It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Here’s an update:
August 18: stayed up until 1am finishing project for boss.
August 19: dropped off project at 8am. Went to work for R, the other boss, and stayed all day making travel arrangements for his son who decided at the last minute to go to Rwanda.
My daughter, M, asked me to go out to the barn where she keeps her horse on Thursday night to take pictures. It would be the last time she would be spending time with her horse, the last time she might ever see him, because we are trying to sell him.
August 20: Leave at 5:30am to fly to New Orleans. Spend the day walking around the city, shopping in the suburbs, and going out to dinner. Hus goes next door to the casino. Couldn’t sleep – people across the hall having a party, and I have chest pains.
August 21: Leave bright and early to pack the car and drive to the dorm. Get M all moved into her room. Another trip to the suburbs with her roommate and family to buy/exchange items for the room. Her roommate’s hometown is 350 miles away, and her family offered to have M travel there in case of a hurricane. That was nice – since we live 1000 miles away.
M was cranky at dinner, arguing with my husband about where to eat. But we ended up going where she wanted to go and I am happy about that. She wanted to go to PF Chang’s. Usually not one’s first choice when in New Orleans, but she is not a fan of Cajun food. Drop her off at dorm.
Hus and I go back to hotel. He goes next door to the casino. I really want a drink, but the little bottle of red wine in the minibar costs $28 and I couldn’t bring myself to spend that much. That proves I’m not an alcoholic, right? But my husband could be a compulsive gambler.
August 22: The husband and I go out for beignets in the morning, then drive to campus for meetings, orientations, and more shopping. Now we buy the textbooks and computer software. M insisted on buying a Mac despite the fact that the business school requires windows. So we bought and installed windows parallel, windows for mac, and Microsoft office, and I installed and set up all of those on her computer. M was very cranky, she hadn’t eaten, and with the heat index the temperature was 110 degrees (I believe that is 43 degrees Celsius, which sounds a lot cooler). My husband asked me what was going on with her, and I said, “She is stressed.” He replied, “What does she have to be stressed about?”
For some reason this was like a revelation to me. How could he be so clueless? I said, “Hello….she is starting college tomorrow????” He just has no idea.
Finally we got her room and her computer set up, and she looked like she really needed to be alone, so we did the hugs and kisses and I love you’s and goodbyes. Then drove off.
Got home at 1am and collapsed. Oh, and our plane had direct tv and I watched “Sex and the City Part II” and had a margarita. Mindless movies and margaritas really help with fear of flying.
August 23: I have to go to work for S. I didn’t really want to see her or talk to her or work or take a shower or leave the house. So I putter around for a while, then go over there at noon. I stayed for about 5 hours and it wasn’t bad. There was a little chill in the air at first, but things warmed up. Maybe the worst is over. Then drove my son, A, over to the community college to meet with an advisor. She gave him the info he needs to sign up for classes.
Yesterday was the day, 5 years ago, that Hurricane Katrina formed in the Atlantic Ocean. This week there are many documentaries on tv, some repeated from 5 years ago, some new ones showing the changes that have happened since that time. I was pretty attached to the news coverage of Katrina five years ago, and it was re-ignited when I went to Mississippi in April. So last night I started watching some of these documentaries.
August 24: Wake up. Can’t get out of bed. Feeling very bad. Want to stay in bed all day. Need to make my 8am call to my boss, but can’t do it. Finally get up because I have to pee. Make coffee. Sit at computer all morning. Don’t want to shower. Finally do. Have to go to therapy. Put on some crappy clothes, throw on some makeup, kind of comb my hair.
Therapy = not so good. I told J I wasn’t feeling well. He said, “Are you coming down with something?” That isn’t what I meant. He gave me my box so I could see what it is in it. I read all the slips of paper and gave it back. He asked when my daughter is going to college and I said she left. He asked how that went and I said fine. I put a wall up. He tried to get past it, but it was impenetrable. He spent the session talking about the dentist story that I told him last week. I got annoyed after about 30 minutes of this and asked, or perhaps raised my voice and yelled, why are we talking about this. He said it is important and it is plaguing me. I got more annoyed and raised my voice more and said it has not been plaguing me, I haven’t even thought about it since January until it came up again last week. He said it is representative of how I take what other people say and that is how I think of myself, instead of coming up with my own perceptions of myself.
He asked again if we could talk about my daughter. I really wanted to talk about it, but I can’t. I did get teary eyed, but didn’t cry. I swear I’ll never cry in therapy. He asked if she were to write about her experience with me taking her to college what she would write. I told him I thought it would be positive.
But I felt terrible when I left. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I drove around for a while, then went to a restaurant and had 2 margaritas and a salad. And some bread to soak up the liquor.
Then I went to the GI doctor because of the chest pains, and he told me I need a CT scan of my heart and lungs to rule out problems with my aorta and a pulmonary embolism. And I need an endoscopy. Came home, made the appointments, and spend the rest of the day drinking.
And crying. I don’t feel well. Things aren’t good. People are calling me and texting me, and I’m not taking their calls, not answering their texts. A couple people emailed and facebooked, and I managed to write back a few words.
I sent J an email apologizing for yelling at him and he said not to worry about it.
I have so much to say, but I can’t say it. I wish he had used the box today, but he didn’t even suggest it. He just wanted to talk about the dentist story. I don’t understand. I don’t know anything. I’m going to watch more documentaries about Katrina.