Tag Archives: self esteem

May 31 2011

Therapy Recap 5/31/11

J got a new couch. At first I just noticed the new pillows, then when I sat down I was looking at the couch and he told me he got a new one. Guess what color it is? Beige! I wonder if therapists go to a special store to buy beige couches?

We talked about the food issue again, and I told J that I was obsessing about food and exercise. I said that I know what I am doing is ridiculous, why do I need to weigh myself so much, why do I need to weigh myself before I go to bed? There isn’t anything I can do about it. I told him about how I have been reading about other people doing this “Intuitive Eating” thing, but I can’t trust my intuition. I went out with my son the other night, and I thought I wasn’t hungry, but then I thought maybe I am just convincing myself that I am not hungry. I can’t tell anything anymore, and I don’t know what a “normal” meal is. We talked about normal, and I said that apparently the “normal” American meal isn’t such a healthy choice. I asked him what was wrong with ordering a salad with grilled salmon with the dressing on the side, and he said there is nothing wrong with it.

I told him about how I have been thinking lately that women don’t ever talk about their weights. That I think every woman weighs 120 pounds, unless they are really little, then they weigh 110. But I see the women on the biggest loser who look great and weigh in the 150’s, and my cousin when she was in the hospital told the nurses that she weighed 150 and I thought that seemed way too high, she seems like a little thing to me, and a woman who’s blog I read who lost 100 pounds and reached her goal weight of 162 at Weight Watchers. I said it is really surprising to me that women who look good weigh more than 120 pounds. He asked me what would happen if I was at a place like Weight Watchers where you have to weigh yourself in public, and I set him straight about that! I told him that all weights are private, you step on the scale and the number is behind the counter and they write it in your booklet. Weight is a big secret in our society.

I told him about a restaurant I went to for lunch a couple of weeks ago and I was looking at what everyone was eating. Every woman was eating a salad with the dressing on the side, and every man was eating a burger, fries, crabcake sandwiches, etc. He asked me if the women were thin and the men were portly, and I said I didn’t even notice their body types, just what they were eating. Can’t women eat burgers and fries? I can’t – that would be my whole calorie allowance for the day and I wouldn’t be able to eat anything else.

J asked if I could go a day without weighing myself, and I said that I did that once last year, and I didn’t eat much all day because I knew I couldn’t weigh myself the next day, so I had to be careful. Logically I know that is ridiculous. I should just eat the way I eat, the scale doesn’t affect anything.

We talked about how my mood for the day depends on the number on the scale. I said, how else can I judge myself each day if not using weight? He said I don’t need to be judging myself first of all, and how about using different criteria – how I am as a person for example.

Somehow we got onto the subject of if I can relax at the beach, and I said I could. J asked if I could sit on the beach and think my life is good. I asked him if that is his definition of relaxing, because if it is, then, no, I cannot relax. We got back onto the subject of my life not being good, and he asked me again, for the millionth time, about the things that are good and not good. The not good things are the relationship with my husband, my lack of a career, my self esteem issues and never feeling good enough. The good things are my health, my family’s health, my friends, security, living in a safe place, etc.

He asked what would make it better, and I said if I lost 20 pounds right now I would feel better. Of course I know that is ridiculous, and we did talk about what would happen if I lost 4 more pounds, would I want to lose 2 more pounds, and then 2 more after that. I said that if my marriage either gets better or ends, life would be better than it is now. As for the career, I don’t know what I can do about that.

We talked about my dinner with my husband last weekend and how I ate a regular meal, and asked him the question I was supposed to ask. I told J that my husband seemed happy when I told him about the health coach telling me I should go out for a real meal, and that when I asked him about the retirement plan he answered me and answered both of my questions. J said that he was surprised, because based on what I have told him he didn’t think my husband would want to go out with me in the first place, and wouldn’t want to talk about finances. He asked me if I think my husband likes me, and I said that I think he does, and I like him.

J wanted me to ask my husband some more about the retirement details, and I said I don’t really worry about it because I don’t really plan to live that long. He asked me if I plan to die by suicide, and I said I don’t know, maybe. But I told him not to worry, I don’t plan on doing anything today. I really didn’t want to get into the whole thing about getting sick, getting old, etc. That is another can of worms that I couldn’t deal with opening today.

Now J wants me to go out for another regular meal with my husband and talk to him about how I am dissatisfied with my lack of a career and accomplishments. I expressed doubt that my husband would be much interested in this topic, but I said that I would do it, just so I could tell J how my husband reacts.

He asked what would make my marriage better and I said that if we had anything in common, if we liked to do things together, if he listens to me and remembers what I say, if he doesn’t walk out of the room when I am in the middle of telling him something, that would make it better. J said it is like my husband and I have parallel lives, which is true.

Towards the end of the session I got the feeling that J was getting frustrated with me. He was talking about something about how I use the eating and exercising to keep myself in this limbo of never being good enough, and when he paused I said, “Are you mad at me?” He said no, and I said, “Why are you sitting like that?” He had his legs crossed and his arms crossed, and he never sits like that. He said some bullshit thing about being cold, which is ridiculous, because I am always the one who is cold, and I was not cold, I was actually a bit warm probably due to it being 95 degrees out, and he never turns the a/c way down because he knows I get cold.

I guess I am frustrating to him, because I see everything intellectually, but I can’t behave the way my mind is telling me I should. I didn’t really think much about the session this afternoon, but this evening I am feeling down. I am watching the documentary “How To Die In Oregon”, about terminally ill people in Oregon who choose assisted suicide to end their lives. Oregon was the first state to legalize this (there are only two others). It is very sad that there are people out there who are dying and they don’t want to die. And I was reading a clothing catalog from Athleta, full of young, toned, thin women playing beach volleyball in bikinis and doing headstands in halter tops, and it just made me feel kind of sick. I know it seems vain, to not want to get old or sick, to have the body I had 20 years ago. But I think it is more than that.

I read an article in the newspaper this weekend about middle aged women and how their lives are better than they were when they were younger because they have self confidence and so many accomplishments. I wish I could be one of those, but instead my confidence gets worse and worse as I get older. Maybe because I don’t have those accomplishments, and I don’t have much purpose. I’m just down right now. Sometimes I hate therapy.

Apr 30 2011

A Lightbulb Moment

I was reading the psych central forums this morning and some comments in a particular thread caused a lightbulb to go off in my head (do you see me glowing?)

Here are some excerpts:


Someone once told me, “Since you have done a good job of establishing in your mind that T isn’t good enough, perhaps now you can get down to analyzing the deeper levels of your mind in her presence”.

Not only do I see that I’m responding by retreating, but also, even though I have blamed T for this and that and not-this and not-that…, I knew that she was truly just being regular ole T and she hadn’t become something else. So, that thought, fleeting though it wanted to be, and was… is what helped me look at my response and what triggers it – in me. Not what she is doing or not doing, saying or not saying, but what it is in me that is bringing forth a response.

I want to own my part but I think if I keep reacting and running and not talking about it when it happens, I won’t get to my part.

You DO have to tell t how you are reacting to these things and talk about it. if you don’t do that you don’t move forward and these awful things will just come up over and over and over and over and over and well you get it.

I can understand you find it hard to talk about the reactions while you’re there with her. but you do need to find a way to tell her next time you see her, or in between visits. telling her this stuff that you don’t want to tell her is exacty where healing lies.

The one part that particularly stands out for me is: what helped me look at my response and what triggers it – in me. Not what she is doing or not doing, saying or not saying, but what it is in me that is bringing forth a response.

So my t can say or do anything, he can tell me to go fuck myself basically. The therapy part is what my reaction is, and why I react that way, and how to change it. That really kind of sucks, but I guess that is how one gets to a place of healing, and confidence, and self esteem, and better relationships.

Does that sound right? And yet, how do I get t to understand that I don’t want to change my personality, I want to change how I feel about myself, how I relate to people, and how I react to people.

Apr 27 2011

A Letter To My Therapist

Dear T,

I am wondering if you have been trying to make me angry during these last two sessions. I thought things were going well with us for the past couple of months, and I think that was due in part to the fact that I stopped writing in my blog, and also because I was focusing on day to day things.

But when I try to talk about larger issues, things fall apart. I feel misunderstood, minimized, and like we are on different wavelengths, despite feeling understood and like you are helping me when we talk about the smaller things. At our session two weeks ago I brought up that I was concerned that this time last year was very bad for me, and I want to avoid that happening this year. You asked if I can avoid or get past bad feelings by thinking about the future, thinking about how I will feel one hour from now, or one day, or one week. I told you that I don’t think about the future and I have no idea how I will feel in the future. You said that one day you woke up and felt very tired, but you thought to yourself that if you have some coffee you will feel better in a couple of hours. I commented that it’s not a very comparison to suicidal thoughts.

I have talked previously about how I don’t see anything for myself in the future. I can’t picture it, I don’t want to think about it, because it will just be more of the same, life as it is right now or worse, getting old and sick and more and more alone. So I don’t see how thinking about the future will ever make me feel anything but worse. I thought it would be better to talk about concrete ways to avoid a repeat of last year, some things I have come up with on my own, as we talked about last week. I stopped drinking so much, started running again, etc. I think real actions that I could take would work better for me than thinking about how I will feel in the future, and I felt misunderstood because I have told you before that I don’t see anything positive in my future.

This week I talked about how I don’t see any difference in myself or my life from a year ago at this time. You mentioned that you do see a change in me, that I am not so introspective anymore. I am confused about that, because I don’t see what is wrong with being introspective, and you have never mentioned before that it is a characteristic of myself that I should try to change. I would think that introspection would be a good quality, particularly when one is in therapy. Is the therapy just supposed to happen in one 45 minute block of time per week? I wish there was a more positive change, for example, being with and having fun with my friends again, feeling better about myself, having a better relationship with my husband and children.

Then we talked about what makes life worth living, and you told me that it is the little things that happen on a daily basis. That I need to be mindful and have gratitude and stop to smell the roses. Personally I think I do stop to smell the roses. There are lots of things in life that give me a good feeling – seeing the geese being born on the towpath, beautiful movies and music, or the change of seasons. I told you that I was looking at the bigger picture, and you said that is my problem, looking at the bigger picture and not seeing the details.

I feel that you are trying to convince me that I should think like you do. But this won’t work, because we think differently and because our lives are so different. It seems as though it would be easy to be happy with haircuts, and tulips and puzzle apps on the phone, when the rest of your life is fulfilling. You seem to have a gratifying career helping people, great relationships with your wife and friends, financial security, and you are healthy, young, fit, good looking. With a life like that a hair cut or a warm day is just icing on the cake.

As for mindfulness, sure I am mindful. When my husband comes home from work I am mindful of the fact that we haven’t done anything together for weeks. When I am at work doing menial chores like filing and picking up bananas at the grocery store I am mindful that I have never made anything of myself professionaly. When I see my son sitting in his messy room, unshowered, playing video games, I am mindful of the mistakes I made raising him.

I am grateful for many things in my life and I think about them every day. I live in a comfortable home in a safe neighborhood, I drive a safe and environmentally friendly car, my children are healthy, I have good friends who care about me, and lots of other things. But as I said, I guess my expectations are too high. I’m too idealistic I suppose.

When I compare my life with yours I know I can never measure up. I know this is my distorted thinking, but I imagine you laughing at me in your head. I told you that I started running and biking, and you are probably thinking “What kind of running and biking can an old, fat woman like her do?” And I feel like you are always trying to one up me, even when you don’t intend to. I started riding my bike this week, and I felt pretty good about it. But when I pulled into your office parking lot yesterday, what did I see on top of your car? A high performance road bike. Yeah, I peddle along on my dopey little bike on dirt trails, while you crank out 40 or 50 miles on the highway between clients.

I know you swim, and that you ran in a race not long ago, and had a great race time despite never having run before, and now you are biking. I guess you are training for a triathlon. Want to hear something crazy? A couple of years ago I had the idea of doing a triathlon, a sprint triathlon of course, because I thought it would be a good thing to do when I turned 50. But I never did it, because I thought I couldn’t. And now you are training for what is probably an Ironman Triathlon. If I even brought up the idea of doing a triathlon myself you would most likely laugh your head off.

Another thing I don’t understand at all, is that when I mentioned that I feel it is important to always be growing as a person you said, “That’s fine if you are 6 years old.” I felt so dismissed, as though what I had said was beyond ridiculous. But I do really believe that, for me at least, growing and learning is important. Learning new things, becoming a better person, whatever. And you reduced that to an old lady in a nursing home playing sudoku. I have no intention of getting a PhD, but what if I wanted to? Why couldn’t I? Why do I have to play sudoku?

I know I am being triggered by the same things my mother used to do to me. Even now, I am a grown adult, and she criticizes me for the way I am dealing with my children. I immediately get that feeling of being a failure. I’m wondering if you are doing this to me on purpose, if it is some kind of therapeutic technique, to get me to feel like I do when my mother does this to me. Or if you really feel that I will never be good enough, that I will never measure up to you, and my life will never be as satisfying as yours is.

I wonder if that is why you brought up the story about the hole in the plane. That you were purposely scaring me to prove that I am really not as fearless about flying as I thought I was.

Someone told me that I shouldn’t ruminate on this until the next time I see you. That is the purpose of writing all of this out, even though I have been avoiding writing so that I can actually talk. But hopefully by emptying my head on paper I won’t have to think about it until next Tuesday, and I can enjoy little things like seeing the baby geese.

Feb 15 2011

Therapy Recap 2/15/11

I’m not going into a lot of detail here, just bullet points of the main points of therapy today.

  • I started by telling J that I felt pretty good after I left last week, but then had the thoughts of him being bored, and what was therapeutic, and my insight on Friday, and figuring out what was therapeutic about last week and asking him how to tell the difference between a distorted belief and a real belief.
  • J saying that he thought about my perspective on the Wrestler a couple of days after my session when I was talking about it, and how he tried to see it from my point of view and had a different perspective on it now.
  • J asking me how I felt physically when I had my insights on Friday (I told him I have no idea) and if I felt it was freeing to talk so much last week (I said no, it produced a lot of anxiety for me.)
  • Discussion about whether what other people think about me is important (me saying yes, very important).
  • Me asking “how do I know if I am boring”, I can’t trust J to tell me the truth. He said later in the conversation that he doesn’t find me boring at all, but he knows his opinion doesn’t hold any weight with me because I am paying him.
  • I told him the story of my monthly writing group, the woman from that group that I spent a day with a few weeks ago, and the get together I planned last week for the people from my actual writing class.
  • Discussion about how I don’t open up to people, I prefer to get people to talk about themselves, I am sad because even when I have an opportunity I can’t say much about myself and I guess I appear closed off.
  • J telling me a good way to email the woman I spent the day with, and I actually did email her today after my session.
  • J telling me how to handle getting together with the people from my writing class again, they all said they want to, but no one is stepping up to the plate to plan another get together, and maybe they are waiting for me to do it again.
  • How the writing class get together went, and that someone emailed the next day that she had never met such interesting people in one place, and me thinking she must be talking about the other people there and not me.
  • I felt like I talked a fair amount today, about things I wanted to talk about, but J talked more than he did last week, which made me feel better. I told him he was very quiet last week and he said he doesn’t like to talk over people.
  • I have something I feel would be good to talk to him about, but I am very ashamed of this thing and have no idea how to go about talking about it. So I didn’t say anything today.
Nov 16 2010

Therapy Recap 11/16/10

Wow, what a day. I left home at 8:15am to see my orthopedist, and didn’t get home from work until 8:15pm. I have so much to do. I just finished making my finger food (it’s not really made out of fingers) for the reunion tomorrow night, but I don’t think I’m done with my story yet, I still have some revisions to do on it.

So therapy was ok I guess. I thanked J for the voice mail he left, and said it was nice of him to say such nice things about me. We talked about whether or not I believe what he said, and I told him that I believe that he believes it. I said, “Yep, I pulled the wool over another person’s eyes, aren’t I clever!” I told him that I do agree with some of the things he said, for example that the people I work for value me. There are things that they either cannot do, or don’t have time to do and I can do those things. But these are menial things – getting stamps at the post office, making up a chart in Excel. Anyone can do them if they had time or learned, and regardless, these have nothing to do with me as a person.

We got into one of the discussions we have had many times in the past – is a person valuable because of what they do, or who they are? I don’t think our abilities should determine our value. I asked him if there is a disabled person who can’t work – are they worthless? He was telling me about a war veteran he was reading about in the paper who had all of his limbs amputated. And this person has a lot of character and perseverance, and he has value. Well, that is what I am getting at, “Hello!!!!” He asked me what is the criteria for being a good person, and I thought about it for awhile and said that I don’t really know what the criteria is, and maybe that is why I don’t know if I’ve reached that level.

Then I told him that he was wrong about my family, they do not value me. And this is not my opinion, it is true. I talked about my father and how he valued me. He was proud of my accomplishments, but he would have thought so highly of me even if I wasn’t high achieving. I added, “Well, he was kind of clueless, but it was nice at the time.” I told him how my mother doesn’t think anything I do is good enough, but her second husband was “very impressed by me.” That is what she used to say all the time. She would call me and say, “Husband #2 is so impressed by you.” She would sound surprised. Since he died she hasn’t said it. Now his four kids are somewhat unimpressive, so maybe his standards were lower.

I told J about a sample of a book I downloaded onto my Kindle, called “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” It is about women whose mothers are narcissists. I told him that the description of these women really resonated with me, I can totally relate, but that my mother isn’t a narcissist, so I don’t know if I am going to buy the book.

I told J about what my mother thought about me working on the hotline – she didn’t approve. But when a friend of hers told her that her daughter is a rape counselor, suddenly my mother thought it was ok that I work on the hotline. J said that as long as what I do reflects well on her she is supportive. That is a form of narcissism. He said he doesn’t think she had a narcissistic personality disorder, or anything that severe, but it is a sign. Then he talked about the whole good enough mother thing again, and good enough for one person may be different than good enough for another.

He told me about people who let all of these neurotic things roll off their backs, like Buddhist nuns. I said, yeah, I’d probably be as happy as a Buddhist nun if I dissociated all day and didn’t pay attention to anything that is going on the world. That is just ignorance. How can anyone be happy considering the state of the world. We talked about whether these people really just let things roll off their backs, or if they process stuff. I told him I obviously think it is important to process things, otherwise I wouldn’t have been coming to therapy for over two years. He said he would check with the Buddhist nuns. I said, “The next time you visit the monastery?” He said he gets acupuncture from the Buddhist nuns. That’s just weird.

All of this time I have been trying to tell J that I am too sensitive, but he never agrees. Now he says I need to develop a Teflon lining, to let what my mother and husband say roll off of me. Then he said maybe I need to do battle with them. I asked him what that is. He said if my mother criticizes me or asks something like, “Why would you want to work on the hotline?” I can answer something like, “It makes me happy. I enjoy it. Blah blah blah….give reasons.” He said I don’t have to defend myself, but I can respond and let her know how I feel. I told him I didn’t think I could do that. Firstly, I don’t like conflict, and secondly, I don’t talk about feelings with my mother, because she doesn’t and she can’t.

Later on I was thinking “Why do I have to do battle with my mother and my husband in order to get them to value me? My mother chose to have me, I wasn’t an accident. My husband chose to marry me, no one forced him. And now I have to do battle with them to show I have worth? I don’t want that. I just want them to love me.”

J asked if my mother makes me feel like a child. I said, “She tries to.” He said, “I know. But do you?” I said, “I don’t really know what it feels like to be a child. I wasn’t even very childlike when I was a child.”

J started another sentence, but it was getting late, we only had about five minutes left. I asked if I could interrupt when he finished his thought, and he just shut right up. I told him about calling my flying therapist and how I thought I should have checked with him. He had no trouble with me calling her, he wanted to know all about why I called her and what my anxiety is about. But he didn’t get it. He somehow decided that I am anxious about my daughter flying, because she is traveling alone, and the body scanner stuff is bringing out my anxiety about that. I told him that is not true, she has been flying alone since she was 15, and I am not an anxious flyer anymore. I am strictly worried about the body scanner/pat down stuff and the thought of her going through that is very upsetting to me. I don’t think he believed me. He told me that this weekend his wife and little daughter had to go somewhere and they had a long drive home and weren’t going to get home until 1:00am and he was very worried about them traveling. He said that is normal with family. He told me that he looked at the clock at 8:00pm and he felt tired and he didn’t know how they would make it home so late, but his wife had another adult and another child in the car and they talked, and she called a couple of times on the way, and she made it home. Frankly he missed the point, and I didn’t appreciate the story much. I hate when he tells me stories about how much he cares for his wife and children, because my husband has never done the things that J does at home, and it makes me feel like I missed out on a lot.

He also said something about how the “body dysmorphic disorder” is definitely playing a part….I don’t think I heard anymore. Body dysmorphic disorder? Huh? Dr. “I Don’t Like Labels” throwing that out there in the middle of a discussion? I don’t have that. I have a very realistic view of my body. Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean I have a disorder!

We didn’t have much time to discuss this though. Then it was time to leave. As I was walking out the door I remembered the papers from my little box. I stopped and asked him if I could have the box. He said, “You want the papers from last week?” Good guess, I wonder what he was thinking and what he thought I was thinking. He gave me the papers and I left. Do you think he’ll ever ask why I wanted them back? Do you think he knows why I want them back?

This session made me miss my dad a lot. It will be 13 years in January since he died. I think he was kind of a buffer between my mother and me. Even though her personality was 1000% stronger than his, just that little bit of encouragement and feeling of value that he gave me was important. Now I have no one who does that. I told J that as much as I appreciate him telling me I am valued and I am a good person, it is nothing like having a parent or a husband say it.

Oct 19 2010

Therapy Recap 10/19/10

This is going to be very disjointed and unfocused. I’m so tired. I’ll just write this as it comes to me.

T was hard today. I curled up into a ball on the couch and tried to hide. I’m quite a large person, so this attempt was unsuccessful. I just was a ball on the couch, just as visible as if I were to sit up straight. Oh well.

I didn’t look at J. I looked at the floor, the outlets on the wall to his left, out the window, at his desk. I can’t even remember how we started, he probably said, “What do you want to talk about today?” I told him I didn’t want to come. I wanted to cancel. That I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want him to see me. He replied, “I can look the other way.” I would have rather he said, “Why don’t you want me to see you?”

I said it was a hard week. I used David’s words: I had a negative emotional response to what we talked about last week. Thank you David, that was a good way to segue into things. He asked if I knew what caused the negative emotional response, I said yes I did. He asked what it was. I just hid. I told him it was hard to say. I thought it wasn’t important. It was petty. I asked him how he thought things went last week and he said he thought they went well. I said, “Yeah, you’re right. It was good.” He said it was good that we talked about the writing class and how we censor ourselves, etc. He asked if I went to the writing class and I said I did. He asked if I was anxious or hesitant about returning, and I said, no it was good. He said he would understand why I would be hesitant to go back, and I said I wasn’t hesitant, I was looking forward to it. He said, he knows that, he just meant it would be okay if I was anxious and it was good that I wasn’t. He wanted to know why it was okay to go back and I said because the people were so nice and they wanted me to come back.

Then somehow we got back to the subject at hand. I told him I am not a nice person sometimes and he asked what I did that wasn’t nice. I said I didn’t do anything, I was thinking things that weren’t nice. He wanted to know what I was thinking and I said I was jealous. Or envious. I’m not sure which. He asked me what I was envious of and I hid some more.

Finally I guess I gave him enough clues. He said, “The running?” I asked what made him say that? He said because he felt bad after I left last week, he asked himself “Was I being a jerk?” I said that he was just proud of himself and wanted to share and I was jealous and I felt bad. Then we had a whole discussion, well he mostly talked. I didn’t say much today. Most of what he said missed the point entirely. He talked about how some people win the race and some lose, and there are a bunch in the middle. I said I am not jealous of all of them. My friends run faster than me and I am not jealous of them. He said why doesn’t it bother me when a friend says they did well in a race and I said that most of my friends wouldn’t say that they came in second in their age group right after I was complaining about how poorly I did in a race. Then he said he was reading an article in the paper on Sunday about a NASCAR driver who raced Friday night and got really sick and puked, but got up the next morning and ran a 5K in 22 minutes. And J was like, wow, that’s impressive. I said, “But he isn’t your therapist!”

He said why is it different if it’s your therapist? I said I don’t know why, I just know it is different. I told him that I felt set up. That he asked me about my running, I told him how I am slow and could only win my age group if I was 90. He said he thought that was self deprecating humor, and I said it was, but it is true. And then after I tell him all of this, he says he ran a race and came in second in his age group. I didn’t understand why he did that.

He said maybe it is different because he is a person who is supposed to be supportive of me, and he wasn’t. And he said it is like my mother or husband, and now perhaps I will be distrustful as to whether he will hurt me. I told him that I know that he wouldn’t hurt me on purpose, and that he was just proud. And I feel badly about being jealous.

Then he said some more pointless things. That the race was a month ago and he’s told maybe three clients about it. That two of his clients ran marathons recently. That most people don’t set out to win a marathon (I said, “I bet you would.”)

I told him that he is perfect and I’m a loser. He asked why it is so extreme, and I said I know it isn’t true, but that is how I feel. He leaned forward in his chair and stared at me and asked “Are you a good writer?” I glanced at him and he was freaking me out by staring at me. I was still able to reply sarcastically. I said, “Probably not as good as you.” He didn’t even blink. Just started at me and asked again, “Are you a good writer?” I told him I didn’t know. That people tell me I am, but they are subjective. He asked how I would know if I am a good writer, and I said I guess if I got published I would know. Or if someone objective read something of mine and told me I was a good writer I would believe them.

I asked him to explain why he told me about his race. He said he wasn’t trying to hurt me or be aggressive towards me on a conscious level. He said I run, so he talked about it.

He asked me what changed about me when he told me about his race. Before he said those things I was somewhat happy with my running and racing, well maybe not totally, but I was at peace with my ability. He said nothing about me has changed, why do I feel like a loser now?

He leaned forward in his chair and stared at me again. I hid. He apologized for telling me about the race and doing so well. He didn’t mean to consciously hurt me or be aggressive towards me.

Then he said that this is another example of how I take on blame for other people’s actions. Just because someone is a jerk, he said I don’t have to sign on for it. People are sometimes jerks. He said if I came in to the office angry or frustrated at him he would actually welcome that, because it would mean that I am not taking responsibility for things he has done.

He said he doesn’t mean this in a critical way, he is saying this from a place of empathy and caring. That I do not need to be responsible and take the blame all the time. He pointed out some positive things I do for myself, to be a Harriet advocate instead of a Harriet hater. Like when my boss wanted me to work on a Saturday and I didn’t go in. Not because of laziness or irresponsibility, but because I made a conscious decision that it was the weekend and I had other things to do. Or going to my writing class confidently after dropping out and not showing up for two weeks.

Then it was time to leave. I had to uncurl out of my ball. I put my shoes on and managed to say “Thank you” as I left.

Perhaps more analysis tomorrow.

I want to thank all of my blog friends for giving me courage today. I was thinking about all of you – I printed out all of your recent comments and read them in the car before I went in. I didn’t say much, but I guess I said enough to make my feelings heard. And he knew he was an asshole last week. Maybe he was hoping I hadn’t noticed.

Oct 14 2010

What I’d Like to Ask

I’m wondering why you told me about your race last week. First you asked me about my running and I told you that my goal is never to win or even place in my age group, that I am so slow I couldn’t place in my age group unless I was 90. And I told you about the race in which I missed my goal by 9 seconds and that I lined up in the 10 minute mile group, which you know is slow. I thought we were having a therapeutic discussion about excuses vs. explanations.

But then you told me about your race, how you are not a runner, that you have run three times in the past 10 years and they were all the week before the race and then you placed second in your age group. And you know that I know, because I have been in a bunch of races over the last two years, that to place in your age group you have to be running pretty fast, especially to place second. I actually googled you and saw you finished in 21 minutes – 7 minute miles. I believe you said something like you might have done even better if it wasn’t for the high school kids who passed you.

I thought that therapists only self-disclose when it would benefit the client. I’m wondering what benefit it was to me for you to tell me about your race.

Oct 13 2010

Dear Therapist

Here are some more things you can say to me that will make me feel like a loser. I thought you’d like to add these to your “therapist toolbox”.

I found a lottery ticket on the sidewalk the other day and I just found out that I won 10 Million dollars!

I got a letter from Harvard saying that even though my children are still in elementary school they show so much promise that they have been admitted early decision.

President Obama called me last week to ask me to chair his new Mental Health Advisory Board!

Last night my mother called just to say she loves me and she is so proud of me.

You’ll never believe this – I got on the scale this morning and I lost 5 pounds! I wasn’t even trying!

I have the greatest friends – they threw me a surprise party last weekend and it wasn’t even my birthday!

The woman who does my hair said I have the greatest hair ever, and called her friend at Clairol. Now I’m a hair model and I’ll be in Glamour and Cosmopolitan next month!

Oct 13 2010

Somebody Stop Me

Yesterday after my session with J I emailed him my writing story for class this week, because he had asked if I brought it with me. He emailed me back later in the day saying he thought it was “personal”, well-written and engaging to the reader.

I have this really strong urge to write him back saying, “Sure, but I bet you could have done it better.”

So immature. Someone stop me.

Aug 31 2010

Therapy Recap 8/31/10

I started by saying I was sorry for not being nice last week, and J said it was no problem, not even a blip on his radar screen, but he accepts the apology. He thought I was frustrated for a short time, but I said that I thought I put up a big wall and I was sorry. Then I noticed his lamp. I was watching Entourage Sunday night and I recognized the lamp in Ari’s office, but I couldn’t remember where I had seen it. And there it was on J’s desk! I asked him if he watched Entourage and he said he did, and I told him he has the same lamp as Ari, but Ari has the tall one, and J has the desktop version. That was a relief, it was kind of bugging me trying to remember where I had seen that lamp.

Then he brought out the box and asked if I felt more pressure to talk about things since they are in the box. I said that it was supposed to make things easier, but I didn’t understand why he didn’t choose something out of the box last week. He didn’t really explain, but I think it was because I had sent him an email and he wanted to continue the conversation. I think that, last week being what it was, I would have been unsatisfied with whatever we had talked about.

So he pulled a slip out of the box. It was “anxiety about jobs.” This was kind of good. Not a difficult topic to talk about and something that has been bothering me lately. This box thing is a good idea. I recommend it.

I told him what was going on with my boss, the college consultant, the one who has seemed frustrated with me lately, but probably because she, herself, has been stressed. We talked about how she and I are somewhat friendly and if I didn’t work for her anymore would we still be friends. And do I need this job? And how I promised her she was my first priority.

J said I need to have strong boundaries, when I took the new job I told her that I could still work for her, but only on Mondays. And I can work for her for as long as she needs me on Mondays, but not other days. In August I actually worked for her for 44 hours total, when in the months from March through July it was 11 to 25 hours per month. So if she thinks I can’t put in extra time due to “my other job” this shows that I can. I told J how she is always talking about “my other job” and he said this is something that I should just overlook, and not get into with her. Because there is no point.

And I should accept the fact that she might eventually decide that she wants someone with more flexibility, despite the fact that I can work the number of hours that she needs. He asked if I thought we would remain friends if I didn’t work for her anymore.

I said I probably wouldn’t, because I wouldn’t pursue the relationship. This led to a discussion of how I am isolating from my friends and I have no friends anymore. This is actually another piece of paper in the box, so maybe we killed two topics today. Or at least maimed.

J asked if my friends were still pursuing me. I said they are. He asked why they might be doing that. I came up with some lame reasons, and he suggested that maybe they like me? I had to admit that maybe they do, I have been friends with some of these people for many, many years. He asked what was holding me back from being with them. I said I was too sensitive right now and they do and say things that hurt me. He asked for examples.

I told him about what happened the other day at the pool, when my friend said I was so confident and could handle criticism easily. I told J that it was obvious that I am not like that, and how could my friend think that about me? How could he NOT know me so well?

I told him that I have known this particular friend for a long time, although we really only got close over the last couple of years, that my husband and I socialize alone and together with him and his wife, that he and I run together, that we have raced together. As a matter of fact we did a race together and it was overwhelming for me because it was crowded and I was holding onto him because I was kind of freaked out about the crowds and the noise and the anxiety about the race. So why does he think I am so confident?

J said that maybe he noticed I was anxious, but I persevered and I ran the race and that made me seem confident.

J then tried to convince me, or show me through examples, that I am confident. He gave my jobs as an example. I immediately said, “Anyone could do my jobs.” He commented on how immediately I dismissed myself. He said, “Sure, a monkey could do what you do.” Probably. He said I put myself into situations which cause anxiety, but I do them anyway. He spent some time on this, but, you know, I am having a hard time remembering. I wonder what that says about me.

One thing he said was that we all have parts. He said that he doesn’t dress like this at home; he doesn’t talk like this at home. We all have parts that are like petals of a flower and sometimes some of the petals are more prominent than others. It doesn’t mean we are fake, just that we show different parts of ourselves at different times.

I do agree with this, but I don’t think that is the gist of the issue for me. Of course we have work personas, home personas, social personas. That is normal. What is the issue for me is either not having anyone in my life to whom I can show all of my parts, my most vulnerable parts, or having those people but not being able to show them my parts, because of my own distrust or fear. That is when I feel a disconnect from people and friends and family.

I asked him if he remembered me telling him about the parrot t and how I told her that I had no self-esteem, and I’m never good enough, etc. And her response was, “When you walked in here my first thought was how put together you are and how confident you seem.” I asked J, “Where did she get that?” And he said, “That is how you are.” I said, “How can anyone think that? What is it about me?” I felt like asking him if it is because I am tall, and maybe tall people seem confident, but it seemed stupid. I still don’t understand how someone could think that about me just by me walking in the room, let alone after knowing me for a few years.

We talked about the writing workshop and he said he thought it is great that I am going to do this. I said it was impulsive, well not really, that I was thinking about it for a long time, but then I just signed up, and that part was impulsive. He said, “You mean, rather than typing in your first name, and then coming back in an hour and typing in your last name….” Yeah, kind of like that. I said that I hadn’t planned on doing the online registration on that day; that I was still kind of thinking about it, but then I just did it. Like pulling off a band-aid.

Then he gave a very bad analogy about someone having cancer for a few years, and then they just die, and it seems sudden, but it’s not really because they had cancer for a few years. I said, “Interesting analogy” and he said, “Yeah, it sounded kind of bad coming out of my mouth” and I said, “So I’m headed towards my death by signing up for this class?” and he said, “That’s not exactly what I meant”.

I told him that I wasn’t sure I could do the class, and he said he thinks I can. I’m leaving open the option of not going. It cost $228 dollars. That’s a motivating factor. But fear is an un-motivating factor.

We also discussed how sensitive I am. Previously J has disagreed with me when I said I was too sensitive. But today he said I need to become less sensitive. That when dealing with my boss I need to have a thicker skin. He said I know logically that she should not have gone to Hawaii during her busiest month, and she is stressed out, and I didn’t do anything wrong or different than what we agreed upon. I need to put the responsibility for anything going wrong on her, and not take this upon myself. I do know that logically, but I still get upset. How does one develop a thick skin, and is it even worth trying to change that about myself? I do want to keep this job. When I was there yesterday I realized how much I enjoy being in that environment, that I like my boss and her new partner, that when things are going well I feel important and useful and we have fun, intelligent conversations. And she pays me very well, which, when I work 44 hours like I did this month, is a good chunk of change.

I told J, “It pays for therapy.” He didn’t have a good response, just kind of caught him off guard.

So in the end, it was a fine session, I felt that I talked a lot, I felt that he felt useful, that this was here and now data which is what he likes to work with, there wasn’t a lot of “feelings” stuff which is uncomfortable for me.

I’m still a little unsure about the part where he tried to convince me I am confident and I have parts like everyone else. But I don’t want to go into self-defense mode immediately. I think this is something I have done too much in therapy, that I think he is minimizing me and not validating me, and instead this time I am going to think about what he said and how it could be positive and enlightening. And if I still have trouble with it we can talk about it more next week.