Tag Archives: thanksgiving

Nov 23 2011

Therapy Recap 11/22/11

Not much to report about my session yesterday. I started by talking about how I used to self harm. I said “that is pretty disgusting isn’t it?” J said that is not the word he would use. I asked him why I did that, and he talked about self harm for a while. He remembered the collage I made about it, I had forgotten about that. It was actually a slide show, but I just gave him the photos. Here is a link to the collage. Here is a link to the slideshow if you want to see it, it is the second one.

He asked me why I was thinking about it and told him how I was alone all weekend and that is when I would self harm, but I came up with things to do and I didn’t watch any bad movies or drink. I told him that Thanksgiving coming up is causing some of my grief.

He wanted to know why I hate Thanksgiving. I didn’t really want to get into the whole story, so I gave an abbreviated version. Then we spent the rest of the session talking about how to get through Thanksgiving day. I hate sessions like that – I could read that on hundreds of blogs “8 Ways to Get Through Thanksgiving.” He was asking “What will you do if xyz happens?”, or “What can you say if someone says abc?”

We talked about why I am angry and resentful about Thanksgiving and his suggestion was to move on from that. He said it’s not fair, but that is the way it is. I agreed that the whole thing sounds so stupid and juvenile, I’m not 12 years old after all. I guess I should put it all behind me and just be happy and full of glee at Thanksgiving with my husband’s family.

I mentioned that I wasn’t sure if I should come next week, and he said ok. I said, “don’t you want to know why?” I told him that the session after Thanksgiving last year was one of the worst ever, and I have no reason to believe that would happen again but I’m just superstitious. He said he was sure we could handle having a productive session next week.

Last year a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving I had sent J a long email, which I frequently did back then, and he encouraged it. Then he would send me back an email that would say “You have a lot of good thoughts in this email, and we should cover them in our sessions. It could take a few weeks to cover everything.” Then we would talk about it the next session, not have time to finish, and the next week he would forget that we were in the middle of discussing the email and I would be hurt. So last year the session after Thanksgiving was one of those where I thought we would finish an email discussion from the week before, and J forgot about it. When I reminded him he said he thought we covered everything “at least on the surface”. He got frustrated with me because I spent the rest of the time talking about dealing with stuff on the surface. At the end of the session he said, “When you came in you told me that you didn’t go to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner. That would have been the perfect thing to talk about.”

That made me so angry because for months, even years, I had told him that I didn’t know what to talk about, and he said I could talk about anything. But that was obviously untrue.

I don’t send emails anymore.

Now I talk more about things that J likes to talk about. He asked me a few weeks ago if I do that to appease him, and I said yes, but it is still helpful. But I still don’t have anyone to talk to about the deep stuff. He didn’t really have a response for that.

If you want to read about here is a link to the blog post.

I gave him a rock at that session, I wonder if he still has it.

Nov 13 2011

A Conversation With My Husband

Today I received an email from the Thanksgiving sister-in-law telling us all what she is making, and what we should make, and who we should bring, etc etc.

I asked my husband if he received the email (actually he hadn’t – she only sent it to me and the other SIL). He said he hadn’t, and wanted to know what it said. So I told him and then I went on a rant about how I hate SIL and I hate Thanksgiving, and how we used to have it and it was so fun and everyone wanted to come to our house, and it was the only holiday we had at our house, and SIL didn’t even come, but then she decided to take over Thanksgiving and now no one wants to come to our house and it doesn’t really matter anyway because I don’t have any family.

He stood there for a few seconds, then started to walk out of the room.

I said, “OK, I’m glad I was able to get that off my chest, and now you walk away.”

He said, “What do you want me to do?”

I said, “At least acknowledge that I have said something.”

He said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

I said, “OK, so just walk away.” And then I stormed upstairs.

He came up after a few minutes and said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

I said, “You sound like my sister – you don’t know what to say so you say nothing.”

He said, “I’m sorry you are upset, but I don’t know what I can do.”

Then he sat on the bed in silence for a few minutes while I continued doing whatever I was doing on the computer. Finally he got up and left.

Nov 12 2011

Repost About Thanksgiving

I wrote this post last year before Thanksgiving, and since I have been thinking a lot about Thanksgiving lately I thought I would repost it. Because I’m sure everyone wants to know why Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday and now I hate it. (Sarcastic – the part about everyone wanting to know.)

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When my husband and I got married we started a new tradition – having everyone at our house for Thanksgiving dinner. His parents, my parents, my aunt, uncle and their children, my sister, and when she got married her husband, my grandmothers (they were still alive then), my husband’s sister and her husband, and their kids when they had them, my husband’s sister’s husband’s parents (that’s confusing!). My husband also has a brother, and he and his wife and kids never came to our Thanksgiving. Sister in law’s parents are divorced and she felt like she had to go to too many people’s houses on Thanksgiving, so they avoided the situation altogether by driving to another state to spend Thanksgiving with extended family. That made sense at the time.

We did Thanksgiving this way from 1988 until about six years ago or so. My husband’s brother and his wife bought a beach house. One day the sister-in-law called me and said that she and her husband wanted to have Thanksgiving at the beach house. I didn’t know what to say. She asked me if my mother, sister and aunt were planning on coming for Thanksgiving that year because she had enough room at the house for my mother, but not the rest of my family. I told her that I wasn’t sure if they were planning on coming yet.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to give up my Thanksgiving tradition. It was the only holiday that I had at my house and the only one where both my family and my husband’s family spent the day together. We are Jewish and keep Kosher, but my husband’s parents wouldn’t eat at my house on Jewish holidays because they said I didn’t “keep kosher good enough.” But they would come for Thanksgiving.

Finally I decided that I would still have Thanksgiving and everyone could decide where they wanted to go. This didn’t go over so well. Everyone wanted me to just say, “OK, we’ll have Thanksgiving at the beach and I won’t spend the holiday with my family, but I’ll be happy.” I didn’t do that though. It turned into a huge fight. My sister in law and I had a tremendous blow up over the phone and by email. In the end, neither of us did Thanksgiving that year. They went to the beach by themselves. My husband’s sister did Thanksgiving at her house and we went there.

Ever since then, sister in law has had Thanksgiving at her house. Not the beach house, because it turned out that once the kids got to college they didn’t want to go to the beach for Thanksgiving. All of their friends were home, and they wanted to stay in town. But no one ever wanted to come to my house again.

So now my husband and I alternate years. One year we go to sister in law’s house, and the next we have Thanksgiving at my house with my family coming over. I have a very small family though, and my kids would rather spend the day with my husband’s family, they have lots of kids and they are more of the same age. (Edited for 2011: we are not having Thanksgiving with my family at my house anymore because I now have no family.)

In 2010 it was my turn to have Thanksgiving and my mother, sister and her husband and kids were going to come. My aunt doesn’t come anymore, because she has a place in Florida now and goes there every year. My sister and I haven’t spoke since our fight on Rosh Hashanah back in September, so I didn’t really want to spend Thanksgiving with her. I asked my mother and sister if they would care to come for Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday night, and then we could spend the day with my husband’s family on Thursday. But my sister said she is working Wednesday, so they can’t come for dinner. (Huh? She works 9 to 5, not nights).

Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. I loved having both families at my house and cooking and entertaining everyone. Now I’m just bitter about the whole thing. My husband’s family loves going to sister in law’s house – she starts Thanksgiving day with a big breakfast and everyone hangs out cooking all day. She has a mini mansion with lots of large screen tvs and a pool table and hot tub on the deck. Who can compete with that?

In 2009 I ran a 10K on Thanksgiving morning so I could at least have an excuse to miss the breakfast part of the celebration. Then I went over in the afternoon, and it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Sometimes sister in law has tantrums when the whole family is there, and she storms out of the house. That’s awkward. She’s a control freak. I’m not even allowed to bring anything.

Last year I ran the 10K again. Then I faked illness and stayed home.

I actually planned my boss’s Thanksgiving last year, and I am doing that again this year. His family is coming to his house, and I’ve worked on the menu, planned who is making each item, and I’m doing all of the food ordering and shopping this week. It makes me feel like I’m doing something for Thanksgiving, even though I won’t be at his Thanksgiving.

I hate Thanksgiving.

Nov 22 2010

Why I Hate Thanksgiving

I don’t believe I’ve ever written about this. And hate is one of the themes for the next writing class reunion, so maybe this will lead to a story.

When my husband and I got married we started a new tradition – having everyone at our house for Thanksgiving dinner. His parents, my parents, my aunt, uncle and their children, my sister, and when she got married her husband, my grandmothers (they were still alive then), my husband’s sister and her husband, and their kids when they had them, my husband’s sister’s husband’s parents (that’s confusing!). My husband also has a brother, and he and his wife and kids never came to our Thanksgiving. Sister in law’s parents are divorced and she felt like she had to go to too many people’s houses on Thanksgiving, so they avoided the situation altogether by driving to another state to spend Thanksgiving with extended family. That made sense at the time.

We did Thanksgiving this way from 1988 until about six years ago or so. My husband’s brother and his wife bought a beach house. One day the sister-in-law called me and said that she and her husband wanted to have Thanksgiving at the beach house. I didn’t know what to say. She asked me if my mother, sister and aunt were planning on coming for Thanksgiving that year because she had enough room at the house for my mother, but not the rest of my family. I told her that I wasn’t sure if they were planning on coming yet.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to give up my Thanksgiving tradition. It was the only holiday that I had at my house and the only one where both my family and my husband’s family spent the day together. We are Jewish and keep Kosher, but my husband’s parents wouldn’t eat at my house on Jewish holidays because they said I didn’t “keep kosher good enough.” But they would come for Thanksgiving.

Finally I decided that I would still have Thanksgiving and everyone could decide where they wanted to go. This didn’t go over so well. Everyone wanted me to just say, “OK, we’ll have Thanksgiving at the beach and I won’t spend the holiday with my family, but I’ll be happy.” I didn’t do that though. It turned into a huge fight. My sister in law and I had a tremendous blow up over the phone and by email. In the end, neither of us did Thanksgiving that year. They went to the beach by themselves. My husband’s sister did Thanksgiving at her house and we went there.

Ever since then, sister in law has had Thanksgiving at her house. Not the beach house, because it turned out that once the kids got to college they didn’t want to go to the beach for Thanksgiving. All of their friends were home, and they wanted to stay in town. But no one ever wanted to come to my house again.

So now my husband and I alternate years. One year we go to sister in law’s house, and the next we have Thanksgiving at my house with my family coming over. I have a very small family though, and my kids would rather spend the day with my husband’s family, they have lots of kids and they are more of the same age.

This year it was my turn to have Thanksgiving and my mother, sister and her husband and kids were going to come. My aunt doesn’t come anymore, because she has a place in Florida now and goes there every year. My sister and I haven’t spoke since our fight on Rosh Hashanah back in September, so I didn’t really want to spend Thanksgiving with her. I asked my mother and sister if they would care to come for Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday night, and then we could spend the day with my husband’s family on Thursday. But my sister said she is working Wednesday, so they can’t come for dinner. (Huh? She works 9 to 5, not nights).

Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. I loved having both families at my house and cooking and entertaining everyone. Now I’m just bitter about the whole thing. My husband’s family loves going to sister in law’s house – she starts Thanksgiving day with a big breakfast and everyone hangs out cooking all day. She has a mini mansion with lots of large screen tvs and a pool table and hot tub on the deck. Who can compete with that?

Last year I ran a 10K on Thanksgiving morning so I could at least have an excuse to miss the breakfast part of the celebration. Then I went over in the afternoon, and it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Sometimes sister in law has tantrums when the whole family is there, and she storms out of the house. That’s awkward. She’s a control freak. I’m not even allowed to bring anything.

This year I’m running the 10K again. Then maybe I’ll fake illness and stay home.

I actually planned my boss’s Thanksgiving. His family is coming here, and I’ve worked on the menu, planned who is making each item, and I’m doing all of the food ordering and shopping this week. It makes me feel like I’m doing something for Thanksgiving, even though I won’t be at his Thanksgiving.

I hate Thanksgiving.