Tag Archives: son’s therapist

Jan 9 2013

Transference

I’ve seen Art T 16 times. I never think about her. When I look at my calendar and see her on there for the next morning I’m surprised, “Oh yeah, I see Art T tomorrow.” I never think about what I am going to talk about. When I leave I never think about we talked about. I have no desire to know anything about her.

My son had a T who we started seeing 6 years ago, and saw for about 2 years. After a month or two of seeing him, and it was mostly my son he was seeing, not me, I started thinking about him all the time. Imagining scenarios with him, not erotic or even “in love”, just friendly stuff with him and my son and his kids, or him saving my son’s life, or my life. He helped my son a lot, came with me to school meetings, talked with me on the phone a lot. I knew about his kids, their names, ages, schools, his wife, her name, I saw her photos, I even heard them talking on the phone when I was there because he put her on speakerphone. He bought my husband’s football tickets, drove my son around, I fixed his computer…on and on. He drove me crazy though, there was so much about him that I didn’t like. He was very difficult to deal with and finally I ended therapy on the phone. My son had never wanted to be going, so it was no loss for him, but I felt like my heart had been ripped out.

Then I went to see J to get over my son’s T. I saw him seven times, decided it was too hard, and stopped. But I kept thinking about him, so after a couple of months I went back. Then saw him for 4 years. Thought about him all the time, from the minute I left therapy to the minute I went back. Analyzed everything he said, punished myself for things I didn’t say, prepared for days for our sessions. Constantly worried about what I would talk about in therapy.

My pdoc was the one who figured out that the reason I was so obsessed with my son’s T is because he was playing the role that I wanted my husband to play for the previous 7 or 8 years, and did the things that my husband would never do. Son’s T swooped in and helped me out with all my son’s academic problems that I had been working on by myself all that time. I did not want him to be my husband, he drove me crazy, but I wanted him to be my son’s father.

How about J? I think I wanted him to be my husband. Or more precisely, I wanted my husband to be like him. I didn’t want exactly HIM, I wanted my husband to act like him, to talk to me like he did, listen to me like he did, worry about me and my kids like he did with his wife and kids, play with our kids like he did with his kids, to be as self confident as he is, and be as assertive as he is. All the things my husband isn’t. Of course, no husband is like a T, even a T who is a husband. That is the weird thing about therapy I suppose.

I guess Art T hasn’t filled a void in my life. It is a relief to not think about her or therapy all the time. Every time I go in she asks me if I have anything to talk about from last week, any feelings or thoughts that were leftover. Today I said, “Hmmm, what did we talk about last week?” I couldn’t even remember, but she refreshed my memory and I had nothing left over. She remembered that on my way out last week I mentioned that we should probably talk about my marriage, so she brought that up and that is what we did. It was helpful, and when I left I felt like it was productive and useful.

I told her that I don’t think about therapy at all, so I must not be doing the work. She disagreed, she said if I am moving forward in my life, then therapy is working.

With my son’s T and with J, it felt like a LOT of work, but it was all in my head. All the obsessing and fantasizing and daydreaming and rehashing. Whew, it’s tiring. With Art T, I just leave, and that is it. This is a huge change from therapy with J, but I somehow feel like I should be working harder in order to get therapy to “work”. But for now, I’m going to trust Art T when she says therapy is working even though I am not working at it. And I’m going to enjoy the feeling of not having feelings about her.

Jun 8 2010

15 Minutes?

Friday May 28 my son’s old therapist returned my email in which I asked him for help. He told me to call him, which I did. He answered the phone and asked if he could call me back in 15 minutes.

This was a very long 15 minutes. He called me back this morning. I don’t know how many minutes that was, but it was 11 days. But yes, that is typical.

He asked me for a brief update. He said I am enabling my son, that I need to kick him out of the house. He said he would be willing to come over and talk to my son, to “engage” him. He was his therapist for about 2 years and was never able to “engage” him, but he has a lot of confidence in himself (ie; an extreme narcissist) and I suppose he thinks he can engage him in one visit.

He told me that there are transition programs available but they are expensive.

He asked what my husband was doing about the situation. He knows that my husband is never involved in anything regarding my son, but maybe he thought things have changed. I told him my husband was doing nothing.

I asked him if he thought it is appropriate to kick him out of the house if he has a mental illness such as anxiety and depression. He said I need to set ground rules and parameters. I suppose that means pdocs, therapists and meds if mental illness is the root of his problem.

So we left it that I will call him if I want him to come over to attempt to engage with my son. I am confident that won’t work.

Why do people think it is so easy to just put one’s child out on the street? Why can’t someone think of a better idea?

I am becoming more and more comfortable with my decision to do nothing. To take care of my son’s basic physical needs, his emotional needs, and let him decide the rest on his own. No docs, no meds, no therapists unless he asks. No pressure to get a job, to take classes, to drive. If he wants to do those things he can ask. He’ll just live in the house. He doesn’t bother anyone, he doesn’t take up any cosmic space.

May 31 2010

It’s All About the Shame

I was at the pool this afternoon with my Kindle and I was browsing through the books I had on there, unable to really focus on anything. I saw the title “I Thought It Was Just Me” by Brene Brown, a book about shame that I read a year or so ago. I started to read parts of it again. Anyone who is suffering from shame issues due to whatever might like this book. It focuses on women and shame, and really makes you feel like you are not alone or weird. Her solution for getting out of the shame rabbit hole is to talk about it. That is not so easy. Anyway, while I was reading I realized that the issues that were troubling me last week all have this in common – they are all related to my shame.

The first thing that happened was when I was telling a friend about something that occurred and she gave me a response that was intended to be helpful, but it hurt my feelings. Then I got all babyish and pissy and wallowed in my hurt for a while wondering why no one understands me.

The second thing was when my son quit working with the counselor, and I asked my husband if he had any ideas about what we could do about my son and he didn’t seem to be interested in discussing it or dealing with it.

The third thing was calling my son’s old therapist because I didn’t know where else to go for help. However when he basically blew me off all of the old feelings came back, including remembering that he told me I was difficult to work with, standoffish, sarcastic, etc. (See yesterday).

I think all three of these involve my feelings of shame. In the first instance, I thought I was feeling hurt, but I was actually feeling shame. I was ashamed of myself because of a fear I have which is irrational and illogical, and when I shared it with my friend and she responded in a helpful way it made me feel ridiculous about myself for being afraid.

In the second instance I am ashamed of myself for everything that I screwed up in my son’s life and for my inability to get my husband involved in any way.

And in the third scenario I am full of shame, about continuing with my son’s old therapist because I was unable to terminate even though I knew it wasn’t helping, about getting in touch with him again, and remembering what he said about me.

I’m wondering if anxiety is really my major problem, or if it is shame. And I am wondering why it is difficult for me to identify emotions. I know that I feel emotions, and quite strongly, but to me a bad emotion is a bad emotion, and I don’t really differentiate all of the bad ones. Maybe I should try harder to actually figure them out, but I don’t know if that is helpful or not.

May 30 2010

Why Would He?

When we were working with my son’s therapist he said I was standoffish, sarcastic, argumentative, and pessimistic. And that I was difficult to work with. So why would he call me back? He obviously wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

May 29 2010

Weekend Update

Remember that from Saturday Night Live? “I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.” We thought that was hilarious.

Anyway….

Update #1 – Party and Cake

I went to the party, I brought the cake. I couldn’t stop myself from mentioning that I didn’t think it came out as pretty as it usually does due to the hot day, blah blah blah. People ate it, people said it was good. There was about half of it left (there were lots of desserts) so I doled it out and people took some home. One person commented on my Facebook today that it was very good cake and it was excellent breakfast food.

Want to hear the primary reason why I brought the cake to the party? It is going to sound silly, so if you are not in the mood for dumb then you should close out of this page right now.

Still here?

OK, you have been warned.

I thought if I brought the cake to the party I would be able to tell J on Tuesday that I did it. I brought a less than perfect cake to a party where I didn’t know half the people very well, and I didn’t know the other half at all. I thought he would be proud of me. So after subjecting myself to this experience, he sure as hell better say something good to me when I tell him the story on Tuesday.

As for the party and the people. It was great to see the Mississippi people again, and they seemed happy to see me. This was the first time they’ve seen me looking normal – makeup, hair, nice clothes. But you know what, I bet it wouldn’t have mattered how I looked. They are just nice people. Methodists, you know. Any of my readers Methodist?

The spouses were nice too. Dan, a very good looking, friendly, dare I say flirtatious, guy who I got along very well with in Mississippi, brought his wife. She wasn’t so friendly. Maybe she is shy. At one point he asked her to come into the TV room to watch the slideshow I made and she said, “I’m talking, maybe later.” And he made a comment about being blatantly shot down. I felt kind of bad for him. They had taken two cars and she left early. Maybe she wasn’t feeling well.

All in all, very fun. Lots of wine, lots of food. I would love to hang out with these people again.

Update #2 – Son’s Therapist

I had emailed him Thursday morning at 9:30am. He emailed me back at 1:30pm Friday, a very short email saying to call him at the office or on his cell. I called the office, got the voice mail and left a message. Then I called the cell phone and he picked up immediately. He knew it was me and he said, “Hey Harriet, can I call you back in 15 minutes.”

That was the last I heard from him – yesterday at 2pm.

This is typical, totally brings back all of the feelings from the days when we were seeing him weekly. Ugh.

May 27 2010

I Was Desperate

Last night my son told me that he didn’t want to work with the transition counselor anymore. He told me that he isn’t doing anything for him that he can’t do for himself. Which may be true, but my son isn’t doing anything for himself. However, I didn’t really see much happening with the counselor helping him either. And the counselor wanted him to try neurofeedback, which I was starting to research, and my son said he doesn’t want to do it. He said the things the counselor suggested are weird and haven’t been proven to be successful (ie; Brain Gym). The fact that they can’t hurt to try didn’t seem to impress him.

So I called the counselor today and told him that we would be terminating.

He had told me that he likes my son, that he is genuine and honest, that he is a good kid who isn’t doing drugs or drinking, and who respects his parents. Unlike a lot of floundering kids. Today he told me that my son is a gentle soul and he is just stuck, and he can’t figure out how to get him unstuck. And he is socially very isolated, whether by choice, because of depression or anxiety, or just very introverted, he does not know.

I told my husband that my son didn’t want to continue with the counselor. My husband, as is his usual way, did not say a word. And I’m not saying that in a metaphorical way. He literally did not say a word. I asked him what we should do, if he has any ideas and he said he does not know.

So we are back at square one, and once again it is all on me. And I was feeling desperate. I don’t know what to do for him. J can’t help me, when I asked him to help with my son it turned into a huge mess. My husband has no clue, or doesn’t want to be involved, or something, I don’t know what. And people are asking me, constantly, what is up with my son. What is he doing? He’s not working? He’s not going to school? Shut up already!!!!!

So I did something I probably should not have done. I emailed his old therapist. If you search this tag you could read about our history. He was not a good therapist. He was borderline unethical. He was definitely unorganized, frequently forgetting our appointments, double and TRIPLE booking, promising to do things that he never did, not returning calls or emails, the list of infractions goes on and on. And it’s not just me, I have heard this from others as well.

But I emailed him to ask for help. I asked him if we could talk, just he and me, that my son doesn’t want therapy. That I would pay whatever it is he charges, that it could be on the phone or in person.

That was at 9:30 this morning, and I have not heard from him. Of course we are entering into a holiday weekend here in the US, so perhaps he is away. Although the very first time I called him to set up an appointment he called me back from the beach.

I think it was a mistake to contact him. But I don’t know what else to do, where else to get help. I have screwed up with my son so much already, and if I do anything on my own I know whatever I do will be the wrong thing.

And tomorrow night is the Mississippi reunion party, and I made the red velvet cake, and I don’t like the way the frosting turned out. It was over 90 degrees here today, not good conditions for making frosting. I think it sucks. It’s chilling now, I hope it is better tomorrow. Otherwise I may just throw it in the trash and stay home.

Dec 15 2009

Therapy Recap 12/15/09

Went back to therapy today after a break due to J’s vacation. It was hard to be back. Lots of anxiety, didn’t know what to talk about, felt like I was starting all over again. J started with saying he thinks he sees some changes in me – I’m less critical of myself, less judgmental, as evidenced by the meatball episode. He brought up the situation with my husband and I told him how underwhelmed I felt about talking about that two weeks ago. I told him that I don’t feel any emotion when I’m there with him. He mentioned barriers and what do I think I’m protecting myself from. I told him I’m like the third little pig, all safe in my brick house. He said in one version of the three little pigs story the third pig lets the other two into his house when their houses got blown down by the big bad wolf. He wanted to know if my house had a door, and I said it does, but it’s locked. He asked if it has windows, and I said, no, no windows.

He thought maybe my protective house has been built as a response to the experience I had with my son’s therapist. He asked if we could talk about that a little. So we did, we went over how my son’s therapist, D, didn’t treat us well, promised things and never followed through, we’d show up for appointments and he wouldn’t be there, he didn’t return calls or emails, and in general crossed a lot of boundaries. Plus he criticized me. I couldn’t remember during the session exactly what D had said about me, but when I got home I looked it up. He said I was “standoffish and sarcastic” and when I asked him about this he said, “oh, and also argumentative and pessimistic.” He was actually very difficult to work with, and after doing some reading I have come to see that he has a very narcissistic personality. This therapy came to a bad end.

So, yes, perhaps my brick house has been built in response to how D treated us. But I think the house was built long, long before that. J asked if anyone has treated me like D did prior to that, and I said I had a relationship once a long time ago that was similar. But my parents did not treat me that way.

J says I compartmentalize, which sometimes is a good thing, but also can be bad. For example if a man is driving to work and ranting and raving about the traffic, he isn’t thinking that perhaps his anger is due to the fact that this is his last day of work because he was laid off. That things affect other things and if I know why I’m so protective it would help me to understand it. As far as I know I’ve been like this since I was a child, so I think it is just my personality, but I don’t know.

He asked me about the cutting, and when I last cut. I told him that I don’t really remember, but I think it was about 2 months ago. He asked me where on my cutting flowchart I would put a picture of me dissociating from my feelings, which totally confused me because my cutting is very emotionally charged, and is not a result of feeling numb like I know is the case for some self injurers. So I’m not sure about that, and I tried to explain that I only seem to not feel my feelings when I am in session with him, but maybe I do that in other situations also.

We talked about the wellbutrin and if I think it is helping, and I said I don’t think so yet, but I feel the side effects already.

Then he asked about the book he lent me, and how I liked it. I said I liked it. He wanted to know what I liked about it. I didn’t tell him that I hated having his book for three weeks. That every time I picked it up to read I couldn’t concentrate because of the stupid obsessive thoughts I got about spilling something on his book, or ripping up the book. I was so happy to give that book back to him today and I hope he never offers to lend me anything else. But I didn’t tell him any of that.

I did mention that I thought the concepts of Flow and Mindfulness are better suited to people who have more control over their thoughts than I do. I was so busy thinking about all of the horrible thoughts I have had over the past few weeks while I was working on being mindful that I wasn’t paying much attention to what he had to say about this. He did ask me about the thoughts and I wouldn’t really elaborate, so he said something about depressing and anxious thoughts. I wish that was all that they are.

It was approaching the end of the session and there was something I really wanted to tell him, something I’ve never told anyone because I was afraid I would be hospitalized or my children would be taken from me. I just feel badly that he thought I was making improvement and now I was telling him this very negative thing about myself. So I guess I looked really anxious and/or upset and he asked me if I felt ok. I said I was fine (as usual – I’m always fine!) but I wanted to tell him something. Then I paused and he said I could tell him or not. I said I wanted to tell him. So I did manage to tell him, it was really only one sentence. But it is something horrible about me and it’s a secret that I have carried around for over 19 years. It involves intrusive thoughts. After I told him I said I don’t want to talk about it, and anyway it’s time to go. As I was walking out the door he said, “This is more common than you might think.” I said, “I don’t think so” and I left.

And lately my intrusive thoughts have really been getting out of control. I’m not sure if it’s due to working on mindfulness – it seems when I try to clear my mind that is when bad thoughts pop in – or maybe the wellbutrin is too stimulating to my mind. I know I should talk to J about this, but when he started the session by saying he noticed positive changes in me I didn’t want to invalidate that by telling him that my thoughts are so bad that I think I’m going crazy. I know going crazy means having a psychotic episode, and I also know that is not what is happening to me because I know the thoughts are in my mind and not real. But I really don’t know if I will act on these thoughts, sometimes the urges are very strong. I just don’t know what is wrong with me, and it’s very scary. It’s even scarier telling someone about it.

It took about 15 minutes after the session ended for the emotions to come to the surface. And I’ve been holding back tears all day. Right now I’m focusing on the screen and the keyboard and trying to figure out what I’m going to do for the next 6 hours until it is time for bed. Something to do that doesn’t involve negative coping strategies. I feel pretty awful right now. I guess I’m not always fine.

Nov 17 2009

My Breathing Thing

I have a breathing problem. Well, I call it my “breathing thing” (BT). Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. This breathing difficulty starts without warning, sometimes starting slowly, sometimes not, and lasts a few months. Then it disappears for a while. My first episode of the BT occurred when I was planning my wedding, in 1988. I thought perhaps I was dying, so I went to the doctor. He told me I had “anxiety induced asthma” and he gave me an inhaler. The inhaler did not work, the only thing that relieved my breathing difficulty was drinking (liquor, not just general liquids). When I went out drinking, or had a few drinks at home, I could breathe easily. After I had had a few episodes of the BT I realized that it is not fatal, and I just live with it. I don’t talk about it with anyone.

My last episode of the BT was the worst. It started immediately after I “broke up” with my son’s therapist (no, we weren’t doing anything unethical, I mean I broke off our professional relationship). This was the worst episode of the BT that I had ever had. After about 6 months of it getting worse and worse I was seriously considering taking myself to the ER and asking for something to help me breathe. But then I woke up one day and it was gone. It’s been gone for a while now.

But now it’s back. It’s slowly creeping in this time, not a sudden occurrence. I notice it’s affecting my running; I started running after my last episode stopped so this is my first experience with the BT and running.

I never believed that I had anxiety induced asthma, or any type of asthma. First of all, if this was anxiety induced why didn’t the doctor suggest I do something about the anxiety? Secondly, when I was 27 years old I never would have admitted that I had anxiety, or any mental disorder. I remember all too well the judgmental, critical talk amongst family members when someone in the family had a “nervous breakdown” (what is that anyway?). Finally, if this was asthma, why didn’t the inhaler work?

Today I googled “anxiety induced asthma” and what a surprise, there is information about this on the internet. Apparently it exists, although there seems to be some doubt about whether it’s a real thing.

In any case, I expect the next 6 months or so to be somewhat trying. My psychologist is really pushing the mindfulness and meditation stuff. He wanted to loan me a mindfulness CD, but the last person he lent it to hasn’t returned it, so he wrote down the info for me. Turns out it’s an audio CD by Jon Kabat-Zinn, someone whose books I have read and who I really admire. I bought it from Audible, since I had 5 credits. I’m listening to it now on my itunes, although I find JKZ’s voice to be a bit too much like Woody Allen’s, he does have good things to say.

I’m afraid of doing any meditations involving breathing however, because the more I think about and am aware of my breathing the worse the BT gets. When I used to be in my flying support group we had a relaxation exercise at the end of every session, and my wonderful therapist knew that I couldn’t handle breathing exercises so she always did other ones when I was there. I’m hoping there will be some exercises on this CD that use other techniques besides breathing.

Anyone else have a BT?

Oct 20 2009

Therapy Recap 10/20/09

J started with the usual, “What are we talking about today?” I had an answer ready, or should I say a question. I asked, “How did you know that D is a social worker?” (D was my son’s old therapist and the reason I started seeing J in the first place.) J said I told him that D is a social worker, or maybe he knows he is a social worker because he has a pretty good idea of who D is (I never would give him D’s last name, I’m afraid to tell him his name because I’m afraid he knows him or is a friend of his.) I said that I really don’t remember telling him that D is a social worker.

J wanted to know why this is an issue for me. So what if he knows D or is his friend? We had a whole discussion about that and how I would feel badly about talking negatively about someone who could be his friend, and how I would be embarrassed if J knows D. I’m also concerned that J won’t believe the things I told him about D if they are friends. Would you believe negative things said about your friend from someone who isn’t exactly mentally stable? I said that I know that I perceive things wrong, that I have learned that in therapy, so maybe everything I thought that D did wrong, or the things that bordered on unethical, were actually incorrect perceptions on my part.

Then he talked to me about perceptions. And how even if a perception is incorrect it is still how we feel and that needs to be taken seriously. If someone hurts our feelings we feel hurt even if the person didn’t mean to do it.

This led to a discussion about boundaries, since D didn’t really have any and my reaction to that is having really strong boundaries with J. He mentioned the time that I had to cancel my appointment because I was going out of town, and he offered to reschedule onto another day. I asked if that was a boundary violation. He was surprised that I would think a little thing like switching my appointment to another day is a boundary violation. I said that I would never switch my appointment, and he asked why not. I said it would be asking you for something, and I wouldn’t do that. He explained that first of all it’s ok to ask for something, and second people change appointments all the time and it’s no big deal. It’s part of his job, like cleaning his office, and he said he even cleans the toilet in the bathroom. I said I would never use his bathroom. He said, You would never drink out of the water cooler either. Yep, that’s right.

He asked me how long I’ve been thinking about whether or not he knows D because he said he was a social worker last week. I said I was thinking about it all week. He says he feels bad for me. I said that I didn’t want him to feel bad for me, that he shouldn’t feel bad for me. I don’t want him to pity me, and he said he doesn’t pity me. I said well, it makes me feel like a loser if you feel bad about me, because if I wasn’t a loser you wouldn’t feel bad for me (interesting logic, isn’t it?). It’s not therapeutic. Then he explained how he felt, but I don’t remember what he said. My brain can only hold so much.

We got to talking about my mother again, and how it’s difficult because nothing is ever right. She’s like Goldilocks and the three bears, except nothing is ever “just right”. Either you talk too much, or not enough, you’re driving too fast, or too slow, you come over too much, or not enough. She is constantly making comments like this about everyone, although she doesn’t criticize me to my face. If she does criticize me she tells my sister, and then my sister tells me. I asked J why, if she is critical of others, I take it that she is criticizing me? And he said, Because she is your mother.

He explained that it is actually liberating to be with someone who criticizes everything. If you can’t do anything right you can just whatever you want! Hmmm. I have to process that. My reaction to her is that I can never do anything right. But I should think of it as just being able to do whatever I want because it will never be good enough for her. And he said that because she does this with everyone it has nothing to do with me. Hmmm, another thing to process. Her judgments have nothing to do with me. There is nothing wrong with me, it’s her. She does it with everyone. There is nothing wrong with me.

Wow, that is intense.

Later in the day my mother called me. She was at a store and she saw something I would like and she wanted to know if I wanted it in purple or brown. She bought it for me. Then I felt so bad about talking about her with J. She was in a store and saw something and bought it for me, after I’ve been complaining about her.

Oct 14 2009

Therapy Recap 10/13/09

Wow, it’s been a few days since I’ve written. I’ve been blah, what can I say? Yesterday was therapy day, same as every Tuesday for the last year. Year? Yes, year. I’m really concerned that J, my therapist, is losing patience with me. Granted it took me at least 6 to 9 months to start actually talking to him, so I guess he realizes I’m not going to be a quick fix. But still, it seems like we talk about the same thing every week.

He started with the usual question, “What are we talking about today?” And as usual, I was quiet. I did have things I wanted to talk about, namely cupcakes and wellbutrin, but I was unable to get started so there was some silence. Either J doesn’t like silence or he assumed I had nothing to talk about. Why would someone go to therapy if they had nothing to talk about? Hmmm… So he said, “I’m curious to know, where are you on your flow-chart of guilt and shame?” I’m so sick of this flowchart! I’m sorry I gave it to him now, because that is all he is focused on. I told him I wouldn’t be cutting anymore. He asked me why. I said I didn’t want to disappoint him or make him feel like a failure. I said I was sorry I ever told him about the cutting because now I can’t do it anymore. He pointed out that I have cut since I told him about it, and I responded by saying that I don’t think I can do it anymore. His feeling about me is a deterrent to cutting. Darn.

J asked me what I am currently feeling guilty about, and I said that I feel guilty about the dread I feel in having to talk to and visit with my mother more often now that her husband has died. He asked why I dread spending time with her and I told him it’s because she is critical. Then we had a looooooonnnnnggggg discussion about why I shouldn’t feel guilty about that. And that guilt is comprised of expectations and anger. If one doesn’t meet expectations one can feel guilty. However these expectations might not be based on reality. For example I feel that I must talk to my mother every day now that she is alone, whereas before I would talk to her about once a week. And if I don’t talk to her every day I feel guilty. Who’s expecting me to talk to her every day? Is that an expectation I have created in my mind? Or did I get it from my mother, or my sister, or society? J said what if it’s ok to talk to her two times a week? I asked him if he would call his mother two times a week if his father died, and he said yes. I said, “You would not.” He admitted he wouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to call her twice a week. There can be extenuating circumstances, for example one’s mother could live far away and it would be expensive to call. I said, “We’re just talking about my circumstance, not what if’s.”

This went on and on with examples about recycling, and toys left lying around by a two year old, and cars getting scratched. Ugh. Then he explained about the anger part of guilt, but I got totally lost. He says I’m angry about something. I don’t know. I guess I’m angry that my mother’s husband died because now I have to fill in the space in her life. But I’m not angry at him for dying. I don’t what I’m angry at.

I didn’t talk to J about this, but I am angry about the fact that my plans have to change due to my mother’s husband death. I had my emergency exit all worked out. But I can’t do this to my mother. I can’t imagine her telling her friends, it would make her look bad. Anyway, not to digress.

We ran over by 5 minutes. I said, “It’s time to go.” He said, “I know.” But he kept talking. He was really trying to make his point about feelings and how we can’t control our feelings and they aren’t good or bad, and we have to differentiate feelings about a situation from feelings against a person. I don’t even know what he was saying by the end of the session. I would say that he talked at least 75% of the time.

I think, in a nutshell, he was telling me that I shouldn’t feel guilty about not wanting to spend time with my mother. Yet, on the other hand he said we can’t control our feelings and they aren’t good or bad. So that seems hypocritical. I am going to take this seriously however. My mother is critical and judgmental and difficult to be with. Just because she is my mother doesn’t mean I should be overjoyed by having to talk to her and see her all the time. It’s ok to have some dread about it. I’m ok with that.

After I left therapy I went to spend the afternoon with my mom, she wanted me to read some papers from her lawyer and spend some time with her, which I was happy to do. However, it was a mistake to do this right after therapy. After therapy I just want to crawl in a hole and die for a few days, and being with my mother was not a good after therapy activity. I patiently put up with all of her criticisms and judgments (not about me for a change). At one point she was judging my cousins, two girls in their 20’s who aren’t exactly the most mature proactive people quite yet, and I said to her, “Your expectations are too high. They are not going to do what you want.” She didn’t want to hear that, but I felt good saying it. I think I might do that more often.

One thing that did freak me out during my session was when J told me I was angry “with that social worker who was your son’s therapist.” I never told J that my son’s therapist was a social worker. All I told him was his first name and the kind of therapy he did. I asked J a few months ago if he thought he knew this person, and J said he didn’t think so, but since he didn’t know his last name and I wouldn’t tell him he couldn’t be sure. I have to ask J about that next week. My biggest fear has been that J and my son’s old therapist are friends, or acquaintances, and I would just die if they are.

I never got to talk about the things that are on my mind. Not that what we discussed isn’t important. I’m not sure how this is supposed to work, do we talk about what’s on my mind or do we talk about what J thinks is important? For the past few months it seems he’s directed the therapy. About an hour after I left this was on my mind, so I sent him an email saying that when he asks me what we are going to talk about and I don’t answer, it doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say. It just means it’s hard to get started. He replied within a couple of minutes saying, “OK, thanks.”

I guess cupcakes and wellbutrin are trivial, and I realize that we need to talk about big things in order to have progress. But all of this talk about big issues is making me feel worse and worse, do I have to do it every week? After every session I think I need to quit, I cry all day, I feel like shit for at least 3 or 4 days. Is that the way therapy is supposed to be?