Tag Archives: work

Nov 29 2011

Therapy Recap 11/29/11

I started out by asking J if he could recommend someone that my husband, son and I could see together, like a family therapist. My son is taking four online classes at the community college and we believe he is failing all of them. Something needs to change. J asked me how I convinced my husband to go along with this, and it wasn’t hard since nothing he has done has worked. I expressed my concern that I would be the only one talking and he said if the therapist is good that will not be a problem. We’ll see.

Then we talked about Thanksgiving, and I told him it was very good, no complaints, everyone was polite and civil. I told him that I volunteered at the annual Turkey Chase 10K in the morning, usually I run it, but I can’t run that far yet. We talked about how that experience was.

Then I asked him if he wanted to know what I did all weekend, and I told him I read all of my therapy summaries from my blog. I said it was good because I got to see the big picture, and I know he doesn’t like the big picture, but it is helpful to me. He denied not liking the big picture.

So I told him what I thought the three main conflicts that we have had:

1. He believes that people have value for what they do, and I believe that have value for who they are.
2. He likes me to talk about the day to day events vs the larger issues.
3. J likes to talk about concrete, detailed things vs abstract, theoretical ideas.

I told him the story about the experience I had at the beginning of therapy when I didn’t know what to talk about, and he would always tell me that I could talk about anything. But 9 months after I started I happened to tell him about a dinner I went to with some friends, and at the end of the session he said, “That was the first regular session we have had.”

I also told him that I thought he was happy when my cousin od’d and I had my medical issue, not because he wanted us to be sick, but because it gave me some day to day stuff to discuss.

He asked me what I could do about these differences, and I said I could either trust him that talking about day to day things will lead to change in the bigger things, or I could leave.

He didn’t get at all defensive about any of these, and he said that there doesn’t necessarily have to be such a big difference between the way I think and the way he thinks. It’s not so black and white.

He somewhat changed his story about what gives people value – now he says that it isn’t what people do, it is how they do it.

He did say that all of his other clients come in and talk about their week, or their day, or something that happened that week. Ugh – could you imagine listening to that all day? Do you think that is really true?

J asked me how I have changed and I told him that I don’t have self destructive behaviors, I am reconnecting with friends and exposing my vulnerability to them and am somewhat able to talk to my husband. I said that I presume these improvements are a result of therapy, but how would a person know? Of course, there is still the problem of my life.

Then we got into the “purpose of life” discussion, which I have to give him credit for, he kept it pretty abstract. This led to talking about my life, and how I had a purpose for 20 years, and now I don’t. We came up with a list of things we think people might say if asked what their purpose in life is. I said that maybe having a purpose in life is too lofty a goal, and I should just fill my life with things that I enjoy doing. We spent a lot of time talking about my job, which I think is just a job, I don’t have a career and J said it may not be creative or challenging, but my employers value me and rely on me, I have a lot of flexibility and I don’t have to sit in a cubicle all day. He said I should think about my worth to my employers.

I told him that I have been thinking that I need to plan more activities on the weekends, because I don’t usually do anything except household things. When I spent the day with my friend’s husband last week it was really fun. J asked me what I would do and I told him I haven’t thought of many things yet, but the movies is one thing, and I also want to take a drive to a little mountain that is not far from here to hike and have a picnic lunch, take some hikes along the river or maybe take a cooking class. I asked him if he thought it was good idea that I do things on the weekends and he said yes. He told me to spend some time during the week checking the paper and the internet to see what things might be happening on the weekends.

He talked about the AARP brochures that always show an older couple doing fun things – golfing together, walking on the beach holding hands, etc. He said it is purely a marketing technique, but the idea is that now that the kids are grown and gone, or somewhat gone, it is time to do fun things for oneself. I think it would be better if I had someone I could do the stuff with, but I don’t mind doing it alone.

J said he observed that it doesn’t take much for me to feel like something is enjoyable and gives me a connected feeling. For example, going out to lunch with friends, or volunteering at the race. He doesn’t mean that I am a simpleton, but that I get very engaged in things. He said he doesn’t know anybody who has written out summaries of their therapy sessions (maybe no one has ever told him), and that is an example of how engaged I get in the process. So it’s not like I need to discover the cure for cancer in order to have a full life.

At the end he said, “See, we didn’t even have a fight.” Yep, it was a good session. I liked the way that talking about a big picture abstract thing led to a more practical thing, rather than the other way around.

For anyone who doesn’t think they are good enough, not worthy, don’t like themselves and think others don’t like them either, I have a book to recommend. It is by Brene Brown and is called “The Gifts of Imperfection.” It’s good, I have read it before but I don’t think I was ready to really hear what she was saying then. I may be in that place now though. If you would like to see Brene in action watch this. If you go to about the 11 minute mark she talks about her therapy in trying to become more vulnerable.

I’m thinking of printing out one of my therapy summaries and giving it to J so he can see what I write. I told him that I could tell him everything he has said for the last three years. I would print out a good session of course, but I bet if we both wrote a summary of the same session our stories would be totally different. Irvin Yalom wrote a book like that, both he and his clients wrote about their sessions.

Nov 18 2011

Child Abuse

So here is where I was going with that long Penn State story from yesterday.

I used to teach preschool, which was run by a Jewish synagogue, and sometimes I would substitute teach in the kindergarten. I was in the kindergarten one day, just me and the assistant teacher, and one of the students, a 5 year old girl named Greta, told me that her Poppie hit her with the metal part of his belt. It’s been a number of years, and I can’t remember exactly the conversation that transpired. I know that we did not know whether Poppie was Greta’s father or grandfather, and I don’t remember if we asked her more questions.

When I got home that day I was troubled, and I wasn’t sure what the proper protocol was, we didn’t get trained for this type of situation. I knew that there were certain people who are required by law to report child abuse, even alleged child abuse, to child protective services, but I had no idea if I was one of those people, or if it should even be reported because we didn’t witness anything, we were just told by the child that this occurred.

So I called my sister-in-law who worked for the county at the time, and she told me that I should report it to the preschool director. That is what I did, I immediately called the director and told her what was said. She thanked me for telling her and said she would take care of it. And I thought she would.

About a month later I asked the kindergarten teacher whatever happened with Greta. I was dismayed to learn that the preschool director met with the rabbi and they decided not to report the incident because this family was well respected in the synagogue, and they had a lame excuse about how if they did report it to the police the child could end up being abused even more because the parents would be so angry.

I was quite stunned by this decision. At this point I had totally lost my faith in Judaism. I had never really believed in God, but I enjoyed the synagogue and its emphasis on family values, traditions, ceremonies and Jewish holidays. We joined the synagogue when my children were young and we had a great rabbi who loved kids and they loved him too. Unfortunately he left to become a rabbi at a different synagogue, and then a few years later came the shock of my life. I was watching Dateline, and they were reporting a story about pedophiles. Some grassroots anti-child abuse advocates went online and pretended to be young children in chat rooms. There they struck up conversations with older men and planned meetings, mostly at the “childrens’” homes. When the pedophiles arrived at the homes, Dateline was waiting with reporters and cameras.

Who was one of the first pedophiles that they caught? Our previous rabbi, the one who loved children, and was loved by children, and parents. They caught him on tape going into a “child’s” home so that he could have sex with the young boy. This rabbi is now in jail.

It was devastating to the synagogue and the community. And then a few years later the new rabbi learned of an alleged child abuse incident with Greta and didn’t report it to the authorities.

Needless to say I was done with religion for good.

I now know that if I am to ever hear a child tell me about any incident, I will immediately go to CPS, even though the type of job I have not does not require this. I think this should be a requirement of all adults, no matter what line of work they are in.

It’s all very sickening to me.

Oct 28 2011

My Day

Today was quite a day. Here is a rundown:

1. I emailed my oncologist to see if he could get me an appointment in nephrology. He told me to just be persistent. One thing he said that was somewhat comforting is that it isn’t urgent to get in right away. Hopefully he is saying that based on the pathology report, and that he understands what it means. I have now given up on trying to get an appointment, and I am going to wait and see what happens.

2. Worked for boss #1 this morning. She had asked me to change my schedule around next week because she was going to be using the office on Monday when I usually work. So I told her I could come in Wednesday and Thursday mornings. Today I mentioned that I wouldn’t be there Monday and she seemed surprised. I told her that she asked me to switch days. She asked if I could come in Monday to at least do the newsletters and the bills and I said that I couldn’t come in between 9 and 5. She said “You can’t come in between 9 and 5? Why not?” To which I explained that she had asked me to switch days, and thus I had to rearrange my schedule with my other job, and I would be at the other job all day Monday.

3. While at work this morning, my sister called. I haven’t talked to her since February, and we were together at mother’s brunch last month. I thought it was an emergency, so I answered. She just wanted to tell me that she was so worried about me and thinking about me every day from my diagnosis to my surgery, and she didn’t visit me or call me because she knew I was probably having a lot of stress and that she would just increase my stress level. She was crying. I told her that I wasn’t expecting her to visit or call. I did tell her that I thought it was unusual that when I saw her last month at the brunch she didn’t ask how I am and after brunch she unfriended me from facebook. She said that she actually unfriended me before the brunch, and she didn’t know what to say to me so she said nothing.

4. During the conversation with my sister we talked about my aunt, good aunt, who had told me she would come down to visit me, and not only has she not come down after telling me at least three times when she would be here, I haven’t even heard from her in a few weeks. My sister told me that good aunt has nothing to do with her. They had a huge blowout over a ridiculous thing, and my aunt told her that she never wants to see or hear from her again, and as far as she is concerned my sister is not in her family anymore.

5. Tonight I went out to dinner with my husband and son, and I was telling them about my day. I said that I don’t have any family except my mother, and there must be something wrong with me that I can’t get along with anyone. My son asked if my family members all speak to each other, and I said no. He said, “Well then, it’s not you. It’s them.” Smart boy.

I don’t want to talk about the emotional part of all of this, because then I will have trouble talking about it in therapy. So those are the facts, and just the facts.

Oct 25 2011

Therapy Recap 10/25/11

First I apologized for whining and complaining so much last week. J gently mocked me and said “Oh yeah, it was terrible.” He said he didn’t consider it complaining, I was expressing my feelings. I told him that I wanted him to know that I don’t whine and complain to anyone, so unfortunately he has to bear the brunt of it, and he said that is what he is there for, and it’s not complaining. I told him that he shouldn’t have to listen to that all day, and said “Yes I do.”

I told him that I should be filled with gratitude now that I am a cancer survivor and a surgery survivor. He asked me why, and I said that is how people are after they are given a serious diagnosis. He asked me how I know people are like that, and I said because there are stories and articles and forums where people talk about it. J said I don’t need to feel gratitude, and perhaps the people feeling gratitude are just more vocal than the ones who don’t feel the gratitude.

We spent the time talking about how I feel physically and mentally, and my rough week last week with a couple of meltdowns and taking a percocet and getting sick. He asked me what I did to make myself feel better by today, and I never know how to answer that question. I don’t think I did anything.

I told him how I was going to send my boss an email telling her that I needed to cut back, but I never did it. I said derogatory things like “I’m so stupid” and “I’m a failure.” I changed that to “I am a failure at asserting myself.” And “I’m never going to change, I’ve been coming here for years and I’m not changing.” J disagreed and said he has seen changes, and gave specific examples. I said that I am still continuing to put other people’s needs before mine, and having a fear that they won’t like me if am not always competent and put together. I guess I am getting a little better with my friends, but work is still tough.

We talked more about how I went back to work too soon, and I asked him why he didn’t tell me not to. He said he can’t tell me what to do. Since when?

Then we got into my fear of sickness, and not wanting to admit I can’t work because that means I am sick. We talked about that for a while, and I told him that when my father was ill I would call my mother to see how my dad was doing on any particular day and she would screech: “He’s sick!” Well, I knew that, I was asking more along the lines of “How is dad’s breathing today” or “Did dad get out of bed today.” We talked about the label “sick” and my feelings about it, and the fact that I am really not sick, and if I take some time off work it doesn’t mean I am sick, I just need some time to recuperate from surgery. I also said I am old and J asked me why I think I am old; I said “People my age are old.”

I asked J if both of his parents were still living, and he said one of them is. I asked if it was his dad, and he said no, his dad died. I asked him how old he was when his dad died, and he said he was 19. His dad must have been young. J asked me why I was asking, what was I thinking about. So we got into my dad’s experience, and my feelings about it, and my fear that it will happen to me. I told him that when my dad got sick I decided to have a baby, even though we weren’t planning on having a baby so quickly. But I was afraid my dad would die with no grandchildren. J said that was a way for me to take control in whatever way I could.

J asked me how much lately I am thinking about my dad’s illness and worrying about mine, and I told him that this week in particular I was thinking about it a lot because I have been having trouble getting an appointment with the doctor at the big famous hospital, and no one is calling me back. And I don’t know what the biopsy of my kidney means, so I am just living with uncertainty. I told him that I would rather be told that I have 6 months to live, than to be uncertain about what is going on. I have no plan of action, and it is making me anxious. I feel that when I meet with the doctor, and he explains things to me and gives me more information I think I will have a lot less worrying.

J said that made sense, and he said that he felt that when I got the cancer diagnosis it seemed to energize me, that I took control and did research and figured out what I needed and how to get it done. I told him that I like a project, however I would have preferred one that didn’t involve cancer. He also said that my fear of illness is very understandable considering my father’s age vs my age, my father’s diagnosis vs my diagnosis, and my mother’s label of sickness. When my father got sick he didn’t work anymore, so to me not working = sick.

J asked me what I think the chances are of me ending up like my father. I know that in addition to kidney failure my dad had very bad heart problems, and I don’t. And I said that when/if I get to kidney failure I will not go on dialysis, so I won’t end up like my dad.

At the end of the session J said he wants me to think or talk, I can’t remember which, about my father and his illness and how I dealt with it, and my mother’s reactions and how she handled it, and my fear of being like my father. I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, and I got sad. I told J that my father was the parent who, I wouldn’t say liked me better because I am sure my mother liked me, but always thought that no matter what I did it was great, and was always so proud of me and showed it.

He also mentioned the mindfulness thing again, that I should dust off the mindfulness cd’s. I can’t do mindfulness, because I get the intrusive thoughts very badly, and I’d rather think about what is going to happen in the future, or what I did in the past, than try not to think about anything and have the intrusive thoughts. I’ll have to remind him about that.

And today, thanks to the intervention of my primary care physician, I was able to get an appointment with a kidney doctor at the big famous hospital. I’ll be seeing him November 7th. The ending of the frustration of trying to get that appointment is like a weight off of my shoulders. In two weeks I’ll know what I’m dealing with and what I am up against, and no matter what it is, it is better than the uncertainty.

Oct 24 2011

Work Update

Last Tuesday at my therapy session J told me what to say to my boss to tell her that I had to cut back my hours because I am still not feeling 100%. Then I went to lunch with a friend and she told me the same thing. She went into even more detail, suggesting a college student in our neighborhood that could do some of my work. I knew just what to say in the email, and I was feeling relieved that I was going to send it.

But guess what? I didn’t send it.

And today I went to work and my boss asked me how long I would be there, and I said until 2:00pm, because I normally work four hours twice a week. But I was there until 3:30pm, due to the amount of work she gave me, which I didn’t even finish. Then I had to go to my other job. Another long day.

Being nicer to other people than to myself is taking its toll. You’d think I’d know by now, and be able to stand up for myself.

Oct 19 2011

How To Stop Crying

Remember how I said last night that I took a Percocet and I felt better? That lasted about an hour, and then the nausea kicked in, and I spent a few hours trying not to vomit. And I started a crying jag, and my husband came home and was freaked out, and I told him I didn’t feel well and I’m never going to get better and he said I would, it will just take time, and he laid on the bed with me for a while.

I couldn’t sleep very well last night. I had one of those dreams where I am in college, except I am my current age, and everyone else is my current age too, and I have not attended a single class and can’t find my class schedule, and I am digging through my desk looking for the schedule. What does that mean? I know it’s a classic dream and I have variations of it often.

So I was up a lot in the night. And this morning I continued to feel nauseous, and I keep crying. I was reading blogs and there were some sad things that made me cry, and even some happy things, and I am going to email my boss and tell him that I don’t feel well and am just going to come in for an hour or so and then work from home if I can, and the thought of doing that is making me cry.

Is there a pill or something that can make me stop crying?

Oct 18 2011

Therapy Recap 10/18/11

I’ve been depressed lately. I did have a good time at the beach with my friend this past weekend, but still feeling dismayed at how easily I get tired, and my lightheadedness, and my inability to run without my heart beating too fast and the headaches.

J asked me how the beach was and I said it was good. Then I told him that it turns out I do have a medical issue, so there. I said that I was mad at him at first, but now I am just sad. I told him that I didn’t think he believed me when I said I was feeling worse, that he made me doubt myself, and that he thinks I am so neurotic that I make up illness, or imagine it.

He said that was not his intention. That I know my body best. I said that is exactly true, so why was he trying to get me to doubt myself? I asked if it was a therapeutic technique – getting me to change my beliefs. He said that it was not. He said he is not a medical doctor, so the only issue he can work with me on is the mental aspect. He said that it doesn’t have to either mental or physical, it’s not either/or. I told him that he asked me last week if I thought this was a mental issue or a physical one. He didn’t say is it a mental and/or a physical issue, or is it mental or physical or xyz issue? He gave me two choices. And when he asked me I told him that I couldn’t answer the question until I got the results of my blood test.

J explained that, like a parent, he was being a foil to me and how I was thinking. If a child comes home with a failing grade on a test and says he is a complete failure, the parent would tell him that he is not a failure and it is just one test. But if the child comes home and says he failed a test, but it’s no big deal because he can throw out the lowest grade, the parent would say that doesn’t matter, the child should work harder at studying. So that is what he was doing with me.

He asked me if I was looking for validation from him last week, for him to say that I do feel worse and whatever else he would say to validate me. I told him that, no, I was not looking for that. I had seen my doctor the day before and she totally believed me and did tests and made me feel that I wasn’t a crazy obsessive hypochondriac. But I was not looking for him to make me doubt myself either, and when I left the session last week I was truly confused.

Then we talked about the vitamin b12 deficiency, and that I am relieved that it is something that can be treated. We spent quite a bit of time talking about how I feel that I will never get better, and he said I don’t know that for sure. I said that I am trying to be realistic, and he said that we don’t know if that is realistic. I said I don’t want to be optimistic, because what if I really never get better? It is better to have low expectations and be pleasantly surprised than to have high expectations and be disappointed. He said he normally feels that way, but in this case I shouldn’t think that way. I told him that the nurse told me I would feel better right away after the injection, but that didn’t out to be the case.

He said rather than say I will never get better, I should look at it that I am afraid of being sick. We talked about my fear, and I mentioned my father again, and that based on my experience with people in my family, people tend to get sick and never get better.

We talked about work, and how I made a mistake going back to work after just two weeks, and not speaking up to my bosses to tell them I couldn’t do the amount of work that I normally did before the surgery. I said that to talk to them about that would be admitting that I am sick, and I made a commitment to my jobs and I don’t want to break my commitment. J said that if I continue to overwork myself I might get sick enough that I can’t work at all, and then I would really be breaking my commitment. We spent some time talking about how I can’t talk about this to my bosses, and why.

J told me that I looked sullen today. I told him that I have been feeling down and hopeless and without much hope that I will get better. I said it’s been two months already. He said he didn’t want to argue with me, but it has only been five weeks. Really? Yes, he is right, but it seems like the surgery was much longer ago.

I felt like I was whining and complaining in session today. I got through cancer, I survived my surgery, and here I am whining and complaining because I am tired and lightheaded and get headaches and lose my balance and can’t do what I used to do. Should cancer make me feel obligated to be grateful and have an amazing life? I would think many people think so. I feel ungrateful.

After the session I met a good friend for lunch. Her husband recently found out that he has cancer, and he started radiation yesterday, and he has a tough road ahead. My friend said, “Getting old sucks” and I just started crying. She asked me what was wrong and I said that I just feel like I am never going to get better than this, and I hate being sick, and I am overwhelmed with all of the medical stuff I am dealing with. I woke up at 5am today thinking “Which doctor told me to get blood work before I came in – the oncologist? The surgeon? The nephrologist?” I’m always talking to doctor’s offices, and faxing things, and calling again to be sure the faxes arrived, and keeping track of paperwork. My kidney binder is getting bigger and bigger. It is overwhelming and I don’t want to do it, I just don’t want any of this. But of course, it is what it is and I need to accept it, put on my big girl panties and get through it.

I vowed to myself at my next session I won’t whine and complain.

I am trying to get up the courage to email my boss and tell her that I really can’t work as much as I have been, that it is wearing me down, and I’m not getting better. J told me what to say, and my friend told me the same thing. But I can’t do it. I guess I am afraid of what she will think of me, and this is my constant problem, worrying about what other people think, not wanting to disappoint anyone. It is a problem that I haven’t been able to overcome in three years of therapy.

I wanted to stop at the wine shop on my way home and buy a bottle of wine, which I haven’t done since March. When I am depressed I want to drink, and when I drink I get depressed. I forced myself to go home without any wine. But tonight I took one of the 40 Percocet tablets that I was prescribed after the surgery. It is making me feel better. But I know this isn’t a solution. I don’t know what the solution is, I guess there isn’t one.

Sep 27 2011

Therapy Recap 9/27/11

You guys I am so tired. I started back to work yesterday, and it’s true what they say, it’s one thing to feel good at home, an entirely different thing to feel good at work. I hope this recap even makes sense.

When I got to my session J asked how I was feeling and did I go back to work. I told him that I went back to work yesterday and it was a long day and I was really tired. He asked me how long I worked for and I said, “Let’s see, I got there at 10am and got home at 7pm.” He said, “Oh, only 9 hours?” And then I did two loads of laundry, made dinner and cleaned the kitchen. I was in bed by 9:30. We talked about how I had told my boss last week that when I come back to work I really only wanted to do about 2 hours at a time, but when I showed up yesterday she handed me a stack of work three feet tall and asked me how long I could stay. I guess she forgot about the 2 hour thing, and I didn’t say anything to remind her. My other boss is much more concerned with my well being, he keeps saying “Only do this if you feel up to it” and “This isn’t something you need to do today”. So J and I spent time talking about how I can’t tell my boss that I can’t work, how I am fearful of looking incompetent and letting her down, how much more empathetic boss #2 is than boss #1, especially since it is boss #1’s busy time of year and she always gets a little freaked out at this time.

Then I said I didn’t want to talk about work anymore and J asked if I want to talk about the dream (he brought it up first!). I asked if before we talk about the dream, we could talk about last week. I told him that more than once last week he said he was happy to see me, and glad I came, and that it seemed genuine, and I doubt he would say that if he was just happy to see me for the money, and I don’t really understand why he would be happy to see me. He asked why I think he wouldn’t be happy to see me, and I said because I am a difficult client, I am a terrible communicator, I don’t talk about the things he thinks are important to talk about, and I don’t respond in the moment and then I send annoying emails. And he knows all of my “bad stuff”. He told me that he does not think I am difficult, and our communication has been much better. He said we have a professional relationship, but it’s somewhat like a friendship because we’ve been doing this once a week for 3 years, and people develop a fondness for each other, like a neighbor who lived next door to you for 10 years and then moves away. I said that a neighbor doesn’t tell you all of their bad stuff. He said that my “stuff” isn’t bad, and I said ok “dysfunctional” and he said it’s not dysfunctional and I said ok “using maladaptive coping mechanisms” and he said not that either. That would be if someone was drinking at work, or not being able to function in their day to day lives.

J said that my status in the office is higher than I think it is, and the fact that I told him twice that I don’t expect him to hold my time slot while I am out shows that I don’t feel very important. He said he would hold my time slot for months for me, he has seen other people long term, but usually their time slots would change every now and then, but this has been my time slot since September 2008.

I said that in real life people like him never talk to people like me, and he said he would disagree with that. I said that I am speaking from experience, but this isn’t real life, so we really don’t know.

He asked me if I thought things have been going better with us and I said that they have gotten better. I said I thought it was from the wellbutrin, it must be working this time, and I stopped writing so much in my blog, and I stopped talking about the philosophical, existential, amorphous stuff that he doesn’t like and started talking more about my day to day life. He asked if I made that change to appease him, and I said that I did, but it has been helpful. But I don’t have anyone to talk to about the philosophical, existential, amorphous stuff, but it’s ok, I can write about it on my blog. He asked me what would be the purpose of talking about that stuff, why do I need to talk about it? I said that since my kids grew up I have felt like I have no purpose in life, everything revolved around raising children, and now I just get up every day and go through the day and do the same thing the next day, I don’t see any purpose and I don’t have any passion. J asked me if the cancer episode has changed my thinking about having a purpose, since I had to do a lot of research and follow up. I told him that it didn’t feel like a purpose, it seemed more like a distraction. He said something about my will to live, but I don’t remember that exactly. He asked me if I am looking forward to anything, and I said that I am looking forward to October 7th because I will be able to run again. This totally changed the conversation to one about how I will feel when I start running again, and will I be disappointed in myself if I can’t run well, etc. It was a good conversation, but it was amazing how quickly he changed the conversation to something more concrete than my purpose in life.

Then we talked about the dream. He had printed it out so he could read it while we talked. He had already told me that the part about leaving my children alone in the hotel could be related to my fear of dying in surgery. He also said the hotel could represent the hospital. I asked how the children part relates to the therapy part of the dream. He didn’t really connect those two parts like you guys did in the comments. He said that a lot of it could be that I don’t feel good enough. I told him that in the dream when I was trying to text him and couldn’t find his number I thought he would be mad because I didn’t let him know I wasn’t coming. J said maybe it had something to do with me being late last week (I was 2 minutes late, but he said I was 5 minutes late). We spent some time discussing my fear of making him mad. He wondered if his expression of being happy to see me last week could be in the dream, and I didn’t know. He didn’t really say anything about how his office suddenly moved to the town my mother lives in, except that we have been talking about my mother lately in relation to the surgery and her coming to stay with me. He also didn’t have much to say about the house in my dream – I told him it was just one room with a desk in the middle of the room piled high with papers. He said it sounds like a TV house. I said it seemed like that, because in the dream I didn’t walk into the house, I just was in it. J said that dream interpretation just raises questions, it doesn’t answer anything and there can be many interpretations. He definitely didn’t get into it as much as the people reading my blog and commenting. But that is to be expected, he is very literal and surface. I didn’t tell him about the other interpretations that you all offered me, but maybe I will next time.

J told me that this morning his wife told him that she had crazy dreams last night and he remembered that last night he dreamt that he was the wide receiver for a college football team and he was wearing #3. He said it was probably because he was watching some game last night and a player had the #3, and he was talking with a client about college football. He talked about that for awhile.

There was some conversation about a lawn with weeds. Oh, this was back before the dream conversation. J was saying that he has seen a big change in me, but probably no one else has, and I said that no one mentioned anything. He said I am like a lawn, from far away it looks nice and green and healthy, but if you go up close there are weeds here and there. Not totally overgrown with weeds to the point that the neighbors complain. Interesting analogy.

I can’t think of anything else right now, my brain is mush. I got a good feeling from the session, I believe him when he says he cares about me and is fond of me and is glad I am doing well after my surgery. I do wish I could talk about the more amorphous things with J, and maybe I’ll get him to do that at some point. There has got to be some depth to him somewhere, right?

Jan 26 2011

Therapy Recap 1/25/11

I printed out the part of my weekend blog post about therapy to bring with me yesterday and maybe give to J, but I didn’t give it to him. I didn’t even talk about it with him.

He asked what I wanted to talk about and I had nothing. Well, nothing came out anyway. There was a lot in my head. So he asked if we could go through my box of ideas. I said that would be fine, those things in there probably aren’t relevant anymore (we had done this box of ideas quite a while ago).

So he was going through the box reading the items one by one and I would say, “Oh, nothing I could do about that”, “Oh you can’t help me with that”, etc. One was about running and I told him I don’t run anymore. He asked me if that is because of the weather, and I said no. One was about my sister and I said that I don’t talk to her anymore. He didn’t say anything. One was about feeling guilty about isolating myself and I said I don’t feel guilty anymore.

So after we went through all of that and I had an answer for every one, he asked if I had accepted everything and moved on, or if I am pessimistic about life, or if I have just given up. I told him that I thought pessimistic is a judgmental word, then he had to explain in detail that it is just a word, it is not judgmental, that if a dog has been beaten by a man with a beard the dog would probably be pessimistic about men with beards. Frankly I don’t even think that is the correct use of the word, but I didn’t want to pursue this discussion of linguistics.

I can’t even remember how I answered. J asked about times that I am happy and I said that I am most happy when I connect with people. He said, “So you have been isolating yourself from people, but being with people is the one way to bring you happiness.” I told him it is better to avoid people and avoid the anxiety of whether I will connect with them. It is not worth the risk. He said it’s like I am backing myself into a corner, and I said I have backed into a corner and I actually kind of like it there. It is safe and no one can bother me. It is cozy. He asked if anyone else can come in and I said no they cannot. He said I would have to make space for someone else if I wanted them to come in and I said I would not let anyone in because I need my space. He said, “So you think it might be hard to get rid of them if you wanted to?” And I said, “No, getting rid of them would not be a problem, they would run away if they saw what my corner is really like.” He said he thought it was cozy. I said it is cozy because I distract myself there with bad coping mechanisms and no one else would want to see that behavior.

He asked why I would think that I wouldn’t connect with people and I told him because I don’t have anything to offer anyone, I have no value. I said, “We have had this discussion so many times, and I know that you value people for what they do, and you said society values people for what they do and we will never agree on this.” He said that he thinks that society feels that way, but he doesn’t, that he thinks people have value just for being alive. That if a 6 year old gets killed by a train it would probably make the papers, but if a 66 year old man got killed by a train he probably would not get into the paper, even though the 66 year old man has done a lot more in his life that the 6 year old.

Then he told me how much he likes his mailman, not just because he delivers the mail well, but because he is nice and has integrity, they have had lots of conversations. So I guess that proves his point!

J asked me why I wouldn’t find a new career. I told him I am too old, it costs too much, I don’t know what I would want to do and what if I do all of that and it still doesn’t make me happy? He said I am not too old, there are career paths I could take that wouldn’t cost a lot of money.

Then he went into how the people I work for value me. I told him I could be replaced in a second. He asked why I am not being replaced. I told him it is easier to keep someone in a job than to train someone new. He pointed out that I have relationships with the people I work for and no one can get that level of a relationship really quickly. He asked me what qualities I have that make me a good employee and I said I am honest, reliable and I respect confidentiality.

He asked if those same qualities are ones my friends would say I have. I said that qualities that are important to friendships are different than ones used for a job. He asked what is an important characteristic in a friend and I said authenticity, and I don’t show my true self to anyone. He asked how often I am authentic in therapy and I said I am sometimes, but other times it doesn’t feel safe. At that moment something must have fallen in a room next door because there was the sound of crashing or thumping. I said, “See – it’s not safe in here.” He said, “That was next door.” I told him it didn’t feel very safe last week, that I felt he was being judgmental because he was offering his viewpoint and negating mine. He said he hopes we could discuss things like this as they happen (sigh….he just doesn’t get that I am not a person who can do that, things move fast in therapy, and I am a person who needs time to process). He said he wasn’t judgmental, that he sometimes challenges me. Like today when he said that in order to be happy I want to connect with people, but instead I am isolating myself. He meant that to be a challenge to my thinking, not a judgment. I said that I did not take that as a judgment.

About a half hour into the session I realized that J did not ask me why I never sent him the things I wrote that I had told him I would send him in order to help explain my feelings about our subject matter from last week. And I didn’t mention it either.

So that was it. I’m sure there was more, but I don’t remember anything else right now.

Dec 10 2010

I Don’t Even Know What To Say

Terrible night. I didn’t take my Nyquil. Can you be addicted to Nyquil? I read that if you have three alcoholic drinks a day you shouldn’t have acetaminophen and that is in Nyquil. I don’t want to die of liver damage – that’s a very bad way to die. So I didn’t take it last night. I saw that Nyquil makes the same product without the acetaminophen, so I am going to go to the drugstore to see if they have it.

I was up at 1:15, 2:30, 3:30, 4:30, 5 something, 6:15. I don’t even know if I was really asleep in between all of those times.

Something is wrong with me. I don’t know why I am feeling so badly. And I can’t blame it on hormones, because the doctor said it’s not possible to be caused by the hormones. But because of all of that bleeding I was having for three weeks he told me to go off the birth control pills for a week, I stopped on Saturday. Yesterday I had terrible cramping and heavy bleeding, which is what is supposed to happen – everything in there is now coming out. This will theoretically stop and I am supposed to start the pills again on Saturday.

But it’s not just physical. I feel like crap mentally and emotionally and I don’t know why. I wish the Wellbutrin would kick in. Yes, it’s only been four days, I need to give it more time.

I was snooping on my husband’s computer. When I looked at our bank account online the other day, which I routinely do, I saw he had transferred $2000 from his paypal account to the bank account. Who has $2000 in their paypal account? He does sell paperback books on ebay, but do you know how many books you’d have to sell in order to make $2000? But with online gambling, on the other hand, you can make $2000 in one day. And lose that much too. Unfortunately he does not have his computer set to save passwords. I know the passwords that he usually uses, and none of those worked for paypal, which makes me suspicious that he is using a password that I deliberately won’t know.

I checked his IE history, and all of the sites listed were gambling sites, fantasy football sites, fantasy hockey sites, bookie sites, etc. Oh, and ebay and paypal.

I talked to a friend about this, unbelievably, and she told me she would hide money for me. I don’t want to take her up on this for various reasons, but I do know I need to start hiding money. My boss has been traveling a lot and there isn’t much work, but today I plan to go over there and organize all of his file cabinets. That could take 7 or 8 hours. I need the money. And I’m not scamming him, please don’t think that, the files really do need to be organized. I would never cheat him.

Maybe I’m just feeling the stress of this? Is that it? How could I get so upset about this? There are worse things that could happen to people. I don’t know if it’s just that, or if it’s more than that. I don’t know.