Not much to report about my session yesterday. I started by talking about how I used to self harm. I said “that is pretty disgusting isn’t it?” J said that is not the word he would use. I asked him why I did that, and he talked about self harm for a while. He remembered the collage I made about it, I had forgotten about that. It was actually a slide show, but I just gave him the photos. Here is a link to the collage. Here is a link to the slideshow if you want to see it, it is the second one.
He asked me why I was thinking about it and told him how I was alone all weekend and that is when I would self harm, but I came up with things to do and I didn’t watch any bad movies or drink. I told him that Thanksgiving coming up is causing some of my grief.
He wanted to know why I hate Thanksgiving. I didn’t really want to get into the whole story, so I gave an abbreviated version. Then we spent the rest of the session talking about how to get through Thanksgiving day. I hate sessions like that – I could read that on hundreds of blogs “8 Ways to Get Through Thanksgiving.” He was asking “What will you do if xyz happens?”, or “What can you say if someone says abc?”
We talked about why I am angry and resentful about Thanksgiving and his suggestion was to move on from that. He said it’s not fair, but that is the way it is. I agreed that the whole thing sounds so stupid and juvenile, I’m not 12 years old after all. I guess I should put it all behind me and just be happy and full of glee at Thanksgiving with my husband’s family.
I mentioned that I wasn’t sure if I should come next week, and he said ok. I said, “don’t you want to know why?” I told him that the session after Thanksgiving last year was one of the worst ever, and I have no reason to believe that would happen again but I’m just superstitious. He said he was sure we could handle having a productive session next week.
Last year a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving I had sent J a long email, which I frequently did back then, and he encouraged it. Then he would send me back an email that would say “You have a lot of good thoughts in this email, and we should cover them in our sessions. It could take a few weeks to cover everything.” Then we would talk about it the next session, not have time to finish, and the next week he would forget that we were in the middle of discussing the email and I would be hurt. So last year the session after Thanksgiving was one of those where I thought we would finish an email discussion from the week before, and J forgot about it. When I reminded him he said he thought we covered everything “at least on the surface”. He got frustrated with me because I spent the rest of the time talking about dealing with stuff on the surface. At the end of the session he said, “When you came in you told me that you didn’t go to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner. That would have been the perfect thing to talk about.”
That made me so angry because for months, even years, I had told him that I didn’t know what to talk about, and he said I could talk about anything. But that was obviously untrue.
I don’t send emails anymore.
Now I talk more about things that J likes to talk about. He asked me a few weeks ago if I do that to appease him, and I said yes, but it is still helpful. But I still don’t have anyone to talk to about the deep stuff. He didn’t really have a response for that.
If you want to read about here is a link to the blog post.
I gave him a rock at that session, I wonder if he still has it.