent him a thank you response I also said this:

I thought of something after I left. When we were talking today about my marriage you were telling me things I could/should say to my husband. In the past I would have just said “ok” and not done it, at least now I’m telling you that I can’t do it. It’s not the words that are the problem, it is why I can’t say the words. I know we have talked about this before, but I guess not for a while. So maybe we can do therapy on why I can’t say the words, rather than on you telling me the words to say? Unless you think that is totally irrelevant, you are the expert. Can we talk about it next week? Thank you. Have a good week,

And he responded:

I hear you – that sounds like a good topic for next week.

I hope he does hear me. I think it all comes back to my fear of being hurt, not trusting people, not wanting to be vulnerable. Calling a friend, talking to my husband, it is all related. I think that is where the therapy part should be, not the words I should say.

I happened to look at J’s website this afternoon, and I noticed he made some changes (it’s one of those Psychology Today websites). He used to list just “psychodynamic” under orientation. Now it lists:

  • Cognitive Behavioral (CBT)
  • Eclectic
  • Family/Marital Therapy
  • Psychodynamic
  • Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT)

Hmmm. I do see that it is in alphabetical order, so I assume CBT shouldn’t really be at the top. But maybe he is getting away from psychodynamic into behavioral stuff. I do want to ask him about this also.

Nov 29 2011

Therapy Recap 11/29/11

I started out by asking J if he could recommend someone that my husband, son and I could see together, like a family therapist. My son is taking four online classes at the community college and we believe he is failing all of them. Something needs to change. J asked me how I convinced my husband to go along with this, and it wasn’t hard since nothing he has done has worked. I expressed my concern that I would be the only one talking and he said if the therapist is good that will not be a problem. We’ll see.

Then we talked about Thanksgiving, and I told him it was very good, no complaints, everyone was polite and civil. I told him that I volunteered at the annual Turkey Chase 10K in the morning, usually I run it, but I can’t run that far yet. We talked about how that experience was.

Then I asked him if he wanted to know what I did all weekend, and I told him I read all of my therapy summaries from my blog. I said it was good because I got to see the big picture, and I know he doesn’t like the big picture, but it is helpful to me. He denied not liking the big picture.

So I told him what I thought the three main conflicts that we have had:

1. He believes that people have value for what they do, and I believe that have value for who they are.
2. He likes me to talk about the day to day events vs the larger issues.
3. J likes to talk about concrete, detailed things vs abstract, theoretical ideas.

I told him the story about the experience I had at the beginning of therapy when I didn’t know what to talk about, and he would always tell me that I could talk about anything. But 9 months after I started I happened to tell him about a dinner I went to with some friends, and at the end of the session he said, “That was the first regular session we have had.”

I also told him that I thought he was happy when my cousin od’d and I had my medical issue, not because he wanted us to be sick, but because it gave me some day to day stuff to discuss.

He asked me what I could do about these differences, and I said I could either trust him that talking about day to day things will lead to change in the bigger things, or I could leave.

He didn’t get at all defensive about any of these, and he said that there doesn’t necessarily have to be such a big difference between the way I think and the way he thinks. It’s not so black and white.

He somewhat changed his story about what gives people value – now he says that it isn’t what people do, it is how they do it.

He did say that all of his other clients come in and talk about their week, or their day, or something that happened that week. Ugh – could you imagine listening to that all day? Do you think that is really true?

J asked me how I have changed and I told him that I don’t have self destructive behaviors, I am reconnecting with friends and exposing my vulnerability to them and am somewhat able to talk to my husband. I said that I presume these improvements are a result of therapy, but how would a person know? Of course, there is still the problem of my life.

Then we got into the “purpose of life” discussion, which I have to give him credit for, he kept it pretty abstract. This led to talking about my life, and how I had a purpose for 20 years, and now I don’t. We came up with a list of things we think people might say if asked what their purpose in life is. I said that maybe having a purpose in life is too lofty a goal, and I should just fill my life with things that I enjoy doing. We spent a lot of time talking about my job, which I think is just a job, I don’t have a career and J said it may not be creative or challenging, but my employers value me and rely on me, I have a lot of flexibility and I don’t have to sit in a cubicle all day. He said I should think about my worth to my employers.

I told him that I have been thinking that I need to plan more activities on the weekends, because I don’t usually do anything except household things. When I spent the day with my friend’s husband last week it was really fun. J asked me what I would do and I told him I haven’t thought of many things yet, but the movies is one thing, and I also want to take a drive to a little mountain that is not far from here to hike and have a picnic lunch, take some hikes along the river or maybe take a cooking class. I asked him if he thought it was good idea that I do things on the weekends and he said yes. He told me to spend some time during the week checking the paper and the internet to see what things might be happening on the weekends.

He talked about the AARP brochures that always show an older couple doing fun things – golfing together, walking on the beach holding hands, etc. He said it is purely a marketing technique, but the idea is that now that the kids are grown and gone, or somewhat gone, it is time to do fun things for oneself. I think it would be better if I had someone I could do the stuff with, but I don’t mind doing it alone.

J said he observed that it doesn’t take much for me to feel like something is enjoyable and gives me a connected feeling. For example, going out to lunch with friends, or volunteering at the race. He doesn’t mean that I am a simpleton, but that I get very engaged in things. He said he doesn’t know anybody who has written out summaries of their therapy sessions (maybe no one has ever told him), and that is an example of how engaged I get in the process. So it’s not like I need to discover the cure for cancer in order to have a full life.

At the end he said, “See, we didn’t even have a fight.” Yep, it was a good session. I liked the way that talking about a big picture abstract thing led to a more practical thing, rather than the other way around.

For anyone who doesn’t think they are good enough, not worthy, don’t like themselves and think others don’t like them either, I have a book to recommend. It is by Brene Brown and is called “The Gifts of Imperfection.” It’s good, I have read it before but I don’t think I was ready to really hear what she was saying then. I may be in that place now though. If you would like to see Brene in action watch this. If you go to about the 11 minute mark she talks about her therapy in trying to become more vulnerable.

I’m thinking of printing out one of my therapy summaries and giving it to J so he can see what I write. I told him that I could tell him everything he has said for the last three years. I would print out a good session of course, but I bet if we both wrote a summary of the same session our stories would be totally different. Irvin Yalom wrote a book like that, both he and his clients wrote about their sessions.

Nov 15 2011

Therapy Recap 11/15/11

I started right in by telling J that I was thinking about things we talked about last week (I didn’t tell him the session got me upset, and after reading my blog post about that session I can’t figure out why I did get upset). I sort of made a verbal bullet list for him:

• I went back and read my story about my medical situation, and I had written something about my husband, but I took it out

• I could never give my husband a formal thank you for his support during that time, and I can’t believe J even asked me to do that. I said that he may as well have told me to go out and get a million dollars and come back next week and let him know how it went.

• I saw my pdoc last week and I was in a bad mood and she doesn’t want me to go off of my wellbutrin and she told me I was better when I had cancer. She said if my relationship with my husband was better I would be happy and my life would be complete, and he says if I volunteer until I become a grandmother I would be happy and my life would be complete.

• I had a fight with my husband, but I think it worked out ok in the end

I thought that took about 10 minutes to go through, but it was probably more like 2 minutes.

Then I sat back and waited.

He asked me about my story for the writing class reunion, and did I take my husband out after we talked about it in the session last week. I told him that I had taken my husband out before last week’s session because I didn’t like that part of the story.

We talked about how I can’t thank my husband for his support, and he said does it make it a little easier for me maybe, because I know that my husband stepped slightly out of his comfort zone to offer his support. That maybe I could step a little out of my comfort zone. Then he gave a long analogy about two people flirting in a bar, and how it is like going up a ladder, one person says x and the other says y, and then they go to the next level, or perhaps they don’t say y they say q, and then it doesn’t go any farther…….

We moved on to my pdoc telling me I was better when I had cancer. I said that I don’t remember if she used the actual word “better”, but that was the impression I got. She might have said I was more engaged. We talked about how I had isolated myself and become disengaged from friends and family over the last couple of years, but it seemed to get better this year. I said that my cousin’s hospital stay from her overdose, and my medical situation were distractions from my life.

J told me something he had already told me, but I listened again. He said at one time in his practice he had 5 or 6 women who all had anxiety about things in their lives, but when a true disaster struck – illness, death of a spouse, etc – they were totally functional and in control. He told me that he was thinking about me before the session and how situations with me always come back to the same questions:

Am I good enough?
Do I have value?
Do people like me?
Do people love me?
Do I love myself?

Makes me sound pathetic.

He asked me if I had a “project” would I feel more engaged, valued, etc. I said that is what I have been trying to say for the last two years. When my children grew up and left home I lost my purpose in life. Maybe he finally understands this now?

He told me a story about someone who worked for six years on child safety seat laws. He asked me if some kind of activism would give me a purpose.

Then he asked if my relationship with my husband was better, would that satisfy my need for purpose? I said no, and he asked why not, and I said that I don’t want my sense of purpose to be dependent on other people. My husband could be gone in a second, just like my kids, and with them went my purpose. He said a purpose doesn’t have to be one thing, it can be multiple things….

We talked about the fight I had with my husband, and I told him the whole story. He never actually said that when I apologized, or when I told my husband what would be a good thing to say, was a good thing, so I don’t know what he really thought. He did ask if after all of that I felt more emotionally connected to my husband (was he really asking if we had sex?) I told him that, no, I did not feel more emotionally connected to my husband, we made up, and things went back to normal, like being roommates. Then I asked him what is an emotional connection anyway, and we talked about that for a while and he explained cognitive dissonance and I told him about when we were in New Orleans and I saw a guy with a hat from my hometown football team and we immediately bonded and talked about where we are from, and the teams we like, etc. I guess that is an emotional connection? Or it is cognitive dissonance.

I told him that I think my husband is clueless, but doesn’t mean to hurt me or be mean. J agreed. I told him that normally in a situation with my husband when it got to the part where he doesn’t say anything and walks out of the room, I stuff my feelings and stew about it, and after multiple times it builds up negative feelings. But this time I said something when he didn’t say anything and walked out of the room. As a matter of fact, the whole episode of the fight/make up was much different from how I usually behave. J asked me what I thought caused me to be different, and I said I don’t know. He suggested that perhaps it was because my husband has been more supportive to me lately, or perhaps it was because J told me last week to thank my husband for his support.

Then J asked me if I run with a gps watch so I can monitor the elevation, and how even though going up hill is difficult the fact that you know there will be a downhill soon makes it easier. And he compared that to a relationship, ups and downs, you know if you are in a difficult time, an easier time must be coming. Then he said something about “make up sex”, and I was surprised and I guess my face showed it, and he said he was using it as an example of ups and downs and there is even a term for the ups – make up sex.

I think that was about it. I left feeling ok, I didn’t feel as though I had left anything unsaid, I hate when that happens. Maybe J finally gets the “existential angst” I have been feeling and that he never wanted to talk about. He uses different wording – I need a “cause”. That’s not exactly right, but much closer than he was before.

One weird thing was that he brought up my cousin, and how I seemed engaged during the time I was taking care of her. The weird part is he called her by her name. I have never told J anyone’s name, I say “my husband”, “my aunt”, “my new boss”, “my old boss”, etc. But during the cousin in the hospital time I guess I let my guard down and called my cousin by her name. So when he talked about her he didn’t say “When your cousin was in the hospital”, he said “When Lori was in the hospital.” That kind of made me feel uncomfortable, and I’m not sure why. Maybe because he doesn’t even know her and he is calling her by her name. I know most people use names in therapy, I suppose as a way to be sure the therapist knows who is who. But how can a therapist remember everyone’s name? I’m surprised J even remembered that one name.

Oct 3 2011

A Conversation With My Husband

Him:  have you heard from your aunt?
Me:  no I emailed her but haven’t heard back and she hasn’t been on Facebook.  Have you heard from her?
Him:  no
Me:  it really hurt my feelings the other night when I was upset and crying about this and you laughed at me
Him:  I didn’t laugh!!
Me:  yes I was standing here and you were standing right there and you laughed.
Him:  I didn’t laugh
Me:  ok well I guess i’m making it all up
Him:  i’m sorry if I laughed but I don’t remember doing that

5 minutes later
Him:  i’m sorry I hurt your feelings, if I laughed I didn’t mean to.
Me:  thank you, I appreciate that

I feel better now.

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May 7 2011

Health Coach Recap 5/4/11

Wednesday night I met with the health coach for our first “real” session. She asked me if I had come up with any goals, and I told her that I had some ideas, but they were too all-encompasing, so she helped me narrow it down.

We had three categories: body, emotion, relationships. The first month my goals are to add strength training once per week, allow myself to eat without concern for one meal per week, and go out with friends or family for a meal one time per week.

These goals will increase each month (ie; two times per week, etc), and month two also has a goal of exercising one time per week just for fun – no watch, no worries about pace and distance.

Month three has a goal of only getting on the scale once per day.

She had me take a test with yes/no answers. There were 100 questions, divided into four areas – Environment, Well-Being, Money, and Relationships. I did worst in the relationship section. We used this test to choose another goal from each area. These goals are:

File the pile of papers that has been sitting on my desk for months
Get my nails done
Go out with my husband and ask him if we have an IRA or 401k retirement account
Download the relax phone app and use it for five minutes each morning
Breathe in and out through the nose ten times before eating
Eliminate distractions while eating and make meals last 15 minutes
Cook the Moo Shu vegetable recipe that she gave me

Filing, cooking and getting my nails done will be easy. Strength training for 15 minutes per week will be easy. Allowing myself to eat without concern could be difficult. I am going out to dinner with friends this week (for my birthday) and what I plan to do is order a salad with the dressing actually on it instead of on the side, and eat it. I talked to pdoc about this since I saw her Thursday and she said that sounds good, baby steps are the way to go.

I downloaded the phone app, but haven’t used it. I do the breathing before meals, and I have had two meals without distractions, but I can’t seem to make them last 15 minutes. That is a long time! It makes me crazy to sit there eating with nothing else to do. I can make it about 10 minutes.

Speaking of breathing, I almost had a little meltdown while I was with her. She was talking about breathing a lot, going on and on about it, and I have a problem with breathing. I don’t like to think about my breathing, this goes back to when I was a child. I have panic attacks when I think about my breathing. So the whole time she was talking I was trying not to listen, but this is difficult when she and I are the only ones in the room. Finally she said, “So let’s try the breathing.” And I said, “NO! I don’t want to.” She asked me why and I got a little teary and told her it’s just a thing of mine, and it goes way back. She was very kind and told me that I don’t need to talk about anything I don’t want to talk about, and I don’t have to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. Whew. She did get me to admit that it might be possible that one day I will try the breathing exercises. Anything is possible, right? And actually I have been doing the breathing before eating, so I hope she will like that.

OK, off to do my filing.

May 3 2011

The Holistic Health Coach

I met with the holistic health coach last night. At first I thought that she was talking to me on an elementary level, but as she got to know me and my level of knowledge she adjusted, which I really appreciated. I suppose she gets a variety of clients, some overweight, some underweight, some not concerned about weight, some with a great deal of knowledge about nutrition, some not so much, etc.

We talked about what I would like get out of this process, and after she explained her philosophy I was able to articulate some goals. She talked about the synergy between food, eating, spirituality, emotions, and one’s life in general. I started to talk about how my food issues are interfering with my relationships, I don’t see friends because I don’t want to go out to eat. People think I’m weird because I bring my own food, etc.

I also expressed my frustration about my age and not being able to take in many calories. She suggested the first thing I do is get a complete blood workup. So I will do that, as soon as I find a doctor. My doctor stopped taking insurance at the beginning of the year, and I have gotten a lot of referrals from friends, but none of these doctors are taking new patients. It is very frustrating.

I did not talk about my mental health issues, or my therapy or meds. I might in the future though, it’s just that I hardly know this woman. I did tell her that I gained a lot of weight on zoloft, and that is what started my difficulties with food. She asked how my moods are now, and I said they are fine. (Lie.)

I told her that I would like to eat a piece of pizza every now and then. Or some ice cream. How I am afraid to eat these things, and the reasons why. She explained about the 90/10 percentage of eating. 90% good stuff, 10% anything else. I told her that is scary to me, and she said that is fine. I asked her if she was going to tell me not to weigh myself three times a day, or write down everything I eat, or all of my exercise and time and distance. She said she would not tell me to stop doing those things, but I might want to stop on my own at some point as I get more comfortable with food.

So we worked out some general thoughts – body (weight, fitness, body fat, endurance) and emotional issues (attitudes toward food, relationships). I hired her for a three month period (it’s more expensive than therapy!), and I will meet with her every two weeks, with contact in between and lots of reading and handouts. She recommended a book called Women Food & God by Geneen Roth, so I might check it out.

Our first meeting will be tomorrow night.

I was afraid to tell my husband that I did this because I thought he would laugh at me. His first response was a chuckle, but I told him that she is going to help me eat more, and be able to eat pizza, and he got very serious and said he thought that would be good for me. He said he doesn’t understand why I can’t eat very much since I exercise a lot, and I told him I am going to see a doctor to be sure everything is normal. This does happen in middle age, so it could be perfectly normal, but it can’t hurt to get it checked out.

Maybe having a normal relationship with food with help me have a better relationship with my husband?

Apr 30 2011

A Lightbulb Moment

I was reading the psych central forums this morning and some comments in a particular thread caused a lightbulb to go off in my head (do you see me glowing?)

Here are some excerpts:


Someone once told me, “Since you have done a good job of establishing in your mind that T isn’t good enough, perhaps now you can get down to analyzing the deeper levels of your mind in her presence”.

Not only do I see that I’m responding by retreating, but also, even though I have blamed T for this and that and not-this and not-that…, I knew that she was truly just being regular ole T and she hadn’t become something else. So, that thought, fleeting though it wanted to be, and was… is what helped me look at my response and what triggers it – in me. Not what she is doing or not doing, saying or not saying, but what it is in me that is bringing forth a response.

I want to own my part but I think if I keep reacting and running and not talking about it when it happens, I won’t get to my part.

You DO have to tell t how you are reacting to these things and talk about it. if you don’t do that you don’t move forward and these awful things will just come up over and over and over and over and over and well you get it.

I can understand you find it hard to talk about the reactions while you’re there with her. but you do need to find a way to tell her next time you see her, or in between visits. telling her this stuff that you don’t want to tell her is exacty where healing lies.

The one part that particularly stands out for me is: what helped me look at my response and what triggers it – in me. Not what she is doing or not doing, saying or not saying, but what it is in me that is bringing forth a response.

So my t can say or do anything, he can tell me to go fuck myself basically. The therapy part is what my reaction is, and why I react that way, and how to change it. That really kind of sucks, but I guess that is how one gets to a place of healing, and confidence, and self esteem, and better relationships.

Does that sound right? And yet, how do I get t to understand that I don’t want to change my personality, I want to change how I feel about myself, how I relate to people, and how I react to people.

Feb 23 2011

Therapy Recap 2/22/11

Since I haven’t been writing in my blog, I must give a rundown of my week, otherwise the therapy recap won’t make sense. So my week in a nutshell:

Tuesday night: fight with daughter
Friday: grocery shopping trip with boss’s housekeeper (who is now my friend) – really fun
Friday night: daughter tells me she is sick with either mono or strep, she is 1000 miles away at school
Sunday morning: send mean email to boss
Sunday mid day: send email apologizing to boss
Sunday afternoon: cousin calls to tell me she has attempted suicide twice in the last two months and doesn’t know what to do
Monday: telephone to aunt to discuss situation with cousin

That’s about it.

I just started talking from the events on Friday until the events on Sunday. It went something like this:

“So, on Friday I went grocery shopping with my boss’s housekeeper. I really love her, we get along great and we have a lot of fun when we go shopping. We laughed a lot. Then we were pushing our carts back to the car and she said, ‘I’m so happy, just doing this.’ And I said that I was just thinking that too. But I felt really badly that I hadn’t said anything, that I never would say anything like that and I wish I could. Then Friday night my daughter called to tell me she was sick and I got anxious about that and I felt bad because we had had a fight Tuesday night and she said she felt sick all week and Sunday morning I sent my boss a mean email, and then I sent another one later apologizing, and he said ‘no problem’ then half an hour later he sent another saying ‘I’m sorry you have a sick child far away’ and then a couple of hours later my cousin called to say she tried to commit suicide twice in the last two months and she doesn’t know what to do and she talked for 50 minutes and she asked me if our aunt knew about my issues and I said she didn’t and my cousin said she was surprised because she thought my aunt and I were so close and I said we are, but I don’t talk about things like that, and then Monday I talked to my aunt and I told her that I don’t know how much help I can be to my cousin because I’m not in such a great place right now and my aunt said, ‘well you’ve never tried to kill yourself’ and ‘I know you have issues, but you’ve never been as bad off as cousin is’ and that made me feel bad because I have never opened up to her about my problems even though we are close, and that’s about it, why are you being so quiet?”

I looked at the clock, and only 10 minutes had gone by since I walked in, but it seemed like I was talking for at least 30 minutes. How did this happen?

J said that was good and he was being quiet because I was talking, now can we go back through the whole scenario and talk about emotions? So we did that.

I told him that I recently heard the term “emotionally unavailable” and I feel like that describes me. He asked me where I got that term from and I said it’s on google, mostly referring to men, but I think I have it. And these things that happened with people this week made me realize just how emotionally unavailable I am. Someone had once made a comment about my writing, saying, “She doesn’t put her feelings in her writing, so it’s kind of flat” and I remember this and thought it is probably true and also a sign of my “emotional unavailability.”

J took a different approach than what I thought though, in that he tried to convince me that I am not emotionally unavailable and I have high expectations of myself in this area, as in most others. He said when I was grocery shopping with my friend, that just because I didn’t come out and say “I’m so happy this is fun” it doesn’t mean I wasn’t emotionally there. I was laughing, and joking, and having fun and she could see this. I told him that is true, but I want to be able to express emotions. He said it’s easy when you are having fun, and people like to hear that you are having a good time with them.

Then he said something a little creepy. He said “I don’t mean to be crude, but [and I can’t remember exactly what went here, either he saw this on tv, or read about it, or someone asked him] how to talk dirty in bed, and the answer was ‘you just do’”. Hmmm….I don’t have a problem talking about sex at all, not that we ever have, but this just seemed a little off the wall to me. I think he could have used a different example, that’s all.

He said, so when you are having a good time you just tell the other person. There are no barriers. And I said, “Yes there are barriers!” He asked me what they are, and I told him they are the fact that I don’t trust anyone, and I don’t like to vulnerable. He explained that if I tell someone I am having a good time, or I am happy in their presence they are unlikely to say “Well, I’m not!” Even if they aren’t having such a great time, or aren’t so happy with me, it will likely make them feel good to know how I feel in that moment, so they will give a positive response.

He asked me more about the fight with my daughter, and I explained that, it really was just a typical teenager type thing, but I felt bad because we didn’t resolve it before we ended talking for the night, and then Friday she called to say she was sick. J asked me if I was upset about having fun with my friend that day because my daughter was sick, did I feel guilty about that? I told him I did not feel guilty about that, should I feel guilty about that, the reason I was sad about the friend thing is because I want to be able to express emotions like she did. And he restated that he really doesn’t think it is a problem that I didn’t say anything, because I was displaying emotion in a different way.

J asked me about the “mean” email, and I explained to him what had happened. My boss emailed me that he is having angst about becoming an empty nester, and that email just happened to come when my daughter was sick and my email back to him was all about “just you wait, it gets worse, wait until you have a long distance fight with your kid, and then they get sick and there isn’t anything you can do about it…..on and on.” And he replied “Thanks a lot.” I felt so ashamed of myself, I know I was triggered by his comment and it came at a bad time, but I wasn’t empathetic at all and basically I tried to one up him. But J said the fact that I sent an email apologizing, telling him that he caught me at a bad time and I shouldn’t have taken my anxiety out on him, and then my boss sent me back two emails, the first saying “no problem” then the second saying he was sorry my daughter is sick, was really good and we both expressed our feelings and worked it out. And I spend the whole day Sunday thinking he would fire me, but my boss moves past things really quickly, and when I saw him Monday the whole thing was forgotten. I told J that I suppose things worked out ok, but I felt that my boss and I kept missing each other, emotionally. (PS – my boss expresses emotions very freely, and to everyone he talks to).

I’m not sure we got to the suicidal cousin (PS – I went to see her last night, I wanted to make sure she is ok). J said something about getting my emotions out on my blog (not sure I do that according to some of my readers) and I said that I miss my blog. He asked me why I’m not writing in it (I didn’t remind him that we already spoke of this). I said it was because I thought I was using my blog as a replacement for talking to people in real life. He asked if I am now talking to people in real life, and I replied that I feel like I am talking more to him, and he agreed. He wanted to know if it is such a black and white thing, the writing. I told him that I do write occasionally, but about less important topics, like recipes, and it isn’t very satisfying. He asked if I set a time limit for not writing on the blog and I didn’t, and he said maybe soon I can go back to it. He asked when my writing group is meeting next, and I’m not sure, but I said I don’t write stories for the group that are anything like what I write on my blog anyway.

I think he tried to reassure me that things in the past week went better than I made them seem, and I told him that it seemed like it was one event after another showing my emotional unavailability and each time something happened it made me more sad. I believe I used the phrase “emotional unavailability overload” and he brought up the How To Talk Dirty In Bed For Dummies thing again, which was just as creepy the second time.

I’m a bit confused. I want to open up more to people, be able to express my feelings verbally. But J is making it seem like I don’t need to do that, that my expectations of myself are too high. Does he think I will never be capable of this? That I should just accept things the way they are? He knows my goal is to have better relationships with people and to connect more with people, and I thought to do that it would be good to be able to express myself emotionally and be more vulnerable and open with people. I have a lot of questions for him next week I suppose.

And another thing. I few times during the session I got teary eyed, and I think my voice got wavery or breaky once or twice, and J just continued on talking as though nothing was happening. Is that a normal t thing to do? I’m frankly not sure what t’s are supposed to do when a client gets emotional, or even cries (gasp). And I don’t even know what I would expect or want him to do. Say “Are you ok?” or “Why is xyz making you sad?” or ignore it, which is what he does. He just continues on with whatever he is saying. Which I guess is ok, not making a big deal out of anything, he knows I don’t like to draw attention to myself, which is pretty difficult to avoid in the therapy room when one is being stared at like a bug. I don’t know, just wondering what other t’s do.

Later in the day I checked the voter registration website for my state, because I was thinking of changing my political party to an independent one (I am currently registered for one of the two major parties), and I learned that anyone could enter anyone else’s name, zip code and birthdate and see the results which include their full name, address, polling location, and registered political party. So I entered J’s information, just for kicks, and, gulp….he is registered in the party that I am not. I won’t say which one of us is which, but they are the two major parties, and I didn’t like what I saw. It’s ridiculous, his political views have nothing to do with my therapy. Besides I should have known his views based on the cars he drives. Not that one’s choice of cars is a definite determinant of their political viewpoints, but sometimes it is. I was surprised, and I’m still trying to figure out why. Another interesting psychological puzzle.

Feb 15 2011

Therapy Recap 2/15/11

I’m not going into a lot of detail here, just bullet points of the main points of therapy today.

  • I started by telling J that I felt pretty good after I left last week, but then had the thoughts of him being bored, and what was therapeutic, and my insight on Friday, and figuring out what was therapeutic about last week and asking him how to tell the difference between a distorted belief and a real belief.
  • J saying that he thought about my perspective on the Wrestler a couple of days after my session when I was talking about it, and how he tried to see it from my point of view and had a different perspective on it now.
  • J asking me how I felt physically when I had my insights on Friday (I told him I have no idea) and if I felt it was freeing to talk so much last week (I said no, it produced a lot of anxiety for me.)
  • Discussion about whether what other people think about me is important (me saying yes, very important).
  • Me asking “how do I know if I am boring”, I can’t trust J to tell me the truth. He said later in the conversation that he doesn’t find me boring at all, but he knows his opinion doesn’t hold any weight with me because I am paying him.
  • I told him the story of my monthly writing group, the woman from that group that I spent a day with a few weeks ago, and the get together I planned last week for the people from my actual writing class.
  • Discussion about how I don’t open up to people, I prefer to get people to talk about themselves, I am sad because even when I have an opportunity I can’t say much about myself and I guess I appear closed off.
  • J telling me a good way to email the woman I spent the day with, and I actually did email her today after my session.
  • J telling me how to handle getting together with the people from my writing class again, they all said they want to, but no one is stepping up to the plate to plan another get together, and maybe they are waiting for me to do it again.
  • How the writing class get together went, and that someone emailed the next day that she had never met such interesting people in one place, and me thinking she must be talking about the other people there and not me.
  • I felt like I talked a fair amount today, about things I wanted to talk about, but J talked more than he did last week, which made me feel better. I told him he was very quiet last week and he said he doesn’t like to talk over people.
  • I have something I feel would be good to talk to him about, but I am very ashamed of this thing and have no idea how to go about talking about it. So I didn’t say anything today.